The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters or HBO series characters has been bitten. There are some spoilers in this fic for True Blood and a lot of insanity for those who don't like TV. This is just some madness that had gotten into my little mind.
I Wanna Do Bad Things To The TV
"I can't remember a Saturday morning I felt so rested," Hank yawned as he walked to the kitchen with Logan, Scott and Rogue.
"I can't believe Wolverine actually cancelled a Saturday Danger Room session," Scott was surprised.
"What do you mean? I've cancelled sessions before," Logan gave him a look.
"Yeah but usually that's because you've already wrecked the Danger Room before us. Not that I'm depressed about taking a break but …Are you sick or something?" Rogue asked.
"No. Just a little uninspired," Logan shrugged. "I feel like I've done all I can with robots and Sentinels and monsters and traps. I can't think of anything new but the same old things for you to train against."
"You mean flame throwers, buzz saws, lasers and killer robots?" Rogue asked. "That's boring to you?"
"After you fight and program them about a couple hundred times yeah," Logan said.
"And destroy them into tiny pieces," Hank gave Logan a look.
"You say that part like it's a bad thing," Logan looked at him.
"Right. What was I thinking? Carry on…" Hank rolled his eyes.
"Like I said. I'm getting bored with the same old simulations and since Charles has been griping about treating kids like kids instead of combat soldiers every now and then I figured one weekend off of fighting won't hurt 'em," Logan shrugged.
BOOOM!
ZZAPPP!
"Unfortunately it might do some damage to the Institute," Hank winced.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE!" Kitty shouted.
"US? WHAT ABOUT YOU?" Tabitha was heard shouting.
"PLEASE! YOU GUYS ARE SO WRONG IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!" Roberto snapped.
"I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I THINK IS FUNNY SUNSPOT!" Ray was heard shouting.
"WILL YOU PEOPLE PLEASE STOP SHOUTING?" Jean was heard yelling.
"YOU'RE SHOUTING!" Kitty snapped.
"I AM NOT! I AM JUST VOICING MY OPINIONS VERY LOUDLY SO I CAN BE HEARD ABOVE YOU LUNATICS!" Jean yelled.
"I think we just found a fight you won't get bored with," Scott smirked as the sounds of a scuffle were heard from the kitchen.
"At this point I'll try anything," Logan sighed.
"FINE! I'M SHOUTING! I'M SHOUTING! I'M SHOUTING!" Jean was yelling over the shouts and yells of the other students in the room. Kitty, Kurt, Bobby, Ray, Roberto, Sam, Tabitha, Jamie and Amara were all yelling at each other, ignoring Jean.
"And that concludes the obligatory movie quote of the day!" Logan barked. "KNOCK IT OFF!"
Everyone shut up quickly. "All right. What exactly is this argument about?" Hank asked. "What question could be so volatile that would make you jeopardize your rare day off from training?"
"Trust me, I'm rethinking my decision already," Logan grunted. "Spit it out."
"Well uh…" Jean looked at the others then at Logan. "You see the students are slightly divided over…a certain issue and are in two different positions."
"And what issue is that?" Logan asked. "I ask knowing it's going to be something completely stupid."
"Wolverine you don't know that for sure," Hank said. "Young people today are much more forward thinking than you give them credit for. Now kids tell me what topic you are currently discussing?"
"Team Bill verses Team Eric," Kitty said.
"I beg your pardon?" Hank blinked.
"I knew it," Logan moaned.
"You know? From the show True Blood?" Kitty said. "We're all arguing over who's better for Sookie. Bill or Eric."
"So you're fighting over a fictional romantic triangle?" Hank moaned.
"This isn't gonna turn into another Twilight incident isn't it?" Logan grumbled.
"Okay in the first place, that explosion with my time bombs was an accident and that closet needed to be renovated in the first place!" Tabitha spoke up. "And secondly, almost everybody here was rooting for Edward to get together with Bella."
"Except for Rahne," Sam spoke up. "She was the only one rooting for Jacob. For obvious reasons."
"This is completely different," Kitty said. "Kurt, Ray, Bobby, Sam and I know that Sookie belongs with Bill. It's Jean and the rest of these idiots here that think she should go with Eric."
"Oh the Queen of the Airheads is calling us idiots?" Tabitha bristled.
"Okay now all of you knock it off!" Scott asserted his authority before a major brawl happened. "In the first place you shouldn't be fighting over something as petty as this. We're X-Men. We are a team that needs to stand together and…"
He stopped and looked at Jean. "What do you mean Jean and the others think Sookie should go with Eric? I thought you were a Bill fan?"
"I was until the end of last season," Jean admitted. "Gotta admit, Eric grew on me. And Bill had way too many secrets."
"Wait, so you're on Eric's side now?" Scott asked. "He's a jerk!"
"But a hot looking jerk," Tabitha added.
"How can you just switch sides like that on me?" Scott asked Jean. "You're the one who got me on Team Bill in the first place!"
"Well I made a mistake," Jean said.
"Notice Jean makes a lot of mistakes when it comes to guys," Ray muttered to Sam.
"Just what is that crack supposed to mean?" Jean snapped. "That better not mean the mistake I made with Duncan!"
"Gee both Duncan and Eric are blonde jerks who think they can push people around in order to get their way," Kitty drawled. "I wonder why Jean would like both of them?"
"Will you people ever let go of that one mistake I made?" Jean snapped.
"Yeah guys give her a break," Rogue said. "Eric is a lot less bloodthirsty and smarter than Duncan."
"Oh don't you start!" Jean snapped.
"Don't blame Rogue for this! You're the one who jumped ship!" Scott pointed out. "I can't believe after everything they've been through you just turn around and dump Bill for Eric. I don't even know you anymore!"
"I don't even know how we ended up in this insane conversation," Hank moaned.
"Gotta admit Jean, you kind of have a type," Jamie spoke up as he ate some fruit loops.
"What do you know about types? You're like twelve!" Kitty snapped.
"I'm old enough to know stupid when I see it," Jamie gave her a look. "And considering your history with Avalanche I could write an encyclopedia!"
"Okay we all agree on that," Scott spoke up. "Kitty being with Alvers was stupid. Just as stupid as Sookie being with Eric!"
"Oh shut up Scott!" Jean snapped.
"Oh I could use a cup of hot brandy with some coffee in it," Hank moaned.
"I really hate that show," Logan grumbled. "Ever since it came on half the mansion has been in a fight over the lead characters. And the other half has been fighting over whether vampires are real or not."
"Isn't that show too violent and graphic with language and sexuality for most of you students?" Hank asked.
"Isn't the Danger Room too violent and graphic with the flame throwers, flying chainsaws and the Sentinel simulations you keep putting in?" Rogue gave him a look.
"And if you want to talk about language you should hang around Badger here when he's trashing the Danger Room," Tabitha pointed her thumb at Logan.
"And as far as the sex goes between what Jean and Scott do in the middle of the night when they think no one can hear them and the last time you used your credit card for that Lingerie Party line…" Rogue went on as she looked at Hank.
"Okay, Okay…" Hank said quickly. "I get the message."
"Geeze Hank you're getting to be a real pervert," Logan groaned.
"This from a man who has a bar tab at Perry's Pussycat Lounge in the city?" Rogue gave him a look.
"I only go there for the cheap drinks and free buffalo wings on the weekends!" Logan protested.
"I guess you're too busy filling your face to notice the half-naked girls romping around?" Rogue folded her arms. "Drinking too much to notice the strippers flying around on a giant trapeze on the ceiling?"
"Where's this bar again?" Hank asked.
"Can we please get back to the subject here?" Jean sighed. "Rogue what do you mean by when Scott and I think nobody can hear us?"
"You don't need super hearing to listen in on you two!" Tabitha snapped.
"Honestly Jean you're getting to be a little scary ordering him around like that," Bobby agreed.
"I can't believe I'm saying this but can we please get back to the argument you guys were having on True Blood?" Logan moaned.
"I second the motion," Scott turned red.
"Look it's so obvious that Bill is the better choice," Kitty said. "He's tall, dark, handsome and he's the leading lady's husband in real life! So there!"
"Big freaking deal," Tabitha snapped. "When it comes to characters Eric is much better for Sookie than Bill. He lied to her!"
"And Eric didn't?" Kitty asked.
"Eric is hot," Tabitha said. "Way hotter than Bill and he understands Sookie better."
"No, Bill is hotter and understands Sookie enough to let her go," Kitty said.
"But Eric never lost faith in Sookie's return when she was missing in fairy land or whatever you call it," Amara said.
"He also ate her fairy godmother!" Kurt shouted. "Call me crazy, but that's not exactly the best way to endear yourself to your girlfriend."
"Okay Crazy, you have a point!" Pietro zoomed into the kitchen and grabbed an apple.
"Oh goody," Logan drawled sarcastically as the Brotherhood Boys walked into the kitchen. "Just what we need. More people to make this argument even dumber than it actually is. Please tell me you are planning an attack."
"Nah we were bored and we were gonna mess with you but this is an argument we've been having back home," Todd admitted. "I'm for Team Eric!"
"Eric ate Sookie's fairy godmother!" Kitty snapped.
"Yeah well the way she and her other fairy friends have been acting he might have done her a favor," Lance snapped.
"I don't suppose you could do us all a favor and get lost," Scott grumbled. "How did you people get past our defenses anyway?"
"It helps if somebody forgets to turn them on," Pietro quipped.
"How could you of all people forget to turn on the Mansion's defenses?" Scott turned on Logan.
"It wasn't my turn! It was Beast's!" Logan protested.
"I beg to differ," Hank said. "I did it yesterday. Today was your turn."
"Are you sure? Because I tend to remember things like that," Logan said.
"Maybe it wasn't your turn but I know it wasn't my turn," Hank frowned.
"It could have been Charles' turn," Logan thought. "Oddly enough out of all of us he's the one who tends to forget the most about defense systems. Which is weird because it is his house."
"He did leave last night for that conference in Washington DC," Hank said. "Maybe he forgot it was his turn and thought one of us would do it?"
"Bor-ring!" Pietro made an exaggerated yawn. "Seriously this is what you guys consider to be conversation?"
"And they think True Blood arguments are dumb?" Lance agreed.
"No, you're dumb!" Kitty snapped. "Especially if you think Eric is better for Sookie than Bill!"
"And we're off again," Hank sighed.
"As I was about to say, me, Toad and Pietro here are on Team Eric and Blob and Pyro are for Bill," Lance pointed with his thumb.
"Big surprise!" Kitty looked at Scott. "Lance is on the stupid side."
"No, I was on the stupid side when I was dating you!" Lance snapped.
"If anybody was on the stupid side for dating it was me!" Kitty snapped.
"Was? You never left!" Lance snapped.
"WHAT?" Kitty shouted.
"Ever notice how much Kitty and Lance are like Sookie and Bill when it comes to their relationship?" Todd remarked to the rest of the group.
"Really? Personally I always thought of them as a young Diane Chambers and Sam Malone," Hank shrugged.
"Hank don't get into this…" Logan hung his head down. "We've got enough TV references here without you adding more."
"Actually I always thought of them more like Jackie and Hyde from That 70's Show," Tabitha remarked.
"Why Hyde and not Kelso?" Scott asked.
"Because technically Lance never cheated on Kitty so…" Tabitha began. "And he's a little rougher around the edges…"
"Oh yeah. I see it now," Scott nodded. "You're right he is more of a Hyde than a Kelso."
"I wish I could just hide from this conversation," Logan groaned. "Seriously, with all the crap going on in the world you have nothing more to argue about than what's on TV?"
"Not really no," Todd shook his head.
"Just checking," Logan sighed. "Can we just stick to one TV show continutity to make things easier on my brain cells?"
"How can you say that Bill is the guy for Sookie? Bill tried to eat her!" Lance snapped.
"Accidentally! He was drained and not himself," Pyro pointed out. "At least Bill didn't serve Sookie up on a platter to Russell Eddington!"
"No, he was going to serve her up to the Queen of Louisiana!" Todd rolled his eyes.
"Wait a minute! Hold on!" Logan held up his hand. "I just realized something. How can you guys watch the show when we don't even have that network at the Institute? I know for a fact Xavier made sure that channel was blocked when he got cable."
"We don't have it but the Brotherhood does," Jamie pointed to the Brotherhood.
"Nice going twerp!" Ray growled.
"Next time don't leave me out when you guys go on your TV watching parties," Jamie gave them a look.
"Jamie we've been over this! You're too young for those shows!" Bobby snapped.
"So are you!" Logan shouted.
"Yeah but…We're older than he is!" Bobby pointed to Jamie. "He really is too young to see those shows!"
"Oh like I can't watch them on my laptop or on my school's computer when my teacher has a hangover and passes out!" Jamie snapped. Everyone looked at him. "Allegedy. As an example. Not that I have ever done anything like that…"
"Nice to see the quality of education in this country is still continuing on the same path," Hank sighed. "Unfortunately it's a downward slope."
"Wait a second; you kids actually put your differences aside to have TV watching parties?" Logan asked.
"We kind of made a truce," Scott admitted. "Let's just say cable TV makes the Brotherhood more tolerable and leave it at that."
"And it's a lot easier to put up with the X-Men when they bring over snacks," Lance admitted.
"When does this happen?" Logan yelled.
"When you go on your weekly run to the strip club," Rogue gave him a look.
"But still staying out late past curfew…" Logan began.
"No, we don't," Bobby said. "We're home before ten."
"Again since you leave before three in the afternoon and don't come back until it's almost three in the morning…" Rogue added.
"Look the cheap hot wings start at four and by the time it's over traffic in the city is rotten, okay?" Logan asked.
"Oh yeah the traffic must be murder on that back road that goes to that airport that closed down three years ago!" Rogue snapped.
"Is that the one on Route Five?" Hank said. "Well that's only twenty minutes from here and…And I really should keep my mouth shut shouldn't I?"
"Please do," Logan groaned. "Look I don't like you kids watching those kind of shows!"
"And we don't like you keeping those hidden stashes of booze and porn where you think nobody can find them," Jean folded her arms. "Especially the one underneath the gazebo in the back."
"By the way kudos on your choice for holding onto the rare 1983 Playboy with the centerfold of those triple jointed triplets," Pietro smirked.
"But…" Logan began.
"Stay down, champ," Hank sighed. "You're not gonna win this argument."
"Look I can't say anything," Rogue held up her hand. "I read the books series and I know how things turn out. So I am not having any opinion on the winner."
Then she made a fake cough. "(Cough) Team Eric (Cough)."
"YES!" Tabitha cackled with delight.
"NO WAY!" The Team Bill crowd yelled.
"WAY!" The Team Eric crowd cheered.
"IN YOUR FACE KITTY!" Lance laughed.
"The series isn't over yet Lance! Besides they could always change the direction of the show from the books! They've done it before!" Kitty snapped.
"Okay! It's official, the Bill Vs. Eric war has now been settled," Logan interrupted. The mutants complained. "No more buts! This stupid conversation is over!"
"I agree. It is a bit silly to argue over True Blood. Now Game of Thrones, that's a series!" Hank spoke up. This caused a commotion among the mutants.
"How do you know about Game of Thrones?" Logan snapped.
"I have one of those HBO Go things on my I Pad," Hank admitted.
"Is everyone in this damn mansion obsessed about TV except me?" Logan snapped.
"Oh this from a man who barricaded himself in the living room during the Stanley Cup Playoffs," Rogue rolled her eyes.
"That was a cultural event," Logan snapped. "It was a real game, not a made up one. Completely different!"
"At least we don't need to be locked in the Danger Room and given several sedatives when something we don't like happens on our shows," Bobby snorted.
"And we don't make threats to burn down the city of Boston!" Jean gave him a look.
"I admit I was slightly miffed and not thinking correctly," Logan said. "Not to mention the fact that Vancouver was robbed!"
"Dude, the Bruins outplayed them and you know it!" Bobby said.
"That's something I expect a person from Massachusetts to say!" Logan snapped. "You don't even like hockey! But because it's New England you all stick together no matter what the sport!"
"Okay now that is just mean," Fred said. "I rooted for Boston because they were from the USA!"
"Yeah!" Todd, Pietro, Kurt and Ray agreed.
"Elf you're from Germany! How could you support the Bruins?" Logan snapped.
"Boston has great food. Duh," Kurt shrugged. "I really love that clam chowder."
"How would you like to be stuffed in a giant bowl of…?" Logan began.
"LOGAN! ENOUGH!" Hank shouted. "We all agreed to no longer discuss the events of the Stanley Cup Finals. We even signed a little piece of paper about it, remember?"
"Yeah, and that's the only reason I'm not slicing you all into little pieces!" Logan grumbled.
"Let's just change the subject before Wolverine has a hissy fit?" Scott sighed. "Again!"
"There's always Boardwalk Empire," Jamie said. "That's educational."
"What's educational?" Ororo walked into the room. "What are you all fighting about? And what's the Brotherhood doing here?"
"Well we started off arguing over True Blood and then we moved onto whose turn it was to activate the mansion's defenses," Pyro counted. "Then back to True Blood and then onto the Stanley Cup and now we're on Boardwalk Empire and Game of Thrones."
"I thought we made a rule about talking about the Stanley Cup?" Ororo looked at Logan.
"They started it!" Logan pointed. "They got me worked up over those stupid True Blood shows they watch!"
"True Blood? Aren't you all a little young for that show?" Ororo asked.
"We're also too young to get shot at by giant robots and fight insane evil mutants from ancient Egypt," Todd gave her a look. "What's your point?"
"Trust me Storm we don't have the moral high ground on this one," Logan sighed.
"We know about Hank's dirty phone calls and Logan's trips to the strip club," Jamie told Ororo. "And all his secret stashes of booze and porn."
"Oh really?" Ororo gave Hank and Logan a look.
"Why do you always look at me like that?" Logan groaned.
"Why do you think?" Ororo snapped.
"Let's get back to Game of Thrones. My money's on the dwarf," Fred spoke up.
"You're wrong! It's Danyeris and her dragons all the way," Kitty snapped.
"I'm going with the long shot and say it's gonna be Jon Snow," Todd called out. "I mean it's so obvious if you think about it."
"Not necessarily. I think there could be another contender out there that nobody knows about," Kurt said.
"I think I just figured out a new simulation I can run," Logan said. "Kitty can you help me program a True Blood themed combat program?"
"Depends, will you let me program the objective to beat Eric to a pulp?" Kitty asked.
"Hey can you combine the program to be both True Blood and Boardwalk Empire?" Kurt asked. "That's a combination that would really be interesting!"
"I think that simulation would be rather stimulating," Hank nodded. "We can also modernize Game of Thrones and combine it with both True Blood and Boardwalk Empire!"
"How would that work?" Scott asked.
"The cast of Game of Thrones and Nucky become vampires," Hank said. "And throw in some wormholes from alternate dimensions."
"Okay now I see it," Scott nodded.
"It's official," Ororo sighed. "We watch way too much TV around here."