Hey everyone, this is my fic so constructive criticism is welcome, but please be nice - I actually wrote it a little while ago, around ep 3x15, but only just got around to uploading it here. (If you visit the kateandsawyer fanfic site you might recognise it from there though)
It was going to be a one-shot but as I wrote it I decided it would be better in 2 parts. The name came from the song 'What if you' – Joshua Radin. Oh and I'm writing as if Kate, Locke & Sayid hadn't managed to get Jack, to make it simpler. Well that's all I've got to say. Enjoy! xxx
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Part 1
Pale rays of moonlight danced across the ocean's surface, to the slow rhythm of the breaking waves. The beach was eerily silent and perfectly still, except for one lonely figure, barely noticeable amongst the midnight shadows.
Sawyer leaned back against the tattered plane seat, outside of his desolate shelter.
His rigid position was causing his muscles to ache as they tensed with stress, worry, fear and all kinds of other emotions that he couldn't even begin to describe, let alone understand.
He stared intently, almost desperately, into the deep, passionate water, as if it held all the answers to the questions flashing wildly through his mind.
Why had she left? Why didn't she say goodbye? What should he be sorry for?
And the one that he kept returning to; Did she really love him?
Sawyer's gaze was only captured and thrown back at him by the waves, which raged slightly in the growing breeze, so that they perfectly reflected all the anger and turmoil in his eyes.
In an almost robotic motion, he lifted an old dharma beer can to his lips and took another long swig, not even realising that it had been empty for a long time now.
Sawyer's thoughts weren't on his actions at the moment, nor were they on the beach.
They were with her; with Kate.
It had been over a week since the two of them had returned from the other island together. Which meant it had also been over a week since he'd last seen her, touched her. Over a week since she'd left him, for the second time, without saying goodbye.
As he sat there, accompanied only by the monotonous drone of the ocean, Sawyer remembered the time they'd spent in the cages. How it had brought them so close, how they'd always be the last person each other saw before they fell asleep each night and how, even through the oppressive clouds of fear and looming threat of death, that would always be the one thing to pull them through the day and remind them that things could be worse. They had each other back then and that was all that had mattered.
This was worse. Waiting. Merely waiting for her to return.
Desperately wishing that he could go out there and find her, hold her close and tell her he missed her, that he was sorry, that he loved her.
But he couldn't.
Not only because he couldn't track worth a damn. No, it was far more than that.
There were barriers that still had to be broken and lines that they still couldn't cross, not even for each other. Not yet.
It wasn't as if he didn't want to say those things, he did, more than anything, but he'd already become so vulnerable in those cages, and look what had come out of that.
Even so, in that night before they escaped all of their fear and insecurities seemed to evaporate and, despite the growing trepidation waiting to be released from their dark surroundings, they actually felt happy.
Sawyer yearned to be back in that moment, craved the feel of her soft lips against his. He needed to run his fingers through her dark, silky hair and to just lie with her wrapped in his arms once more, in a comfortable silence listening to their hearts beating in sync with each other.
Was it his fault that she left? Should he have said sorry? Would it really have changed anything? How could he say it, and mean it, if he didn't even know what he'd done wrong?
The questions plagued Sawyer, as if his own conscience was interrogating him.
A flood of guilt and despondency hit him as he caught sight of Kate's abandoned tent, and it became clear that sitting out here was doing him no good. Maybe if he tried to get some sleep things might be better in the morning. That seemed unlikely.
Standing up and throwing his crumpled beer can down in one swift motion, Sawyer glanced around the beach one more time, before violently swinging back the tarp door of his shelter and heading inside.
Once inside he tore off his shirt, letting it fall to the ground, and collapsed onto his makeshift bed, running his hands backwards through his hair in an act of barely contained emotion.
He stared fixedly at the small patch of light creeping through a gap somewhere above him, in his otherwise blacked out surroundings. Like a tiny glimmer of hope in a broken world. Like Kate, breaking through his barriers and giving him something to live for.
How was it that no matter what he thought about, it always led back to Kate?
In the past few days he tried to shake himself out of it, tried anything to take his mind off of her. Nothing had worked.
Not even a van full of beer, and now he didn't even have that to distract him.
After locating the source of the light, he fixed his gaze on the area of night sky that was visible over his head, and once again gave into his thoughts about her.
He knew that even if he'd caught up with her before she left, there was nothing he could do to stop her from leaving, not this time. But he could have told her how he felt, that he was sorry, for everything, that he knew it wasn't just pity sex that night in the cages, and that he really meant it when he told her he loved her.
That way, if anything was to happen to her, then at least she'd know, at least she'd have something to hold on to, someone to pull through for. And that was never going to change.
It was at this moment that Sawyer realised he could wait for her to come back, she needed someone to return to just like he had when he'd been on the raft. This moment which confirmed that no matter what happened to them, or around them, he would always be there for her, like he knew she would for him, no matter what.
Feeling exhaustion begin to sink in, he gazed up at the tranquil sky for the last time before succumbing to sleep, reassured by the knowledge that, through this vast entity overlooking them, she was still somehow connected to him.
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Had Kate been looking at that instant, she'd have seen a beautiful shooting star illuminating an aerial path directly back to the beach, lighting her way home.
Unfortunately Kate couldn't look even if she'd had time to.
The thick yarn of the bag over her head made her surroundings almost impossible to make out in the brightest of conditions, let alone out here, deep within the jungle, through eyes shrouded with uncertainty.
She was disoriented and alone, hands cuffed awkwardly behind her back, slumped against a tree. Leaning her head back against the rough bark and taking a deep breath, she listened for any signs of where she might be.
She could hear the retreating sounds of her captors' footsteps as they shuffled back towards the place that they called home. Other than that everything seemed eerily quiet.
She sat for a few more minutes as a crisp wind picked up around her. Eventually deciding it was in her best interests to try breaking free of the cuffs constricting her wrists.
It wasn't long after she'd started aimlessly feeling around for anything that might help her with this task that the whispers began.
She jumped to her feet, knowing that any attempt to run or fight would be useless, but unable to do anything other than follow her instincts.
She backed up against the tree she'd been leaning on and listened.
Silence.
It surrounded her. An uneasy, confining silence. Staying in this was becoming torture. So, slowly, she began to move back out into the open, leaving the secure sturdiness of the tree trunk and heading out in what she could only hope was the right direction to lead her back to camp.
Kate had been walking for about 10 minutes when the whispers returned.
Louder this time. Closer.
They whipped around her, seeming to come from every direction. Whenever she turned to face them they suddenly moved behind her, taunting her.
Eventually Kate began to tire. She knew that in her current state and surroundings she was about as safe as a rabbit on a busy road, but she just couldn't find the strength to carry on walking much further. The only thing driving her forward, forcing her to pick up her foot and resume walking were those three little words she still had to say. And, more to the point, the person she had to say them to. Him; Sawyer; James.
Unfortunately those words would have to wait, as a loud scuffing sound broke through the wall of whispers encircling Kate.
This was shortly followed by a loud whoosh, accompanied by a searing pain in Kate's abdomen.
She fell to the floor, curling the top half of her body up in defence, but kicking the area around her in a futile attempt to ward off her attacker.
Her attempts, however, were only met by a grunt of maniacal laughter and a large stick of some sort landing hard against her ribs.
This sent her crashing backwards against a large rock, causing another ripple of pain in the area around her kidneys.
Her attacker continued to hit her three more times in her lower abdomen before finally getting bored and leaving her in a crumpled heap on the floor.
Agony coursed through Kate's body as she lay between the cool foliage, listening to footsteps fading away somewhere to her right.
As the darkness engulfed her, Kate focused on the only thing that mattered, the only person that had ever let her be her true self, loved her for her true self. Even though the pain was overwhelming, and fear was consuming her, the image in her mind, of that night in Sawyer's cage, kept Kate believing that things might be alright in the end.
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Kate awoke to the sound of muffled voices.
This time though, she knew where the voices where coming from and who they belonged to.
She struggled into a sitting position as Locke and Sayid approached from the other side of the clearing.
Tiny shafts of light were beginning to break through the thick yarn of the bag still over her head. How long had she been out for?
She didn't have time to ponder the issue as she felt herself being pulled to her feet and the bag being ripped away.
As her eyes adjusted to the light of early morning, Kate examined her arms for any signs of her beating. There were a few scrapes and bruises, but those could just as easily have been caused by a bush or other jungle inhabitant she'd encountered on her lonely stumble away from The Others' so-called home.
She let out a breath that she didn't even know she'd been holding, but immediately regretted it.
An immense stabbing pain shot through her midsection, knocking her off balance and into Sayid, who was now freeing her bound wrists.
"Kate, are you alright?" Sayid asked, grasping her arm to give her support. A hint of worry was evident in his voice.
"Yeah, I'm…I'm fine. I guess I'm just tired." Kate lied, gently pulling her arm away and rolling back her shoulders in a bid to seem nonchalant. The camp had bigger things to worry about and Kate could take care of herself, she'd been doing so for years now anyway. Her companions seemed to buy it, and seeing the traces of fatigue in their faces, Kate knew her decision was for the best.
"Well aren't we all" remarked Locke, "Come on, sooner we get back to camp the sooner we can rest."
And with that he disappeared into the dense foliage ahead of them, followed closely by Sayid. Kate, on the other hand, hung back a few steps, cradling her stomach and wishing for the throbbing to subside.
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It was around 5am when the trio finally emerged from the jungle and set foot on the welcoming sand of their beach.
Sawyer was the first to hear them of course, since he was the only member of the camp who had yet to gain more than an hours sleep. From inside his tent he could hear her voice, penetrating the darkness like an angel's song.
His heart skipped a beat. He must be dreaming. He didn't trust his judgement right now, he needed to see her.
Without bothering to pull on a shirt, Sawyer clambered over crushed beer cans and quickly, but at the same time hesitantly drew back the tarp concealing the entrance to his shelter.
He waited in anticipation, frozen to the spot, as Locke and Sayid stepped out from between the palm trees. Sawyer grew slightly impatient; it wasn't them he was looking for.
Eventually after what seemed like hours but in reality must have been less than a minute, Kate appeared.
Their eyes met instantly. Over all of the tents and other structures making up the camp, they formed a connection without words, the way that only they could.
Slowly, as if he was moving in a dream, Sawyer began to make his way up the beach. He had no idea what he would say. All the words he'd been rehearsing in his virtually sleepless nights had been blown away the second he set eyes on her. But, for some reason, none of that mattered. Not now. All that mattered now was that she was safe, she was home.
As he came to a stop in front of her though, the tension began to build.
As it happens, Kate too had lost her words. So they both stood in silence, never looking away from each others eyes, mirroring looks filled with confusion, insecurity and fear.
Neither one of them acknowledged Locke or Sayid's presence, but the other two survivors seemed to respect this and remained silent as well.
Just as they had been with Sawyer since Kate left, thoughts rushed through Kate's mind. Questions with simple answers that she just couldn't find. Should she have said goodbye? Should she be sorry? Was she sorry?
But far above all of these, did Sawyer love her? Did she love him?
She felt the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. As raw emotion overpowered her Kate did something that neither onlooker could have seen coming. But Sawyer could.
In a fluid motion his arms were wrapped around her, holding her securely against his bare chest, her head nuzzled against his shoulder, tears coursing down her face.
Suddenly the answers to Kate's questions became so clear; yes. She knew Sawyer loved her, she loved him and nothing would ever change that.
Sawyer saw the incredulous look exchanged by Sayid and Locke, but ignored it. He had more important things on his mind right now.
He stroked Kate's silky brown hair, whispering soothing words and tightening his protective grip around her.
Sawyer had never been one for comforting, quite the opposite actually, but this time it was different, this time it was Kate. Everything seemed to come so naturally when he was with her, it all seemed so right.
He was knocked from his reverie by Kate stirring in his arms.
She slowly turned to face him, and this time when their eyes met, all of the uncertainties had dissolved and the gaze they shared was one of true, unclouded love.
As the tears subsided Kate whispered two words. Two words that held more meaning than anyone other than the two of them could ever know.
"Thank you."
Then, wordlessly, they entwined hands and set off towards Sawyer's tent.
Sayid and Locke couldn't help but smile as they watched the couple. What they saw was no longer just two fellow survivors of a plane crash, or even two lovers, it was two people who would be together forever.
Unfortunately, sometimes forever comes sooner than you think.