Author's Notes: First of all, when I categorized this as humor/parody, I mean it in every way possible.
This story is the product of science: I did a little research in my circle of friends who read fanfiction, and we collectively chose many of the things that we have read in smut that make us cringe and go "NO."
So this one shot is almost all of that. Everything that makes you "what the fuck" and "nope". Buckle up, hold onto your lunch, and, if you choose to take the journey, good luck! (Don't forget to share your reactions, you brave soul you!)
Blaine had never met this man in his life. In fact, he barely got a glimpse of his piercing blue eyes, perfectly styled, chestnut hair, impeccable designer outfit, and porcelain skin before he felt his pants tighten and had to do everything in his power to not paw at his own growing erection in public.
Well, the public space he occupied was actually his backyard, and the people surrounding him were his immediate family, relatives, extended relations through marriage, and a few close friends of the family. How embarrassing, he thought. Did he really just pop a boner in front of his family at the age of nineteen? Get it together, Blaine, he told himself as he crossed his legs in attempt to conceal his body's way of telling him that he needed to find out who this tall, mysterious, dangerously attractive stranger was. And fast.
"So, Blaine has been really involved in his student government at the university," Mrs. Anderson told the woman across from her. His – aunt? Maybe.
The conversation went on around him, but he sat and stared at the bowl of potato salad sitting on a table a few feet away. Think about potato salad, he told himself. Potatoes. Mayonnaise…
"He has always been such a great student and respectful young man," his father bragged.
…Pickles. Celery. Then you peel and slice up the potatoes and -
"Blainey dear, are you going to finish that?" came a quiet voice from his left. "You're still a growing boy."
"Potato salad." Blaine blurted out.
"What?" His grandmother looked at him wide-eyed.
"I – I need to go get some - potato salad. I haven't tried it yet," he stammered. Blaine stood up quickly, embarrassed, and tried to hide the blush now creeping into his cheeks. At least the blood was rushing to another part of his body now, he thought. He pushed in his chair and awkwardly made his way over to the table decked with foods he had no actual intention of ingesting, leaving behind a bewildered grandmother who soon forgot what they had even been talking about mere seconds before and refocused her attention on the plate of food in front of her. No. His hunger was of a different variety now.
He looked around until he saw a figure moving towards him out of the corner of his eye. It was him. He swallowed hard and felt himself begin to sweat.
"Are you looking for dessert too?" The young man questioned him with a quick laugh. "All these processed meats are not really my thing, and I'd kill for a slice of cheesecake – oh! Cupcakes!"
Blaine watched the other man lick his lips and reach for a cupcake which he immediately proceeded to lick the icing from the top of. Then he dipped his finger into the remaining icing and carefully and thoroughly licked it off his finger. Oh god. Blaine had to say something before he inconveniently grew hard again. He felt his penis twitch in his shorts.
"Um, uh – so, I don't think I've met you before," Blaine said, clearing his throat.
"Oh – I'm sorry," he set what was left of the cupcake down and grabbed a napkin to quickly wipe his fingers before extending his hand to Blaine. "I'm Kurt…Hummel."
Blaine took Kurt's still somewhat moist hand in his and, glancing sideways once again at the potato salad said, "I'm Blaine," and then added in like fashion, "Anderson."
"So, who dragged you along to this lame thing?" he asked, playfully elbowing Blaine in the arm.
"This is actually my house," Blaine laughed.
"Oh shit," Kurt swore before breaking into a fit of giggles. "I guess I should me more aware of these things. You see, these types of gatherings aren't really my thing, and I honestly could think of a million places I'd rather be and things I'd much rather be doing," Kurt joked.
"If it means anything, there are definitely things I'd rather be doing too," Blaine said, but then mentally slapped himself in the face hoping that Kurt didn't hear the flirtatious inflection in his voice.
Kurt narrowed his eyes at Blaine for a split second. "So, what do you do around here for fun, anyway?" he asked.
"There's an Xbox in my bedroom – I don't really play it anymore. Ever since I went off to college, I sorta lost interest. I might have some movies we could watch? Or – never mind. We don't have to do any of that. It all sounds stupid," he trailed off. Then Blaine grew silent when he noticed that Kurt was eyeing him with an expression that was a mixture of interest and absolute depravity.
"You're cute when you nervously stumble over your words," Kurt said in a quiet voice that hit Blaine like a punch to the gut. He just called him cute. On second thought, that swooping sensation in his stomach wasn't like a punch at all. But Blaine's ears did not deceive him.
"You're not so bad yourself." Idiot. You're an idiot. That sounded terrible.
"And you're terrible at flirting. Very cute," Kurt said. "How about we take a walk around the yard a little ways from the crowd," he suggested.
Blaine just nodded and fell into step with Kurt who began his stroll towards the back of the yard which led to a patch of woods. But as they reached the outskirts, Kurt stopped in front of a tool shed that sat in the back corner and turned to Blaine.
"This spot looks nice," he said.
"It's a tool shed, Kurt," Blaine said, trying not to laugh. "It's an old, wooden tool shed filled with – tools."
"Tools you say? I wouldn't mind – having a little poke around inside," Kurt said, suggestively raising an eyebrow.
Blaine felt his body heat up again, but he reluctantly made his way inside behind Kurt who was already halfway through the door mid-sentence. Blaine glanced around the yard to make sure no one noticed them going in there, and then shut the door tight behind him.
"This is nothing like my shed," Kurt said. "Sadly, my tool shed is empty," he said, pouting dramatically as he took a seat on the tractor. "Do you think you could – I don't know – help me with that problem?"
"Uh – y – yeah," Blaine stuttered. Now he was sweating again, and – oh, there it was, that was definitely his erection from earlier making full-throttle reappearance.
"Oh," Kurt sighed. "It looks like you can help me." His eyes locked onto Blaine's painfully obvious bulge.
Blaine's brain was already halfway to a state of absolute malfunction when Kurt reached his hands out and pulled Blaine toward him. Then Kurt ran his hands around the back of Blaine's torso and slid them down until they were resting on his ass. He squeezed, and Blaine jumped.
"Mm," Kurt hummed. "That ass. It's a nice one. You know…when I first spotted you from across the yard, I knew I had to get you alone."
"Well, then," Blaine said, a little more confident now. "You're not alone. I was thinking the same thing."
Kurt stood up again and wrapped his arms around the back of Blaine's neck. He brought his face in close, nuzzling his nose into his hair, and inhaled deeply. "Wow. Your hair smells like raspberries," he whispered into Blaine's ear, and the heat of his breath caused Blaine to shiver and close his eyes for a moment.
Then his eyes flew back open, startled, as Kurt reached down and brashly grabbed Blaine's hard package through his shorts. His fingers went immediately to work pulling down the zipper, and, the next thing he knew, Kurt's lips were crashing into Blaine's in a sloppy, wet, desperate kiss. Kurt pushed his tongue into Blaine's mouth, and he let his lips and teeth part as Kurt took control. But then he pushed his tongue against Kurt's as they danced between their mouths in a sort of ritual.
Blaine brought his body forward, pushing hard into Kurt's hand that was still cupping his hard cock.
"The wieners are nice and plump now if you want to put them in the buns," a masculine voice sounded off from somewhere in the yard.
Blaine froze up, suddenly terrified.
Kurt laughed. "Yeah they are," he grunted and then proceeded to slip his hand into Blaine's boxer briefs, grasped his hand around Blaine's throbbing member, and pulled it out. His now exposed cock bobbed in the open air between them.
Blaine watched as Kurt now dropped to his knees. He slid Blaine's shorts and underwear down and around his hips and ass, allowing them to drop and pool around Blaine's ankles and feet. Taking Blaine's cock in hand, Kurt wrapped his lips around the tip and took Blaine's long hard length into his mouth.
"Hey! If no one is going to eat any more of this fudge, I'm about to pack it to take home," the voice of another male relation called out.
Kurt moaned around Blaine's dick, bringing him closer to climax. Then Kurt pulled his head back, grasped Blaine's hips with both hands, and let Blaine's penis fall out of his mouth. He forcefully spun Blaine around and urged him onto the floor of the shed. Kurt's mouth and nose were now inches from Blaine's ass. Kurt pulled his cheeks apart and pressed his mouth up against Blaine's hole. Then came the first contact of warm, moist tongue on skin as Kurt flicked his tongue out to lick at Blaine's hole. He gradually pushed his tongue inside the tight ring of muscle and began thrusting his tongue as deeply as he could into Blaine.
Oh. My. God. Blaine thought. No one had ever done anything like this to him before, and it felt – amazing.
Kurt reached an arm around and took Blaine's cock in his hand. As he fucked Blaine's ass with his tongue, he pumped his fist up and down Blaine's length. He fell into a rhythm that began to quicken in pace until Blaine couldn't take it anymore. Lights and tiny explosions seemed to go off in Blaine's head as his whole body seized up before forcefully expelling all his built up semen. His orgasm was like a small explosion, his jizz shot out all over the floor and nearby wall, painting streaks of man juice throughout the interior of the shed.
"Decorating are we?" Kurt mused as he looked around at the mess. "This simply won't do. The color is all wrong," he said as a now breathless, sweaty, boneless Blaine turned to face Kurt again. Kurt leaned his head in towards Blaine's groin again and ran his index finger through the come before bringing it to his lips, his eyes locked with Blaine's now. Then he ran his tongue up his finger and popped it into his mouth and swallowed it down with an impish grin.
"You taste really good," Kurt groaned. He leaned over Blaine's body on the floor and brought their mouths together again. One of Kurt's hands wandered down his pants to his own throbbing, aching erection and began stroking himself as he kissed Blaine slowly.
"Do you want me to take the hose out and fill it up?" yet another voice shouted in the distance.
"Hm…not yet. Getting there. Turn over," Kurt ordered, as Blaine rolled around and pushed himself up onto his hands and knees. Kurt grabbed his ass again in both hands as his dick, slick and shining with precum, hovered above. He spit liberally into his hand, rubbed it around Blaine's already somewhat moist, relaxed entrance, and pushed one finger, then two, into his hole, carefully sliding them in and out and scissoring his fingers occasionally, loosening and lubricating Blaine's interior posterior.
Blaine's eyes shot wide open again as something smacked him in the ass.
"Oh yeah. You like that," he slapped Blaine with his dick again. "More?" And again. "Giddy up, sweet cheeks! Papi's going riding!" he said as his hard penis whipped against Blaine's ass cheek yet again. "Arriba!"
"Oh yeah! Ride 'em, Cowboy," Blaine groaned in ecstasy. Blaine threw his head back and whinnied as he bucked his hips back, pushing his ass further up for Kurt, as Kurt's fingers sank deeper inside.
"Good boy," Kurt said, and he slapped Blaine's ass with his eager cock once more.
Then Kurt pulled his fingers out from Blaine's ass and lined the tip of his cock up with Blaine's hole before pushing himself inside. He gradually buried his cock deep in Blaine until he hit the prostate, causing Blaine's body to jerk and an anguished groan of pleasure to escape his mouth. Then he stopped.
Blaine felt so full and was anticipating the pressure to ease up, but Kurt just sat there, still, buried deep inside him.
"K – Kurt," he whimpered. "Are you gonna move?"
"Maybe," Kurt said softly.
"Move, Kurt," Blaine asserted this time. There was no question about it, he needed to move now.
"That's hot when you order me around," Kurt said. Then he pulled back, emptying Blaine's ass a little before thrusting himself back in again.
Then Kurt pulled nearly all the way out, and Blaine, wanting nothing but to feel as full as possible again, pushed back and impaled himself on Kurt's cock.
Kurt pulled out again, leaving Blaine flustered now.
"Oh. God. What the f- fuck, Kurt?!" Blaine whined as Kurt slammed back into him again, pushing him forward and causing him to slam his head against a paint can. He reached up and massaged his head briefly before losing his balance and nearly toppling over. He firmly planted himself back onto his hands and knees.
"Ung," was the only thing Blaine managed to utter as he was rocked forward and backward each time Kurt slammed his hips against Blaine's ass. Again. And again. Until Kurt felt his balls tighten before the big release. With one final thrust, his body shook as he came hard inside Blaine, filling him up with his seed.
Kurt slid out as a bit of come seeped out Blaine's hole. Some of Kurt's seed dripped off his cock and onto a nearby bag of fertilizer. Blaine collapsed to the floor, breathing heavily in attempt to catch his breath. Then he rolled over on his back, resting his hands on his abdomen as an equally breathless Kurt sat beside him, closed his eyes, and basked in the afterglow of his orgasm.
Kurt opened his eyes again and glanced over at Blaine who had been watching him with a smile on his face. Blaine was completely flaccid now and completely satiated. Then Kurt leaned his spent, heated, sweaty body over Blaine and planted a languid kiss on his lips. He slowly slid their lips together as Blaine closed his eyes. Kurt pulled away.
"We should probably get back to the barbecue before someone notices we're missing and starts to worry," Kurt said. All Blaine was capable of was nodding in agreement as he pulled his shorts back on and zipped them up.
After they were both a little more put together, Blaine first, peeked outside the shed to make sure the coast was clear before he slipped out and began walking across the yard. Kurt soon followed behind and eventually fell into step as they approached the other attendees.
Blaine's aunt looked up from the table as they drew closer, her eyes widened, and she signaled them over with a wave of her hand.
"It's great to see you two have met," she said. "Kurt here is Mildred's nephew – you're, uh, third cousins, I think."
What. The. Actual. Fuck. Blaine's stomach lurched and he stood stock-still with a look of utter horror plastered across his face. He slowly turned his head to look at Kurt who appeared equally shocked and disturbed. The wheels were rapidly spiraling in Kurt's head as he processed what just happened and tried to piece together the actual relation, but then his expression relaxed a little.
An enormous grin began to stretch across Kurt's face. Then he shrugged.
"We're third cousins, Blaine. That's pretty awesome. I'm so glad we were finally able to get acquainted."