AUTHOR:
Nicky Ji
RATING: PG-13
TIMELINE: Post episode 2.16
CHARACTERS:
Michael/Sara
SUMMARY: They both used to have control.
LOSS OF CONTROL
Every flirty word and every gentle touch - all of it - was planned. Five months in advance or five minutes beforehand, either way it didn't matter, because it was planned, I was in control. I thought through every situation, categorising each possible conversation and gesture. But there was one possibility I had not prepared for: falling for Dr Sara Tancredi. Not a single emotion I connected with her was planned. And that troubled me. I have long since lost the means to prevent the feelings she provokes, no way to control them. But I'm not sure I want to anymore.
Being clean meant being in control - to pass a bar and not go inside and have a drink or five. Fortunately my father had taught me about determination, because for him failure was not an option. I failed. I let someone else control my life, make my choices, taking me back to the needle that once before stirred and stilled. I then knew that quitting Michael would remove the dirt that was staining my life yet again. But my father can no longer tell me to be strong. So I've let go of self control and chase his high as I chase mine.