Pretending to be Fake
Chapter One
Everyone always says I should just give up.
They tell me he's just pretending to not care, but that in reality, he really does. Most people have given up hope on trying to revive him back to the world of the normality, but I haven't, in fact I think I've just begun to break him.
His name is Sasori, his last name isn't listed on school records, but no one really cares. The only reason I know is because of the rumors of first day roll call. It's always just "Sasori," and nothing else. My friends think it's crazy that I try to get his dull brown eyes to shine with life, but I can't help but wonder what a sight would look like.
He roams the hall, uninterested, uncaring. Red hair swaying slightly. Sometimes if I happen to be going the same way, I'll watch him as he walks down the hallways. He's so completely uninterested with everyone and everything and I can't help but notice how stiff and robotic he looks.
"Deidara!" someone yelled, disrupting my thoughts. Startled, I nearly fell off the chair.
I turn and look at one of my best friends and groan, "God, what is it Konan, yeah?"
"I said, do you want to be my partner for the upcoming science project?"
"Oh, sure whatever," I responded back dully.
I turned my attention and focus back to my thoughts, how could I get such a dead, lifeless person like that to smile? I know what always makes me happy, I like to watch fireworks, of course the only time they're in the sky is on the fourth of July, but you know what? If I can buy them, then I'm setting them off.
Just as I was forming a rough thought of plan A Konan elbowed me in the ribs, "Ow!" I complained while rubbing the spot she had just damaged.
"Pay attention to what I'm saying. Stop thinking about that depressed loner Sasori. He's just as bad as Itachi," I fumed at the mention of the Uchiha.
"It won't stop me yeah."
"Whatever," she rolled her eyes and we continued to talk about science until the bell rang. I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder, accidentally whacking some girl who sat next to me.
I apologized and moved on, not really giving anything much thought other than Sasori.
P.E was up next, and it was also the only class I had with Sasori. As I changed I could see him out of the corner of my eye, his locker was only a few away from mine. He left before me and I felt dumb for being distracted. I was just oddly entranced with the idea of seeing his face light up in a smile.
Would it be breathtaking? Are his teeth as white as I've, oddly enough, imagined? What if I immediately died after seeing such a majestic sight? Okay that last one was just plain stupid, but I really don't know what to expect. Sasori was just so boring, how could someone live like that? Life is fleeting and precious, and while school sucked I still tried to get the most out of it while I could. It could suck more, but my friends made it so much better.
Walking out I saw him sitting down. I went over and sat down next to him awkwardly since our assigned spots were right next to each other's.
I bit my lip, trying to work up the nerve to say something, anything.
Eventually I found my voice, "Hi Sasori," I said happily, hoping my nerves didn't show through my smile. He looked at me for a brief two seconds before nodding stiffly and going back to stare off into space.
Even though I was just a freshman, and this was his last year here, I wanted to try and get him to crack at least one smile before he left to go on with his life. Maybe it was moody aura, or his almost clouded brown eyes, or maybe I just kind of liked him, I don't know. There was just something about him that I couldn't get out of my head.
At least I had all year, I guess. It was just the beginning of the semester.
Without thinking, I started to idly tug at my bangs. They were in the way, but if I pulled them back or cut them then I'd have to wear an eye patch or something over my messed up eye, and trust me, no one want's to see that. One too many fireworks can do that to a person. It was stupid, it really was, but what's done is done.
I shot a quick glance over to Sasori who I now noticed was twitching his eye slightly. I tugged on my hair out of habit and his eye twitched again. Oh? Have I found a weak point?
"What?" I finally snapped at him after his excessive twitching.
"Stop tugging on your hair freshie," he said, which excited me since these were the first words he has said to me since I started pestering him last month.
"Why? It's my hair not yours yeah," I spat back.
He narrowed his eyes and this was the first expression change I've seen, "I don't care. It looks ridiculous and feminine when you do that."
I raised an eyebrow, so he's noticed it before then?
Just as I was about to retaliate, the gym teacher got everyone's attention by making our ears bleed with a sharp wail on his whistle.
"30 laps around the gym! Since it's raining we can't go outside!"
Everyone whined and sluggishly started jogging around the gym. Normally I would've been the same as everyone else, but right now I had so much energy just from hearing Sasori's voice that I was literally running circles around everyone.
I knew I was acting rather Tobi-like, a hyper-active friend of mine, but I didn't care. I finally got him to say something for once.
Up next was lunch. Sasori had the same lunch period as I, but unfortunately he had study hall first. I grabbed a tray, some food, and plopped down next to Konan and the others.
"Kakuzu you asshole!" Hidan proclaimed loudly coming to the table.
Kakuzu merely gave him a look, "What are you accusing me of now you idiot?"
"I can't find my lunch money and since we share a locker you must have-"
"You left your wallet inside your coat pocket this morning." Fuming, Hidan stormed off, mumbling profanities.
Konan shook her head and took a bite of her sandwich, she opened her mouth to say something after swallowing, but suddenly Nagato swooped and gave her a light kiss.
"Hello dear," he said nonchalantly while everyone else made a gagging noise.
"Dude do you have to do that every day while we're eating?" Kisame complained. The rest agreed. They were a cute couple and all, but honestly we all thought their PDA was gross, but they were also our amazing friends so we let it slide.
"Yes," he said pointedly, putting an arm around Konan tightly, "and if all of you would get your acts together and get a girlfriend then maybe you'd be doing the same thing."
No one said anything after that, after all, this was kind of the loners table. It was a weird kind of loner though since everyone was special in their own right.
Nagato is one of the most popular guys in school for god knows whatever reason and Konan has been voted prom queen two years in a row, well it will be two years including this one even though prom is so far off, but everyone already knows who they'll pick.
Hidan was notorious for selling drugs behind the football stands while Kakuzu was one of the smartest kids in school. Kisame was captain of the swim team and Itachi of lacrosse. I was a little more under the radar since I was still relatively new, but people were beginning to recognize me as a pyromaniac. I really wasn't, but it wasn't necessarily a bad rap. Tobi was known as the schools sweetheart, opening doors and giving people gifts and making them laugh etc. the list goes on, but I didn't want to keep thinking about how I was so much younger than everyone.
I sighed at the thought of being the last one out of high school. Hidan and Itachi were juniors and Tobi was a sophomore at least, but even they were still older than me. Speaking of the hyperactive devil, Tobi came running in and sat down in between Konan and me, his pale face smiling brightly as usual.
"Hi everyone!" he yelled loudly, "I saw Hidan coming down the hall, he looked pretty mad."
I turned around just in time to see the idiot come in, his face bright red from anger and perhaps embarrassment. He got his food without complaint before sitting forcibly in between Kakuzu and Kisame, "Move over jaws," he said with a grunt.
"I take much offense to that," Kisame retaliated. Hidan only made fun of him because of his swimming status, but the shape of his hair certainly didn't help. It looked like a fin and that hairdo was so middle school. It also didn't help that his sisters prank turned his hair bright blue. He didn't seem to care though, as he'd be shaving it for the final meet.
Hidan smirked anyway at his response and opened his water bottle, "Good."
Kisame punched him in the shoulder and things went back to normal for a bit. Tobi, again, had no lunch. How he managed high school without eating once is beyond me.
"Tobi aren't you hungry yeah?"
"No but thanks for asking Deidara," he said with that wide grin of his.
Really, I wished I could rip the smile off of his face and plaster it to Sasori's.
I sighed and after a moment noticed that the table had gone eerily quiet. Everyone stopped and stared at me, disbelief on their faces, "What?" I said through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Tobi looked as if he was about to cry, and his pout was ridiculous, "What?" I repeated after swallowing, a bit louder and a bit more forcibly.
"You really just said that," Konan said with a disapproving look.
"What did I say? I was just thinking to myself yeah."
"Yeah and your thoughts slipped out-"
"Why does Deidara want to make Sasori smile so much?" Tobi asked frantically.
I rolled my eyes as realization dawned upon me, "I don't know. He's really strange. He's kind of cool, a bit annoying, but he's alright…"
"Aw does little Dei-Dei have a crush?" Hidan cooed. I threw my empty water bottle at his head.
"No!" I don't know, did I? Then again, Sasori was a male. I wasn't sure if I was into that kind of stuff… well it's not like I was ever exactly straight either. Girls don't really seem to do it for me, but another guy? I don't know…
"Deidara's got a crush! Deidara's got a crush!" Hidan said in a taunting sing-song voice.
"Damn you," was all I had time to say before the bell went off and the lunch ladies started to shoo us out.
I sat in English next to Tobi who was bouncing up and down excitedly. He always had way too much energy, but today he was exceptionally jittery.
"Tobi calm down it's embarrassing yeah."
"Tobi can't! Someone gave him something called a pixie stick! And it was really big!" he said while holding his hands away from each other to indicate the size. I rolled my eyes. Well that was just wonderful, who gave the little kid sugar?
Sometime later I felt my head bang into the desk as my hand went out from underneath me. I woke up immediately and looked around. Thank god I was in the back and no one saw that.
A hand patted me on the back and I turned to face Tobi, "You said to wake you up if you fall asleep. I didn't mean to hurt you though, is Deidara okay?" he whispered. I nodded in thanks. Personally, I didn't care where high school took me, but for now I had to do as good as possible to keep up with the world.
I was only an orphan and when I was out of high school I needed to be at least smart enough to get a good paying job. With a sigh, I jotted down a few quick notes about paragraph structure before looking out the window.
Outside I saw a bird and I really wished I could fly off like him.
When the day was finally over I was nothing short of relieved since it was thankfully the end of the long week. Outside, I was getting prepared for the trek back to the orphanage when I saw Sasori sitting by himself by the flag pole. I went over to him and looked down at what he was holding. In his hands was this beautiful little china doll with a green kimono on.
As I got closer he took notice and shoved it away quickly, "Do you mind?" he said fiercely.
I drew back a little at the sharpness in his tone. I took a minute to gather my thoughts before speaking, "What was that you were holding?" I asked curiously.
"None of your business freshie, now go away."
"Not until I can see it," I chortled back.
He bared his teeth to me, once again, this was a ticket to see what goes on in that head of his. He stopped growling and zipped up his backpack, "It's just something special to me."
With that he stood and started to walk away, I attempted to follow, but for someone like him, after dealing with crowded hallways for a few years one tends to get good at dodging people.
I sat down on a bench and huffed. Damn, and for once I thought I was getting somewhere. With a frustrated sigh, I took out my phone and plugged in my earbuds as I walked home. When I finally got back, I was greeted by the caretaker of the orphanage, his name was Jiraiya.
"Hey welcome home," he put his hands on his hips when he noticed the glare in my eye, "what's up Dei? You're wearing a defeated look," I put on a fake smile for him before replying that it was nothing and going upstairs.
I went to my room and for the rest of the night listened to music. I didn't want to think about Sasori. I've been doing that too much and it was probably weird. The music helped, but it was the best distraction. I pulled out the red chunk of clay that Jiraiya bought me for my birthday and began kneading it in my hands.
The sculptures I made weren't terribly beautiful, but at least when I made a dog it was starting to look more like a dog now. Working clay like this always made me feel better, it made me feel calmer. Eventually I think I passed out to whatever heavy metal song was playing at the moment.
I woke up somewhere around three in the morning, so thank god it was Friday. I laid in bed for a bit when but when I couldn't fall back asleep I had the sudden urge to go for a walk, so picking up my jacket I snuck out as quietly as possible and started walking the empty streets.
It was chilly, and there were flurries of snow all around. Winter was coming soon and I was just about ready to give up these midnight walks. It gets to damn cold around here for comfort.
I came across the bridge as I do most nights. I stood by the edge and looked down at the oncoming traffic. I stared at the bright headlights for only a few seconds more and got ready to move on. I turned and was startled to see a figure standing in the distance.
I squinted my eyes but I couldn't quite tell who it was from here. I started towards the figure and through the hard falling snow I could make out the color of red hair. No, could it be? Was that really Sasori standing a mere twenty feet away?
Smiling, I walked over to him to say hello, but I noticed something extremely unsettling. He was standing on the very edge of the bridge, one foot dangling carelessly, and the other close to slipping off.
I took a few more steps forward and I saw his foot shuffle closer off the edge, dear god what was he doing?
His body started to lean forward due to gravity, and without much thought I rushed forward screaming his name, "Sasori!"
He turned his head towards me and our eyes met before I grabbed hold of his wrist. He tumbled over the edge, but quickly grabbed onto the rail when he saw that I was holding him tight. It was a good thing he did that too, because if he hadn't his weight probably would've pulled me down with him.
I wasn't weak, but even I could acknowledge that I was a fairly light and skinny dude. Konan, who never works out for strength, could spin me around and pick me up. So really I don't know what I was thinking going to grab Sasori like that. I guess it was just instinct.
Still, now that I had him, I don't think I'd be able to pull him up on my own. I hope he wouldn't let go. I didn't want to see him die.
He blinked a couple of times before, I assume, recognizing me. His eyebrows cinched in confusion and he said in a quiet voice, "Let go." He let himself relax and I could barely hold onto him as he slipped a little, letting his arms lose their grip.
I shook my head furiously, "You're insane if you think I'm going to do that!"
"Deidara let go," I stared at him, a bit shocked. I didn't even know he knew my name.
"Give me one good reason why I should," I shouted over the roaring traffic. How could he be so calm about this? I was already freaking out from the height at this angle, but the thought of slipping and having us both go down was something to truly fear.
When he didn't say anything, I began hauling him back up with all my strength. He didn't struggle anymore, but he didn't exactly help either. Back up safely now, he looked at me before asking, "What are you doing out here so late?"
I was breathing heavily after having just pulled him up, "I should be asking you the same thing! What the hell were you doing? Trying to jump off a bridge, are you insane yeah?"
Sasori stared at me, and for the first time, I think I saw some sort of emotion in his eyes. He titled his head to the other side, "Perhaps I am a little crazy. Really though, why are you out here?"
"I was going for a walk and I was scared shitless when I saw you about to jump, my god yeah."
"Hmm," he held a hand to his chin as he thought, I noticed he did that a lot when he was thinking hard.
A particularly strong gust of wind hit us just then and I shivered, knocking all the heat I may have worked up out of me. He sighed and said, "If you're cold, let's just go back to my place."
I was about to shake my head, but what if as soon as I turned around he jumped? I didn't want to risk it so I agreed awkwardly.
Sasori took my hand and led me forwards, he felt warm, or maybe it was me. Was I blushing? Why was he holding my hand? I could follow him easily enough. As we walked it began to hit me that I hardly knew anything about him. I'm suddenly glad that he was a decent enough of a human being to not go slack while we were both dangling back there. I guess if he really didn't care about anyone or anything, he would've let me fall with him.
I knew Sasori was like a lifeless puppet, but I never knew there was these kinds of emotions running through his head. I thought he just really didn't care about school or the people in it, I never thought his disinterest in people was because of something else.
I forced my thoughts to still. I didn't want to think of this now. Sasori was still alive, and to me that was all that matter. I'm sure he didn't like it, but I guess that's fate for you.
We walked down the road a few blocks towards a small apartment complex. We stopped in front of a door on the second floor and he took out a key and pulled me inside. I was immediately met by the warmth of a heater and I took off my jacket slowly. I was surprised he had a place all to himself. I looked around for a brief moment before I saw his red hair walking further in.
Sasori walked passed me and into his kitchen, "Want some cocoa?"
I nodded, I loved hot chocolate. Especially this time of year.
As he heated the water, Sasori stared at me with a fixed expression. I stared back, puzzled.
He leaned on the kitchen counter and continued to look at me I became nervous, "Do I, uh, have something in my teeth?"
He shook his head and looked elsewhere for cocoa mix. Pulling it out, the kettle whistled and he poured two cups.
Without turning he asked, "Do you want anything on top? Marshmallow's, whipped cream?"
"No, plain is fine, thanks…" he turned around and handed me a cup, he sipped at his and I watched the two marshmallow's floating inside. There was a moment of extremely awkward silence. For a moment, I didn't think we were going to even talk about what just happened. I didn't want to be the one to bring it, but at the same time we couldn't just not let this slide.
"You know," he started after a time, relieving me of the responsibility of talking first, "I really didn't think I'd be coming back home tonight."
I leaned against the counter. The cup warming my hands and I kept it close to my face so I could feel the warmth from the steam. I sighed and mustered up the courage to ask the dreaded question, "Sasori, why did you..?" referencing what happened earlier.
His response was nearly instant, "Some things have happened. I don't like the way my life style is set up."
I almost choked on my cocoa, "What? So? Don't go killing yourself over it yeah. Why don't you… I don't know talk to someone… or something…" I finished lamely. I've been pretty sad, but never depressed I don't think. I had my friends to thank for that. As I thought about it though, I wonder who Sasori had, if anyone. God, was he all alone here?
I felt a pang in my heart.
He looked up at me and our eyes met, "Why? I have nothing to live for. Deidara, I'm not you, you've got tons of friends, lots of potential. My family has been long gone and now… I feel as if it's time I join them."
Suddenly furious, I stood up and gripped his shirt and pulled him closer to me. He was a little be shorter than so I eased up, probably unintentionally choking him. I seriously couldn't believe how nonchalant yet open he was with all of this. I didn't know him personally very well, so I couldn't fathom as to why he was letting me know all of this. Maybe he figured it would get me off his back so I could leave and he could jump the next bridge.
In my irritation I started yelling at him, "That's crazy talk Sasori! You're not alone, after this last year you have the world to look forward to yeah! And if that's not enough you…" I panicked and said the first thing that came to my mind, "you'll always have me!" I blurted out.
Sasori raised an eyebrow, "I'll have you huh? What a strange thing to say to someone you just officially met."
My face got red and I looked away and I let go of his shirt. The collar was all weird and stretched now and I felt bad. I reached out quickly to smooth it back down and he didn't bother stopping me.
With all the confidence I could muster I continued speaking, "Yes Sasori. Even if we don't really know each other, couldn't we at least try to be friends? Please? Since the first day I saw you I've wanted to see you smile, I had never before seen someone so… lifeless. Well, besides Itachi yeah but at least I can read what he's thinking when he glares at everything, but you're different in a way. I don't even know a single thing that could be going through your head right now yeah."
He raised an eyebrow, "What goes on in my head is top-secret," he stated matter-of-factly. I looked at the ground and sat back down, sipping at my now room temperature cocoa.
"Has your goal always been to see me smile?" he asked after a few long minutes of suffocating silence.
"Yes… yes it has. I feel like there's more to it, but for now, I just want to see you smile."
"What an odd goal…" and with that, for just a second, Sasori did smile. Just for me