This takes place right after Spyro and Cynder are deposited on the platform in The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon. For the record, I love Spyro.
All Spyro characters are © Sierra. ENJOY!
An Cave, in Somewhar Mountaings
CRACK. Grrrrrbbbooom.
The golems looked back in alarm at the sound of their leader's slow, wet growls.
"Are you alright?" one of them ventured. The larger one lifted his huge, stone mallet, growling again.
"Sure, but I'm never touching those double atomic bean burritos again!" Pffffffffffffffrrrrrrbblt. "Urgh. Oh yeah, keep an eye on those…flying….thingies. Don't let them out. Oh and tell Herbie when he wakes up to sing happy birthday to The Purple One. It's his birthday!"
"Aaaw!" the golems chorused, hopping and growling with delight. They waved their axes, shrieking in their own tongue, "Happy Birthday! Snargleflats! Etcetera, etcetera!"
One of them turned to their leader, waving his arm, "Waitaminute! What about the fuchsia colored shit with the wings? Doesn't it have a birthday, too?"
"Pff, no way, dude," their master snorted, "everyone knows women don't have birthdays. Kill it. And make sure you get back that snake that Bob from Accounting put on her! I'm off to sack him. Simpkins! Simpkiinnnns! That's a tinny name, isn't it? SIMPKINNNNS!"
"LOOK! They're waking up! WHEEEEE!" There was a new bout of hopping.
"Spyro, you fat ass, wake up!" Spyro's eyes shot open, and he let out a shriek of terror when he saw the fuchsia muzzle being shoved into his face. Cynder, former dark bitch of the wicked west, giggled, the sound something akin to a wild board's flatulence and a rusted shut car door. "You were shitting yourself again."
"Dammit," Spyro snarled, slapping Cynder away, "I told you, I have a medical condition. And what the hell happened to your skin?! Weren't you black in the last game? And your stomach, it's fucking pink. What the hell did you do to yourself?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Cynder snorted, turning her eyes upward. She was silent for a few seconds. "Oh listen, someone's having sex in the floor above us. KEEP IT DOWN!! And don't thrust so hard, you'll break the wall!"
"I don't think they're having sex," Spyro said. Torches were lit, and he looked around as shitty curtains of poorly rendered flames tried to leap up around the platform they found themselves on. "Oh snap son. We look fucking ace, but that fire looks like a bad haunted house prop."
"You look like a bad haunted house prop," Cynder retorted. She narrowed her eyes at these ugly green things that were hopping, waving around poorly sharpened butcher knives at them. "Oh look, they want to give us a hair cut! Thanks, guys! I've been meaning to chop off these split ends."
"Bitch, you don't have hair," Spyro said with narrowed eyes. His contacts were driving him crazy, but without thumbs, he really had no way of taking them out to give them a spit shine. "Come on, let's ditch. My balls have dropped and I'm ready for some—URK!"
"Rape?!" Cynder crowed hopefully, looking forward eagerly as Spyro was stopped by the mystical green rope things. They both noticed the green snake balloon animals around both of their necks, and chorused, "That's not where the condom goes!"
The king of the hopping butchers growled something unintelligible. At least, it would have been, if not for the crystallized amber in both Spyro and Cynder's ear holes. Smaller ones started to hop up from the ground around them, and a huge scroll came up from the ground to cover both Spyro and Cynder's genitals from behind.
"Eeek, I'm being violated by parchment!" Cynder shrieked. She immediately decapitated the green beastie closest to her, while Spyro tried to bitch slap the ones staring at his ass.
"Bitches, take a picture, it lasts longer!" he bellowed. No matter how hard they fought, the green snake balloons held them firmly, tingling across their underbellies and lower, lower…and I'm not even going to finish that statement. Perverts. Where was I? Oh yeah, Spyro being a bitch.
"Ehhh! It burns!" Spyro shrilled, rolling from side to side impossibly on his wings when he saw the poor background animation. Cynder ignored him, decapitating butcher bitches while Peppy Hair shouted from the cosmos,
"DO A BARREL ROLL!"
The camera zoomed impossibly over their heads, coming from the end of a fishing poll as a turtle-monster floated over their heads. More bitches with butcher knives came pouring out of the kitchen doors, shrieking,
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OH PURPLE ONE!"
"But not the fuchsia bitch! She's a girrrrrrrllllll!"
"BITCH! I'm not a girl!" Cynder roared, her adams apple wobbling furiously, delighted with the carnage it was wreaking. Parchment grabbed their bums again, making them jump up and blindly attack the poor friendly golems, who only wanted to give them the cake they had in their cleverly disguised holding containers, disguised cleverly as big ass knives attached to sticks.
Spyro soon learned he could bitch slap so fast, he could literally become a dragon slap machine, and thrashed a butcher bitch from side to side. While he did so, he crowed with delight,
"I have gingivitis!"
The pixels were bouncing so furiously in the background that when Spyro and Cynder had defeated all six-thousand of the butcher bitches, the pillar was given its cue to fall to the lava pit below. Hubie howled in confusion and pain, reaching up to grab the platform for support, before he pulled himself up, belching to the heavens.
"Whoargh," he grunted, glancing at the golems still hopping like the loop animations they were, "double atomic bean burritos are NOT a good idea before seven thirty in the morning. Whoo! Oh hey, it's the Purple One! Hey, Purple One! Sorry about the whole binding necklaces, they were supposed to give you two good luck, but Bob Simpkins from accounting was an idiot and gave us the binding ones instead. So if you two could just wait here until the boss gets back, that'd be grrreat. Oh yeah! I'm supposed to sing happy birthday! Then you can ditch the fuchsia shit, I think I'm going to toss her in the lava pit, see how long it takes her scales to boil off." He cleared his throat, and then slammed down his fist on the play button cleverly hidden under the bricks on the top of the platform. "Ohhhhhh! Happy…wait, what are you doing? HOLY SHIT! What's that paper coming from?! OW! Stop hitting me, faggots!"
Hubie lifted his hulking fist again to hit the stop button, stopping the two dragons' onslaught on his newly manicured claws, causing a flock of dragon eating bats to fly up from under the platform. He made a swipe for them as the dragons ran in circles, screaming,
"THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"
"And they're bringing Ignitus!"
"No they're not, Ignitus doesn't come in until the shitty fight with big-un here."
"Oh yeah."
Hubie put down his hand, trying to apologize to the obviously idiotic dragons, and they beat up on his hand again, this time until it exploded, sending pieces of crystal meth and rock candy flying everywhere.
"My crack!" he howled, and flexed his hand, looking at the skuffs on his previously beautiful claws. "You sorry little suns-a-bitches! I'll kill you!"
He proceeded to swat at bats until his hand exploded again, and Spyro felt a wave of depression falling over him as he looked at the neon green condoms wrapped around their necks.
"Aaww, my condom ripped!" he wept.
"WHAT?! Fuck! You mean I could be pregnant now!"
"Stupid bitch, you're still a virgin!" Hubie yelled, slamming his fist down again. They surprised him by flapping aimlessly into the air, and he shook his head in disbelief, crowing, "Yay! You can fly now! Congratulations! Here, let's practice together! Wheeeeeee!"
The mysterious walking cheetah which none of the original fans of the series will recognize drew back the string on his bow, and his arrow flew at about five miles per hour until it connected with Hubie's eye. He shrieked as dark purple gas started to squirt out of his face.
"DUDE! You three are SO not invited to my bachelor partyyyyyy!" he wailed, punching at the wall nearest to him. Another pillar fell, frightening him into tripping charmingly backwards in to the pool of lava.
"I hope you think about what you've done! No dinner for you!" Cynder yelled down at Hubie. She gasped in terror when a neon yellow piss fly with wings whizzed towards them.
"Th'fuck the green women at?!" he shouted.
"Th'fuck happened to your voice, dude?! And didn't I tell you to beat it? How could a piss fly not get out of a cavern of rocks? You're like, what' two inches thick?" Spyro demanded hotly.
"Shut the fuck up, purple idiot!" the ever annoying Sparx snapped. "Bitch, I don't need this, I'm outie. Oh, and this bitch is called Hunter, but I don't think he has a dick, so call him Huntress."
"I'm gonna rape him," Cynder hummed in contentment. They proceeded to hop around in joy that the poorly animated background had disappeared, until they were standing in the she-male's shadow. "Hi! I'm going to rape you!"
"Yeah, I heard, what with these big ass lynx ears, and you wish," Huntress purred. "By the way, did that big piece of paper tell you how to jump over that shit? Like, oh-em-gee, that's creepy."
"Tell me about it! That parchment has been following me my whole LIFE!" Spyro shrilled. "No one can understand me. Hold me!"
"There's no time for that, we can make out later," Huntress yowled, going down on one knee. "I've been tracking you."
"No shit!" Cynder bellowed.
"Yeah, fuchsia bitch, now shut up and watch my god-awful legs wobble awkwardly," Huntress said, leading them into a sepia-toned hallway. "Damn, bitches need to clean this place up. Oh by the way, Ignitus has totes been looking for you for like, I dunno, three years."
"WHOA! So we DID hit puberty! Wait…why am I still so small?!" Spyro demanded angrily.
"Yeah, and where's my boobs?! Where are yours for that matter? Can I touch them?" Cynder asked, waving her ass like a whore.
"Bitch, step off," Huntress growled. "Now come on, they're having a birthday party for you at Iggy's crib."
"Sweet!" Spyro crowed.
"Hey, what about me?" Cynder demanded.
"Everyone knows us bitches don't get birthdays, hon," Huntress purred.
So they set off, on an impossibly long and annoying journey, in which a green crystal told them that Spyro could control the elements, like Aang from Avatar, and Cynder could just generally be a controlling bitch, like every anti-hero who's a female in any game, movie or book ever made. Then more butcher bitches came hopping at them, and Spyro lit a few joints, and they all got high.
Eventually, Herbie found them again, and threw them around on a pillar, because he was drunk and thought they were all spiders.
After that, they hopped around some more, and found some pillars, and vines to climb and smoke, which they did. Huntress showed them this big hunk of purple crack, telling them not to touch it, because Herbie would eat their babies. Which is weird, because obviously, Cynder isn't a chick. I mean, how can she be, there are only males in the game, except for Sparx's mom, but she's a bug, she doesn't count.
Anyway. Eventually they got out, and suddenly….
MOLES! No wait. That comes later.
THE END.
…..
….for now.
Author's Notes: Brought to you by: Crack Kitties. © Catwhohas14tails.