Author's note: These fics were written during series one to four so some of them are set before we found out that Kalinda slept with Alicia's husband.
Eight First Times
The date – they choose the wrong restaurant, a tiny little Italian place with the tables all scrunched together, and Alicia feels thoroughly exposed. Kalinda's no good at small talk, Alicia's no good at flirting, and the waiter's no good at subtlety. The third time he winks at them, Kalinda asks him if he has something in his eye. They don't leave a tip.
The kiss – they're both a little drunk. Kalinda breathes like she's at altitude. Alicia grabs onto Kalinda's body and inadvertently fondles a breast. She rips her hand away, apologizes for 30 seconds and practically runs to her car.
The road trip – Kalinda watches Alicia more than she watches the road and gets them utterly lost. Kalinda wants to follow the satnav and Alicia wants to ask for directions. They end up in a town with a population of three rather elderly sheep. They eventually find their way out by following a bus that says 'Chicago' on the front. They don't talk on the way home.
The coming out – they're in a meeting room with Cary discussing a case, all business, when Alicia casually leans over and zips up the final few inches of Kalinda's tight leather jacket. Cary gapes at her, open-mouthed. "Uh," Alicia says. "It's cold. In this room. She might have been cold." Kalinda shakes her head. (She does it again two weeks later, calling Kalinda 'sweetheart' in front of Diane. Kalinda gives her a look that says "You know, for an intelligent woman, you're not very bright sometimes." She can't help but agree.)
The same-bed sleeping – Kalinda snores. In a gentle, snuffly way, but she definitely snores. Alicia stares at her, half disbelieving, half charmed. She moves to the spare bedroom and sets the alarm for 6.00am so she can sneak back in. The next day she buys a six months' supply of ear plugs.
The bath – Alicia tries so hard to avert her eyes that she gets shampoo in Kalinda's ear. She cleans it with a washcloth and sloshes water all down her shirt. When Kalinda stands up Alicia wraps her in a towel that she promptly realizes is only a hand towel. She backs away immediately, treads on a plastic duck, and almost breaks her ankle.
The I Love You – Alicia whispers it on their fourth date after the most intense kiss of her life, but Kalinda's blood is pumping through her veins and she doesn't hear her. She says it again two weeks later and then realizes that Kalinda's already asleep. She tries again the following morning but Kalinda's phone buzzes just as she starts, and Kalinda says "What?" and she can't quite do it. She eventually writes it in a text message just to get the first one out there. (It takes 47 seconds for Kalinda to text it back.)
The sex – they wait too long and find that slow and tender is beyond them. They don't make it to the bedroom. Kalinda rips two buttons off Alicia's designer dress and breaks a fingernail in the process. Alicia bangs her head on the coffee table. Kalinda gets carpet burn on her belly. Alicia comes so hard she makes a squealing noise and hides her face in her hands for five minutes.
When she finally opens her eyes, Kalinda is smiling at her.
She smiles back.
Elevator
The elevator ride from the 27th floor takes about 60 seconds. They stand as far apart as possible and stare at the elevator doors.
Kalinda thinks Are you OK are the kids OK are you coping are you crying do you blame me do you hate me do you hate me will you talk to me again properly will you talk to me again like you used to like you trusted me do you need any help I would help you I'd do anything I'd do anything for you you're the only one in my life I miss you I miss you I'm so sorry.
They reach the ground floor. Kalinda says "Goodnight," and walks to her car.
Gay Icon
Alicia refuses to believe that she's a gay icon, just doesn't think it's true, and it's endearing and funny and awful at the same time – a woman this beautiful, this bruised. So Kalinda asks her out for drinks one night (they're doing that again, and it's different now, yes, but the core of them remains) and takes her to a place they've never been before.
She chooses the most expensive, exclusive bar she can think of, so Alicia won't be suspicious right away. And then she waits.
Alicia's sitting on the plush, padded seat, tequila in hand, telling a story about one of her kids, when she pauses. (She talks to her again, now. Long, personal stories, real feelings, real life. Kalinda wants to warn her, protect her, to stop her from being so trusting. I'll hurt you again, she thinks. She doesn't ever say it because she knows it isn't true.)
Alicia's staring at two women across the room who are holding hands and laughing. Now she's staring at a couple on the dance floor, dancing close and slow. Now she's staring at the woman at the bar in the Armani suit; the one who's been staring at Alicia since she walked in the door.
"I think you have an admirer," says Alicia.
Kalinda smiles, unable to help herself.
"I don't think I do," she says.
Alicia looks again. "She's...looking at me."
"Yes, she is."
"She must recognize me from the..." The woman at the bar smiles an unambiguous smile, and a light bulb goes on above Alicia's head.
"Oh."
"Yeah." Kalinda's grinning broadly now. She knew it would be like this.
"What...what should I do?"
The grin widens. "What do you want to do?"
"What? Nothing! I mean...I'm not...you knew this was a..."
"Den of lesbian iniquity? Yep."
"So why did you bring me here?"
"To prove that the ladies like you."
"I..." She looks over to the bar woman again, who winks at her. Kalinda cringes, silently apologizes on behalf of lesbians everywhere. Grins again at Alicia's blush.
The woman stands up from her stool and begins to head in their direction.
"Help me out here."
"What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know, just...tell her I'm not interested."
Kalinda walks over to the stranger and just says, "No". The woman cowers a little from Kalinda's attitude, and says, "Sorry, I didn't realize. My mistake." The stranger leaves.
Kalinda turns to walk back to Alicia, but before she takes a step she sees a blonde slide into her old seat. Alicia shoots her an alarmed look. Kalinda sits down at the bar, and Alicia shoots her an even more alarmed look.
She waits at the bar, watching for a few minutes. It looks like Alicia is holding her own, but she's begging her to come back with her eyes. After a few more minutes she decides that she's made her point.
"Hey."
"Hi."
"You're in my seat."
"Oh, wow, I'm sorry...I didn't think...you should have said something."
Alicia's a deer in the headlights.
"She's too polite."
"Right, OK...I'm just gonna go."
They watch the blonde go.
"I can't leave you alone for a second."
Alicia glares at her. "Don't do that again."
"Not your type? There's a brunette in the corner who can't keep her eyes off you."
Another glare. But she's blushing all over now, and there's a light in her eyes that hasn't been there for months.
"How did you know?"
"How did I know what?"
"That...that would happen."
"I hear things. People know where you work. See me with you. Ask about you."
"People ask if I'm gay?"
"Yes. Or could be with some gentle persuasion."
"And what do you say to them?"
"That you're not."
A small pause.
"Yeah?" says Alicia softly.
Kalinda's heart hammers in her chest. She suddenly wants to run.
"Yeah. Wrong answer?"
Their stare is electric, intense. Alicia's found her courage; Kalinda feels hers deserting her.
"I'm a lot happier with you." That could mean anything, but it's said honestly, seriously. It could still mean anything, but Kalinda can only cope with the obvious.
"Then I won't leave again."
Alicia smiles a warm, affectionate smile, and Kalinda basks.
Declarations of Undying Love
"You two seem to work well together."
Two drinks in and she's already tipsy. He suspect she's trying for subtle innuendo but the smirk on her face is breaking through.
"We do."
"You do. Definitely working well together."
The smirk is now a grin. He grins back. He hasn't really seen her this silly before; it's more than a little charming.
"Is there something you want to say, Mrs Florrick?"
"That's Mrs First Lady, Mr Agos. And I'm just saying that you work very well together."
"And I agreed."
"Yes you did. So when's the wedding?"
She's giggling now. He really hasn't seen this before.
"I don't know what you're talking about." He tries to stay stony-faced but it's no good; she's infectious.
"You should make your move, Cary. He won't wait around forever."
"Yeah, I'll get right on that."
Alicia smiles happily at him. "Has he ever...you know. Asked you?"
"Asked me?"
"Yes."
"No."
"You've never talked about it?"
"No. Why?"
"I think you should talk about it."
"To say what exactly?"
"To declare your undying love for each other."
Cary assembles his most serious face. "I'll get right on that too."
There's a companiable silence for a while, Alicia sipping her wine, Cary trying to picture the look on Clarke's face if he actually broached the subject. Terrified, probably. Rabbit in the headlights, gerbil in the river. He promises himself he'll never talk about it.
"Did you ever talk about it?"
It's out of his mouth before he's even partly thought it through and he immediately regrets it, frantically searching for a way to cover his mistake.
"About what?"
"Nothing."
"Cary, tell me, about what?"
His brain seems to have frozen solid. Maybe she's drunk enough not to murder him.
"With Kalinda? You ever talk about it?"
He watches as a small furrow in her brow turns to surprise and then a kind of slow motion realisation as she understands what he's saying. She'll deny all knowledge, he's sure of it. At least at first.
"I don't know what you mean."
Of course she'll deny it. The more he works with her the more he's impressed and at the same time, there's a sense of creeping horror at the astonishing act she puts on, all of the dissembling and pretend that comes with her life. Surely that must kill a person, slowly, from the inside. Surely she's suffocating.
"Yes, you do." He gazes at her levelly, wondering what it would take to make her honest. He never found out with Kalinda. Maybe he'll find it with her.
"Cary..."
"You must have known, Alicia. She followed you around like a puppy. You never talked about it?"
The smile is long gone from her face. She stares down at her wine glass, watching her fingers slide down the stem.
"No. We never talked about it."
He tries to keep the shock from showing on his face, but it doesn't matter anyway – Alicia's not looking at him. Her expression is pensive, tense. He doesn't want to ruin the evening but he has to know.
"Why not?"
She looks at him, then. "How exactly would that conversation go, Cary?"
There's so much anger in her voice he physically flinches. But maybe it's the beer, maybe it's her anger, maybe it's the fact that Kalinda Sharma hasn't smiled at him for a year...whatever it is, he finds himself answering.
"You'd declare your undying love for each other."
He expects her to laugh. Throw something at him. Storm out. He concentrates on his beer glass for as long as he dares.
When he looks up she's crying.
The Rules
Alicia has eleventy-billion rules. She started with the obvious ones, like no sex in the stationery cupboard, no feeling her up in the corridor, and then progressed from there when she found out that the obvious rules didn't actually rule out very much when you were trying to stop someone like Kalinda Sharma from getting you wet at work.
No kissing in her office. No footsie under the table. No touching the inside of her wrist. (Kalinda looked at her like she was nuts when she made that rule, but it was just as necessary as the others…one finger, stroking, on the sweet spot of her wrist for 30 seconds in the conference room had led to a whole afternoon of fevered distraction.)
Each time she makes a rule she knows that Kalinda's going to try to find another, subtler way to get her all hot and bothered. She's been surprisingly respectful of the rules themselves, though; amused, really. Alicia knows that she'd never deliberately make her feel self-conscious at work, it's just that…well. It's just that everything about Kalinda turns her on.
She thinks about making some more rules. No whispering in her ear. No touching the small of her back. No looking at her in a meeting.
No looking at her? Jesus. She can just see Kalinda's expression if she tried to make that rule. A raised eyebrow, a smirk, that "Alicia, you're cute but you're crazy" face. Sometimes Alicia wishes that Kalinda didn't have quite so much power over her. But not often. Most of the time she likes things this way. Needs things this way.
She sits in the afternoon meeting and feels Kalinda's eyes on her for most of the time. It feels like basking in the heat of a summer's day. It feels like foreplay. It feels like love.
The rules are only there to keep her safe. They're not working. She wants Kalinda so badly she's planning to break four or five of her own rules in her office after the meeting.
She's always played by the rules. It's about time she stopped.
Five People Who Knew It Before Alicia
Owen – He has no idea why Alicia still talks to her, and when he meets her for the first time he has no idea why they even became friends in the first place. She's rude, uninterested, aloof, arrogant and dull. She has the social skills of a potted plant. He thinks she's awful.
Alicia seems to just ignore her faults and talk to her like she's a normal person. He's baffled. She basically broke up a family. What the hell is she doing here?
When Alicia asks her to stay for dinner he's astounded. And then Kalinda says "Really?" in a surprised, hopeful voice that makes her sound like a kid who's been asked out by the football hero. "Really," says Alicia, and there's a moment where they look at each other…and he knows, right then. He sees it all in Kalinda's eyes.
Courtney – She leaves her cellphone at work one evening. It's eight o'clock by the time she realizes, but there's usually someone in the office until at least nine, and she needs to check her messages, so she goes back into work to pick it up.
She walks out of the elevator and sees Kalinda Sharma in Alicia's office. She stops walking.
She's a little scared of Kalinda; most people are. When she first started working here the first thing she heard about Kalinda was that she was cold. She didn't take much notice of that because the second thing she heard about her was that she was gay, and she'd experienced enough disguised prejudice in her life to make her reserve judgment on the Asian lesbian. Until she met her and found her as frosty as a snowman.
Kalinda's standing at Alicia's desk staring at a photo frame in her hand. Courtney watches her for 20, 30 seconds, trying to work out what she's doing. Alicia keeps three photos on her desk: one of Zack, one of Grace, and one of Zack and Grace together. Why on earth would Kalinda be interested in Alicia's kids?
She really needs her phone though. She walks as quietly as she can to her desk, head down. She hears Kalinda's footsteps and a quiet "Goodnight", and she says "Goodnight" back, grabs her phone, and walks away.
It takes her 30 minutes to walk to her apartment, and she wonders about the photo the whole way.
The first thing she does at work the next day is check the photos on Alicia's desk. The one on the left is of Zack, the one on the right is of Grace, but the photo in the middle has changed; she hadn't noticed. It shows Zack, Grace, and a laughing, glowing Alicia.
Cary – Kalinda invites him to a bar one evening, and he goes because it's her. They get drunk together, and he asks her back to his apartment and is surprised when she says yes, and even more surprised when she kisses him the moment he closes the door.
They're half-naked in the bedroom when she starts crying. He feels terrible, apologizes, puts his arm around her and asks her what's wrong. She just cries into his shoulder, deep, heaving sobs, and he feels like a total asshole.
Eventually she stops crying, and he finds her some tissues and puts his arm back around her, amazed when she doesn't pull away. He asks her what's wrong again; she doesn't answer. He asks if he did something wrong; she shakes her head.
He asks if there's someone else; she doesn't answer. He asks if she misses Alicia; she doesn't answer. She lets him hold her for another hour, and they end up falling asleep. She's gone when he wakes.
Will – He watches her. Her comment about never confiding in anyone had sent a chill down his spine. He cares about her, so he watches her.
She's fighting with Alicia, he knows that much, and Alicia has told him why. They're professional, still, but they used to be so close. It was sweet, really, how they used to be. He'd always see them together. If he couldn't find Kalinda he'd ask Alicia where she was, or just check Alicia's office. He'd never seen Kalinda like someone so much, smile at someone so much. Attach herself to someone.
And now they hardly speak, and there's ice in the air. He calls Kalinda into his office and offers to split them up – she can work with the other associates for most of the time, and he'll brief her on Alicia's cases.
He's surprised when she says no, and he tries to convince her that she and Alicia need a break from each other. She says no again, and he's about to keep arguing when she says "Please." There's fear in her voice and her eyes. Kalinda never says please.
(Alicia talks to him sometimes, about Kalinda. How she's betrayed her, how she trusted her, how stupid she was to ever care about her in the first place. You're not married to Kalinda, he thinks.)
Sophia – She calls and calls and calls. She'd forgotten what it was like to be touched by Kalinda Sharma; she needs it again. But Kalinda never answers her calls.
When she finally gets a callback, Kalinda agrees to meet. She's buzzing with sexual excitement by the time she walks in, all confidence and charisma and boots and attitude. But she's different, tonight. Two drinks in and Sophia knows that she's not going to get what she wants.
"What happened to you?" she asks. "Something's changed."
Kalinda ignores her.
"You can talk to me, K. What happened to you?"
"Nothing happened."
"But you won't come home with me?"
"No."
"Then what happened?"
Kalinda sighs and looks away. "Someone got hurt. Someone married. I'm trying to be good."
Sophia smirks. "Well that won't last for very long. Come home with me. You know it's more fun to be bad."
Kalinda looks at her. "I mean really hurt, Sophia. I can't do that again."
Sophia studies her. "Kalinda Sharma, don't tell me you fell in love?"
Kalinda smiles at her. "I don't do love."
"You don't do morality either."
Kalinda stands up and throws some money on the table. "I'll see you around," she says. Sophia thinks That didn't go quite as I'd hoped. She finishes her drink, finishes Kalinda's drink, and goes home.
Alicia – It's Owen who tells her. He does it in his usual teasing way, but he makes it clear that he believes it. As soon as he says it she knows it's true. It just fits.
She spends a sleepless night thinking of her, and then corners her the next day in a meeting room.
"Are you in love with me?"
Kalinda gapes at her, frozen.
"Are you?"
"I…do you…Alicia…"
Alicia takes a step forward. And another. "I think you are. Owen told me you are."
"I…I…"
Alicia takes a final step forward and kisses her, whisper soft, on the mouth. "I think you are."
Kalinda gazes at her. She looks a little drunk.
"I think I might be in love with you too."
Kalinda lights up. Alicia watches, thinks "I did that."
"Alicia…there might be…a few other people who know. Will, maybe Cary…Courtney."
"Courtney? Why the hell would Courtney…?"
"I'll tell you later. Can I have another kiss?"
She can.
Later, when she tells Alicia how Courtney knows, she gets more than a kiss.
Comfort, Sacrifice and Gratitude
Comfort
It was a little after seven on a Friday evening, and Alicia couldn't go home. Another week, another hooker, and her life thrown into turmoil once again.
She had thought that the scandal was all played out, that she could start to put it behind her and decide whether her marriage was actually worth keeping. And now there was another name in the papers, and more pictures on the internet, and more whispers every time she passed her colleagues in the hall.
She was so damn tired, and so sick of it all. The thought of going home to Peter turned her stomach, so she had hidden herself away in her office for as long as she could, watching everyone else slope away for the weekend.
Most of her colleagues ignored her or waved goodbye, and the braver ones poked their head round the door and offered feeble goodnights. Diane had even offered to drive her home, which was probably a nice thing to do but in her wounded state made her feel thoroughly pathetic.
Suddenly, sat in her office alone and contemplating a weekend of arguments and lies, her composure broke, and she found herself sitting on the carpet and sobbing. And even that felt like defeat.
She sat there, helpless, as the tears fell. A noise at the door made her look up, and she saw Kalinda standing in the doorway. She quickly looked away, embarrassed that anyone would see her like this, and tried to speak but found she couldn't.
Kalinda stayed in the doorway for a few more moments, and then came and quietly sat next to her on the carpet, stretching her boots out and crossing her legs at the ankle. She stayed there, not saying anything, as Alicia fought with her breathing and tried to get herself under control.
After a few more minutes, Alicia took a final deep breath and managed to stem the tears. Embarrassed and raw, she stared at the wall and tried very hard not to think.
"You need a cuddle?"
Alicia turned and stared at her, her mouth hanging open slightly in surprise. "You're going to give me a cuddle?"
"I was gonna get one of the secretaries to do it."
Alicia laughed, although her laughter faded almost immediately. She knew that Kalinda was just trying to cheer her up a little, but right at that moment, she found herself wishing that her friend was genuinely just a little more…cuddly. Because maybe a good bear hug was exactly what she needed. What she deserved right now after so many months of crap.
She sighed, and then noticed Kalinda watching her. She gave her a limp smile to show that she wasn't going to burst in tears again, and then looked away.
And then she felt Kalinda take her hand, gently, and start stroking her skin with her thumb. She stared down at their hands, and then tried to look at Kalinda's face surreptitiously. Kalinda was looking straight ahead, and her expression, as usual, showed little of what she was thinking. And the thumb kept stroking.
Alicia tried to remember a time when Kalinda had touched her before, even briefly, and apart from the most inconsequential of shoulder taps she couldn't remember a single time.
Perhaps that was why this felt so…comforting. So unusual. So exactly what she needed.
She'd never known anyone quite like this woman. This woman who never, ever, ever told her anything about her life, or how she felt about her or their friendship, but still somehow made her feel more cared for and protected than her own philandering husband. This woman who was so unreadable and who seemed to read her like a book.
Alicia sat there for a few more minutes, lapping up the closeness and the care. She thought briefly about saying thank you, but knew immediately that Kalinda would just fob her off or pretend that she wasn't even helping her, so she stayed silent.
For the first time that day, she felt something close to calm.
Sacrifice
"Because I'm a lesbian."
Alicia froze. Standing just outside the courtroom door, she had been listening to Kalinda's testimony for 20 minutes, dreading what might be revealed but unable to tear herself away.
The events with Peter had left her jealous and fearful of any woman Peter had ever looked at, and God knows he would have looked at Kalinda Sharma. She looked at Kalinda Sharma, and she was supposed to be as straight as they come.
And there was this niggling doubt at the back of her mind that maybe Kalinda was too…nice to her. Too solicitous. Too protective. That maybe she just felt guilty, and sorry for her, a trusting, stupid wife who was so naïve she would become friends with her husband's ex-lover.
But now…the attorney had been peppering Kalinda with questions about her relationship with Peter since she took the stand, and Kalinda had been answering with what sounded like the truth. But it also sounded…ambigious.
Yes, they had had drinks together sometimes. Yes, he once bought her dinner. Yes, he once drove her home.
And Alicia had been feeling more and more horrified, as the pieces fitted together in her head, and her favorite person at Lockhart Gardener began to reveal her secrets.
And then…wham. She had revealed her secrets. Her lesbian secrets. In front of the whole courtroom, on the record, when she had refused to tell Alicia in a bar one night in confidence.
Alicia's mind raced. Kalinda had completely killed the attorney's line of questioning, although he stupidly tried one more time ("And you never sleep with men?" "I'm an excellent lesbian, Mr Lloyd. No I don't sleep with men") and she had outed herself to a roomful of people. Jesus.
Alicia waited for Kalinda to leave the stand, and followed her as she left the courtroom.
"Hey."
"Hey. Thought I told you not to come to court."
"I know, I just…had to. What just happened?"
"I have more important things to do, and I wanted to be doing them."
"Kalinda."
"What?" Alicia studied her face, and she could see, for possibly the first time ever, that Kalinda looked…not exactly scared, but something close to it. Unsettled. Uncontrolled.
"Was that for me?" Alicia asked softly.
"Like I said, I have things to do. I'll see you later."
"Kalinda." Alicia grabbed her hand and held her back. Pulling a little harder than she'd intended meant that Kalinda fell into her slightly, invading her personal space. They stood there, looking into each other's eyes, Alicia aware that she was starting to blush, and that people were looking at them, but entirely unable to move away.
"Thank you," she said, and tried to read Kalinda's face. She thought she saw anxiety still, and tension, but also…something glowing underneath. A spark.
"You're welcome," said Kalinda quietly, a grin starting to form on her face, and Alicia blushed fully now, in her awareness of how close they were standing and how two words from this woman could affect her.
"Are you going to let go of my hand?"
Alicia unthinkingly looked at their hands, still entwined and refusing to let go. She didn't want to let go. She wanted to hug her, she wanted Kalinda to flirt with her and tease her and make grand gestures of abandoned privacy because it all made her feel so good.
But she couldn't tell her any of that. She didn't know how, or what it might mean if she spoke the words aloud. So she let go of her hand.
And they still stood there, looking at each other. And Alicia had so much to say.
Gratitude
The case was dragging on and on, and getting duller by the minute. Alicia and Kalinda had been working on it since late November, and had filled boxes and boxes with documents that they now had to go through before the trial, looking for that one killer bit of evidence that seemed more elusive by the day.
Alicia would usually have hated working so hard so close to Christmas, but this year she was grateful. Peter was in full-on guilty father mode and was spending most of his time trying to instill some Christmas spirit into his somewhat reluctant teenage children.
Which meant that she could legitimately spend as much time as she wanted at work, away from the big questions of marriage and divorce and futures and breaking families. Hiding with Kalinda in cramped rooms and calm silence, and an unspoken knowledge that they could delegate some of this work to their assistants, but chose not to because…well, because Alicia had problems, and Kalinda…Kalinda just chose to be here.
In her most confident moments Alicia thought that maybe Kalinda chose to be here because she chose to be near her. But she didn't have many confident moments these days.
"We're almost done on the background stuff. You have anything there?"
"Nope. Nothing useful. We should probably call it a day."
Alica felt a small pang of disappointment, but smiled her agreement. "I have something for you first."
"Sorry?"
"I have something for you. A Christmas present."
"I…you do?"
Alicia smiled broadly at Kalinda's startled expression, relishing one of the few times that she had been able to surprise her. She had been planning this for a while, in return for all of Kalinda's care – the protective help and support had been building up for two years now, not to mention the whole "I'm a lesbian" declaration to help Peter's case. She owed her.
"Here." She handed over the gift, which she had carefully wrapped in the schmaltziest paper she could find (happy snowmen, it turned out), with ribbon and a bow on the top. She grinned as Kalinda took the gift and stared at the little snowmen.
"You're supposed to take the paper off."
Kalinda gave her the "no kidding" look, and started ripping opening the present.
"You know if you did that carefully you could use the paper another time."
"What can I say, I'm impatient." Kalinda finished with the paper, tossed it down on the table, and gazed at her present. Her orange present. In the shape of a notebook.
"I wanted to get you something that you would appreciate. Those are your favorite, right?"
Kalinda gazed a little longer at the present, and then looked up at Alicia with a growing smile. "Yeah. These are my favorite."
They sat there, smiling at each other, for a few moments more, until Alicia said "You're supposed to say 'Thank you, Alicia'."
"Thank you, Alicia. It's a good job you're here to make sure I do this stuff correctly."
"Isn't it? I don't know how you manage without me, to be honest."
"Neither do I."
Kalinda opened the notebook and ruffled through the pages. "You know, I feel bad. I didn't get you anything."
"Oh, that's OK, I wasn't expecting anything. You can buy me a drink sometime."
Kalinda looked up at her again, and the smile had gone, replaced by a look that for some reason made Alicia's pulse beat a little faster.
And faster still, as Kalinda leaned forward, placed her hand on the side of Alicia's face, and softly, ever so gently, kissed her cheek.
"Thank you. It's a very thoughtful present."
Alicia sat frozen to the spot. Kalinda's hand was still touching her face, and their eyes were locked together. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and she wanted…she just wanted…
So she did. In a moment of pure feeling, unsullied by doubts or fear or thought, she leaned in towards Kalinda, and kissed her.
Kalinda sat very still for a few moments, and then she started kissing back, and Alicia was totally lost. A soft, tentative kiss turned to open-mouthed passion and Alicia moaned as she finally, finally expressed what she'd been feeling forever, finally knew that the feeling was returned.
One minute passed, and two, and five, and still they kissed. A fleeting thought invaded Alicia's mind about whoever was left in the office, but it wasn't nearly worrying enough to make her break this kiss, this connection. Kalinda's hand was in her hair, and the other around her waist, and oh God, now Kalinda was moaning as their tongues met, and it felt like a decade's worth of desire revealed in a single kiss.
Finally Alicia needed air, so she pulled away, panting, electrified, staring at Kalinda's lips and her mussed up hair and the desire she saw reflected in her eyes. The rush of adrenaline made her fearless: "Those notebooks are really expensive, you know. You probably owe me some more."
And Kalinda beamed at her, a stunning and childlike and gleeful and fully free smile. Alicia felt like she'd just saved the world.
Hope, Abandon Hope
(This story contains two chapters; both chapters start the same way and then diverge.)
Version One: Hope
"This is all of it."
"Thanks." Alicia takes the folder and places it next to her laptop. "Think we have a case?"
"Should have. He's no angel."
"Yeah, I gathered that much."
There's a pause. Alicia waits somewhat impatiently for the next case update; she's due in court in an hour and can't afford to be doing nothing.
"What's next?"
"What?"
Kalinda looks uncharacteristically confused. Not for the first time Alicia wonders if her husband has truly left town, if that's all over with. Not for the first time Alicia wonders if she knows this woman at all.
"Next case? What is it?"
"Oh, no, I...I'm done."
"OK. Thanks."
She goes back to her overflowing email inbox, determined to at least make a dent in it before she has to leave. She gets halfway through a reply to Colin Sweeney when she realizes that Kalinda hasn't left the room.
"Kalinda?"
She's standing motionless, one hand on the door handle, the other by her side. She can't see her face.
"Was there something else?"
She remains motionless, frozen in time. A quick burst of frustration runs through her that her time is being wasted, but then a sudden flash of intuition tells her exactly what's coming next.
"You're going with Cary?"
"Maybe," says Alicia. "And you?"
"I'm still thinking about it."
She's very pointedly not looking at her. Alicia starts to smile. She'd been waiting for this. She wonders how Kalinda will play it.
"When does he need your decision?"
Alicia's smile widens a little. "Oh, he's not really given a deadline. I might take a week or so, mull things over, talk to the kids, you know. No rush really."
Kalinda's hand tightens a little more around the door handle.
"Cary wants my answer by the end of the week."
"Right. Well, you'd better do some quick thinking."
"Yeah."
She really shouldn't play with her, it's just that...well. She hardly ever gets the upper hand. And it's more than that. If she's right – and she's almost sure she is – it's starting to feel wonderful. It's starting to feel like they might be all right after all.
"If you're...when I talk to him..."
She almost breaks and takes pity on her. She's really not doing very well here, considering this is the woman who can usually extract the most personal pieces of information in ten seconds flat. But then, she doesn't usually have to give anything of herself to get it. She's exposed. So she's floundering.
"It would be useful if..." She tails off again, and Alicia gives in.
"I'm pretty certain I'm going with Cary."
Kalinda turns to look at her. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. Almost a sure thing."
She can practically see her body relax. "Right. Well. See you later."
Oh no, she's not letting her get away quite that easy.
"Were you waiting?" she says.
"Waiting?"
"For me. Waiting to see where I would go before you made a choice."
Kalinda has put her very best poker face on.
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"OK. Say that were true though, if you were waiting...if you wanted to work wherever I worked..." Now that she's actually saying it out loud, this suspicion that's been building for weeks, it's making her eyes prickle with unexpected tears. She swallows.
"If you'd been waiting for that, then in that situation I'd want you to know that I'd be touched. If that were true. I'd be very pleased."
She watches as Kalinda swallows too. Her poker face remains in place. "I'll keep that in mind."
"You do that."
There's the smallest hint of emotion on her face, just the suggestion of a smile, before she pivots on the spot and walks away. Alicia watches her go, still smiling.
She thinks that they might be all right, now.
Version Two: Abandon Hope
"This is all of it."
"Thanks." Alicia takes the folder and places it next to her laptop. "Think we have a case?"
"Should have. He's no angel."
"Yeah, I gathered that much."
There's a pause. Alicia waits somewhat impatiently for the next case update; she's due in court in an hour and can't afford to be doing nothing.
"What's next?"
"What?"
Kalinda looks uncharacteristically confused. Not for the first time Alicia wonders if her husband has truly left town, if that's all over with. Not for the first time Alicia wonders if she knows this woman at all.
"Next case? What is it?"
"Oh, no, I...I'm done."
"OK. Thanks."
She goes back to her overflowing email inbox, determined to at least make a dent in it before she has to leave. She gets halfway through a reply to Colin Sweeney when she realizes that Kalinda hasn't left the room.
"Kalinda?"
She's standing motionless, one hand on the door handle, the other by her side. She can't see her face.
"Was there something else?"
She remains motionless, frozen in time. A quick burst of frustration runs through her that her time is being wasted, but then a sudden flash of intuition tells her exactly what's coming next.
"You're going with Cary?"
"Yes," says Alicia. "And you?"
She knows the answer. Kalinda's telling her now, standing there. In the tension of her shoulders. In her stillness.
"No."
A thousand reasons why. Not enough money, not enough respect. Too complicated with Cary, who surely loves her; who she surely doesn't love back. Too complicated with the woman whose husband you once fucked.
"Well. I'm sure Will and Diane will be pleased you're staying."
There's no reply. The air is filled with the uneasy tension that's haunted them for months now. Not quite enemies, never quite friends.
"Will I see you?"
The prickle of tears takes her completely by surprise. It's the quiet defeat in Kalinda's voice; the hidden pain. But she can't bring herself to do it...she can't save her, now. Save them. There's too much between them. It was all too much.
"I'm sure we'll see each other around." She tries to make her voice sound as gentle as she can. Kalinda doesn't move. Ten seconds go by; twenty. She feels the tears start to come again.
"I have tried, Kalinda. I have tried." She can hear the tears in her voice now. She hopes, despite herself, that Kalinda can too.
"I know. Thank you."
A few more seconds pass, a few more hours. This is what they've become. She finds that she can't even look at her anymore; a woman as strong as Kalinda, who can't bear to leave her.
Finally, after an eternity, she hears the door open, and when she raises her eyes again Kalinda has gone.
She knows it's the end, now. They both do. She lets herself cry.
Sparkle
As she indulges in her new favorite past-time – standing silently in the background, watching Alicia's blissful smile as she stares at her own left hand – she thinks about her past. What she thought she wanted. Who she thought she was.
What you need, Leela, is the love of a good woman.
Leela would have punched anyone who'd said that.
And Kalinda? Kalinda's not so sure, now. Kalinda thinks that maybe she's been wrong about some things.
What you need, Kalinda, is a divorced, suburban, forty-something mother of two.
Three months' salary, that's what she'd paid. That was the correct amount; she'd looked it up. A substantial amount of money, considering what she earned now, but nothing that she couldn't spare.
And the value of buying expensive things was that they came with expensive service. No disapproving glances, no feeble jokes. As if it was just another purchase that they'd seen a hundred times before. (Maybe it was, now.)
What you need, Kalinda, is to settle down.
So three months' salary, and a good choice, she thought. Classic: not too showy, not too small. Alicia had seemed to agree. Although (once she'd stopped crying, once she'd released Kalinda from the longest hug in history) she'd demanded to know that Kalinda hadn't spent all of her savings.
She hadn't really answered, just said that it was only what was appropriate, and Alicia had still looked at her like she was the most romantic woman in the world. She liked putting that expression on her face. There were a lot of expressions that she liked putting on Alicia's face, these days.
And she's recently found a new favorite. A sentimental, loving, utterly happy expression as she stares at the sparkling diamond ring on the fourth finger of her left hand.
What you need, Kalinda, is a wife.
Sometimes she wonders why she'd been so unaware of what was in her own soul. Sometimes she wonders why she's turned out like everybody else. No different, after all.
Mostly, she doesn't give a damn. Mostly, she just watches Alicia's happiness, and is proud.
The Kalinda Conversation
"You're resigning?"
Alicia bursts into the conference room late on Monday evening, long after the others have gone home. She is furious, eyes blazing, although even in her anger she's still fighting to keep control.
Kalinda is sat on the floor going through a mass of documents from her latest case. She stares at Alicia, surprised. She hadn't been expecting this. Not after a month of icy glares and frozen tension. She'd expected Alicia to let her quietly slink off and lick her wounds.
"Yes," she says. "You saw Will?"
"He said you gave notice today. What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I thought it would be best. I thought...it would be what you wanted."
"You didn't bother to fucking ask me what I wanted, Kalinda Sharma. You haven't bothered to fucking talk to me at all, unless you count your pathethic little apology that took all of twenty seconds."
"I just thought that it would be easier if I was gone."
"Easier for you, you mean! Easier to avoid me and pretend you never met me, you never hurt me! You fucking coward. You can't even look at me now. You were just going to run away, weren't you? Well you know what, you don't get to decide that, Kalinda. Let's go, right now. I want the whole truth, all of it. And don't you fucking dare lie to me."
Kalinda sits stunned. She feels on the edge of tears again, as she has done for so much of the past few months. Her mind is blank, and all she knows is that she wants this to be over.
"Don't know where to start? Well, here, I'll help you. You fucked my husband. Yes or no?"
Miserable, resigned, Kalinda drops the document she'd been holding and stares at the carpet.
"Yes.""Where?"
"A hotel."
"How many times?"
"One time. One night."
"One time, or one night?"
Kalinda can't believe she is asking these questions, that she'd want to put herself through this. But she has to be honest, if that's what Alicia wants, and she knows it. Absolute honesty or she's finished. They're finished. "Both. One time, one night."
"Was it good?"
"Sorry?"
"You're sorry? Was it good? The sex with my husband, did you have a good time? Did you get off?"
Kalinda can't bring herself to raise her eyes, but she feels Alicia's gaze as a laser beam. Staring. Burning. She loses the battle with her tears, and feels them spill down her cheeks. Alicia's stare doesn't falter.
"I don't think you want me to answer that."
"Of course I fucking want you to answer that, Kalinda. That's why I asked." Kalinda physically flinches from the sheer depth of the anger in Alicia's voice. Wishes she were anywhere else but here, in this room full of pain.
She takes a breath, and tries to control her voice. "I...it was...I was lonely, and in trouble, and he was...kind to me. He was half-drunk and he left right after we...No, it wasn't good."
She doesn't know if she's going to survive this intact, if all of Alicia's disgust and disappointment and anger will set up home somewhere inside her and never leave. The word "lonely" reverberates around her head, mocking her. Poor little Kalinda, in her sad little state. Fucking her pain away with someone else's husband. She deserves the disgust. She'll take it all.
"You're not a lesbian?"
"I'm bisexual."
"So you sleep with other people's wives as well as their husbands?"
A sharp sting inside of her. "No."
"Just husbands then? Or just my husband?"
"I've...it had never...happened before. And I never would again."
"How very noble of you. Did you think about his wife at all? Wonder whether she'd mind?"
"I thought that, I don't know. I thought...that it was his problem, not mine. I just...tried not to think about it. About you. The possibility of you."
"You hated me when you met me. That first day, didn't you? You thought I was pathetic for staying with him."
She'd known exactly what Alicia would be like before she'd even met her. A dull, pointless housewife, a weak little woman who couldn't cope without a man. Maybe that's why she'd been so blindsided. Such low expectations, and people didn't usually surprise her.
"I was arrogant about you. I thought you were, just, I don't know. Some...suburban housewife. I was so fucking arrogant about you. I was so fucking wrong." She takes a breath, swipes at some of the tears, draws her knees up to her body. Braces herself for the next blow to fall.
"You're more upset than I thought you'd be."
And Christ, that one hurts. "You're a cold-hearted bitch." That's what she really means, what she'd say if she wasn't so classy.
"You didn't think I'd be upset?"
"There are other jobs, Kalinda. It's not like you're going to be destitute."
Kalinda stares at her. "You think I'm upset about my job?"
"You seemed fine before today."
"I wasn't fine, Alicia, I was...I'm not upset about the stupid job."
"Then what's with the tears? I know we were friends but we weren't exactly close, Kalinda." Another sharp sting.
She's on a cliff edge. The only way down is to jump.
"I'm upset because...because I've hurt you so badly. I never wanted to hurt you, I would have done anything...to not hurt you, to protect you...if I'd known you back then...Alicia..." Just say it, you coward, you stupid fucking coward. "I love you."
And Alicia laughs at her. A short, sarcastic ridicule, and it might well be the most horrifying sound she's ever heard. Something inside of her breaks, and she hides her face in her arms and cries.
Through a fog of pain she hears Alicia open the door and leave, which feels like a relief and a final "fuck you" combined. The sobs keep coming for a few more minutes, and she lets them, helpless and hopeless.
Suddenly the door opens again. She looks up quickly to see who it is, and is shocked to see Alicia again. She's carrying a box of tissues, and she hands one to her without a word.
Kalinda ineffectually wipes her face. Fails to stop crying. Tries to breathe.
"I'm sorry," says Alicia quietly. "The way you've acted lately, I thought that you were...that you didn't even...I shouldn't have reacted like that, you just took me by surprise, that's all. I'm sorry."
Kalinda nods slightly. She's astonished, and somehow not remotely surprised, by Alicia's kindness. It feels heavenly. She's desperate for more and has no idea how to get it.
"When you said...what you just said, did you mean...I mean, as a friend, or..." Alicia trails off. Kalinda takes another tissue, stares miserably at the floor. Opens her mouth to speak.
"You know what," says Alicia gently, "You don't have to answer that one. Don't answer that."
And there's silence. The minutes tick by, three minutes, five. Kalinda waits.
"I don't think you should resign. I'll get your letter back from Will." Alicia's voice is calmer now, gentler, but there's still tension there, and without the fury to carry her along she now sounds just this side of exhausted.
"I...you will?" A surge of excitement races through Kalinda's body, a surge of hope.
"Now isn't the time to be making life-changing decisions, for either of us. We're both hurt. We'll take some time, OK? Just, I don't know, sit with things for a while, see how we feel. Decide how important this friendship is to both of us. Whether it's worth it. But if we're ever going to be anything to each other Kalinda then you need to be honest with me from now on, always, about everything.
"If I ask you something then I expect an honest answer, private person or not. You can't hide whatever's in your past, and you can't just not tell me things and expect me to know what you're thinking. You've never even said that you like me, Kalinda, that you're glad we're friends, let alone that you...you'll have to trust me properly, if I'm going to trust you.
"So you need some time to decide whether that's something you're prepared to do. And I need some time to decide whether I can forgive you. Whether I want to forgive you."
Kalinda nods.
"OK." Alicia exhales a long breath, and runs her hand through her hair. "I'm going home now. I'll see you around."
Alicia is halfway out the door when Kalinda says "Alicia?"
"Yes?"
"I don't need any time to think." Kalinda braves a look at Alicia's face, and she thinks she sees the faintest smile there, a hint of affection. Or maybe that's just her own yearning imagination.
"Right. Then you'll need to wait for me. OK?"
"OK."
"Goodnight, Kalinda."
"Goodnight."
Alicia leaves the room and closes the door. Kalinda sinks back against the wall, crushing her tissue in her hand, replaying the conversation in her head. Hoping. Hoping.
That maybe this time love won't hurt.
All This Time
It starts with Eli. He corners her one day and insists that she needs to persuade Kalinda to work for him again. She asks him what on earth he's talking about, and they spar back and forth for a while, not really getting anywhere, until he blurts out that Kalinda always refuses to work for Peter.
"If she refuses to work for Peter then why was she working for you in the first place?"
"Not for me, for you. She used to do anything for you."
It's such a strange choice of words that it brings her up short.
"Then why has she stopped?"
"She hasn't stopped completely, she's just...well." He looks sheepish. "She knows when it's actually for you, stupid rumors that might affect you, and when it's just for the campaign, when I'm bluffing. So I need you to tell her that this is for you too."
"No. See you later."
She doesn't think much about it at the time, but the phrase sticks in her head. Anything for you. He hadn't meant 'anything', of course. Just a turn of phrase. And obviously she wouldn't work for Peter. Obviously she would work for a friend.
A few weeks pass. Diane commissions Sophia Russo to do some DNA testing and Alicia calls to get the results. They're finishing up when Sophia says, "Tell Kalinda I said hi." She immediately knows that she won't and then wonders why the hell not.
"She's still got a job with me if she changes her mind."
"She...I don't understand. She has a job."
"Yeah, but she was thinking of moving on."
I've found another job. I'll be leaving next week.
"Why didn't she?"
"I...OK, I shouldn't have told you this, I've just realised–"
"Tell me. Sophia? Seriously, tell me."
"She found out that it would involve working at the States Attorney's office. I've got no clue why that would have been a problem, I guess she didn't like the atmosphere or something when she worked there before."
She can hardly have preferred the atmosphere here.
Cary's next. Drunk and a late night at the bar, beaming at her, saying it's great that she's doing so well, that it's great that she's friends with Kalinda again.
"You knew we weren't friends?"
He blushes slightly, fumbles for words. He obviously knows everything, and it's depressing to discover that one more person knows all of her betrayals. And then...
"She was so miserable back then, Alicia. I thought she was gonna cry on my shoulder, real tears, she was that unhappy. And then she hardly spoke to me for months. She only let me back in when you two were good again."
She starts to really think about it then, all of these people and their stories about Kalinda. She starts to think about the secrets that Kalinda keeps.
She seeks Will out after an office party. More drinks, more loosened lips. They talk about their lives. Their colleagues. Alicia casually (not so casually) mentions Kalinda, says that she's been a good friend.
"Yeah", he says. "Kalinda's great. She always wanted us to get together."
"Did she?"
"Mm-hmm. She was the one who told me that you were separated. Seemed pretty keen for me to talk to you."
Kalinda doesn't gossip. Never, ever has she heard her gossip.
"You know she was going to leave Chicago?"
Her blood runs cold. "Why? When?"
"A while back. A few months. Asked me for her wages. She seemed pretty unhappy about something but wouldn't tell me what. Then she stayed, so I figured it was sorted."
She asks him for the date, the exact date. He thinks a while and then gives it to her. She goes straight home and checks her diary and her case files. The day you called her husband. The husband who then called you at home, the husband who found out your name.
Is he dangerous, Kalinda, is he dangerous? She had always meant Will he hurt you? What she had never asked: What is it that you're afraid of? What it is that scares you the most?
Finally, with everything swirling around in her mind, she goes to Peter. Says that this is the very last time they will talk about this, but tell me what you meant by she's blameless in all of this. And he does. And maybe he's not quite right, considering all the facts, but he's certainly close, in his assessment. Certainly close.
And you have been so very far away.
She goes to Kalinda. The usual drinks in their usual bar. Kalinda's so...careful with her these days, as if she's worried that she'll break her. She misses the old Kalinda. She wants her back.
In the middle of a meaningless, awkward conversation about fruit, she blurts: "It wasn't guilt, was it?"
Kalinda blinks at her.
"What wasn't?"
"You. The way you behaved towards me. Before I found out, and then after. None of it was guilt."
Kalinda's silent.
"I don't need a long explanation, Kalinda. But I've been talking to people. Eli and Will and Cary and Sophia– "
"Sophia?" she says. (Definitely not telling her she said 'hi.')
"Yes. And it wasn't guilt, was it?"
Kalinda sits still. She looks down at her drink, and then up again. Alicia holds her gaze.
"No," she says, shifting slightly in her chair. "It wasn't guilt. I told you that before."
"I didn't have all the information, before. I'm not sure I have it all now. In fact, I have a very strong suspicion that I don't, because every new person I talk to tells me something about you that I wish I'd known long before today."
Kalinda stands up abruptly, saying "I really have to–" but Alicia reaches out and takes her hand.
"Sit down. Please. Sit down."
A few moments of internal struggle later and she sits. Alicia doesn't release her hand.
"Is there more?" she asks softly. "If I talked to more people, would there be more?"
Kalinda looks as if she'd rather be anywhere else in the world.
"It's OK, Kalinda. We're OK, I promise. Just this one last question, and then I'll leave it, I promise. Is there more?"
In a voice so quiet she can barely hear her, Kalinda says "Yes."
A heavy burden lifts from her heart. You've been loving me all this time.
"Thank you for telling me." She strokes her thumb over Kalinda's palm, taking a long moment to catch her breath and calm her heart. "Now. On to other important matters. Kiwi fruit and how to eat them. Boiled egg style or slices. Your thoughts?"
A look of pure relief crosses her friend's face and she feels a deep warm wave of affection. I've been loving you all this time.
Kalinda leaves her hand in Alicia's for the rest of the night.