Author's Note: Okay. I'm doing my requests a bit out of order. This is mainly because.. some of them stuck in my head a little more then others.
The Request: I would love to read a hurt Sawyer fic; the worse the better. I am especially interested in seeing Juliet's reaction if it doesn't look like Sawyer's going to make it.
Here you go, sassafras224!!!
Raw:
Love one another,
Live for each other,
Are you friend or foe?
Cause I used to know.
(Friend or Foe by t.A.t.U)
James "Sawyer" Ford or James "Jim" LaFleur. He wasn't sure when he forgot who the former was or how he became the latter, but he remembered when the switch was made. He remembered the last day as Sawyer being the very day he jumped off that helicopter, the day he swam to shore and saw blue eyes drowning with that freighter in the ocean. And he remembered it all right now because those blue eyes were drowning again.. drowning because of him and willing him to just hold on.
Her grip on his hand was like a vice on his wrist and he wasn't sure how she got the strength to hold on so tightly. He still didn't know how in just eight months they could become so dependent on the other when not so long ago they were enemies. He could only stare into those eyes, those damned blue eyes that only ever saw him as James, no more and no less. Normally when he looked into those eyes, it was like trying to search the depths of the ocean for a hidden wreckage. But looking into them now, he could see everything so clearly.. the pain, the fear, the worry.
For just a moment his judgment lapsed because he never recalled seeing so much raw emotion in her face, in her eyes. She had a wall that she had so carefully built around herself to keep out others that could hurt her. A wall she built because of people like Ben and Jack, people who saw her as a means of usage rather then as a human who had feelings too. Three times he saw true emotion on her face before this moment, three times in almost a year. Yes.. the wall that she had built to keep people out had barely crumbled, and she only built it higher when they began their stay in the Dharma Initiative.
The first time he saw that real, true emotion was the day he left "Sawyer" and became the person she calls James. As she sat on the beach watching the freighter go down. The second was during their time travel, when she had nearly had her arm cut off by 'the Others'. And the third time was as they sat on that pier in 1974, the day he asked her to stay for two weeks. Two weeks that had miraculously become eight months, eight months that he'd never asked her for, but thanked her for all the time.
Now he wondered if this fourth time would be the last time he ever saw the dam in those blue eyes fill, and begin to burst. And he realized that those other three times were nothing compared to what he saw in them right now. And suddenly it hit him, he didn't even remember how he had wound up dangling from a cliff over a rocky filled ocean and only left hanging because she wasn't letting him go.
Juliet could only look down into his eyes and know that she couldn't hold onto him forever. That the choices were either let go or go down that gorge with him because she didn't have the strength it took to pull up his weight. But the former was a choice she would never be able to live with and the latter was a choice that would ultimately lead to no longer being alive. The way she saw it, it was a lose-lose situation, and letting go would never be an option.
"James.." she managed to get out in a whisper. This wasn't how everything was suppose to go. This was the exact opposite of the way things were supposed to go. He was the only person she had left on this island, the only person she felt comfortable with. And she knew it was purely selfish of her, to want to save him because she needed him. But she could hear people coming, she could hear Horace, Miles and even Jin on the radio in the jeep, saying they could see on the monitors and they were coming, they were almost there.
"Just two minutes," Juliet told him, feeling a tear drop and watching it drop towards the waves crashing over rocks before them. "You hold on for just two minutes.. you don't let go.."
Sawyer stared at her. The tears, they were new to him. Never before had Juliet cried in front of him, and he didn't deny that he heard her sometimes late at night. He didn't deny knowing that she could cry, that she did cry, but seeing was believing.. and even then he felt himself slip a little in her grasp. "You can't," he told her, shaking his head. "Let go!"
"No," Juliet yelled at him. "Please, James.." she choked out. "I can't lose you, I can't.." she barely got out. They were on a slope, and she could already feel her knees slipping slowly towards the edge, and she realized he wanted her to let go to save herself. But she couldn't do that. She wasn't sure if she saw or heard first, but she watched a few rocks and pebbles come tumbling passed her and fall over the edge. When she turned to look, thinking help had come her eyes widened. The jeep wasn't secure, and it was starting to roll towards them.
Sawyer heard the noise. The wheels were squealing, the rocks were falling and he could see in Juliet's eyes that it was bad. He knew what it was. "Damn it!! JULIET!!" he yelled, trying to loosen her grip on his wrist but instead she grabbed on with both hands. "Let go!! Let GO!!"
She shook her head, tightening the grip she had on his wrist. "I can't, I can't.." she cried out. "Don't, James.. don't!" she screamed at him as he started slipping his hand from hers. "Please! Please don't let go!!"
"JULIET!! MOVE!" came a scream from Horace. He couldn't believe what he was seeing, what he had already seen on the monitors. He remembered seeing them trying to pull the jeep up with one of the vans, and he remembered seeing LaFleur slip down the slope only to be saved because Juliet had jumped and caught his hand. He'd watched both of them sliding, watched LaFleur go over, but Juliet had managed to dig her knees into the ground and hold onto him.
And when Sawyer let go of her hand, finally managed to free himself, he felt himself falling and it felt like forever. It felt like it was never ending as he stared up and watched Juliet screaming down, nearly bowling herself over the edge too until Jin and Miles pulled her away kicking and screaming. And after that it just went black.
"JAMES!" she screamed, nearly tipping herself over the side trying to grasp his hand as he slipped free from her. "No! No! NO!!!" she yelled, even as two pairs of arms wrapped around her and pulled her away from the ledge. Even as Horace managed to stop the jeep from following Sawyer down. "Let go!! Let go of me!!" she growled out at the two men, trying to break free from their arms and run back to the ledge.
"Juliet," Horace said quietly, gaining a grip on her shoulders to stop her. "Juliet, stop.. calm down!"
Juliet shook her head, trying to get away from all three men now. "I can't.. I can't.. he can't.."
Jin turned her around to face him, pulling her into an embrace and not letting go even as he dropped to the ground with her. He had his grip on English down well now, and it was mostly thanks to Sawyer and Juliet that he did. He'd watched the two form a bond that seemed nearly unbreakable even when they were at the end of the ropes with each other. "It's okay.. it's okay.." he told her, unnerved by her tears and how broken she seemed.
"I.. he let go.." Juliet cried out, her hands gripping Jin's Dharma uniform so tightly that her knuckles were turning white. "I couldn't.. I.. oh god.."
The anguish made Jin all the more aware of how human Juliet really was. For a long time he'd never seen any real emotion from her, but regardless he held his opinion of her high because it was her who got Sun onto that freighter. It was Juliet who put Sun onto the zodiac, and therefore it was Juliet who had saved his wife and child. And he didn't know how long he sat there holding her, with Miles and Horace nearby on the radio trying to get information from Jerry and Phil. He didn't know, but it felt like an eternity.
"It's my fault.." Juliet stated, her voice filled with dread and defeat. "I couldn't hold onto him.. I couldn't pull him up."
Jin shook his head. "No.. not your fault," he told her instantly, tightening his embrace around her. "You tried to save, Juliet.. you tried."
Juliet felt more tears break through the carefully erected wall. She had built that wall around her feelings for reasons such as this. She had built it, kept it held high, and yet Sawyer had broken his way through it day after day. She didn't know how, or even why, but he wanted and he succeeded in getting on the inside of her walls. And now she had lost him, and the loss was worse then she ever imagined because she was the one who could have saved him.
"He's gone, Jin.. he's.. and its, it's all my fault.."
Horace watched and even though he wanted to do or say something to her, he couldn't think of the words to do it. He couldn't because he didn't know how to deal with the situation at all. These people had started out as temporary guests, but instead they became family and friends. And one of them was now gone.
"Trying wasn't good enough!!" Juliet screamed, trying to fight her way out of Jin's embrace. "Trying doesn't bring him back!! It doesn't make it better.. it doesn't.. it just.."
Jin scrambled to keep his hold on her and he just barely managed to pull her back in his arms. "You stop. Stop. It's not your fault.." he told her. It was hard to keep his voice steady, because Sawyer was his friend too. But Miles didn't seem to know what to do or say, and Horace looked the same. He was the only one who could do anything.
"I.. I can't.. Jin.." she mumbled, burying her head into his shoulder. "I didn't even tell him.. I should have told him.."
Jin frowned. He wasn't sure what she should have told him, what she was talking about at all. Half of her words were rushed and her voice was breaking.
"Oh god.." she mumbled again, shaking her head. "I was suppose to watch his back.. me.. I just.. I let him down.."
Miles couldn't recall a single moment where Juliet sounded vaguely illiterate, but right now everything she said was broken, as though she would finish the sentence in her mind but not allowed and simply start another one. How Jin understood what she was trying to say was beyond his comprehension, but he understood her pain. If it had been him that couldn't hold on, or Jin, they would be distraught too.
"Horace! Horace come in! We found LaFleur!"
Horace turned and snatched the radio from the van.
"He's alive! Missed the rocks, it's a miracle! We're heading to the infirmary."
Horace sucked in a breath of relief. "We'll meet you there," he answered immediately. He turned and looked at Juliet who was looking at him with such hope it nearly tore him apart. He knelt down by her and Jin. "He's alright," he told her quickly. Apparently they were the words she wanted, and he was shocked when she pulled away from Jin and coiled her arms around him. It was a whole new side to the blonde bombshell that he'd never seen. And he admitted, he never wanted to see it again.
"Jin, drive Juliet back," he told the other man. "Miles, me and you will tow the jeep, got it?"
Miles nodded soundlessly.
Jin pulled Juliet to her feet and ushered her into the passenger's seat of the van he, Horace and Miles had ridden over in. And he didn't hesitate to speed back to the barracks. The silence was unnerving, only broken by Juliet trying to recompose herself, which she was failing to do. Finally he couldn't stop himself from asking. "What did you mean.. when you said you didn't tell him?"
Juliet froze in the passenger's seat. She glanced out the window. "Nothing.."
Jin arched an eyebrow up in response. "You should tell him.. when you see him."
Juliet turned to look at him. She remained silence in response and the rest of their drive was filled with silence. And when they finally stopped in front of the infirmary she found herself unable to get out.
"You are.. okay?" Jin questioned, eying her with confusion.
Juliet shook her head, already feeling the next wave of emotions flood her. "He.. what if he hates me?" she asked quietly.
Jin frowned. "Why would he hate you?"
Juliet leaned her forehead on the window of the van and closed her eyes. "He always hated me, Jin.." she explained. "Come on.. it's stupid for me to think eight months would change that.."
Jin narrowed his eyes in confusion.
"I should have gotten on that sub.." she admitted. "Everything would be fine if I just got on that sub.."
Jin sucked back a sigh. "He does not hate you.. go inside. You'll see."
Juliet opened her eyes and frowned at him. She didn't agree at all, but she opened the door of the van and headed inside the infirmary. She glanced at him laying on the bed through the open doorway and found herself glued to place where she was. The island's doctor was already looking him over and she watched as Jerry came over towards her. "How is he..?" she finally managed to ask.
"The doctor says nothings broken.. sheer miracle right there, a few bumps and bruises, a slight concussion.." Jerry admitted. "But he'll be alright."
Juliet nodded and remained silent.
"He kept mumbling that he 'wanted to tell her something'," he stated. "Maybe you should see what he wants to tell you.."
Juliet shook her head. "I don't.. he doesn't want to talk to me."
Jerry frowned. "He said.."
"You told me what he said," Juliet snapped. "I heard you."
Jerry just nodded and stepped out of the infirmary.
Juliet sighed and sat down on one of the chairs. It wasn't fair to be taking things out on Jerry, but she couldn't even seem to stop herself. This was why she didn't let people in, this was why she tried to keep everyone out. People didn't stay forever, and she couldn't stand losing them. Still, she couldn't will herself to move from her spot on the chair in the infirmary.
She watched the doctor in silence as he left the room and she stayed for an hour without moving because he was still out cold in the bed. It was after an hour when she heard him grumbling from the bed and she'd run a million scenarios through her head on what she could say to him. All of which escaped her suddenly.
"Juliet?" Sawyer mumbled. It took him a moment to get oriented now that he was up. That last thing he remembered was staring at her screaming on the ledge of that cliff and nearly falling down after him in her attempts to get a grip on him again. He'd noticed her a minute ago but he was taking the time to realize he wasn't dead before he spoke.
Juliet stared at him from across the room and still she found she couldn't will her legs to move her over to him.
Sawyer watched the conflicting emotions on her face and he frowned. Her eyes were red and slightly puffy and she looked downright exhausted. He knew immediately that she must have been sitting there for a while already. "C'mere.."
Juliet found her legs doing as he asked and she stood, heading over to him on the bed and taking a seat on the edge of it. "I.." she tried, but the words just wouldn't form. She had no idea what to say to him at this point.
Sawyer felt his eyes soften in response and he sat up slowly. Once he managed to sit up he didn't hesitate to pull her towards him in a tight embrace, and it wasn't long before he felt her shaking. "I couldn't take you down with me.." he told her.
"You could have died.." she choked out.
"Juliet.."
"You could have died, James.. and it would have been my fault," she told him, feeling the tears escape again. "If I lose you I don't have anybody.. I can't lose you.."
Sawyer stared at her in shock as she pulled away and looked him straight in the eye. "What are yuh--"
"I think.." Juliet muttered.
Sawyer narrowed his eyes. She had mumbled something under her breath and now she was getting up and trying to walk away. He swore he heard it, but he couldn't let her walk about without getting her to repeat it for clarity. "What did you just say?" he asked quickly, lightly grabbing onto her hand with his.
Juliet glanced at him and shook her head. "Nothing.."
"That wasn't nothin'," he told her. "I want to know if I heard you right.."
Juliet shook her head and tried to tug her hand back from his.
"Damn it, Juliet.." he grunted out. "I care about ya', but you make it hard when you keep pulling away from me like this."
Juliet hesitated, pausing from her attempt at escape. "I said.. I think that I'm.. that I.."
Sawyer watched her intently. He sighed when she stopped and didn't finish the statement and simply sat back down on the edge of his bed.
Juliet couldn't speak the words. She didn't know why, because she knew how she felt. But there was a difference between feeling and voicing those feelings out loud to somebody. She almost leaned back when he inched his face directly in front of her but she remained glued to where she was. She felt her breath hitch slightly when his lips hovered directly over hers, so she moved that last centimeter and closed the gap.
Sawyer didn't know when he'd started loving Juliet. Or when he stopped loving her and fell in love with her, but it was definitely something new for him. He'd decided he loved her about four or so months in when she'd been in the motor pool, and she turned to look at him with a huge grin and giant grease stains all over her face. He never said so, but then again.. he'd never let her know at all that he even thought of her as more then just a friend.
But in love was a new concept for him. And it all started when he felt her grab his hand, when he stared into the depths of the ocean in her eyes and saw the torture behind them. When she tried so hard to save him even at the risk of nearly killing herself to do so. And the kiss, was practically a torture all in itself. Because unlike with anyone else it wasn't rough and crazed, it was gentle and soft.
And when she pulled away and stared at him with slight uncertainty he knew she might not be ready for the exact words, and that might be why she'd been unable to say them herself when he could tell that she was feeling the same way. But he could at least say something to let her know he understood. "Yeah.." he said quietly. "I feel the same.."
Juliet's eyes softened and little and she simply wrapped her arms around him, burying her head in his neck. He would of course, know what was going on inside of her head even when she didn't quite understand it herself. And she supposed that was why she let him inside the walls while she kept everyone else outside. Because he accepted the fact she didn't understand her own emotions, probably because he didn't quite understand his own either. "Don't leave me alone here.."
"I won't.." Sawyer promised, wrapping his arms around her too. "Long as you promise me one thing.."
Juliet nodded.
"Don't you leave me either.."
"I promise.." she stated quietly.
()()END()()
A little foreshadowing of the finale throughout this whole thing I suppose. All dark and dreary, with a tad of fluff mixed in between. Hahaha. Well, hope it was good, sassafras!