When Meredith drove home she was utterly exhausted. She had spent hours in the OR and after that had made so many stitches in the pit her palms felt numb and her fingertips hurt. She had been sad. It had been a man she and doctor Bailey had operated on. He was 34, happily married and had seven children. Image that! Seven children. He had been hit by a car as well as his son. They had to operate him and they couldn't save them. Bailey didn't save him. Meredith didn't save him. And the son? No, he had not survived either. The mother had been devastated. She was left alone with six kids. Her son had died and her husband too.
Meredith was not even able to imagine such an amount of mental pain. „I guess my family is destroyed", the wife had told Meredith before she had collapsed and cried, all of her six children watching her. Watching their mom fall apart. Eventually all of them were crying and Meredith hadn't been able to bear it anymore.
She went to her resident who'd told her to go to the pit. And so she had done stitches and stitches...and stitches, all the while pulling herself together and doing everything to try to prevent her facade to break and to start crying herself. Over the cruelty of the world, over everything.
She just felt the need to cry now. She wanted to do nothing more than cry. She didn't want to sleep, to eat, to shower, to pee, to have sex; she didn't even want her husband right now. He would ask her what was wrong and try to get her to talk to him.
Of course, she was always open to her husband. He always worried when something was wrong with his wife and vice versa. But today she didn't want to talk. She wanted to curl up on their couch and cry. Cry until she felt better, until she was close to dehydration and her eyes were red, puffy and burning. She would feel worse physically but she would feel better mentally. Maybe. She didn't really know that, she just assumed it because it was all that was in her mind right now. Her brain said: Couch, crying, being miserable.
She didn't even understand why she wanted to so badly. She was happy with her life. She loved Derek they had married, built a house that had furniture including the precoius couch that swayed in Meredith's mind and they were talking about kids. Maybe the whole having children issue was getting to her, but no that couldn't be it. They had talked about it so many times. Meredith was reassured she would make a great mother. They were even already trying. They had been trying for about three weeks already.
Maybe it was that. Maybe she was already pregnant. Meredith's belly rippled in excitement and also anxiety at the thought. She couldn't be pregnant already, although it would explain why she was so emotionally. She deciced she would take a test when she was home. She would wait for Derek. He had still been in surgery when she left and he probably wouldn't be home for another three hours. It was already eight o'clock.
Meredith pulled intot he driveway and parked her car in the garage. When she entered the house the need to cry was still there.
Finally she gave in and the first tears ran down her face in a steady stream. She dropped her purse and her keys somewhere on the small table beside the drawer. She took off her shoes and slid out of her coat, recklessy letting them fall to the floor. She didn't give them another thought as she walked into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. She loved the couch. It was comfortable. She faced the back rest and drew her knees up to her chest. Her left hand wandered under her cheek while her right hand rested on the small space between the back rest and Meredith's stomach.
She let her body shake as sobs poured out of her mouth. The tears fell hard. The made her face wet, same as the couch and her bra and her breasts as they trailed down her neck, reaching their destination when they reached her chest which was hidden under one of her sweaters.
And suddenly despite everything she had wanted and thought earlier she needed her husband. She still didn't want him to ask her what was wrong and demand that she talked to him. Instead she wanted him to hold her, to whisper comforting words to her while he soothed her.
But that wouldn't happen. He was in surgery which for one meant he didn't know what had happened to Meredith since she hadn't had any time to tell him yet which again meant he would definitely ask her what was wrong, and secondly meant that he wasn't going to come home soon and be able to comfort her. So neither of her desires would be fulfilled which made her even more miserable.
„Derek...", she cried, though nobody could hear her. „Please come home."
But he didn't come home for the next three hours and she didn't stop crying for the next three hours. Her sobs had quieted down to hiccups because she had no energy left to really sob and the tears were not as much as before. Her throat felt dry and burned. She was thirsty but couldn't bring herself to get up and get water. Her eyes were red and they too were starting to burn. Her left hand was stiff from lying under her cheek and she had a headache by now from all the crying.
Earlier it had only been mental pain but now you had to add physical pain And yes, unfortunately her mental pain still existed, only having faded a little.
She lay on the couch in misery until the front door opened and her husband stepped into their house. Meredith listened to him shuffling around before he entered the living room.
„Mer? Honey, I'm home", he said. Then he saw her lying on the couch and at first thought she was asleep since her back was facing him. But he learned better when he heard small hiccups coming from her.
He frowned as he walked towards the couch and scooted down at her level. Raising his hand he stroked her hair gently and asked. „Everything okay, sweetheart?" She didn't anwer. „Look at me", he ordered in a firm yet soft voice. He only recieved a shake from her head. Derek sighed and grabbed her shoulder. He rolled her over onto her back and she made no move to pretest. The hand which had been under her cheek fell to her side and she felt the blood slowly return into it. She carefully straightened out her legs after they had been drawn up to her chest for over three hours. She grimaced in pain which didn't go unnoticed by Derek.
„Meredith, what's going on? You've been crying", he observed easily. He gently touched her cheek. It felt cold and wet and clammy. „I..I'm-", she was interrupted by her own coughs.
Derek looked at her concerned. Meredith clutched her head with her right hand. „Water", she croaked. Derek nodded. „I'll be right back", he said and disappeared into the kitchen. He returned only a few seconds later with a glass of water. He handed it to her and she drank all of it hastily.
„Oh god", she mumbled. „I've been waiting for you", she admitted, turning her head to meet his gaze. „And I've been crying, yes. Ever since I came home", she said quietly.
„You have been lying her, crying for three hours, honey?", Derek asked shocked as he took the glass and set it down on the table. Meredith nodded. „Oh, Meredith. I'm so sorry. If I had known I would have come home earlier", he said. He took her hand in his and kissed it.
„I know", was all she gave as a response. „I've just been upset and I don't know why. I just...I felt like crying and now my head is pouding and my eyes are burning", she said as she squeezed her eyes shut for a brief moment. Derek's heart ached for her. „You felt like crying?", he asked gently, sounding confused.
„Hold me please", she begged instead of giving a real response to his question. „Oh, honey. Of course", he said. He climbed onto the couch beside her. They both barely fit on it together, squeezed together as Derek hugged her tighty from behind. His arm was around her stomach, stroking it as he waited for her to speak.
„There was this patient, Der. A 34 year old man. He and his son had been in a car accident and they both died. We couldn't save them. I scrubbed in with Bailey and we operated on the father but he didn't make it. And the son didn't eiter", she told him sadly.
„I'm sorry", Derek told her gently, his face hidden in her shoulder.
„And he had six other kids. Six kids and a wife. And now that woman has lost a son and her husband and has to raise six kids alone. How will she do that? She told me that now her family was destroyed. It was so sad. The whole family cried", she paused. „And I just...it is so unfair", she mumbled as she cuddled further into his front. She needed his comfort.
„I'm sorry, Meredith", Derek said. It was all he could say. „That's the hard part of being a doctor", he told her gently. He was a little confused, he had to admit. She was a doctor. She was dealing with such cases very often. She was used to it and, sure, it was always sad when a patient with a family died but Meredith usually didn't react so emotionly as crying for three hours.
„Is that all that bothers you?", he asked wondering. He was surprised when she nodded.
„I don't know why this is getting to me so much. I think...maybe...", she hesitated and turned in his arms. She almost send him to the floor by this but he stood up before he could fall and helped Meredith up also. They lowered themeselves onto the couch again but this time they were sitting.
He wrapped his arm around her and she interwined her fingers with his. „What do you think, pretty girl?", he asked, brushing some of her disheveled hair out of her face. Meredith almost had to laugh. She probably looked horrible.
„I think maybe the reason why I am so emotional is that I'm...I might be...pregnant", she said in a quiet voice, looking away from him. „I know, it's stupid to think. We've only been trying for a few weeks, but-"
„Meredith", Derek cut her off. He lifted up her chin with one hand to make her look at him. „It's not stupid to think like that. You could be", he said, grinning suddenly at the thought.
„Don't get your hopes up", Meredith warned him smartly. Derek ignored her comment and kissed her fiercely. „Derek", she protested against his lips. „I have a headache and I feel like crap. I'm not in the mood for joy", she said and pulled away.
„I think you are pregnant", Derek said, still smiling.
„Why?"
„Because you're having mood swings", he told her, pulling her up.
„Derek", Meredith whined.
„Come on", Derek said, dragging her out of the living room, up the stairs and into the bathroom. He opened a closet and took out one of the pregnancy tests they had already bought.
„Here, take the test", he said, handing it to her. „You really think I'm pregnant?", Meredith asked unsurely. He could detect hope in her voice.
„I do", he nodded reassuringly.
„Okay", Meredith said nervously as she pulled down her pants. „Uh...are you gonna stay in here?", Meredith asked with raised eybrows.
„Oh, I can go and wait outside if you want me to", he said, still grinning of course.
„No, no. Forget it. It's fine", she mumbled as she opened the box and took out the test. Just now she realized that she actually did have to pee. So she quickly pulled down her panties and sat down on the toilet. She peed on the stick for a few seconds before relieving her bladder entirely.
„Did have to pee, eh?", Derek asked jokingly when she finished and wiped herself. „Very funny", Meredith replied wryly, rolling her eyes. „Hold this", she said, handing him the stick while she pulled up her underwear and her jeans. She washed her hands and turned to Derek. „So, we have to wait three minutes", she said.
„Hmm, I love you", Derek said, leaning in to kiss her lips.
„I love you, too", Meredith smiled and then yawned. „We'll go to bed after this, right?", she asked hopefully.
Derek laughed. „Sure", he smiled. Another two minutes passed and Meredith nervously looked at him. „Look", she said. He sighed and lowered his gaze onto the test.
Then a big smile covered his face. „Meredith, you're pregnant!", he exclaimed, holding up the stick. Meredith took it and looked at it astonished. She was pregnant. She flung her arms around Derek and hugged him tightly.
She pulled back slightly to meet his eyes. „We're going to have a baby", Derek said in amazement. His hands touched her stomach which was still flat. „I know", Meredith said, happy tears running down both of their faces.