Regret
Part 1: The Mad King of Britannia
Have you ever been asleep and not want to wake up. You realize that no dream could be as bad as the nightmare around you. In a dream, you can see loved ones that are lost. You can live impossible fantasies. For me, I'm with the women I love. Some people hate falling asleep because they may not wake up. For me waking up means I'll never sleep again. When I wake, I'll be lead to my death. Not a death, but a sacrifice. My life for the joy of others. So I sleep, and hope for one last dream. One last fantasy. One last chance to be with her.
I awake to the cold night. The moons light illuminating my empty room. Looking at the ceiling, I wish to see the moon one last time. So I slide out of bed and walk to the balcony opening the doors allowing myself to be swallowed up by the night. A breeze wraps around my skin sending a rush through my body. No sleep for the damned. I pull a cigarette out of the pocket of my robe. I wasn't one to mess with substances, but I found that a cigarette helped ease the nerves, and what could be more chilling then death around the corner. Grabbing the lighter I left on the balconies edge, I light it and take a deep breath. A cloud of smoke fades into the sky as I exhale. For the past few days all I've been able to think about is her. Kallen. An emptiness builds inside my chest and I take another hit. Exhaling, more thoughts come back to my mind. Not just thoughts, but regrets. All the things I wish I could tell her but will never have the chance to say.
The chime of the clocktower breaks me from my thoughts. Two chimes. It's 2:00. In a few hours I will be dead. Usually time feels slow when your alone, but for me it's faster. Time is slipping by me, to fast to grasp. The sky is beautiful. A few stars peak out and I can't help but to grin. Such a childish thing, looking at stars. Flashbacks from the fireworks at Ashford Academy come to mind. My friends. They all think I'm a monster. I toss my cigarette and lighter. That was my last smoke.
I return to my room and see my gun sitting on the table and I'm tempted to just end it right here. But the thought passes as quick as it entered. If I did that now all the bloodshed would have been for nothing. Me and my knights pain, for nothing. A saying comes to my mind. The pen is mightier than the sword. Thats when it hits me. My legacy will be written in the ages of history as the mad king. And thats fine by me, except their is someone I want to know who I really am. Or at least a peace of the real me. Sitting at my desk I grab a pen and start writing. Garbage, I crumple it and throw it away. I try again with the same results. It's funny, I've succeeded in my plan this far by using my words and mind, but now when the time really counts I can't think of how to explain the way I feel.
Leaning against the cold chair I think about different memories I had of her. It seems like a lifetime ago that I had fallen into that truck, and into her life. Kallen, of the rebellion. At first I couldn't figure out who she was. When I saw her again at school, I was shocked. What I had seen was her persona. She gave the appearance of a weak frail girl, but I remembered the fire in her eyes from earlier. The eyes of a fighter. I think it was then that I was entranced by her.
Over the next few months I began to know her. She was my pier, my ace, my friend, soon she became more. She was the woman I loved. We shared a lot of memories. Some embarrassing like when I accidentally walked in the bathroom to leave a change of cloths. Of course I do remember her being a little hostile as she accused me of being Zero, but as she slipped into view I saw her in her whole form. Instead of lust I felt awe. I was in the presence of a goddess. Although I'd never admit it, I cherish that memory and others.
When I had lost all hope she brought me back to reality. On the verge of breaking, I thought to take Refrain to forget my worries at the cost of who I was. In the moment it seemed better than accepting all the pain, and sin I had caused. She wouldn't let me. She slapped me back to reality. It wasn't the hit as much as the way she talked about how I saw her. To her, she only saw herself as a pawn in my game of revenge. Thats when I realized that I had hurt her, again. It wasn't the first time, or the last.
I'll never forget the look she had when she learned who I was. Everything she knew was a lie. A lie I had created. I lost everything that day. My fight, my friend, my family, and her. She never looked at me the same again. Always alert, afraid I'd control her against her will. She had every right to think so. But, it hurt.
Slamming my head on the desk I emerge back into my grim reality. The reality of mistakes I've made. A reality stained by my sin. It's almost to much to bare. Feeling a tear build up I wipe it away. Looking up into my reflection I see a human looking back. Something I hadn't seen in a while. In that split moment, I straighten myself. Your not allowed to be weak I tell myself. You owe it to them... and to her.
A hint of blue catches my eye. The sun is starting to rise and I am getting nowhere. In just a view hours I will be dead. It's too late to sleep. The hours are going by faster and faster. Without noticing it is 6:30 AM. I curse and get up deciding to take a shower.
I stand there and let the hot water drip down my body. The water feels like it is burning my flesh but I ignore the pain. Leaning my head on the wall my mind goes blank for a minute and I start to doze off. With my eyes closed I see Kallen standing in front of me and the event is switched. She walks in through the door and laughs "you do know I can see you right."
With that I fall backwards and hit the cold wall behind me. "Kallen" I scream reaching out my hand hoping she is there. It was just a dream. Pressing my head against the wall my tears mix with the water streaming down me. "Why am I cursed with this burden" I say to myself. "Please Kallen I need you." Standing up I scream my fist connects with the wall. A shock rushes up my hand and I yelp with pain. Switching off the water I get out and dry myself.
Covered by a towel I get out of the bathroom and walk to the wardrobe across my room. I put on the white suit and robe I've had prepared for this day. The robe has gold slivering around it with a red jewel near the neckline. Staring at the blank paper on my desk I sigh. What happens now? I hear the tick of the clock and it drives me insane. It strikes 8:00 AM and a servant girl walks in saying "It's almost time to go sir."
"Fine" I mutter. She leaves. Not having much time left I decide to write what I can. I open a drawer and see a stack of pictures. The first one is with the whole student council when president was graduating. There's one with Suzacu and his cat Arthur. I look through them for a couple of minutes and laugh. Each one brings back a precious memory of me. The real me. Not the Emperor, not Zero, but Lelouch. When I look more closely I notice something odd. I look happy. My purple eyes look settled and I seem relaxed. Deciding that it is the best I can do I slide it in an envelope and look down at the piece of paper.
Before I start writing a guard walks in saying "Sir the escort is outside waiting for you."
"I'll be there when I'm ready now get out before I decide to have you executed." My eyes beam in hatred.
He kneels on one knee saying "please forgive me sir" with that he quickly leaves the room.
The pen in my hand is heavy and I feel like I can't do this. It's now or never. I touch it to the top of the page and start writing
I'm no sure how long it took me to write, or whether or not I wrote enough. The words on the page echo the song of my heart. As I seal the letter I call a maid to my room. Using my geass on her I give my instructions and she takes the letter away.
As I prepare for my last stand I look at myself in the mirror not able to recognize the man in front of me. Straightening my cloak I look toward the door. Time to atone for my sins. I walk towards death's embrace.
My last moments have arrived. We go through the streets I follow behind the black knights on my throne. I give a more evil persona today. I can barely look at Kallen without giving away my act. We march through the streets and the crowd is calm, fearing that if they speak or give any anger I will slaughter them. Though they don't say anything, I see anger and hatred in their eyes. Perfect.
Nunally is on the bottom of my throne. She's in a red dress and hunched over in sadness. Looking down I still see the helpless blind little girl who was in a wheelchair. Nunally, I hope you find the young man of your dreams. That he will take care of you. I know I haven't been the brother you deserve but soon I hope you will understand my intentions.
I try not to cry but a tear comes down. Oh no. I laugh menacingly to seem like the tear was from laughing.
With each street we take my chest gets heavier. Time seems to move slowly. All my knights are discouraged. I'm sorry my friends. Sorry for the pain I caused you. Sorry for making reckless sacrifices. Sorry for pretending to be your leader. But for what it's worth, I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather lead.
My inner conscious is screaming in rage. What have I had to sacrifice so others could live on in peace. My family, my friends, Shirley, C2, the Black Knights, myself, but most of all Kallen. Why me. Though I have a straight face I am having my own inner war. I always wanted to destroy Britannia no matter what. Now that I have, I realize the consequences of my request. What peace truly costs. Was it worth it?
I'm tempted to use Geass and run but I stay. This is my last stand. No matter what, I have to finish this.
I have finished everything that must be done. Using Geass I sent the young maid I saw earlier to take the letter to Kallen's house and to wait until she got there to retrieve it.
Reflecting on the morning events I grin.
The street comes up and I take a breath before we cross. There are crowds of people on both sides of the street. Most angry. We approach and then someone appears from the crowd. He is wearing a black oval shaped helmet with blue glass. A black cape with red fabric on the inside blows in the wind. He emerges from the crowd. It was Zero.
A mix of emotions go through me. Fear, happiness, sadness, but most of all relief. I will be free of my burden, Kallen will be free and everyone will be safe. Though I have to react totally shocked I am glad that it will end like this. I sadly won't be with Kallen but she will be able to move on with life. Suzaku I think. Then I smile. I'm ready.
Suzaku dressed as zero charges at me. The crowd around me grows silent. I have to act surprised and I can tell by the faces of the black knights that they are confused as well.
In my last moments I put my hand to my gun and draw it. Right on time Suzaku's sword whacks it away. I take a breath of victory as the last stage of my plan finally comes into play. Pulling his sword back he thrusts it through me.
It is shockingly painful. I spit blood from my mouth and lean into him as I whisper my final words.
The words that come out are a blur to me. I remember bearing the curse upon him to make him immortal and to be the permanent sign of the rebellion giving up any personal relationships. When I finish it I say, "Do you except."
"I except" he says sadness filling his voice and I hear him crying quietly to himself. Knowing him tears are coming down his face but he won't admit it.
"I'm sorry Suzaku." He was my best friend and I know that this is harder on him than me. He hates killing anyone friend or foe. Here I was telling him to kill me. "Thank you".
He pulls out his sword and steps aside and I fall down the ramp next to Nunally. "Lelouch" Nunally cries grabbing my hand. Using geass I am able to show her the past events that have happened. Me and Suzaku's plan to bring peace to the world. It makes me happy knowing that she will know the truth and my true intentions. I hope she will remember me as her brother Lelouch and not as a cold blooded murderer. I am not the brother you deserve but know that everything that I have done was for you.
I take one more look at her. Her long blonde hair is blowing in the wind. Her big eyes stare at me. I try to smile. "Goodbye Nunally."
Tilting my head to the side I see Kallen.
She is shocked but our eyes meet. "I love you Kallen" I mutter under my breath. After that she try's to break free pulling anxiously at what binds her. I smile and with one last burst of energy I say "goodbye my friends."
As I lay there I reflect on my life. Mother died when we were young. I met Suzaku. C2 gave me my geass power. Then I made the Black Knights. I Regret never giving them my thanks. They stood at my side and I used them like pawns in a game that I had already lost. When Nunally was involved I threw them to the dogs. Many died at my expense. My heart is full with regret. Never had I told Kallen I loved her. Never had I been a good friend. Not to the student council, not to C2, not even to Suzacu.
Regret. The cold filling consumes me piercing me like a knife. Please forgive me my friends. I'm sorry Nunally, but you'll have to live your life without me. Thank you Kallen for reminding me what life is really about and in the process you got me to fall in love with you.
The kiss we shared when I went to assemble with the United Federation of Nations. You kissed me and wanted to know what you meant to me. I regret not kissing you back and not telling you what you meant to me. I would give anything I had to change that event. Trying to push myself up to look at you one more time I fail but I imagine your face and as I fade away I smile. At that moment only two things were clear. I was dead, and I was happy.
Epilogue: Dream of a hero
"Lulu, you shouldn't be sleeping on the ground." A finger pokes my head and I open my eyes to find Shirley. She gives me the same scowl she gives, when I gamble. Her face is full of life. Before I say anything Rivalz stretches out his hand. "Come on buddy, get up we're gonna be late." He pulls me up with surprising force. Did he hit the gym?
"Brother!" I turn to see Nunnally being pushed by Rolo. As they get closer, I squat down and brush Nunnaly's hair to the side. To my surprise she opens her eyes. She looks at me then smiles "I always knew the first thing I'd see again was my brother." She pulls me into a hug. She's stronger, full of purpose and hope. But most of all, Love. "Thank you big bro," she whispers. Looking up I see Rolo and I embrace him.
"Whats with you," he says giggling.
"Just happy to see my brother." I step back and watch as he wipes a tear away.
"Me too big brother."
Someone tackles me from behind. A groan escapes my mouth. Rolling over I see Milly on top of me. Her smile is as big as I remember. "You should really get off him," Nina says blushing. Her breasts are pressing against my chest . Typical Milly, I turn to see Rivalz face burning with envy. She rolls off me and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "It's good to see you again, Lelouch." I'm once again in the presence of the student council. My friends that I spent so much time with are with me again. They remember me as Lelouch, the real Lelouch.
Dusting myself off I hear a voice "Hey!" I see Suzaku walking arm in arm with Euphemia. Euphemia, lets go of their link and runs to hug me. I can't look at her. Shame consumes me, but she squeezes me so hard that I forget it. Looking up at me she steps back pulling my hand into hers. "It's ok Lelouch, we're siblings. Pain is inevitable. What matters is that we are here as a family like you promised." She always was a tender flower. To pure and innocent for this world. Pulling her in I hold her tight. No words need to be said.
Suzaku having waited his turn embraces me. "We did it man." Standing in silence we reflect on what we had accomplished. I cry as I feel the weight of my sins lifting and he pulls me in. My friends stand around me, smiling, waiting for me to join them. When the tears are gone I stand tall and walk to the academy. They follow behind. But stop as I enter the doors.
C2 is waiting for me, an irritated look on her face. "Took you long enough," she says snarky. Grabbing my hand she starts pulling me through the school. How could I forget my loyal companion. The rebellion would have died many times if not for her. There was a time where I began to lover her. We are not lovers, but she is important to me and that will never change. Though never spoken, these two will have a bond that transcends time.
Walking through the halls I remember all the adventures we had. Each moment a precious record in my heart. I don't realize it at first, but notice i'm walking to the roof. Why? Thats when I remember an old promise. I begin picking up pace then running. C2 lets go allowing me to finish this path myself.
A rush of light blinds me as I open the door to the roof. My vision starts to return and I see a silhouette of a women. Her back is turned to me but I would know her from anywhere. The way the light radiates from her hair to her small and gentle frame. As the wind blows, she turns to me and I look at her. The goddess of my life. She smiles reaching her hand to me. Holding it tight we stare into each others eyes. Gently I rub her cheek then brush her hair to the side. Leaning in, I look into her eyes till our lips touch. I dont know how much time passed, but we had an eternity.