'You stupid, stupid, coward!" Bernie sat banging her head against the steering wheel. The frustration visible as her emotions were on the brink of imploding on themselves! How could she have done this again? Done what she has always done and run? Resigning herself to the coward she really was, she put the car gears into reverse and started to drive out of her parking space, and quickly out of the hospital car park. Bernie didn't get far before the overwhelming sense of loss and guilt began to consume her, like fog engulfing her all around, she couldn't catch her breath, her heart felt as if it was banging off the wall of her chest. She had convinced herself she was going to give Serena space, that she hadn't wanted to hurt her because she cared about her, but now all she could think about was the heartbreak she had seen written all over the brunettes face as she had told her to STOP and walked in fact had ran out of the department. All she could hear in her head over and over was the pleading tone of the surgeon, the fear, the physically crushing feeling on her voice. Bernie thought she might be sick as the magnitude of what she had done continued to fit her over and over.

She pulled over at the side of the road, trying to get control of her emotions, taking controlled breaths, in through her nose out through her mouth. Bernie was reminded of Serena's earlier conversation about a patient they had treated together. She could hear Serena's voice in her head "it's their gamble, If they think there is even the slightest chance of happiness, then it doesn't matter what others think." This was what she wanted, she wanted Serena in her life, but with so many buts, how could she take the chance, there was no plan B if this went pear shaped but she couldn't let this chance pass her by, she knew the emotional rollercoaster Serena had gone through in the past few weeks, since their original kiss and if she was honest she had been through too, It had been different with Alex, it was heated and urgent, but this felt altogether different. She couldn't run, not anymore, when the women she respected and admired with so much passion was willing to risk it all to try. Berne took a deep breath. She could do this. Starting the ignition, she did a three point turn and headed back to the hospital.

As she pulled into the car park, Bernie began to wonder whether Serena would even still be here. After all she had caused a scene in front of their colleagues already today. She wouldn't have blamed her if she'd left as soon as she could. But she knew there is no backing out now, she had already run once today, she couldn't do it again. It meant too much, she meant too much. Bernie quickly jumped out the car, barley caring whether she had locked the door, she ran towards the lifts, hoping the increased effort of running would help her deal with her nerves. Pressing the call button on the lift she eagerly looked at the display, the lift was still on the 5th floor. Needing to keep the momentum of her plan, she was too inpatient to wait on the lifts arrival so she ran towards the stairs. Reaching the top of the stairs, she briefly stood bent over, hands on her thighs to regain her breath, the impact of her recent surgery clearly impacting on her overall fitness. Bernie took a deep breath, using her ID badge to unlock the doors to AAU before entered the ward. Raf and a few nurses looked up and acknowledged her presence, she could see the concern on Rafs face as he watched her walk quickly and with purpose towards her shared office. Glancing through the window in the door, she could see Serena, sitting head in hands at her desk, the guilt of knowing she had caused this situation pulled at her heart. Everything within her wanted to scoop the women up in her arms and hold her forever.

Slowly she opened the office door and tentatively walked in, closing the door gently behind her. Serena looked up from her hands, at the women standing at the door, her eyes stained red from the tears. The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence, as they both stared at one another, each willing the other to speak. Bernie stood frozen to the spot, she knew it had to be her, after all she was the one who ran, looking down at the floor she quietly, almost unsure of her words " Serna - I, - I was wrong to leave like that - I am a coward, can we talk?" Serna continued to sit in silence as she stared at the women who had already broken her heart today. Bernie looked up, closing the space between herself and Serena, and crouching down beside her. "Please Serena - I know I don't deserve you to even listen to me - but I." she stumbled over her words "I - I need you." Serena looked into the blonde surgeons eyes as she finally spoke, "Okay, but not here. I think you have created enough gossip on the ward for one day" Bernie nodded, breaking the eye contact, she looked at the floor, a reaction, Serena knew from past experience was a expression of guilt "How about my place? We were planning to have dinner their tonight, before I messed this all up" Serena nodded in agreement "Fine, lets go there" She stood up from her chair and picked up her bag and coat. Bernie glanced over at the women she had hurt so much today, she could see that now, sighing silently she forced a smile as both women walked silently out of the office and towards the ward doors without acknowledging anyone that they passed.

As they reached the car park, Serena was cursing her decision to walk to work this morning, owing to her hangover headache that had taken forever to shift. She knew Bernie had known this, they had discussed it briefly in the lift this morning, after Bernie had dropped Hassan's bombshell. The journey to Bernie's flat was frightfully quiet, Bernie could feel the anxiety rush around her head as she searched for the words to express the regret she felt. Serena all the while sitting watching her, waiting, willing her, to open up. As they pulled into the space beside Bernie's rental property, Bernie reached over and laid a hand over Serena's, Serena for the first time smiled as she felt the gentleness of the other women's touch on her own.

"Shall we go inside?" Bernie questioned, needing to ask permission. "Lets" Serena replied, knowing how hard Bernie was finding this whole experience. The two women made their way into the house, shaking off the autumn cold air that hit them as they stepped outside of the car.