Title: The Phases of Sam Evans
Author: Gold Star 94 (Kaileigh)
Rating: Risqué PG-13 to Mild R
Author's Note: (That is probably worthy of its own chapter) It's been almost two years since I have written any kind of fan fiction and after a year of only writing essays, I'm definitely ready to flex my creative writing muscles again. Although I've written Glee stories before, I have never written one centered around Sam Evans, as I've typically only written around Rachel, Finn, and Quinn. But lately I've been super obsessed with Sam and Chord Overstreet in general. After reading Sam Evans' Four Steps to Getting Your Man and Who is Sam Evans? I was beyond inspired. I originally intended this to be a one-shot, but I'm thinking this will probably last quite a few chapters. This is the first part of this chapter, which is the unbeta'd product of obsession, inspiration, and a random burst of energy. :]
Warning: This will get better.
I swear.
The Ugly Phase, or Reasons to Be Pretty Part 1
"This is so gay," He whined to his friend, Courtney, as she gingerly and watchfully combed what seemed to be a vat of lemon juice through his mousy brown hair.
She sighed heavily. "Sam, do you want to look cool or not?" She calmly responded to the boy, as though she was a mother trying to reason with an impatient child. Which at this point, he was to her. "Need I remind you of the plan?"
Sam rolled his eyes and nodded reluctantly, as though he did not want to admit that his quirky friend was correct. It had been about four months since Sam's father had lost his job and Courtney had been there to listen to the fearful boy discuss his worries about the future. A few months following that shocking news, Courtney was once again there to hold his hand when he discovered that his father had been offered a job in Lima, Ohio and his family would unfortunately have to leave his hometown of Nashville, Tennessee for his new job.
He tried to take the fact his family would have to move as a good thing. He was unexpectedly was being given a fresh start, which was something he was desperately needing at the time. Since middle school, Sam had been enrolled at the same all-boys private school and had been surrounded by the same group of boys that he had gotten along with up until eighth grade. Around that time is when all the other boys seemed to get "hot", according to the girls at his school's sister school across the way, thanks to puberty, which appeared to be a God send to some and a curse to Sam. While the other students were blessed with facial hair and deep, sexy man voices, Sam was burdened with acne and a voice that did not actually begin to drop until he was about fifteen. Not to mention, his already huge-ass mouth seemed to get bigger with age.
It seemed every girl in the world flocked to the boys that Sam once spent every weekend hanging out with. And it really sucked to be left out all the time simply because he was not as attractive as the other kids.
Well, he wasn't always left out. He sometimes got invited to go on double dates, so his hot friend could mack on the hot girl, while Sam was left to entertain her ugly friend. That's actually how he met the girl currently coating his hair in lemon juice. The two ugly ducklings quickly took a liking to each other after yet another awkward double date in which the two tried to fill the deafening silence between the group, as their two hot friends attacked one another's face completely unfazed by the fact they were in a public place receiving disgusted looks from other people. They talked about comic books and sci-fi movies and vintage sports cars and Sam thought about how he had once believed he would never find a girl interested in the same things that he was interested in. (He only wished that this dream girl, in theory, was as attractive as the girl who was getting mauled by his friend.)
"I have the most brilliant plan in the world," Courtney cooed in a singsong voice, as she entered Sam's box-filled room.
"And that would be…?" He replied halfheartedly, as he vacillated between throwing away his juvenile collection of Pokémon cards and moving them to Lima. (Throw away his kickass collection? Fuck no. This shit was gold.)
"So, you know how you said you wanted to be more attractive when you moved to Lima?" Sam nodded. "And then I said that I already thought you were the most attractive boy in the world in hopes that you would say something as romantic as what I had said back, but instead you freaked out and changed the subject to Megan Fox's nipples?" The boy nodded once again sheepishly. "Well, I have devised the most perfect plan to make you a stud."
"I'm listening,"
Courtney began to explain her elaborate plan to her best friend. All they had to do was combine all the traits that girls found dreamy about their crushes into one person and voila, they would create their own Frankenstein hunk of a man that every girl would find irresistible. Originally Sam scoffed at the idea. If it were truly that easy to be attractive, then wouldn't he and Courtney already be? "But on the other hand, what do I have to lose? It's not like I can honestly get more awkward or hideous, right?" Courtney smiled triumphantly.
The two quickly began flipping through magazines in order to finalize the image of what their Perfect Man would look like. The two knew they had to work fast, as they only had three months to complete Sam's transformation. (And they had a lot of work ahead of them.) After much deliberation, this was their conclusion:
Brad Pitt's Smile
Justin Berber's Haircut (So Sam could do that "really sexy flippy thing" according to Courtney)
A mix between Ryan Reynolds and Batman's body ("Because they're fucking jacked, man!")
Zack Morris' Blonde Hair (Sam always had a thing for Kelly Kapowski and really wanted to get with a head cheerleader as well.)
Zac Efron's Fashion Sense (Courtney assumed it would be ultimately foolproof for her fashion-challenged friend and that tight jeans would also show off his junk.)
"And you're also going to need join some kind of really manly sports team. Like hockey or baseball,"
"Or bowling!" Sam shouted out, unfortunately, very seriously.
As the third month of the pair's hard work began to draw near, Sam could not help but to admire his new outer appearance. Thanks to his overuse of Crest Whitening Strips, his once lackluster smile was now swoon-worthy, and his skin which used to be one of his insecurities had finally cleared from using ProActive, which he claimed felt like he was pouring acid all over his face. He had convinced his parents to let him sign up for a free football clinic sponsored by his school and had traded videogames for intense cardio workouts at the gym and breakfasts of cold pizza and pop-tarts for fresh fruit and protein shakes. His body surely showed the results of his dedication to his new active and healthy lifestyle. When he looked in the mirror, he couldn't help but think that he would sure as hell tap that fine, hard ass of his. He had cut his long, shaggy hair to look like that of Justin Beiber and it was almost time to make his average looking brown hair worthy of Tiffany Thiessen herself. "Wait, so you're just going to put lemon in my hair?"
"Yep. And then all you do is sit in the sun for a couple of hours and your hair will get lighter. Plus, you'll also get a super awesome tan, which will make you look like some sexy California, surfer dude," Courtney replied assuredly.
"I changed my mind. I don't want to change my hair color," Sam said quickly.
"What? Why?"
"Well, isn't it kind of gay for guys to dye their hair? Besides, what if I end up looking hideous? I've worked too hard to look this good to just fuck it up by putting juice in my hair," He lifted up his to shirt to reveal his newly formed six-pack in order to emphasize his point.
"Sam, Sam, Sam," Courtney said comfortingly, as she guided her friend to sit on the edge of his bed. "Yes, you are attractive. But right now, you're like an eight. But you could be a ten, if you dyed your hair," Sam rolled his eyes and Courtney could tell she was losing his interest. "Do you want to get the Kelly Kapowski at your new school?" Sam nodded, as if to say, Fuck yeah! That's why we have spent the majority of our summer giving me a makeover! "Then, do as I say and color your hair."
After four hours in the sun, Sam's hair had lightened significantly and his once pasty skin was now a dark, golden tan. Courtney and Sam smiled at each other, fully aware of the fact of how much better looking he now looked.
Sam and Courtney decided to celebrate his newfound attractiveness by going out and seeing how many girls he could pick up. Before leaving, Sam took a good look at himself in the mirror.
He was no longer worried about moving.
Fin.
Reviews would be lovely.