Disclaimer: No one really knows who these characters belong to anymore. Regardless, it's not me, so don't sue. And if they did belong to me, well, things would be different.
A/N: So this is far from my first fic, but this is the first one I've ever published, and since no one wrote a Jolieday fic this year, I took it as a sign to finally publish something. So this is my take on how the holidays should have gone, of course with a happy ever after for Jolie. Let me know if I'm any good, (though it's mostly just fluff), or if publishing my other stuff is worth it.
"John, seriously, thank you, I-"
"I should be thanking you, Anna"
"I gave you a job, you saved my life, that's hardly fair" she said, ''Give yourself some credit"
"The credit should be given to Robert"
"Yes, well, he knows that" Anna said, almost laughing, "John, I want you to take the holidays off"
"I've only been working for a week"
"And done more than most of my force could do in a year"
"I can't take you up on that, besides, you should give the officers who have families the holidays off, I-"
"Also have a family"
"Anna, you know-"
"Yes, I know. But you could go to Seattle, see your mom, your brother, his kids. Take the time John"
"Anna-"
"Remember that conversation about how you'd have to take orders from me?" she reminded him.
"Right. Yes, boss." he reluctantly agreed.
"Alright, now get out of here" she said.
And here he was. His former tactic of working through the holidays and ignoring everything wrong in his life had failed him for the first time, and he could thank Anna for that. So after flying back to Port Charles from Switzerland, he'd packed a bag and hopped in his car. He managed to get to the parking lot of the airport, but upon pulling out his phone to call his mom, he realized he'd rejected Mike's invitation for a reason. Of course, then it was because he was on his way out of the country with no clue about when he'd return. It was convenient that he thought he'd be working through the holidays, because it left celebrating out of the picture. In reality, he'd declined his brother's invitation to spend the holidays with him because he knew the questions would come, especially from his mom, and he had no good answers to give. That in addition to the fact that a year ago he'd promised himself he'd never spend another holiday separated from his family. So he didn't feel like celebrating anything at all. So after spending a few hours in the parking lot staring at his phone, he'd put the car in drive and didn't even think about where he was going. The only stop he made was the liquor store on the way out-of-town.
He made the drive, sure of every turn, every highway exit, yet unknowing of where he was going. When he approached the sign that informed him he was entering Llanview, he finally understood why he chose to buy his liquor while still in New York. He was afraid to go to Rodi's, despite the fact that it was technically his, he ran too much of a chance of seeing someone he knew to get something as strong as he needed, to add to it, he'd left Natalie in charge while he was gone, and he thought for sure he'd be blacklisted by now. The liquor store in Angel's Square was also high risk, and he didn't want to face the questioning looks of the cahier when he left with hard stuff instead of the six-pack of beer he'd customarily get for he and Natalie when they stayed in for the night. But he drove right by Angel's Square, the PD and Rodi's, taking the road that would eventually lead him up Llantano mountain, but he pulled off on a dirt road, parking when he reached the top of its hill.
He got out of his car, walked over the crest of the hill, and sat on the cold and uncomfortable grass.
Finally, he was right where he wanted to be. As close to home as he could get. He opened the whiskey he'd bought when it was still light out and took a swig. Once upon a time in this very spot he thought he could be happy.
"You should wear your hair like that more often"
"You mean like I just rolled out of bed?"
"It's cute...and are those cats on your pajamas?"
"What are trying to accomplish here?"
"Well, just know I'm not usually the type of guy to call his girlfriend on a stake out"
"You did just call me your girlfriend"
That was when he had everything to gain, and now he had lost everything.
He watched the Buchanan family through the large windows of Llanfair celebrate their Christmas Eve. He watched Matthew care for his almost one year old son, and Bo and Nora with their arms wrapped around each other as they came into the library. Even Clint seemed to be capable of having a soul. Viki, as usual, made her rounds and talked to everyone. Jess stood in a corner with her two kids, Joey and Kelly close by, and even Kevin had come back for Christmas. Kevin, though was standing with some guy John didn't remember ever meeting, though he supposed it was possible there were Buchanans he hadn't met yet. Not that he would ever be allowed the chance.
That was when she came in. God, she was beautiful. He spent hours everyday looking at her picture, but seeing Natalie for the first time in months, even this far away, still took his breath away. On her hip was Liam, and it seemed to him impossible that he could be so big. He would have given anything to be able to hold him again. Rex, Gigi, and Shane entered behind her, but he watched her walk right to the guy he didn't recognize. He embraced her, and John took a long swig of whiskey. He was the guy, the love at first sight, the love so much greater than theirs.
Like he could believe that.
Still, this was the guy Natalie had written him about, when she told him not to fight for custody to just give up on them. This was the guy John hated more than anything, except possibly himself. After the two embraced, he kissed her lightly on the lips, shook Kevin's hand, and left the library. John took another long swig of whiskey. If he knew Natalie, it seemed to him that they weren't intimate yet, and he hoped it was true, because he could also see Natalie's bedroom from here, and he didn't have nearly enough alcohol to cope with that thought.
He watched Natalie interact with Rex and Gigi, and Shane, this was the first time they'd come home from London, and he knew she missed them more than her brothers also in London, Rex was different for her, someone who cared about her unconditionally, a feat that he had tried and failed at many times. He watched his son run around with his cousins, get tired, and eventually he and Ryder were asleep on the couch. Natalie and Jess took the two of them up to bed, the nursery they still shared. He wondered if Natalie went to their house anymore, if she and Liam were at least making a home somewhere that was their own, or if she had sold it when she tried to purge him of her life. As stupid as it was, he had the hope that one day they'd go back to that house, it was the first piece of land he or Natalie had ever owned for themselves, and he knew it was a big deal to her to be living somewhere that didn't belong to anyone else.
He could see Natalie and Jess putting their kids down, and then disappear. He knew Natalie was reading Bree a bedtime story, the little girl looked up to Natalie a lot and Natalie did her best to stay in the little girls life. When Natalie stayed at her mom's, Bree always asked her to read to her. John knew Natalie, and that she loved that girl as if she were her own. But that was just Natalie, and one of the many things he loved about her. How open her heart was to so many people, how willing she was to let people in and care about them so deeply for so long. It was something that he couldn't do, and maybe that was why he loved her so much.
As Jess and Natalie came back to the living room, he saw her go up to Bo and hug him. John smiled, it was good that the two of them were still close, he was glad he hadn't driven a wedge between the two of them.
It wasn't lost on him that that guy was no longer present, and he found some solace that he wasn't going to stay with Natalie tonight, or have her head lean on his shoulder as she silently cried while watching Christina Comes Home For Christmas, or wake up with her on Christmas morning. If he never got to do that, well, he supposed he had once, but once didn't seem fair for all the years and for all the almosts they'd had. So many times he'd thought about what it would be like to have someone to wake up with on Christmas morning, to wake up holding Natalie close after making love to her on Christmas Eve, then giving her present as they woke up. This Christmas was just like so many he'd spent before, wishing that would come true. He'd told himself this Christmas- well, it didn't matter anymore, his dreams were long gone now.
He watched Natalie take out presents from the closet and put them under the tree, thinking that he should be helping her, that he should be doing all the heavy lifting, that he should have helped her shop. As her family began to gather on the couch to watch Christina, he noticed Natalie had disappeared. Probably just to grab some last-minute thing she'd forgotten, but Natalie loved this movie and he found it hard to believe that she'd miss any of it. He watched Clint, Viki, Bo and Nora share one couch, Rex, Gigi, and Shane on the other. Jessica and Kevin were in their own chairs, Kelly sat on Joey's lap in the other. Matthew, Destiny and Drew sat on the footstool in the middle of the room. He saw Roxy sit on the floor nearby Rex. That's where he and Natalie would be sitting, on the floor, their backs resting on a couch, simply holding hands. That was how they were, on the floor so that others had the comfort of the couches, and they were out of everyone's line of sight, and very few people would make note of her crying on his shoulder or the gentle kiss he'd lay on her forehead. It suited them fine. He took another swig of whiskey. The almost was too much for him to bear.
He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or his brain playing tricks on him, but he swore he heard someone behind him. Not that he cared. If they were going to arrest him or tell him to leave, he was just going to enjoy the last few moments looking at the family he almost had, it was only too bad Natalie wasn't there to look at.
"Why am I not surprised?" she asked rhetorically, then sat down next to him, and set a six-pack of Hounds between them, "Merry Christmas John"
He took a swig of whiskey, "Merry Christmas, Natalie" he said, and passed her the bottle.
She took a swig as well, and he just looked at her, taking in her breathtaking beauty.
"you know" she started, "Normal people use this thing called a front door, they ring this contraption called a doorbell, and then they get let to a warm house and do this thing called socializing"
"Hey, I'm sharing my booze with you" he said as a comeback, and took a swig, "How'd you know I'd be here?"
"If I can tell you're looking at me from across the room, what makes you think a wall can stop it?" she answered, "Anna called me to say that she gave you the holidays off. Then your mom called me and mentioned she hadn't heard from you and that if I did to have you call her. And lastly, Bo mentioned that on his way here he was behind this black car that was old and 'eerily familiar'"
John took another swig, and shook his head, "After all that's happened, he's still rooting for us"
"I think he always will. He's been there from the start, for both of us. And he and Nora are so happy, he just wants that for everyone"
John was quiet for a moment, "So who's the guy?" he asked.
Natalie sighed, "Oh, he a Brit, don'tcha know?" she said in an English accent and got a laugh out of him, "He was over here to do a huge consult for BE, he's Kevin's top guy in London, and the wonderful people in the publicity department, who I was assured were in no way influenced by my father or brothers, thought it would be good for the international markets to see a 'normal' BE employee dating the heiress to the company. And Jess, according to my dad, is too busy because of Ryder"
He looked at her to see if she was serious, "You have reason to be skeptical" he said, passing her the bottle.
She took a swig, "oh, there's plenty" she said, cynically, "But he's gone. He just left for London his promotion starts tomorrow"
"But in that letter-"
"It was forged"
"No it wasn't. I'd recognize a fake"
"Yeah, you would but my dad has people in his pocket that even I would be ashamed of" she said, "I found out about it after it was sent. And honestly, you thought I would throw money in your face? Or tell you to stay away from Liam?"
"No, I didn't. I thought-"
"Thought what?"
"That mystery guy put you up to it. That wasn't you, you've never cared about money, you would never keep your son away from his parents" he said "Why didn't you call when you found out?"
"John, maybe I wanted you to come and see what I meant, and tell me that you knew me better than that"
"I was advised against doing so by my lawyer, it would jeopardize my chances of ever seeing Liam again"
"Is this the same lawyer the mob has in its pocket? Yup, she's a bright one" Natalie said, taking a swig of whiskey.
"Hey, I tried getting Tea, but your father had her bought out"
"Regardless, your lawyer is still not all that bright"
"But she-"
"The restraining order was rescinded right before you got that letter" she told him, giving him the bottle back.
John took a swig, "I take it Clint didn't know you rescinded it"
"He still doesn't"
"Why'd you take it out in the first place?"
"My dad had the idea, and I was just so mad-"
"You had every right to be" he said.
"I thought I had learned to think beyond my impulses. Guess not" she took the bottle back and took a sip.
"if all this is true, why you didn't you answer any of my calls?"
"Because John, I wanted all of you or none of you. I dealt with only having part of you for a long time. And if it was just me- But there's a child to consider now, and he deserves better than that" she said, "That's why I didn't call to tell you about anything, I wanted to get you angry enough to come home"
"I never meant to hurt you. I didn't realize what I was doing to you until it was too late"
"Who was she?" she asked.
"A mistake" he said, "You know that I never slept with her, right?"
"Was it just a kiss?"
"No" he answered, "what you saw was. After I got that letter, she was there, and I was in a pretty bad place, and I kissed her again, and I would've slept with her, but I couldn't"
"Because of her? or because of me?" she asked.
"I told myself I was never going to betray you again. And that was just about the last promise I made that I hadn't broken"
"You didn't make that many promises"
"Maybe not to you. But I made plenty to myself" he said, and took another sip of the liquor, "My New Year's Resolution, I guess. I saw you in that dress, I planned out a year in my head, starting with a kiss at midnight"
"Too bad you got called away"
"Should've known, I guess, it would all fall apart" he said, "but I was going to get you back, I knew it in that moment. I was going shut down Rodi's for the day on Valentine's Day, so that it could just be you and me"
"I loved my Valentine's Day"
"I knew you would" he said, "but that's about all i got of my plan. I came so close to the best part of the plan" he said, and looked at her, then looked back to the house again, "On Saint Patrick's Day, have the party at Rodi's. Guilt you into helping me clean, and then- I was going to give you my mom's ring. And I remember thinking that was perfect, because we could have planned the wedding for the summer, and then gone on a honeymoon at the end of the summer, and i thought for sure by christmas we'd be getting ready for a baby girl"
Natalie took the bottle back, finding it empty, and she moved onto the beer. She took a long gulp. He was so honest with her, but she didn't know if she could return it just yet, "I had no idea you-"
"Of course not, it was all supposed to be a surprise for you. But I ruined it. I ruined us"
"I'm here"
"I guess you can always find me"
"Well, you're usually the one to find me"
"Something I never told you-you gave me a Christmas present, we were apart and you gave it to me anyway"
"I had already bought it anyway"
"Yeah, well, I bought you a present that Christmas too. I was going to give it to you, but-I wasn't as brave as you"
"What are you talking about? You never gave me a present that year"
"I was going to, I came here, and I had it in my hand. But I knew that you'd be angry or upset once you saw me, because of everything, and I just wanted to see you happy, or just be, so I walked around to the back of the house, and saw you in the library, and Cris. I left"
"So when you said you knew how it felt when I saw you kiss Marty, you did"
"It sucks"
"yeah" she said, "Well, there's something I never told you either" she said, and took a swig of beer, "the plane crash you were in, and I was here with you, taking care of you, Michael told me to leave after I got you here, I wanted to stay. And then I saw that you still had some of my clothes, that you hadn't gotten rid of them, and the memories, like Caitlyn, but I wanted to stay with you because I knew what I meant to you"
"I could tell you everything you left, especially the second time, after all the fights. there was a shopping list on the desk, and on your nightstand you left your study guide for your test, and in the drawer the St. Jude medal. You left the blue dress in the back of the closet, and it still smelled like you, and you left your shampoo and conditioner in the shower. And I couldn't get rid of it, any of it. I felt like it was wrong to do that to you"
"I thought I lost that medal. I looked for it for so long after-"
John dug into his coat pocket and took out two medals. One had a clear depiction of a woman and a star, the other was burned and banged up, but you could still see the engraving as clear as day. He held them out to her. She looked at them.
"You still have them"
"Always, I take them everywhere. Here, I always meant to give yours back to you. It's yours now"
"I suppose I am a lost cause" she said quietly.
"You were never a lost cause" he said, "but it's helped me these past few months, being away from you, I'm the lost cause without you and Liam"
"Uncle Bo told me you formally resigned" she said, "that you took a job with Anna" she said, "Anna told me too"
"Fish called me- anyway, I knew that Clint was going to have the mayor fire Bo again if I didn't quit, and Bo doesn't deserve to be put in that place"
"You really don't get it, do you?"
"Well, I didn't know the restraining order-"
"No" she said, and paused, "Bo- you have friends here, John. And Bo's one of them" she said, "Do you remember how the mayor fired him at the end of last year? He took that as a sign to retire. You became interim commissioner, but then you told the mayor about your leave of absence, and Bo put his name in to be made commissioner"
"I remember"
"He did that for you. He was waiting for you to come back so you could be named commissioner. Once you came back, he was going to announce his retirement. He wanted to be sure he was leaving the department in good hands, in your hands"
John took a beer, "I don't know-"
"And, from what Anna told me, you're rank and file in PC. You don't even have a title. You had a great job waiting for you back here, what made you think you had to take that job?"
"I didn't know Anna was talking to you"
"She said it was for your own good"
"A job's a job, Natalie. All I wanted was something to stop me from thinking about you all the time and a way to pay for representation in court and to prove I wasn't worthless" he took a sip of beer.
"You don't know you're not worthless? Your son asks every night when Daddy's going to catch the bad guy?"
"What?"
"Allyson Perkins is still at large, so we have extra security, and it kinda fits with what he thinks you do for work"
"So you have been staying here?"
"After being in London for awhile" she said.
"What about our house?"
"It's still there. I couldn't get rid of it, despite how much everyone told me to. I always hoped, maybe I knew, one day you'd come back and take me home"
"Natalie-"
"John, its christmas. I don't want to fight, not tonight"
"You didn't want to watch the movie with your family?"
"I haven't seen you in months"
"You love Christina"
"Yeah, I do. But I didn't feel like being surrounded by all that love, I don't feel like I belong there" she said, "What about you? Michael didn't invite you to Seattle?"
"No, he did"
"Why didn't you go?"
"Guess I just didn't feel like celebrating" he said, "and I promised myself, and you once, I was never spending another holiday away from you. Didn't think it was right to celebrate me breaking a promise"
"Well, as long as he invited you. I'd have called your mom and ratted him out"
"She still thinks I'm out of the country"
"You don't have a passport"
"I got another one"
"I knew you would" she sighed.
"So what else has Anna been telling you?"
"That you almost died, for starters"
"You're the reason I didn't. You're actually the reason a bunch of people didn't die"
"What?"
"I had to detonate a bomb, and there was no answer as to how- so I pulled out my phone, I wanted to say goodbye to you, but I looked at the picture, and I thought, my redhead's gotten me through a lot, so I clipped the red wire. And saved the town"
She half smiled, "Glad I can still be of help"
"I miss you, you know. Every second. I haven't felt so alone since, I guess since you left me after the crash"
"That's almost a lifetime ago"
"I thought that was the end of my world and I feel the same way now"
"John, do you ever think what would have been different if you were never in that crash?"
"Yeah, I think about it a lot. We'd be married, we'd actually be married for years by now"
"I've been thinking about it, too. I mean, I've always thought about it, but more so recently. and you're right. But you would have never divorced me, all those fights still would have happened, and we'd be stuck"
"No, I don't think so. We fought because of Spencer and my need for vengeance, and my health. But if I had never been in that crash, I never would have met Marty, she never would have claimed him incompetent to stand trail, he would have gone to jail for life, and we would have been happy"
She nodded, "I didn't think about that"
"That night we split, that was the saddest night I've ever lived"
"I know" she said, "Do you remember that night, though, you told me-"
"That if that was going to be the last opportunity I had to be with you, I was going to make every second of it count"
"I felt so loved that night"
"I thought, well it doesn't matter now"
"What?"
"That if I showed you how much you meant to me, I could convince you to stay" he said, "but it wasn't enough. and then, that night we slept together just before Christmas, I thought for sure we could work it out. I should've told you" he said.
"You gave me what I needed those nights"
"Too bad I didn't give you what you needed before then. I knew when I woke up that you were it for me. There were so many things I should've done differently, and everything would be different now. We'd be inside, we would have put our kids down for the night, one boy, one girl" he said, "i never told you, I always wanted a baby girl. Red hair, blue eyes. As beautiful and strong-willed is you"
Natalie closed her eyes against the tears, she had never heard him say something so wishful to her. Maybe- she took a deep breath.
"I've never known you to be so honest, open"
"Natalie?"
"All these things you never told me- " she took another deep breath, "I've never told you, Liam is technically our second child- of three" she said, and the tears were just about to fall.
"What are you talking about?"
"The night we broke up, and you kissed me, laid me down on the couch. We made love so many times that night, because neither of us wanted it to be over"
"I remember"
"You didn't use protection, and I didn't stop you. And I don't blame you-" she paused, "but a few weeks later, I was late. I was still so upset over you, and I took it as a sign, you know? That it didn't matter, we were meant to be together. And I was going to call you and tell you on the date that we never got to have. But the day before, I was alone at work and got this horrible pain. I knew, it was over. The baby, and us"
"That's why- you were so emotional when you were pregnant with Liam. Either so happy or-"
"Defensive, upset?"
"You and Jess were so different about it, and I always knew you two were very different, but,-"
"I knew the paternity was technically an issue, and that's where some of my emotional state came from but I was just so happy that I was actually having a baby. And I knew deep down it had to be yours, after all, we'd already had a child, and if I'd never been pregnant with Jared what were the odds? Just another sign that it was always you"
"Just like I told you at first"
"Yeah" she said, "and that's why I was so okay with you leaving, because I knew you'd never leave me or Liam, not really, you'd always come back for us. Cuz we-we belong together. And you came home, the last time before everything went wrong. You told me you had to find Teresa's killer, take down the mob"
John shook his head, "turns out, it's not a one man job"
"And I was okay with it, looking back I should've told you no, I knew if I had you'd stay, for me. You'd do anything for me" she paused, "but I knew that it was temporary, well, at least then I did. We put Liam to bed, and you took my hand, and pulled me up against you, and you said-"
"Make remember what I have to come home to. And you pushed me down on the bed. I can still remember the look in your eyes"
"And we made love all night. And before you left you promised me a surprise when you got home, which would have been when I got back from London. So me and Liam spent a month in London, about halfway through, I knew, I felt it. I was having another baby, we were having a baby. I couldn't wait to get home to tell you. and then I got a message saying you'd be a day or two late, and it was perfect, we were going to have a romantic dinner, a night to ourselves. And then I got back."
"and Manning got to you"
"I still don't get it. I mean I was closer to him than Victor, but still, since he tried to rip my heart out, we never got along"
"it wasn't you. It was me. I ruined his chance with Blair, I arrested him"
"I saw it and, I don't even know. If I had been alone, so much would have been different. Jess was with me, she wanted to help me unpack and since I didnt want to do much heavy lifting-" she paused, "She saw it, and she saw my reaction. She called Mom, and brought me and Liam to Llanfair. When I got here, my Dad was on the phone. He told me just to sit and take care of Liam. He sent Nigel for my stuff, and then he handed me a piece of paper and told me to write what I would say to you. Then, he read it, and handed me a legal document and said if I signed it, I would be hurting you just as much as you hurt me" she said, "next thing I knew, me and Jess and Ryder and Bree and Liam were back on the jet and going back to London" she fought the tears, "I was so angry, I forgot I was pregnant, I had only just found out and you know, it still wasn't technically proven, but- We got back to the house, and naturally everyone knew already so me and Liam just went upstairs and right after I put him down-I got these horrible pains, and I doubled over, and stumbled to the bathroom, and I thought, I'd had that pain before. When I got to the bathroom I was bleeding. The baby was gone" she finally broke down in tears, "The only hope I had was gone, the only proof that you still loved me, and I couldn't get it back"
John so desperately wanted to rub her back and let her know she wasn't alone. And then a thought occurred to him. Natalie only had breaks like this once in awhile, that she wouldn't be this upset if she had told Jess or her Mom.
"Natalie, did you tell anyone?" he asked softly.
"I've never told anyone I miscarried. I never even told anyone I've been pregnant more than once. No one knew about either"
She had suffered alone. She had suffered because he wasn't there for her to lean on. Because he had always been the only one that saw when she was putting on a brave face and questioned her about it.
God, he hated himself.
"Natalie I-" he started, but then he looked at her. She, the strongest and most amazing women he'd ever known, was broken. There were no words to fix it. He couldn't go back in time and come home to her and Liam and the newest member of the family. He couldn't take back all the heartache he'd caused her, and he couldn't go back to hold her hand while she suffered in silence.
Slowly, he stretched his arm out, unsure of her reaction, if he'd let her comfort her or if she would hit him and curse him out. He hesitated for a second, but he put his arm around her shoulder. Immediately, she fell into him, crying and mourning the loss of their two children for the first time. He rested her head on his lap, and she curled into a ball, crying her sorrows away for the first time in months, with the only man who'd ever let her. John could see her family dispersing inside, heading to separate rooms for the evening. All had left except for Nora, Bo, Viki, and Clint. Of course, he couldn't have been, but John swore Bo looked right at him as if to say to take care of her. John nodded, and Bo pulled his brother and his wife out of the room. Viki, after looking at the room one last time, shut the lights off, and they were left in darkness.
John held her close to him with one arm, and with the other gave her soothing caresses through her hair and rubbed her back.
"It's okay. You can cry now. I'm here. Let it all go, Natalie" he said.
And she did. She let herself cry, for the first time in years. She cried for their split, for their first child, for the time they spent searching, for the time they wasted, for the lies, for the lack of faith, for her non marriage, for the time she wouldn't listen, for the time they spent apart, and for their most recent child.
"I love them so much"' she cried into her lap.
"I know you do" he said softly, "I love them too"
"I was so alone. How could you do that to me? How could you leave me alone like that?"
"ssh. I'm sorry Natalie. I never should have left you. You're always more important than anything else. If I had just come home-"
"You didn't come home. You never came home" she sobbed.
"ssh" he comforted her, "You're in my arms again. I'm home now" he told her, "You might not believe it, but I love you, more than anything"
Her sobs had seemingly subsided, and now just cried tears, "I love you, too" she said quietly.
Silently, John continued to comfort her through comforting caresses and holding her close. He didn't know if he'd ever get this opportunity again, and he wanted it to last as long as it could. She was perfect, completely unchanged for all she had been through. He could tell she was about through with her breakdown as her tears had stopped. He knew she was collecting herself to face him after such an uncharacteristic episode. He only wish she knew that she didn't have to apologize for being herself with him, for being vulnerable with him. If that proved anything, it was that whatever may have happened, they still were made for each other.
Natalie began to sit up, get away from him. This wasn't how it should be happening, she should be yelling, and he should be groveling. No way would she have told him her deepest secret, and then mourn her two lost children for the first time. Not with him, not now.
John put a steadfast hand on her shoulder, keeping her in his lap.
"You don't have to do that, Natalie" he said, and she relaxed back into his lap.
"John-"
"You don't have to apologize. For anything" he said, "I can understand keeping that to yourself. And you should know by now, I'll never think less of you, not for anything. But especially not leaning on me when you need to"
Natalie didn't know what to say. He said everything she knew he thought, and subconsciously what she knew. For a moment, she just decided to relish in the feeling of his arms around her again. Finally, she was home. And then she remembered what he said.
"You said you love me" she stated, no question, no pressure, just validation.
"I do" his answer was firm, unwavering.
"So nothing's changed? It could all go back?"
"No, it can't just go back. We both hurt each other, and that's going to take time to get past" he said, "but if your question is if I love you as much as I did nine months ago, then no, nothing's changed. I love you and Liam more than anything else"
"I believe you. But it just seemed like-"
"You have plenty of reason to doubt me" he said, "but, if you ever need a reminder, just look at Liam. He's the best of both of us, think about all we had to go through to get him in our lives"
"I never wanted you out of his life" she said.
"I know that now" he said.
"I guess I missed the whole movie. I wonder if they even noticed I was gone"
"I'm sure they did. I saw Bo, I think- I think he knows you're okay"
"I told them I was going out for some air. No one left to go look"
"You know you're not alone, right?"
"Well, right now- but they've never understood me, not fully. You're the only one"
"that goes for you, too" he said.
"Don't worry, I gave Anna notes"
John laughed a little, but then the two were silent for a moment. John had waited so long for what he knew would be a perfect moment, the next time he saw her. that was now, and although it wasn't what he wanted, he didn't have much to lose.
Natalie beat him to speaking, "This was where you first told me I was your girlfriend" she said, "i guess we've come full circle"
"Yeah, but that seems so long ago now"
"That was one of the sweetest things you'd ever said" she said, "and the next summer, I dragged you away from work and into my family Fourth of July party, and you knew I would want to see the fireworks, but that I wouldn't see them through the trees on the grounds, so we escaped up here"
"You were beautiful in the light of the fireworks" he told her, remembering.
"That was the first time you- the first time you ever hinted that I was more than just your girlfriend. The fireworks had just finished, and you kissed my head and whispered in my ear that if I liked it, we could make it our little tradition, and we could show-"
"Our kids the fireworks here" he finished.
"Yeah"
"I didn't forget, the last summer we were together, it was just that, we were following Cole and we weren't home-"
"I know" she said, "I didn't think about until after. I did think about it this summer, though. I was in London, and we celebrated anyway, and I was looking for an escape, waiting for you to take my hand and lead me away, not that it would have made a difference, there are no fireworks in London"
"No, I guess there aren't" he said, "I was missing you when I watched the fireworks, too. I missed you like crazy"
"We've missed each other for far too long" she said.
Finally, John pulled out the box he'd had his hand on in his pocket for the past ten minutes. He opened it in front of Natalie's face. He heard her gasp when she realized he still had his mother's ring.
"It's yours, if you still want it" he said.
"I thought you'd forgotten"
"I never forgot. I could never forget"
"I looked everywhere for it. I was sure you'd given it back to your Mom"
"I took it with me. So that when I came for good, I could ring the doorbell and you'd open the door to me on one knee"
"When you promised me a surprise when you came home, I thought it was- I guess I was right"
"Well, I knew you would snoop" he said, "and I wanted it to be a surprise"
"You really want this?"
"You as my wife, that's all I've ever wanted" he answered, "I knew the second I met you something in me changed. I guess that's what love at first sight means"
"It wasn't love at first sight" she pointed out.
"No, I'm sure it was. I just don't think either of us knew it at the time. I saw the spark in your eyes when you first met me"
"So many things led us to right now"
"I have a lot of regrets. But- if you still want this, it's all worth it" he said.
"So you want to get married so that everything is right?"
"No. Natalie, I want you to be my wife. Be my wife, because I love you."
"I love you too. Being your wife would be my dream come true" she said.
John slipped the ring on her finger, kissing the hand that adorned it.
"It's not coming off this time" he told her, "that's a promise" he said, still holding her hand.
She moved her hand to touch his face, and he leaned into her hand. Their eyes met, saying everything and understanding everything. Natalie sat up, gently kissing him, deepening it just a little. They came up for air, staying close, their faces within a breath of each other. John reached out, pushed her hair out of her face, and kissed her again. They came up for air, and then immediately dove back in to a deep and passionate kiss. John grabbed at her, one arm around her middle, the other up her back and cradling her head to keep her as close as possible. She dug her hands into his hair to keep his mouth pressed into hers. Too soon for either of them, they had to come up for air. They kept their arms where they were, not wanting to move. They just looked at each other for a moment.
"Is this real?" Natalie whispered.
"I hope so" he answered, "If it's not, I'm afraid of what I'll do when I wake up alone again"
"But my dreams are never this good" she said, "usually someone calls me to tell me you're dead or dying, or you come home just to tell me you've moved on"
"Well, that's where your dreams are wrong. There's no moving on from you"
"Did you dream?"
"On the nights I could sleep" he said, "Mostly nightmares, you with the guy, or that you were hurt and I couldn't get to you"
"So this is different from both our dreams? So it must be real?"
"You tell me" he said, and kissed her again.
When she came up for air, "Let's move this inside. So you can sleep with me on Christmas Eve, like we never got the chance to"
"We did once" he said.
"And I was so pregnant you could barely fit your arms around me"
"Hey, best Christmas I ever spent"
"C'mon. Let's go my bedroom, we can both get warm"
"What about when the morning comes?"
"Then your son gets the best Christmas present he'll ever get"
"Your entire family's in that house" he said, "What happens when we come downstairs right into an entire roomful of people who hate me?"
"Well, Bo and Nora don't hate you. You're still Matthew's hero. Jess and my mom have known this day was coming"
"And your dad and your brothers?"
"yeah, they're going to be mad. And they'll try and throw you out. And they'll tell me I'm out of my mind and that I'm being stupid. But that's when I'll show them the rock on my hand and tell them I'm no longer their problem. This problem is all yours"
"You're not a problem. You're not a burden. You're the love of my life, and I don't want me to come between you and your family"
"I thought you said you could take them"
"I can take a lot for you" he said, "You're sure?"
"More sure than I've been in a while"
"You really are amazing" he said.
"C'mon. I need you" she said.
"I love you" he said.
"I love you, too" she said, "Now let's get inside, I'll drive-"
"Natalie, I can drive"
"You've been drinking"
"Not much more than you" he said, "We're just going down the hill, we'll both be okay"
"I would still feel better-"
"I have presents for you and Liam in my car"
"You-but-"
"Some of its been there for a while, Liam's stuff. Yours, well, some of its old, but you know, I would forget. and I would be out and see something and I had to get it for you"
"So the present you never gave me?"
"You'll just have to wait and find out" he said, as he helped her up and the two made their way to their cars and into the house.
"MOM! GRANDMA VIKI! ITS CHRISTMAS! MOM! AUNT NATALIE! ITS CHRISTMAS! SANTA CAME!"
John groaned at the noise so early in the morning and pulled the blankets over their heads, then grabbed Natalie's naked form and pulled it closer to him. She laughed.
"C'mon, McBain. Liam's going to be up soon too"
"I think the dead are going to be up soon with that racket" he mumbled.
"Well, maybe if you hadn't stayed up so late last night"
"I was celebrating with my fiancée" he defended.
"Oh? Lucky girl" she winked.
"Somehow, I think I'm the lucky one" he said.
Natalie leaned up to kiss him, "We can go home tonight, but we have to get through today first. And that means we need to at least start putting clothes on"
"It's too early to be awake on Christmas"
"There are small children in the house. We're lucky we slept at all"
John reached for his boxers, finding his pants instead, and the box he'd pocketed every Christmas for seven years, waiting for this moment. It was now or never. He turned to Natalie, already in her bra and panties and pulling on her shirt.
"Wait-" he said, stopping her from dressing.
"John, you have to get dressed"
"Merry Christmas" he said giving her the present, "seven years late, but better than never"
Natalie looked at him quizzically, and then she opened the box, one that clearly was meant for jewelry. Inside, she found a bracelet, with three delicate charms on it; an eight ball, a slot machine, and a star. Her eyes welled up, threatening to spill out.
"John, this is beautiful" she managed to say.
"I just wish I gave to you sooner" he said, "Then there'd be more charms. I was- there's one charm for every year I knew you, up to that point. The eight ball from when we first met, the slot machine because then I knew you didn't hate me when you gave me that, and the star-"
"Is for our first real night together, on the roof under the stars"
"yeah. And I was going to give you another charm every year. But I couldn't, ya know? I had screwed up so bad"
"It's the past, and its over now. We're together, forever this time"
They kissed lightly and then actually got dressed. Just as they were finishing dressing under the covers, Liam came bounding in.
"Mamma, Santa came! Bree said he came!"
"I know he did, sweetheart"
"Mamma?" he asked upon seeing John there.
"Yes, Liam?"
"Did you ask Santa to bring Daddy home?"
"I did"
"Daddy!" he finally exclaimed, then tried to climb up the bed.
John picked him up and hugged him.
"I missed you buddy"
"Santa brought me the best present" he said, gleefully.
"You didn't go looking already, did you?" Natalie asked him.
"No, he brought Daddy back" he said, "that's the best present I could want"
"Well, I'm not going anywhere now"
"So you caught the bad guys?"
John and Natalie chuckled, "Yeah, I did" he answered, "but what about you? You do what I asked? Watch out for your mom?"
"I tried. But daddy, she's really hard to watch all the time"
John chuckled, "Oh, I know son. I've tried for years"
The intimate moment was interrupted when Bo walked in the door, unnoticed until he spoke.
Bo walked in, his voice preceding him from around the corner, "Natalie, everyone's awake, we were just wondering if you were coming-" he paused, and saw the happy family, "Oh"
"We'll be down in a minute Uncle Bo"
"Uncle Bo, Santa brought Daddy back for me"
"You know Liam, I think Santa brought Daddy back for me, too. Do you know he's one of my best friends?"
"That's so cool"
"Welcome back, John" Bo said, shaking his friend's hand, "I always knew you were coming back"
"thanks, Bo" John said, putting his arm back around Natalie's shoulders.
"I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you-" Bo trailed off, seeing the two happy. Natalie smiling, genuinely smiling, for the first time in months, John, looking at her with all the love the world had to offer, Liam happy to have his both his parents back, "Never mind. We'll talk business tomorrow"
"Business?" John asked.
"That's right. Don't think I've gone soft Lutinent. I'll see you in my office bright and early" he mocked, "and your badge will be waiting for you"
"Well, Uncle Bo" Natalie started, and with a look at John for approval, she continued, "You'll have to promise me not to be too hard on him. After all" she held out her hand with the engagement ring, "you wouldn't want his fiancée after you"
Bo saw the ring, and immediately was smiling like a bafoon.
"I am so happy for the two of you" he said.
"thanks, bo. It means a lot" John said.
"Well, I'll be on my way- do you want me to warn everyone?"
John and Natalie looked at each other, "Nah. A surprise will do everyone good" Natalie said, "We'll be down in a minute"
"Mamma, can I go with Uncle Bo?"
"Of course, sweetie. Mommy and Daddy will be down in just a minute, okay?"
With that, Liam scurried after Bo.
"You sure about this?" John said, "I know they're going to be hard on you"
"Harder on you" she said.
"I can take em" he said, pushing her hair back.
"Well, with you next to me, there's nothing that stop me from living my life. With you"
With that, John took her hand, and they stood together.
"Well, then it's good I want to live my life right next to you"