Summary: In which Team 7 provides a guiding hand to our favorite Jedi and Senator. Or the one where the bored ghosts of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura (sometimes Kakashi, Yamato, and Sai) gives (sometimes terrible, sometimes crazy, more often than not, downright impossible) advise to Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Padme. The galaxy will never be the same.
Warnings: Crack.
What Do You Mean It's Haunted?
Obi-Wan had always imagined that if ever there was an angry and vengeful ghost that would possess him, it would have to come from an ancient, evil holocron he needed to retrieve after an epic explosion in a haunted Sith temple full of wraiths angry of Sith lords, and not by a bubble twelve year-old with pink hair through a cute red hair ribbon Bant picked up from on a whim from a storage room that she then playfully used to tie his hair with.
At least Sakura is nice. Was nice. What would be the appropriate tense that applied to a ghost anyway?
"You're really small," she said above him, observing his almost 13 year old body with almost clinical detachment. "Have you been drinking enough milk? Because your job description sounds like you will be encountering plenty of broken bones. Calcium rich food helps with strengthening bone structure and helps you grow taller. Tall teammates are horrible."
Obi-Wan nodded, but his expression was one of horror as a random captive had his collar explode in an escape attempt by going past the parameters.
"Well, there goes Plan A-2."
"A-2? What's A-1? What's Plan B even?" Obi-Wan ignored the strange looks sent his way. Then again, he was a Jedi (hopeful, but the hope was torn off and smashed into smithereens, spat on, and set on fire by one Qui-Gon Jinn. Then again, it may or may not have been a collective decision as part of a conspiracy plotted by a Jedi autocracy composed suspiciously of Master Yoda's lineage), so the stares didn't last long.
"Plan A-1 is punching the collar off your throat," Sakura replied serenely, she looked younger than twelve in that moment. Obi-Wan can only stare. To the onlooker, it looked as if he was staring into nothing, rather reminiscent of someone who went to three wars and wondered how he got so unlucky not to have died in the battlefield and conveniently forgot to attend all his counselling sessions.
Sakura grinned, flipping her semi-transparent pink hair. "Just joking, I meant to do this actually."
Her translucently pale hand passed through his collar, she stuck her tongue out in concentration. Then she made a whoop in victory when the device fell, threat neutralised.
"Ha! Easy peasy, they used to taught us how to get out of binders and other stuff like that."
"But… you lived in a very primitive world compared to this as you conveniently told me about your childhood and community a few days ago before I was shipped out, and you used ropes. And flimsi. Magic flimsi, but flimsi still. How can you possibly compare it to technology thousands of years advanced from yours?"
"Well… look! A convenient boulder I can teach you how to punch through with the use of my ancient and powerful technique that people conveniently forgot either because of poor book keeping, refusal to teach others because of something like military trade secret or the hopeful student being unworthy, laser-guided amnesia, or no one for some reason or the other managed to replicate it! Come on!"
Obi-Wan followed her dubiosly, avoiding the accusing stares. Accusing him of what he does not know. Perhaps doubts of his sanity prevented them from trying to ask him to free them. Never mind tgat, he had an evil plot to thwart.
"Tell me again, why does this super rich and super powerful businessman so interested in turning this world full of natural resources into an industrial ruin? I mean, more money yes, but there are safe and environment-friendly methods in extracting metal and precious stones? I mean, wouldn't it be more beneficial to keep your workers in a healty environment to avoid things like unnecessary deaths and a drain in resources like manpower needed to take other species as slaves? That is not cheap."
"Well, that is true, but we are currently fighting someone who basically represents all the bad things of a capitalist system gone wrong. Or is it communism? Either way, Xanatos and Offworld is an example of ideals and bigotry of super bigoted and greedy corporate higher class people born with privilege and power that goes with nepotism tend to be." Obi-Wan paused, pensive. "Speaking of which, will this somehow affect my worldview of the political class and how capitalist corporations and religious organisations have influence in the government and other administrative positions."
"I dunno. As someone who benefited from an autocratic oligarchy due to getting married to someone who held a position of power, friends with people in positions of power, and being someone who was once in a position of power - a quick disclaimer - I was generally unaware of many declassified and off the books operations that involved other departments, seeing as my position of power was in healthcare. Which is why I will not vehemently defend your democratic system with a structure that makes no sense to me because we choose leaders by measuring how good they are at punching."
"Ah."
"Yes, now gather your chakra-"
"-the Force, you mean?"
"-yes, chakra, the Force, chi, magic, mana - what have you - on your fist."
Skeptical, Obi-Wan did as was told, gathering the waves of energy around his clenched fist. He focused most of the Force there,waiting for further instructions. "Okay."
"Then punch that boulder -also, release all that nice and pent up potential energy into a gigantic burst of kinetic energy. Kinda like setting off a bomb, but with punching."
"Oh-kaaaay…" Still, Obi-Wan did as was told, pulling his arm back before punching the stone. He let the Force explode outwards, a powerful shock wave rippling across the boulder before it shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.
"On your first try, too! Well, that means you have excellent chakra-"
"-the Force-"
"-control! Which makes the next stuff easier."
Why? Why could it not have been a haunted orange, or something? What happened to the epic holocron? The internal battle between light and dark. Overcoming an evil spirit by the power of the Code, friendship, and no attachments.
"That's pretty counter-intuitive," Sakura commented off-habdedly. "Power of friendship, yet no attachments? Kinda like saying chocolate cake without the cake, or chocolate. Instead, it's something evil like mocha buttercream."
Obi-Wan raised a brow. "Hush, I'm still fantasizing my inevitable heroic sacrifice, near suicidal recklessness, adrenaline junkie tendencies, and extremely internalised insecurity that could have been potentially resolved by regular counselling sessions. Lots and lots of counselling sessions."
"You know, we never had that luxury since we tended to have plenty of operations that involved classified stuff civilians are not allowed to hear without signing a waiver and consent to have black ops monitor them 24/7 for the rest of their lives."
"I think I will look back into this in twenty years before I can confidently say 'I feel you.'" Obi-Wan tried to pat her on the back. Sakura's translucency made it ineffective. Still, she appreciated it all the same. "For now, leave me to my fantasies of crushed hopes of heroism bought upon by an internalised desire to look for meaning in life onset by an early existential crisis born out of the lack of world experience and further nurtured by strict dogma and cult-ish manner of child-rearing and developed fear of disappointing an ever stagnating Big Brother figure thinly disguised as the Jedi equivalent of an autocratic oligarchy."
"Okay, but while you are fantasizing your somewhat cynical heroic tale, let me tell you the time when I had an existential crisis because a reptilian old man decided he wants my future husband's body at the age of twelve and convinced my husband to run away with him. They lived together for about two years."
"Where were the cops?"
"He is the cops."
"Oh my."
"Ha! If he was here now, he'd be in absolute denial it was a love affair…. Well, technically it isn't, but it was absolutely fun teasing him about it."
"Technically?"
"Well, my husband had to learn a few things that took about two years before the snake person tried to take his body. It was more of a possession thing, though. Turns out snake person is a body surfer."
"I see…."
"Everything got better though."
"And your death and status as a ghost is a testament to what exactly?"
"That leaving your spirit asleep in a ribbon can be pretty boring."
"How boring, exactly?" Oh nice, the two arrived wherever they were supposed to.
"Deathly boring," Sakura replied gravely.
Obi-Wan groaned.