Pairing: Tosh/Ianto friendship! Jack/Ianto
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Words: ~1800
Spoilers: Cyberwoman, Greeks Bearing Gifts, Exit wounds
Warnings: Self harm, suicide attempt, major character death (canon), blood, depression
"How are you Ianto?" Tosh had been worried for quite some time. He seemed alright, acted like it, all small smiles and mischievous comments. But she'd read his mind a few weeks ago, and she couldn't forget. He was hurting, so very much, what if he hurt himself? Sitting down across from him, she tried a reassuring smile. They were alone in the Hub, they often were in the evenings, Jack usually going out weevil-hunting or roof-prowling, depending on his mood.
"I'm alright." Ianto offered his Polite Smile, the perfect mask. He'd smile the same way and give the same answer if he was dying.
Maybe he is.
"No, you're not." Tosh reached over, gently squeezing his hand. He flinched in surprise, looking away. "Talk to me. Please." It sounded awkward to her own ears, she was new to this, but she had to try.
"I'm fine," Ianto insisted, withdrawing his hand, getting up. "More coffee?"
-'-'-
He's not fine. Oh my god, why didn't I- What do I do? Focus, Toshiko. Stop the bleeding. Oh god, so much blood.
"You'll be fine, love. You'll be fine," she mumbled, grabbing some bandages from one of Owen's drawers. He'd cut deep. Of course he'd cut deep. "Ianto, Ianto stay with me." She quickly wound the bandages tightly around his wrists, praying to whatever deity who'd listen. "Ianto," she repeated, slapping his cheeks, trying to get a response.
Think, Tosh, think. You're a genius, you can do this. You can fix anything. Her fingers left bloodstains on Ianto's pale cheeks. I should have forced him to talk. Oh god oh god. Snap out of it! Focus, Tosh. Deep breaths. Solve the problem. What assets do you got? Her mind showed her a quick inventory of the things she'd seen Owen use over the years.
The laser saw.
She scrambled over to Owen's territory once again, searching the drawers.
"Come on come on come on. Yes! No, dammit!" Low on battery. "You will work," Tosh demanded, hysteria in her voice. Removing the soaked bandage on Ianto's left wrist, she pressed the button, swallowing down her panic. The wound closed slowly but didn't disappear, leaving a thin, pink scar. She hurriedly did the other, hands trembling a bit. After finishing, she checked his pulse. "You'll be fine," she promised, stroking his hair. "We're alike, you and I. We'll look after each other." Pulling him into her lap, she kissed his forehead. "We'll be fine, you and I, Ianto. We'll get through this." She hugged him, rocking slowly back and forth, mind completely blanc. "You and me, Ianto. We'll be just fine. "
When the adrenaline rush and shock wore off she cried and cried and cried, entire body shaking.
-'-'-
"How are you, Ianto?" Tosh handed him his coffee, sitting down across from him at the cozy café.
"I'm... better." He smiled hesitantly, taking a sip. "You?"
"Better," she answered truthfully, smiling as she sipped her own coffee. They met every Sunday, going to some cafe or Tosh's place. They had 'sinful coffee', real cream and a hint of caramel, because they bloody well deserved it.
"How was your week?" Ianto asked, because that's how their Sunday-chats always began.
"I got this-" she made a searching gesture. "Did I tell you about it? The-"
"The thingy-" Ianto supplied, nodding, eyes narrowing in thought.
"Yes! The alien... thingy." Sharing a look, they burst out laughing. "Aaanyway," Tosh continued. "I still haven't figured out what it does, but it's been whirring, and-" She interrupted herself. "I'm boring you," she said sheepishly.
"Never." Ianto smiled, a genuine smile reaching his blue eyes. These past few months had done him good. She hadn't told anyone about his attempt. He'd begged her not to, so she hadn't. She'd erased the CCTV footage, cleaned up the blood and destroyed the evidence.
We'll look after each other.
"You really do seem happier," Tosh said, unwillingly glancing at his wrists. Ianto tugged at the sleeves of his jacket, swallowing. She'd used the cuts against him, blackmailing him into talking to her. It had developed from there to this unexpected close friendship.
"Jack..." Ianto said, hesitating. "Jack makes me happy." He cleared his throat, abashed, eyes flickering to her face.
"Jack. Makes you happy. As in... very happy," she asked, waggling her eyebrows, wanting Ianto to confirm it.
"Yep," he muttered, cheeks reddening.
Oh. Dearie me. Who'd have thought?
"Happy ending happy?" Tosh teased, giggling, nudging him with her foot under the table.
"Oh, definitely," Ianto said smugly, showing off his wicked streak, eyes becoming unfocused for a moment. "Uh-huh..."
"My, my. So are you-?"
"We just. Dabble," Ianto interrupted, shrugging stiffly. "I think it's a bit like we talked about." He kept his eyes on his greyish coffee, still not very comfortable talking about feelings and difficult things. That made two of them, but they still did it, both of them having a tendency to bottle things up, existing instead of living, enduring instead of dealing with things and move on.
Which was a bad thing, as they'd both learned the hard way. "I need someone." He paused. "I know he cares about me, like he cares about the rest of the team. It's casual but not... not casual, not like when-" he cleared his throat, stopping himself at the last second.
Not like when Owen- yeah.
"He cares, and we have fun and-" Ianto paused again, searching for words.
"And it's good to feel good," Tosh filled in for him. Ianto nodded.
"And it is good," he smirked.
"Ianto! Sound's like Jack's rubbing off on you." Ianto snickered. "Don't tell me," she laughed.
-'-'-
"How are you Ianto?" Tosh asked, leaning against his desk. They hadn't had their Sunday-chat for awhile now, Ianto becoming distant after Jack disappeared. Besides, they'd all had their hands full, being one man short, but today there were alone for once. Gwen spending time with Rhys and Owen with anyone who'd want him. She tried not to think to closely about that.
"Fine," Ianto insisted, Polite Smile firmly in place. He followed Myfanwy with his eyes, the pteryodactyl making lazy circles above their heads.
"Don't give me that," Tosh insisted, repressing the urge to shake him. Ianto looked questioningly at her, like he didn't know. Like she'd asked him something silly. "Ianto," he tried again.
"I'm... holding up," he finally said. "We all are," he added quickly, making his statement impersonal.
"Yeah." Tosh stared emptily at nothing while Ianto rose and walked off. She was tired. Not just it's-bloody-one-in-the-morning-tired, though she was that too, longing for her bed, but someone had to keep an eye on things and Jack had left them.
She was tired to the bone. Weary. Too old for her age, too young for her responsibilities. She needed a break but there just wasn't time. And she felt ridiculous, but Tosh had to blink away sudden tears, because everything is messed up. Jack's missing and she's scared and she's lonely, she misses Ianto even though he's right there, and what if Jack doesn't come back-
"Coffee?" Ianto asked, setting the cup in front of her without waiting for an answer. It was greyish, with lots of cream and, yes, she noticed as she took a sip, was sweetened by a lick of caramel.
"Thank you, Ianto," she said, not sure how to express how grateful she really was. Exchanging careful smiles, Tosh took her first deep breath in what felt like forever, some of the tension leaving her body.
"We look after each other," Ianto answered just as quietly, unwilling to break the unusual stillness in the hub. "Besides, good coffee has to be shared," he stated, nodding to himself. Making a thoughtful face he takes a sip. "Coffee-toffee," he decided, drawing a laugh from her.
Tosh wanted to hug him because that was just so Ianto, something so familiar, a part of something she'd come to define as home.
-'-'-
"How are you Ianto?"
"All the better for having you back sir."
-'-'-
Ianto stared unseeingly at the ceiling, listening to Jack's even breathing beside him, sleep refusing to drag him under. He saw them, every time he closed his eyes he saw her laying at the bottom of the stairs, heard Owen's angry, scared screams recorded automatically by the computer.
The blood trail. Her small, frail body and unseeing dark eyes.
He hadn't cried and it was Lisa all over again. He couldn't cry because he'd break, and Tosh wasn't there to pick up the pieces this time. He needed to talk, but he always talked to her and how is he supposed to deal with this?
Tosh. God. We were supposed to look after each other. I'm so sorry. He swallowed thickly, giving up and getting out of bed. The clock on the wall in his kitchen read 00.01. Officially Sunday. The first Sunday since-
He'd stolen her cup from the hub, and now he cradled it between his hands, eyes closed, remembering every single Sunday, remember how she saved his life when he'd finally snapped.
I miss you Tosh. He silently made coffee, real cream and a lick of caramel. He was scared to feel, because if he'd feel he'd break and he didn't know if he was strong enough to pick up the pieces again. Especially not alone.
"I miss you Tosh," he said out loud, sitting down by his small kitchen table. "They held you while you died and I just couldn't- But I know you'd understand. That's the thing about you, Tosh, you get it." He pushed the cup away, suddenly choking on the smell.
Hearing Jack's footsteps behind him, he turned his head to look at him. He's become more affectionate since- And that was nice, though Ianto wished he had someone to confide in. Someone to tell how confused he felt, how exhilarating it was when Jack casually threw his arm around his shoulders in public.
He makes me happy, Tosh. But I wouldn't be here without you.
"Hey." Jack laid a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. Ianto covered his hand with his, closing his eyes, trying to find the numbness again.
"Hey." He won't break. He doesn't need to talk about this, he'll manage. He always have and always will.
It only takes four gentle words to break him.
"How are you Ianto?"