I woke with a start, feeling something wrong. Someone was watching me.
"Don't worry. It's just me," a velvet voice came from beside me. I squinted at the space beside the window, but all I could see of him was a dark mass.
"Oh, you're back," I breathed, letting my head fall back onto the pillow. Edward had been hunting the past weekend with his brothers, and I hadn't expected to see him until the morning. "Good."
"Good night," he said, and I could hear the hint of a smile curving his lips.
"Hmm," I hummed back, closing my eyes again. I was too tired to say anything more, and too tired to wonder why he was staying at the other side of the room. I thought I heard him say something else, but I was already too far gone to hear what he had said.
The sound of the front door shutting woke me up the next morning, and I breathed a deep sigh, rolling over to rest on Edward. When I couldn't feel him anywhere, I opened my eyes. There he was, sitting on the rocking chair on the far side of my room. A smile tugged at my lips, remembering seeing him there that first morning I woke up with him. His eyes were closed, and his face was completely blank. He could have passed off for sleeping if he weren't sitting so still and straight.
"Good morning," I greeted him. It felt great to see him after a whole weekend alone‒it was as though the clouds had cleared and the sun was shining again, although I could see the signs of another overcast day through my window.
"Good morning," he replied, but his eyes stay closed. His voice sounded tense and troubled, a contradiction to his perfectly smooth face.
"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned. Even though I knew he wouldn't ever leave again, I couldn't help but wonder if he had been brooding this past night. That would explain him staying out of my bed, if he was upsetting himself.
"Why don't you get ready for school?" was his only reply. I noticed how he not-so-subtly avoided my question, but I decided not to mention it. Without another word I slipped out of bed and went to the bathroom.
When I came back, Edward was in the exact position I had left him in, with his eyes still shut. While all I wanted to do was run to him and curl up on his lap, something kept me lingering by the door. He must had heard me come in, because he breathed a deep sigh.
"Bella, there's something I need to tell you," he said. The tone of his voice was really starting to worry me. He sounded like he was scared, and the only other times I had heard even the slightest hint of fear in his voice, somebody's life was in danger. That somebody being me.
"What?" I tried to respond, but the world only came out as a horse whisper.
He opened his eyes, and suddenly all I saw was red. Crimson red. My head spun in circles, and my heart beat so wildly I was sure it would burst through my chest. His beautiful topaz eyes were gone, now replaced with eyes I didn't recognize. I held a hand up to the door frame to support myself, and I felt like I might faint. I leaned my head against the wall, breathing hard. I shut my eyes tight, not wanting to see any more, but the red still flashed beneath my eyelids, haunting me.
"Bella," Edward said, and I could hear the stress in his voice. He seemed to be at a loss for words just like I was, though, because he didn't say anything else.
"What did you do?" I said, and it came out as a strangled cry. I tried not to imagine the limp bodies of a friend, a neighbor, discarded on the forest floor. He remained silent, and I opened my eyes. He was shaking his head back and forth, staring at the floor, his face screwed up in pain.
"I… I don't know. I don't know." He lifted his face to meet my eyes, and it looked as though he was crying, in his own way. "I am so sorry, Bella," he breathed, and, all of a sudden, I recognized him again. He was still Edward.
I slid down the wall, seating myself on the floor. "What happened?" I asked. The hysteria seemed to be leaving my voice now that I had gotten over the initial shock, and I stared at his eyes, trying to decipher what I saw. They were terrifying‒that much I was certain of. But underneath the angry layer of red, I could see him, and I saw that he was terrified too, possibly even more than I was. He looked away, as though he was uncomfortable of my scrutiny.
"I think… I think that I'd had enough. I think that I hit my breaking point. I don't know if it's that vampires aren't meant to live off of just the blood of animals, though that's probably not true. I mean, look at Carlisle. Look at the rest of my family." His face screwed up and he choked a sob before he continued, his words coming out in a rush. "It must be that I'm not strong enough. I'm not good enough to be… to be good." His eyes flitted back to mine. He looked naked, and the most vulnerable I had ever seen him.
Without a moment's hesitation, I got up and crossed the room to where he was. "Edward," I murmured, and I sat on his lap and laid my head against his chest, smoothing my hands over his arms. He froze, and I looked up. He was still watching me, his eyes guarded and frightened.
"Are you okay? I mean, with my scent?" I mentally bashed myself over the head, realizing I didn't yet know if he would now have less control over himself around human blood or not.
"No, I'm fine. It's okay. It's just… are you scared?" I thought carefully for a moment before I answered. I knew that he would see right through me if I answered too quickly. But then, I knew that I could never be scared of him. He could never hurt me, no matter what.
"No. I'm not," I replied, and his eyes immediately began to clear up. He breathed a sigh of relief and closed his eyes, resting his head on the back of the chair again. He was still as still as a rock, however, and my pulse sped up a little. I hated seeing him stressed.
"Who was it?" I asked. I tried my best to keep any traces of anxiety out of my voice, so as to not worry him.
"No one from here," he quickly said, and I closed my eyes in relief. He continued, though his voice was noticeably more strained as he explained. "It was a hiker, in the mountains. I was by myself, and the moment I smelled him, I just…" his voice trailed off, and I knew we were both thinking the same question. What if he snapped now, or any other time he was with me, just like he did then? Neither of us had ever considered it a possibility, not in over a year.
"Hey," I said, and I waited until his eyes met mine. "It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay." I had never before seen him as such of a nervous wreck as this, and although the circumstances were not exactly opportune, I was glad for the chance to be there for him the way he always was for me.
"Bella," he said in a tone that screamed he thought I was being crass.
"Does anyone else know?" I asked, ignoring the implications his voice threw at me.
"Alice probably saw. I don't know. I came here straight after. After I made sure I was in control," he added, as though he was still worried I would begin to fear him. "I don't know, here was just the only place I thought to go. It was so stupid. I'm sorry‒"
"Edward," I cut him off. "Stop apologizing. I'm glad you came," I reassured him. If anything, I liked the fact that the first place he thought to come to was to me. "We'll figure this out together, right?"
He looked into my eyes, and it looked as though he was searching for something. After a long moment, he nodded his head.
"Good. Now, what are you going to do? Are you coming to school?" I immediately thought of what our friends' reactions would be if Edward showed up to school with red eyes, and grimaced.
"No, I think it's best if I stay home today. I should talk to my family…" he dropped his gaze, and I knew what he was thinking.
"They won't be disappointed, Edward. You don't need to worry."
"I don't know if I'll be able to go back, though. Go back to living just on animals. And how can I live with them like that?" His voice became pleading, as though he was grasping at straws for a solution, and he knew it.
"Then you can come live with me. But that won't need to happen." I didn't mention how much I would love for that to happen. "Just you watch, it'll all work out."
"How are you okay with this?" he asked then, and I could hear the rising astonishment in his voice.
The truth was, I didn't know. After giving it a little thought, I supposed that it shouldn't have come as so much of a shock to me. I had always known that everything was so perfect, too perfect, to last. Even with this, I should still have been feeling lucky. I quickly felt a rush of shame burn through my cheeks at that thought, however. Did I really just think that I should feel lucky that people being killed by my boyfriend wasn't too bad of a problem to deal with in a relationship? No matter what, though, I knew that I couldn't take that thought back. I supposed that love wasn't only blind, but violent too.
"Because it's you," I finally responded. And the moment I said it, I knew I was speaking the truth. My words rang through the air between us with honesty and love, and I furtively hoped he could feel it too. I knew without a doubt that Edward was a pure, kind, beautiful person, and nothing could change that. He couldn't go against nature forever.
"You just have a little drinking problem, that's all," I said, trying to lighten his mood a bit.
"Bella Swan, you never cease to amaze me."
"I love you. You know that, right?"
"I should think that that would be obvious by now," he said, burying his face in my hair.
I tucked my head back under his neck, wondering, with mixed feelings of dread and readiness that I kept silenced, where this new little problem would take us.