Neo Dissidia Special

A Valentine's Fantasy

Part 1: The Love Gurus

Well, it's February, and you know what that means! That's Right- African American History Month!

I'm kidding, of course (though that is technically true) - it means the now passed by Valentine's Day! Why would I celebrate it with a special this late in the month? 1: Because I only got the idea a couple days before that. 2. Because no one would expect it and I'd be safe from counters that would still be kindly (I've probably just jinxed myself). 3: I need practice in writing romance so I went with my all-time favorite pairing, the one that made me actually care about shipping: Cloud/Terra- or Terra/Cloud; whichever one is you think is on top. Valentine's Day provided the perfect opportunity to test that.

This isn't what I was implying when I said new stuff would be coming this month (and if I have any say in the matter- it will), so this was kind of spur of the moment; similar to this fic's prequel/spiritual successor Happy Birthday, Terra!

Special Thanks go to TheMoonclaw, who indirectly and unintentionally inspired me to continue working on this through a review response!

Edit: 3/1/2013: New details added to enhance the experience.

Edit 3/3/2013: One-shot spilt into two-shot to make it easier to read.

Now sit back and enjoy the show!

Ah, Valentine's Day… a day of love and romance. A day of hearts-

"KINGDOM HEARTS!"an old bald man with amber eyes yelled out.

….Ignoring that. Most of all, Valentine's Day is a day of lovers; so for those who either don't have one or are absent, it is…

"It's just another day with an unnecessary label." A certain spiky blonde-haired not-SOLDIER groaned, annoyed by the abundance of Valentines decorations around the halls of the Goddess's Tower.

The Onion Knight was following him as they walked towards their next destination in mild curiosity nod, "Tell me about it." He murmured.

Cloud an eyebrow, turning his head to face him, "Why you?"

The child shook his head, "Are you kidding? All of the girly stuff and the cooties and that mushy stuff…"

Cloud rolled his eyes, feeling a rare small grin on his face, 'It's easy to forget he's still a kid at heart given how mature he acts most of the time.'

Luneth took notice of this, "What, what is it?"

Cloud shook his head, "Nothing."

The golden-blond haired Onion Knight bowed his head and sighed, "Right…" He turned his attention back towards the not-SOLDIER, "What about you?"

It was Cloud's turn to sigh, "After the haphazard relationship I've had with Tifa before things finally broke, I don't want end up hurting anyone else like I did her... or Aerith. .. I'm not sure..."

The Onion Knight nodded, "I remember that…" He gave the man a determined glare, "But she's managed to move on- you helped her do it! Isn't time you should do the same?"

Cloud kept silent at this, 'It should- you're right. But…'

"How about someone else in our ranks? Like…" Luneth thought it over for a good minute before realizing, "There aren't many single picks in our ranks…"

Cloud counted them off, "Lightning…is like my sister. We're essentially the same. Gill: I don't know her well enough. Maria: ditto. Rydia: an option, but I think that Edge guy would kill me if I tried. Faris…is a cross-dresser. Prishe: too young... or maybe not- she is immortal, but still. Shantotto: do I need to tell you the answer?"

"That pretty much counts out every single woman among Cosmos's warriors; both old and new." The boy mused. He snapped his fingers, "What about Terra?"

Cloud stopped in his tracks. He turned back to Luneth, a blank expression on his face, "…Terra?"

"Terra. She's single, and could use someone else there for her... what was the way Rinoa put it: like a Sorceress Knight?"

Cloud shut his eyes, mulling that over in his head.

The boy took that silence as a cue to continue, "She really enjoyed that date awhile back. I don't think I've seen her that happy before..."

"…I don't know."

Luneth furrowed his brow, but Cloud gave him a look signifying he didn't want to talk about, so decided to instead change the subject a bit, "Why don't you go see some kind of love guru? I heard about one not too far away from here."

Cloud didn't say anything, but did consider the suggestion…

'Why the hell are you doing this, Cloud? Why the hell are you doing this?!'

The meeting had ended (Cosmos was going to host a Valentine's Day dance of sorts) and Cloud once again faced the challenge of his most dreaded adversary: his 'feelings' (Oh Cosmos that's cheesy).

Not quite his forte. The fact that he lost one of the two women he had truly loved and almost saw his second killed, he wasn't very comfortable with officially courting a third. That is where this 'love doctor' comes in: to help him deal with those emotions and help him pursue his interests.

Cloud found his way to the place Luneth must have heard about. It was a quaint little lavender doctor's office, with a heart-shaped, pastel yellow sign depicting a blue male symbol on the left and a hot pink female symbol on the right. In between these two symbols were light green letters that read: "M&Z Love Consultants".

'Why do I have a funny feeling about this?' Cloud thought to himself as he entered the building. Inside was a small waiting room that had a few chairs, a couch, and a magazine rack. Cloud went up to the front desk and saw that the receptionist was…

"Cait Sith?" Cloud asked a disbelieving look on his face.

Sure enough, the cat robot riding a big weird Moogle robot was right there, smiling at him. "Good to see you again, Cloud! I take it you're here for your appointment?"

Cloud just stared for a few seconds before registering what the animatronic cat said. Cloud raised an eyebrow, "I already have an appointment?"

Cait Sith laughed, "Why, of course! Your little friend Luneth made one for you just a few hours ago!"

'That little sneak…' Cloud shook his head: he'd deal with his and Terra's charge later. What important now was getting this done, "Right… so do I just go in or..?"

"They're already waiting for you."

The not-SOLDIER nodded, "Understood. Thanks."

"No problem!" Cait Sith's Moogle-bot pointed to the door, which opened automatically afterwards. Cloud hesitated for a second; debating whether or not he should still go through with this since that weird feeling from earlier had returned in full force.

"Here goes nothing…" Cloud muttered to himself as he entered the doctors' office…

"HI!"

Cloud facepalmed as he saw who these 'love gurus' really were, "M&Z… Mew and Zidane- why did I not see this coming?"

The unorthodox duo (both parts of other, more significant duos) were sitting on reclining office chairs, both with matching grins of most likely mischief. Zidane kept smiling and responded, "Mm-hm! You guessed correct! You wanted love doctors-"

"-And now you having two of the greatest masters of seduction! So…what romantic fancy has you in a knot this fine Valentine's Eve?"

The older blonde clutched his temples, "You perverts had this planned from the beginning, didn't you? That's how and why Luneth knew about this…"

"We can see your intimacy issues a mile away, pal! We just thought that it was time from for you to take a nice, tall glass of stop being such a homo and come clean! Speaking of which…" Mew motioned Cloud to a lounge chair in the back of the room.

Cloud sighed, turning away, "Screw this, I'm leaving. I don't have to take your cracks at my failures."

"Wait-!" Zidane reached out to pull the not-SOLDIER back, but was stopped by Mew's psychic powers holding him in place. The ex-thief could only watch as Cloud left the building.

He turned towards the pink cat/bunny/fetus/sperm thing and gave it an, "What the hell was that about!"

"It wouldn't have worked."

"Why are you suddenly going against this, it was your plan in the first place!"

Mew shrugged and waved it off, "I'm only doing this because Mike's close to those two and Luneth- I couldn't care less about their love-lives if you paid me…" Mew paused in thought for a second, before jovially adding, "That, and Chocobo-head is fun to mess with!"

The Genome crossed his arms, "Then what is the point of all this? Why did you drag me into it?"

Mew gave a knowing grin at him, "Oh, we're not done here- he'll be back…"

Zidane tilted his head in curiosity, "What makes you so sure?"

"Do you know what the other place providing this kind of service is?"

Cloud walked up to another building, this one looked more professional- being a brick-layered building with a simple plate reading, "HC Consultants".

The blonde walked into the office and was greeted with another pair of therapists.

"HHHIIII!"

Cloud's eyes twitched violently at the sight…

Cloud walked back to Zidane and Mew, a disturbed expression on his face.

Mew grinned, "Welcome back."

"Did you miss us?" Zidane teased; a more victorious smirk on his face than the pink Pokémon.

Cloud glared at them, "You're lucky that Hojo and Corneo are the only other consultants available…"

"Shall we get started?"

Cloud reluctantly nodded, still uncomfortable that he was going to listen to advice from two of the biggest perverts he knew, 'It could be worse. Zidane has morals and wouldn't stoop very low. Mew, though…" The older blonde shuddered, 'Who knows what he/she would recommend. At least it's Zidane it decided to partner with- and not Edgar if what Terra told me is true.'

"Hey, even I think he's disgusting. He's slept with every female in his kingdom!"

Cloud turned to the pink furball, startled, "Did you just read my mind?"

"Well, I am a psychic type, so duh. On that topic, he wasn't always that bad, but after Kefka was killed before the gathering, he took it upon himself to help 'repopulate the world'.

Cloud massaged his temples, trying to get rid of the images that brought to mind, "You're still worse than him, you know."

"I know- I've also have an impressive list of conquest from the Pokémon in my world and the other genetically similar creatures in this world. For example, you know Terra's chocobo?"

"Stop! I don't want to hear it!"

"Were you talking about me?" The two turned their heads to see Zidane starring at them confused.

'Ah… Mew must have only been telepathically communicating to me- not both of us…'

Mew brushed his concern off, "Nah, we were talking about a different blonde pervert- don't worry…that said, you were pretty bad yourself before you met Garnet."

This was only communicated to Zidane, who shrugged, "I know."

"Are we going to get started already?" Cloud asked, starting to get tired at this exchange.

"Sure!" the two sat down and Mew held out a clipboard and pen for its own use, "To start, let's go over your interesting history, shall we?" the blue-eye pink cat/bunny began.

"The short version- just give us a summary." Zidane added.

"Right…" Cloud sighed, ready to divulge memories both joyous and painful, "Well, the first crush I ever had was for Tifa…" Cloud smiled, "What I wanted out of everything else back then was her attention."

"I thought you were childhood friends?"

"Actually…no, we weren't- she hardly knew I was there until the day I left to join SOLDIER. Back on topic- when Teef was only 8 and I was 10, something… bad happened that I was blamed for by the whole town.

"Did they find out about your small penis size?"

Cloud and Mew gave Zidane offended looks.

Zidane shrugged, "Hey, with that sword, we all know you're overcompensating for something."

Cloud was about to retort, but Mew interjected, "Actually, he isn't overcompensating for that." The New Species Pokémon gave the not-SOLDIER a knowing look, "After all, his sword isn't the only buster sword in his arsenal."

Cloud and Zidane were disturbed by this. Cloud's eyes widened, "Wait a minute… are you saying you saw me naked?"

Mew snorted, "I have both pictures AND footage of ALL of you in the buff!"

Zidane flinched, "How-!"

"I can go invisible at will and can hide anything else that would point me out- I can be anywhere and you would never know."

Cloud paled at the knowledge, but Zidane's eye lit up the realization. With a lecherous grin, he asked, "So you have footage of all of us, right?"

"Mm-hm! It's mostly for blackmail, but I've gotten a little other something from it as well."

"Could you show the girls' to me?"

"ZIDANE!" Cloud roared fiercely at him, disgusted at both of them.

"What? I was just going to see if-"

"Don't you have a wife now?"

Zidane got right up to his ear and whispered, "Fiancé. I'm better than that now: I'm just going to burn Dagger's… I don't want that little freak to have influence over her."

"Can we get back on topic now?" Cloud asked, giving the thief an almost invisible nod of understanding that thankfully went unnoticed by the perverted pink legend.

"Sure, go ahead." Zidane gave the older blonde a thumbs up. Mew had watched the exchange in curiosity since he/she couldn't read Zidane's thoughts (he didn't put thought into it, so it was out of his/her reach).

"Right then…" Cloud picked up from where they had left off, "Tifa's mom died and she made herself believe that her mom wasn't, but waiting for her at Mt. Nibel-"

"Question; was she born stupid or did that come along right then?"

Cloud glared at the pink pest.

"I mean, from that to hiding her suspicions about you not being you and almost dooming your entire world, it takes a special kind of-"

Mew soon found itself knocked against the wall out cold by a punch from Cloud, with Zidane humming the Final Fantasy victory theme for him.

"Nice shot!" Zidane praised, "But can we get back to the story?"

"Right…" After giving the cat/bunny/sperm shaped Pokémon one more glare, he continued, "She climbed up the mountain and fell off rickety bridge. I tried to save her, but failed."

"That'll work; next subject."

"Right… did I already tell you about the promise I made to Tifa before I tried to join SOLDIER?"

"No, but Tifa told me about that in her session over a month ago."

Both Cloud AND Zidane did a doubletake at quickly turned their heads to see Mew wake back up, and he/she continued, "She told me all about the Nibelheim incident the all the pretty details involved, so you can skip all of that."

Cloud glare at him/her one more time, then let out a frustrated sigh of resignation, "Will do…." 'Nothing I do is going to shut that cat-bunny-thing up; just move on Cloud' "Anyway, when I saw Tifa-"

"Wait a minute- I don't know what happened…" Zidane interjected, "Would you mi-"

"I'll forcibly insert that information telepathically into your mind later, now let's get on with!" Mew waived off.

"Wait-WHAT?!" the ex-thief held his hands up pleadingly, "Can we maybe not do that? I don't like the sound of tha-"

"Then it's settled! Now onto your love story…"

Zidane frowned and flipped the psychic off. Cloud resumed his tale, "When I met her again it was when the Jenova cells and Hojo infused me with gave me an altered personality based off the cockiness I once attributed to SOLDIER 1st Class and the stories Zack told me about his experiences before he died. Tifa knew something was up when she found me, but kept quiet about it until the last possible second- at which point everything had already gone to hell…"

"Ouch." Zidane winced, but paused, "Wait a minute- what happened? And what-"

"Insertion…" Mew injected in a sing-song voice (it was still a telepathic one, as usual), shutting the thief up.

Cloud clenched his fists as he remembered what had happened because of that, 'I don't blame Tifa personally for that, but it still infuriates me just a little bit when I consider that fact…. Might be why Tifa seemed upset at times before that happened- she still blames herself… good thing she moved on to someone with good experience on that front…'

"Agreed. It is a good thing she left a source of guilt behind to start fresh- Cloud, your love life is one of the most complicated I've ever heard." Mew deadpanned, having read its client's thought yet again, "I honestly can't blame Teef from moving away from that mess to a more comfortable best friendship."

The pink pest shoved its muzzle right into his visage, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! How could you pass up THE BOOBS! LOOK AT THEM! THEY ARE WONDERS OF NATURE! THEY ARE ALMOST AS BIG AS I AM AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE SAGGY TO DO SO!"

Cloud tried to push the frenzied Pokémon away, "Technically, I was the one that en-"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER! WHY WOULD YOU WANT ANYONE ELSE- GO FOR THE TITS!"

"You realize that that my best friend has plenty of other redeeming-"

"DO YOU KNOW THE THINGS I WOULD TO FOR THE-!"

BASH!

Mew let out a small growl as it fell unconscious for the last time (hopefully), Zidane having hit a pressure point.

Cloud repositioned himself on his seat and sent a text to someone with his phone regarding what had just transpired, "Thanks for that- Mew's annoying when he… she…" Cloud sent the text and offered his hand to Zidane, "-whatever Mew is, get's like that."

Zidane shook the offered hand, "No problem; I was happy to help." Zidane jumped back into his chair, "Now let's just focus on the here and now- what do you think about your options?"

Cloud waived it off, "I already went through them earlier…" He pointed up, "Earlier this chapter."

Zidane looked up beyond the 4th Wall as well and read what he was referring to, "Ah… okay then, then we really only have one- tell me your opinion on Terra."

Cloud closed his eyes, "Well, to be honest… She's one of the kindest, sweetest, gentlest people I've ever met. She always puts other people before herself and is willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's not easy to get her angry. Annoyed, sure, but you know you're screwed when she gets mad." He let out a snort at that, "When you've made her mad, that means you've done something really bad to her or someone she cares about- like the kids. You should be thankful her Esper half doesn't overwhelm her mind based off emotion but just sheer power, because there would be casualties involved in those rare instances."

Zidane flinched, remembering the first time he saw that happen, "No kidding. It always gets ugly when that occurs. Got to like a woman that can kick your ass, though."

Cloud shrugged, "I guess so…" Cloud slumped over in his seat, getting himself more relaxed, "What makes me have a sort of admiration of for her, though, is her strong will…" Cloud let out a somewhat bitter chuckle, "Gaia knows I had needed one four years ago."

Zidane rolled his eyes, "Yeah, yeah; Jenova and all that crap- we know all about that dead parasite. So get on to what you were going to say."

"Sorry about that." Cloud murmured quietly, before continuing with his previous train of thought, "Despite everything that happened to her in the past, like losing her memory, having her emotions dulled, dealing with her powers, more recently reliving regained memories involving her treatment by Kefka, she still keeps moving on." He paused as he reflected on one of his memories of her, opening his eyes, "She was even like that when I first met her in cycles- to an extent. Not as strong as the one we see now, but still."

Zidane kept quiet and motioned for the not-SOLDIER to keep go on, to which he continued, "Even after… that, she was still the one that resolved to carry on for their sake after some comfort and emotional support from me and Luneth… and that other guy."

Zidane grinned as he saw Cloud's eyes tell him he was almost ready, and asked, "So… when did these feelings start?"

"Not instantly… I guess it was slowly over the months I've spent around her; either traveling, fighting, or just doing our usual routines. We live in the same building now along with Tifa, Luneth, and his brother among others…"

"….So what's keeping you from committing yourself to an actual relationship? You've dated once or twice before, she does have an interest, and you've shown one just now. So what gives?"

Cloud's glowing blue Mako eyes glazed over in thought, "Well… to be honest… I don't want her to get hurt like Tifa did. The latter was almost paralyzed after that incident, and I don't want something like that to happen to Terra as well."

"So that's why you've been silent in that regard."

The two blondes turned around and saw a short, 17-year old boy with brown hair and eyes and decently tanned skin wearing blue pants and an orange hoodie leaning on the door way, smiling. At Zidane's questioning look, he asked Cloud, "You said something about my little 'brother' being here?"

Cloud nodded, and the boy gently grabbed Mew's unconscious form from the middle of the room, "I'll be taking that… he gets unstable when he hasn't taken his medication."

'That would explain his/her more-perverted-than-usual behavior….' both Warriors of Cosmos thought to themselves.

As the teen started to walk out of the room with him/her, he told the not-SOLDIER (not facing him), "On that subject, Terra has been waiting for another invitation to a date after the fun she had on that one for her birthday." The boy shook his head and turned around- glaring the blond-haired man, "Honestly... I dislike the notion of anyone getting that close to Terra. Period, and if you so much as lay one wrong finger on her, I'll shove keyblade up your ass and kick it to the moon..."

"I wo-"

"At the same time..." Mike interrupted, "Terra's happy around you. I want her to be happy... So let me make it clear, as her self-proclaimed little brother: if you break her heart, I'll break you in half." He pointed at the door, "So I'd get to doing whatever it is you want to do if I were you."

After that… lecture of sorts, he left the room and the fic with Mew.

"…"

"…"

"…Well, that kind of settles it, then." Cloud got out of his chair, "I'll be leaving now."

"Good luck!" Zidane called out as he left, "And bang her for me!"

Cloud flipped the thief off for that remark from behind his back as he left the building...