I do own neither Lord of the Rings nor the Fitin' Uruk-hai. I am, however, commissioner of the MEFL.
The Fitin' Uruk-hai
"But that would seat a crowd of thousands!"
"Tens of thousands."
"But my lord, there is no such crowd."
Saruman and Wormtongue stepped out onto the balcony and saw Saruman Stadium, packed with fans of the Fitin' Uruk-hai. Half the stadium was black, and the other half in many-colored sections. The crowd went wild when they saw Saruman. Wormtongue dropped his pennant. Saruman held up his hand, and the stadium turned white as the uruk-hai simultaneously held up their white foam hands.
"Tonight," Saruman announced, "we play football!"
It wasn't football season. But Saruman's newly formed Fitin' Uruk-hai were going to play an exhibition game against a team of Rohan all-stars. But when they reached Helm's Deep, the gates were closed.
"I thought Sharky said he covered the admission?" one orc muttered.
Then a lone arrow flew from behind the walls. An orc fell dead.
"I bet this is all because you killed their quarterback. What were you thinking?"
"Well, I'm on defense! What did you expect me to do?"
"It wasn't a game! You didn't have to do anything! And remember, there's no killing in this league."
"They just killed someone."
"Because you killed their quarterback! Great. Now they won't even let us in. Sharky should have come, but nooo, he wanted to watch it on the palantir."
Meanwhile, back at Isengard...
Wormtongue was mixing up some chip dip while Saruman relaxed in front of the palantir. He liked it better than TV because there were no commercials. He was really tired of seeing Gandalf in the Gap of Rohan commercials. "White is the new gray!" Psh. They were so behind the times. Saruman had moved on to many colors, but did they follow his example? Nooo. It was all about Gandalf. And that Green Dragon commercial... ugh! That song was always getting stuck in his head. The only brew for the brave and true... gah! Not again! Sure, on the palantir he ran into Sauron once in awhile, but hey, it was worth it. And he'd gotten some great ideas from Sauron, too.
Then they heard singing. And hooming. "Wow, you can hear the crowd from here!" said Saruman.
"I don't think that was the crowd."
"Why not? What else would it be?"
"I don't know. But orcs don't say hoom."
"Maybe Rohirrim say hoom."
"I've never heard them do it. And that doesn't sound like their fight song."
"Well, it's the Stallions and Hammerhands combined, do you think they would use one of their fight songs?"
Wormtongue considered this. "Well, no. But if we hear anyone, it should be our team. There's only 300 Rohirrim. Well, and the elves. But I don't think they say hoom either."
"What in Middle Earth are you talking about? 300? There's got to be more than that. And what elves?"
"Well, I assumed we were going by the movie, since we did that bit about tens of thousands, and I'm here, but in the book I didn't get here until after the Ents took over-"
"Ents!" Saruman jumped up and rushed to the window.
Meanwhile, back at Helm's Deep...
The crowd was trying to get into the stadium by climbing over the walls on ladders, but the Rohirrim (and elves, since we seem to be going by the movie) kept killing them. It was very annoying. And do you really expect a crowd of uruk-hai to stay calm and under control trough all this? No wonder it turned into a full-fledged battle.
When some fans got ahold of the explosives they set off after touchdowns, things got ugly. But the team decided that blowing a hole in the wall was a more dramatic entrance than running through a paper banner, and they rushed in. If Haldir got killed along the way, that was his fault for being there when he wasn't supposed to. He should have been content to remain a random elf who lived in Lorien, but instead he wanted to be some kind of great commander, and look what happened.
Then morning came, and the Rohirrim finally rode out. The orcs thought for sure they would let them in now, but instead they kept killing them. Suddenly, Gandalf appeared on the hill. "Wow, white really is the new gray," said one of the elves. "I have got to go to the Gap of Rohan after this."
And then Eomer appeared behind Gandalf, along with a thousand riders or so. "I thought he was supposed to be here already," said an orc. "And that is not 105 riders."
"Way to be aware! We're going by the movie."
And so Gandalf rode down, followed by Eomer and his "eored," and they killed most of the orcs, and the rest ran into a forest that had mysteriously appeared and were killed by the Huorns. This bewildered everyone, since they thought they had been going by the movie, until someone remembered that part was in the Extended Edition.
That was the end of the Fitin' Uruk-hai.
A/N None of this would have been possible without my brother, the co-commissioner of the MEFL, who came up with the whole idea together with me, provides the football details, and is designing all the jerseys. What a man! (Applause)
MEFL is pronounces as a single word rather than individual letters - meffle, not em-ee-eff-ell.
I did not come up with the idea of the Gap of Rohan as a store, so I won't take credit for it. I have no idea who did. I've seen it in about a thousand places.