The First Cut is the Deepest
She lay in an unfamiliar bed, the bed sheet clenched tightly in her hands and pulled up to her chin. It was dark outside, but the large room was fairly light, illuminated by the lamp on the table in the centre of the ward. Her bed was placed in the corner, furthest away from the double doors. She could easily see the five other beds, whose occupants all appeared to be sleeping. Sister Brigid could be seen seated at the table, her head bent over some patient files.
She glanced at the clock on the wall, it was nearly two o'clock. Gordon had left three hours ago. Since then, she'd dozed on and off, waking periodically to Sister Brigid or Nurse Davenport checking her pulse, temperature, blood pressure... She welcomed the exhaustion, knowing that with the upset, it wouldn't be long before she slipped back into unconscious ignorance.
Tears ran down the sides of her face, dampening her hair as she lay there on her back. She tried to think back and remember when it had started to go wrong. Was there a moment in her relationship to Gordon when one had them had done something, or were they just not suited as a couple?
She'd known she was going to lose him even when she was still in casualty, even before she'd taken away his ability to have anymore children with her. She'd stuttered that it was ectopic. He'd reacted with disbelief, unable to comprehend she'd kept her pregnancy from him. Mike spoke next, telling Gordon she'd found out the day before. The expression that followed on Gordon's face was one that would always stay with her. He taken his eyes from her, staring towards the wall. He looked so distant. The hand on her cheek stilled.
She'd sobbed an apology, and moaned with the pain, bringing his attention back to her. He'd told her it was alright, he'd stroked her hair, but she could take no comfort from this. He was a good man, he couldn't desert anyone who was in pain, no matter what they had done, it was one of the things that made him such a good doctor.
She felt so terrible. She'd never meant to hurt him. She was going to tell him about the pregnancy, she just needed to get her head around it first. Unable to control it, she released a quiet sob. Matron had entered the ward without her notice, immediately halting her whispered conversation with Sister Brigid and briskly walked towards her. She drew the curtains around the bed, something Jill was glad of; she hated her colleagues and patients seeing her in such a state. Unfortunately, that included Matron; how she wanted the well-meaning woman to leave her alone.
"Now now dear." She perched on the edge of the bed, stroking Jill's hair away from her face. Immediately, the younger woman flinched, inching away as much as possible within the confines of the tightly tucked-in sheets. Matron removed her hand, sensing Jill's professional distance present, despite the circumstances. "I know it's hard, but you must really try and get a proper sleep. You've been through a major ordeal."
"Don't you think I know that?" Jill shot back harshly, staring hard at Matron, before turning her head away and muttering. "I'm fine."
"You're not. There's not shame in feeling upset. You must let it out."
"I said I'm fine." She spat. She wiped the tears roughly. "Now please leave me alone."
"Alright." Matron sighed as she rose, moving to the curtains and beginning to draw them back.
"No! I want them closed. I don't want anyone to see me."
"Jill..." Matron whispered sadly, but the doctor had already closed her eyes shut tight, signalling the end to the conversation.