Gojyo stopped me.

For the first time, Gojyo didn't have his usual pervy grin on his face and that scared me. Gojyo didn't seem like Gojyo without it. He seemed even less like Gojyo when he asked, "Hey, monkey, can we talk?" He didn't even try to insult me. I was unnerved. At least one of us should stay in character.

"Why the hell would I want to talk to a stupid water sprite?" My words were half-hearted on the way out, and I regretted them when seeing the look on Gojyo's face. Before he could retract his invitation I 'grudgingly' accepted and let him lead me out behind the inn.

It was dark and cool back here and I could tell Gojyo wanted a smoke. He was chewing on an unlit cigarette, staring at his empty lighter. I gave him a dubious look. I was about to complain into the silence when Gojyo seemed to come to a conclusion.

"How do you and Hakkai do it?" Gojyo's face went funny and he seemed to get angry at himself. "I mean-- you are just so fucking happy all the time. It's sick." He began ranting, listing off all the reasons he hated his current life, all the drunken whores, the drunkard gamblers, and all the people he was never quite drunk enough to stand. I opened my mouth to speak and he cut himself off mid-sentence, glowering at me for daring to interrupt.

I don't know why I didn't get mad at him. Maybe it was the way Gojyo scowled at his cigarette, as if he wanted to be perverted with it instead of talking to me. I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath, like Hakkai was teaching me. A litany of his popped into mind, making me smile and calm down instantly. I opened my eyes again to find the kappa staring at me.

The tension in Gojyo snapped, his words coming out in a rush. "I just don't get you! How the hell can you be happy with all of this bullshit? Hakkai, too! How the hell do you guys put up with us?"

There it was. The real reason for Gojyo's abrupt intrusion into my mind instead of staying impartial as he was meant to. Gojyo was feeling insecure and he wanted me to reassure him. Though Gojyo broke the rule, trying to speak seriously with me instead of being a proper jackass older brother, I did not blame him.

I knew exactly how hard it was to admit you did not know if you belonged.

I was aware of that emptiness, and I knew. I knew because it was me. I knew what Gojyo had finally felt dissipate. The hollowness had been emptied of nothing and filled with him, filled with Hakkai's endless smile, his timeless words, and his weeping soul. I knew this because Gojyo looked like I felt in the mountain side, sealed off from life but given the taste of sun so that I would know what I was missing. Gojyo felt trapped like I was. He was tasting the moonlight and he did not know if it was real.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?"

I'll never forget that glare. Gojyo was livid. "Ch. I don't get why I thought you'd understand. Damn kid monkey." Gojyo left me outside with a frustrated growl, joining the other men inside the bar.

I almost laughed at him.

I did understand. I could see it in every move Gojyo made in Hakkai's presence, that everything was an act of sex for them. Talking, eating, gambling; Did it matter? Gojyo never said the words Hakkai needed to hear but Hakkai knew. Just like I know, Hakkai knows what Gojyo was afraid to ask him on the off-chance that Hakkai might actually say 'Yes, I feel the same about you'. Hakkai tries to quiet Gojyo's fears with every touch each night, every momentary brush of fingers over sake, and the endless series of glances over his cards when he knew Gojyo wasn't examining his poker face.