Always

Dedicated to Mr. Alan Rickman, Who Gave Severus Snape a Soul

Somehow he knew. He knew the moment the Dark Mark began to fade that something had gone terribly wrong. And now, as he stood outside her house in Godric's Hollow, or at least what remained of it, his worst fears were realized. The Dark Lord was gone, that much he had felt, but… how? It had been instinct that had brought Severus here, and terror that kept him from entering the ruins. Something had happened. He didn't want to face what he knew he would find if he stepped one foot inside that house. He didn't want to think that she might be- and most likely was… dead. It was permanent; much too permanent for his heart to take. But he had to know the truth. To not look would drive him mad.

All was quiet when he crossed the threshold, and painstakingly dark. Snape lit his wand with a whispered lumos, and nearly jumped back in shock when it shined upon the pale face of James Potter. For the first time, Severus didn't look on his rival with hate or envy. He looked on him in desperation and fear. He had been killed trying to fend off the Dark Lord. Snape's eyes trailed up the stairs, knowing that either relief or heartache would be awaiting him when he climbed them. And then, a sound reached his ears: a baby's cry. The boy lived, Severus realized. Somehow, he lived while the Dark Lord had vanished. It was impossible. Something, or someone, had saved him. He swallowed hard, and progressed up the stairway to the landing. His wand was held out in front of him, lighting up the thin corridor.

A room lay at the end, and it was from here that the baby's cry came. But it was not this understanding that halted Severus in his path- it was the hand that was clearly visible upon the floor of the nursery, and his heart clenched. He tried to tell himself that it wasn't her. It couldn't be her. He wouldn't allow it. Perhaps her awful sister had been visiting. Maybe it was she who lay dead in that room. But he knew… Slowly, as if he were made of lead, Severus continued down the hall, attempting to prepare himself for what he knew he would find. But, he hadn't prepared himself enough.

As he entered the room, his black eyes fell upon her body: cold and lifeless. She could have been sleeping, were her beautiful green eyes not still open and staring up at him. They were not filled with laughter and love as they had once been. No… they were wide with terror and determination. And Snape knew what she had done. He finally comprehended what had happened in the nursery that night. The look of denial slid off his face, along with the cold mask that veiled his every emotion. He was completely undone. Before he knew what was happening, he had fallen to his knees with a sob of pain and regret. This was his fault… All his fault. But the Dark Lord has sworn that she needn't be harmed. He had promised! And Severus… hadn't entirely trusted him. But Dumbledore- Dumbledore had promised to protect them!

But she wouldn't have needed protection, if not for you, his mind whispered, as Snape gathered Lily's broken body in his arms and held her to his chest. His tears dripped from the end of his hooked nose into her dark red hair, as he silently begged her… Forgive me, Lily. I'm so sorry… so sorry. He didn't have the heart to say the words aloud. He knew that he would never receive a response. He would never hear her voice or her laughter again. But then… he hadn't heard them in so long, except in his dreams.

And he wished with all his soul that this was merely a dream, and that the past few years had been a terrible nightmare. He wished that he would soon awaken to find himself still ten years old, lying next to her under the tree by the river. But he knew that this wasn't a dream, because he would never have been able to conjure this horrible image. She was dead, and there was no chance of bringing her back. He'd killed her as surely as if he'd stabbed her through the heart, and as hard as he tried to still his tears, he found it impossible. Years of anger, despair, and regret bubbled up in him, as his mind flew through all of the memories he'd long since buried away.

He remembered the day they'd met, the day they'd been sorted, and the day their friendship had ended with the utterance of that unforgivable word: mudblood. He couldn't bear to hear that word anymore, for it represented everything he could have had, and everything he'd lost. And now this memory was to be added to the fray. He would never be able to forget this. He knew it would haunt him until his dying day. Severus continued rocking her back and forth, his mind still screaming: please, please, forgive me Lily. I love you. I always loved you. Please forgive me…

All he wanted was to have her back, if only for a minute. One minute to tell her everything: to apologize and to say the three words he'd been too cowardly to speak aloud. I love you. But he would never have another minute with her. Her time had been cut short due to his rash mistake- because he had told the Dark Lord the prophecy that had condemned her by singling out her son.

The child's crying had ceased, but Snape did not forget his presence. He hated that boy. That much he understood. He hated him for being born, and for looking so much like his damned father. He hated him for having known Lily's love, and most of all he hated him for living while she had died. Somehow, her sacrifice had saved him. It was the only explanation, and the cruelest one.

He had to go before he was found there, but he so despised having to leave her. The tears were still wet on his face when he laid her down gently upon the floor and closed her eyes. He didn't want to remember them as they were now, unseeing and dull. He wanted only to remember them as they'd been, alive and full of happiness. But somehow he knew that he would never be able to remember them that way, after having seen her dead. He wished he had not come at all. But if he hadn't come… he would have wished he had.

It was in Dumbledore's office that he stood, just an hour later, his eyes still full of tears. "You said… that you could keep her… safe!" he sobbed, leaning back against the wall for support. He was unsure if he'd be able to stand much longer. Dumbledore was silent.

"Her boy has her eyes." Snape's fists clenched. The child… had her eyes? Her eyes in James Potter's face? They didn't belong there. They belonged only to Lily. They belonged to his childhood and to his memory. The boy had no right to them. "Help me protect him," Dumbledore continued gently. Snape protested. He couldn't- wouldn't! - do it. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't endure defending the son of his most hated rival. But then… he was her son as well, even if Severus didn't want to admit it. Harry Potter was the cherished son of Lily, and he knew that his choice was made even before Dumbledore insisted: "If you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."

"No one can know," Snape choked out. "Promise me!"

"You have my word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you," sighed Dumbledore. And from that day on, Harry Potter would be protected with Severus' life. He owed it to Lily... and he owed to himself to do something good, and to make up for his mistakes.

Many years passed, and he watched the boy grow up- every day more and more like his arrogant father. When Harry Potter was thirteen, dementors guarded Hogwarts; and Snape began to wonder if, should the need arise, he would able to conjure a patronus. He had so few happy memories… He hadn't cast the spell since before Lily's death. But, in the darkness of his office, he closed his eyes and thought of her.

They were lying under the tree, and Lily was complaining about her sister calling her a freak. "She's the freak!" Severus had told her, "and you're just special!" And despite her remark that he was being "mean," he didn't miss the small smile that had crossed her face. He remembered their first flying lesson and her joy over making her broomstick rise on her first try- and her laughter when he had been unable to mount his own. He remembered the Christmas he'd spent at her house, the countless times they'd done homework together, and every time she'd said his name. From the tip of his wand burst the silver shape of a doe, and Severus staggered at the sight. It had been her patronus- it had matched Potter's. But as quickly as it had appeared, it vanished as the memory of that night at Godric's Hallow flashed into his mind's eye. "Lily…" he breathed sadly; and if anyone had entered his office that night, they would have found the cruel Potion's master with his hands over his face, shaking with silent sobs.

He didn't cast the patronus charm again for three years. It was the night he acknowledged that Albus was dying… The night Dumbledore told him that he- Severus- must be the one to kill him. How could this man ask such a thing of him? Snape had hoped never to kill again- not after Lily, his greatest regret. And Albus was his friend! Or so he had thought… For the very next moment, Dumbledore said quietly, "When I am dead, you must tell Harry... Tell him that when Lord Voldemort tried to kill him- the night that Lily Potter cast her life between them as a shield- a piece of Voldemort's soul became separated from him, and lodged itself within the only other living being in that room. A piece of Voldemort lives inside Harry, and until it is destroyed… Voldemort cannot die."

Snape stared in horror, feeling utterly betrayed. "Then, in the end, the boy must die?" He had protected Harry Potter for Lily. Or, at least he had been told it was for Lily, but it never had been… It had been for Albus. He had used him! He had lied to him- manipulated his love and turned it into something ugly… Dumbledore had known that Snape would do anything in the name of Lily Evans. "You've kept him alive so he can die at the right moment?"

"But this is touching, Severus! Have you grown to care for the boy after all?" Snape did not answer verbally, but instead reached for his wand. He had done nothing for Harry Potter. He had done it for Lily. And from his wand came the silver doe. It leaped around the room, circling the two men who gazed at it, transfixed and teary-eyed. And only when it had disappeared through the window did Dumbledore speak again. "Lily…" Looking to Severus with eyes that clearly conveyed how touched he was, he asked quietly: "After all this time?"

"Always," replied Severus. I'll love her always. Until the day I die.

Death did not faze him, even as his throat was slit by a careless flick of the Dark Lord's wand- not even as Nagini's fangs sunk themselves into his flesh, and rammed him against the window of the deserted boathouse. He regretted only one thing: he had failed. He had not told Potter about the final horcrux… And there was no time left now. He only prayed that he had done enough to gain Lily's forgiveness.

Then, as if by a miracle, the boy appeared at his side. Then I haven't failed. "Take them… Take them…" he whispered, pointing to a single tear that was sliding down his face. "Take them… please." And as the memories were collected into the flask supplied by the Granger girl, Severus reached for Harry's jacket and pulled him closer. "Look at me…" he said. And in confusion, the widening green eyes met the black- and for the first time, the boy looked so like Lily. Snape could almost sense her presence around him, and he found that he no longer hated this boy. He had seen what he'd expected to see- another James Potter- but now he saw that Harry Potter was not his father. "You have… your mother's eyes." He was Lily, and perhaps he'd always been. And with a thin half-smile, Severus Snape departed this world with one final sigh on his lips that sounded suspiciously like… Lily.

He found himself once again by the river, just as he remembered it. His younger self was opening and closing the flower petals, showing little Lily that she was not alone- that he was like her, and that he was her friend. Beside him, a thin figure materialized slowly until smiling green eyes were looking into his. "There we are, Sev," she said, pointing to the children. "Look how happy we were... What happened to us?" She seemed sad as she awaited his answer.

Severus watched the younger versions of themselves for a moment longer before replying. "I tore us apart. I never meant to, Lily. You must believe that I never wanted it." There was a long silence before he realized that he finally had that minute that he'd wished for so many years ago. "Lily, please listen to me. I'm sorry that I called you a mudblood. And I'm sorry for telling him the prophecy… I'm sorry for killing you, Lily. Please forgive me… please forgive me."

"Sev, I would be ungrateful not to forgive you," she answered softly. "After all you've done for Harry… You've saved his life, Sev, more times than I can count. You helped him, even though you hated him. Why?" she seemed genuinely puzzled.

"You asked me back then, after I called you a… You asked me what made you different from the others. You were different because I loved you." He relished the chance to be able tell her at last, and his next words fell from his lips with ease. "I have… always loved you." A smile lit over Lily's face as she embraced her old friend.

"Leave it behind you, Sev," she murmured, gesturing to the memory around them. "Let go of it, and move on. Dumbledore once told me that death is the next great adventure. Live it with me. I've been waiting for you, Severus. We both have, James and I, and he… regrets it, everything he did to you." She put out her hand to him, and Snape glanced from it to the memory in succession. He was hesitating, and Lily recognized it. "What's wrong, Sev?"

"I have to know, Lily… If I hadn't pushed you away, would you have loved me?" A gentle nod confirmed it, and he cursed himself mentally. "I'll never forgive myself."

"It doesn't do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, Sev. Let it go and come with me." From behind her, he could see little Lily grab his hand and smile. "Come on, Sev!" She laughed, and as the two children took off running across the grass, Severus turned back to Lily with determination. Now he knew that he never have to live another day without hearing her laughter, and he was prepared to move on. He was forgiven; and as the two of them stepped into the light, he could hardly remember the tortures of his past. He was free of his sins, and he would be with her. Always.

A/N: I entered a shortened version of this story in the Figment Harry Potter Fanfiction Contest. To vote for it, go to this web address:

http:/ figment. com/ books/ 107396- Always (remove the spaces) and click the heart button. Thanks!