Contrary to public belief, first few days are genuinely effortless. Your heart and mind never gets chance to ponder over anything, only your body works, unconsciously. In pain. Mere physical sickness, and in process of further torment. And it's your body that drives your mind. You are occupied in process, the everlasting, annoying & bloody futile process of immortal pain.
Claire thought the same thing on a loop when they were on their way back to home from hospital. Jamie clutched her hand tightly but somehow it does not make difference to her. Her mind travels onto the oblivious trance which never ceases to calm her, she just thinks more & evermore.
All she remembers, is blood. Her blood. Everywhere. And Jamie screaming out her name countlessly. She never inquired how she reached hospital from the woods, though bits and pieces were there, somewhere in the little corner of her mind. Yet, she remembers faces, many faces but mainly, she remembers Mother Hildegarde calling out her name & calming her senses. After that everything is black, until they wake her up for her baby. To be held in her arms, for the first & last time ever. She does it as they say. She holds on. Trying to remember each and every detail about her precious little tiny daughter, she smiles while she cries. Singing to her, dreaming with her and when time comes, she gives her away along with a part of her broken heart. And then everything is black, again. She cries, feeling her heart breaking into two, she hears the sound of it in her mind, the sound of stem breaking apart from the flower, right before few seconds of plucking it, it's the same sound. A crack, and its two. In her mind, she calls out for Jamie but she knows he will not be back anytime soon. He might be dead. And another part of her heart breaks.
Next time when she opens her eyes, birds are flying in the sky, blue birds, blue sky and everything blue. She can feel Master Raymond's fingers all over her body. Her mind has all logical reasons for her medical conditions, but somehow, she does not know how he is healing her. He asks her to call her husband, so she does. His name on her lips sounds so strange, yet strong. With all her being, she calls for him knowing very well that he might never come back. She hates him. She hates him with everything she has, everything she lost and everything she could have right there, in her arms. With each fiber in pain, each tear dropping down on her cheeks, fingers clutching bedsheets and eyes frantically searching everywhere for him, she hates him. And then everything is black.
It's Jamie.
Of course, she is dreaming.
She mentally checks everything.
Blue eyes. Check. Red Hairs. Check. His deep voice. Check. His broad shoulders. Check.
Unregrettably him.
'Claire…'
It's not an illusion. Not a dream. He is there, the physical touch is too real to be a dream. He is not dead. She tries to smile, but it's lost somewhere between her heart & lips.
Later she comes to know that Louise, somehow, pulled her strings with the help of Charles Stuart and gets Jamie free. Kind friend that she is, sent him to her. She listens to his word, all his words. Each word laced with thick voice, deep regret and fierce pain. He touches her, but she does not respond, she just stares at him with blank eyes. She can see his blue eyes darken each time he calls out her name, tortured and tormented. She still does not respond. This is his punishment, he thinks. He accepts and slumps his shoulders in defeat. She sees him breaking and does nothing, not that she does not want to, but she cannot do anything. Her body aches, and it is driving her mind & heart and all she can do is to submit ; to her body, to her wounds & feel anything but pain.
At home, everyone is cautious around her. They are not to remind her about the baby, even Jamie. First two days are delirious, she does minimal tasks automatically, without any effort. Jamie does not go anywhere, he is hovering over her, but as soon as he realizes that she hates it, he leaves it. There are many moments when Jamie sits and tries to talk to her but her one stern look and he cannot, he withdraws, she sleeps. She tries to understand his position, because she is unable to avoid his tortured eyes and tired body, the ache he radiates through his body is so deep that she must look away sometimes. In the hearts of her heart, she wants to believe him, she trusts him enough to know that there must be some solid reason why he did what did. He wrote, 'Sorry, I must!' that means something to both of them. Claire knows it, unquestionably, that Jamie is the man of his words and if he broke his promise not to kill Randall then there is some reason, a strong, unavoidable reason. And with all her heart, she wants to believe him but her pain does not let her, pain overpowers everything, her sanity, her reasoning, her love & her mind. And she hates it, she hates herself, him and everything.
At the same night, she is lying down on the bed, Jamie by her side on his back. They both are miserably failing at a feeble attempt to give in to sleep, and then there is a sound, trying to disturb their attempt at sleep. Not like a loud scream, but a slow and rhythmic whimper, and as they focuses, it increases, the intensity of it. Jamie is first to get up, all scared and alarmed. Claire follows him, and she notices the tension in shoulders, fear in his soundless footsteps approaching the room from where the sound is coming. She horrifies because she recognizes that the room belongs to Fergus. She has no idea why Fergus was having nightmare to the extent that he is crying, and when she lays his eyes upon him, she is shocked.
The boy is quivering in fear, cloths drenched in fine thin layer of sweat, and eyes shut tightly, fingers clutched into bedsheets as if he is diverting his pain, and pillow wet with his tears. She fights the tears of her own, threatening to spill over her eyelashes. Before she moves forward, and hold the boy, Jamie is already doing so. He is gentle as feather with the boy, soothing him like he would soothe a little bird and she feels something's wrong, she is sure. Of course, she notices the little telltale signs. Jamie's anger suppressed fiercely, pain hidden under his rigid posture, him trying everything in his power to make him look like strong man, like a stone. The little boy keeps crying and then he shocks her again when he asks for forgiveness, looking directly into her eyes. He repeats the word sorry like Mantra. Claire looks at Jamie, questionably. He does not say anything but signs her that they can talk later about it, he keeps shushing Fergus and assuring him that it was not his fault and then she goes ahead and takes Fergus in her arms, rocks him against her body, Jamie stokes his hairs and they both make him relax, peaceful by uttering sweet nothing whispers into his ears.
When the boy is finally asleep, they take him to their bed, both of them continuously checking on him, Jamie asks her to sleep while he checks on him but she refuses and demand answers. Jamie sighs, and took her away from Fergus. Once they are away, he tells her everything that happened and explained why he did what he did, and Claire collapses on floor, disgust penetrates in her lungs, and she exhales it with stormy, fiery rejection, now she understands it, the amount of pain & rage Jamie must have felt, she, herself, feels the same and wants to kill that bloody excuse of a man with her bare hands. It is inexplicable to her how Randall survived twice, and part of her regrets as well. Unable to absorb all at once, she breaks for the little boy, her very own little cute pick-pocket. Jamie wants to assure her that the boy will be alright with the passage of time, but he knows that part of the boy will always be wounded, just like his was, after Wentworth. And everything makes sense to her, she actually sees Jamie, his eyes are darkest of blues she saw after the Wentworth, she cries. She cries for Fergus, for Jamie, for their endurance against the wound they have. Jamie wants to hold her but he can't, he just sits there against the blue wall, staring at the night sky from the window with glassy eyes filled with utter horror & disgust. There are many emotions one can see in them, regret, sadness, rage, hurt, loss, guilt and helplessness, all bottled up and threatening to spill over at once, only if Claire opens the bottle. Claire does not remember when she sleeps again but when she opens her eyes in the morning, her hand is on Fergus, protectively and Jamie is standing near the window, doing absolutely nothing.
When initial days are passed, body heals slowly and mind fights, to survive against the mental pain. There are open wounds, playing with the mind & heart, laughing at the body's illusion that everything is healed. It gives you a devilish smile, you try to hide, and you fail. It reminds you in a way which is to let it accept, let it face unexpectedly & how you crumble under the pressure or maybe, just maybe, how you survive.
Claire believes, it's time to let Jamie know. As far as her memories allow, she recalls Mother Hildegarde telling her that Jamie is free, right after Raymond healed her. She remembers the nurse telling him that it was a girl, follows by a muffled voice of her husband, not sure what the words are. She thinks about the time, when he comes back home for the lunch. But he never comes back, for lunch or even for the day. She disappoints. When he arrives, by the late night, she does not move, she just sits on the table near the window, watching over the moon, she wants to tell him about their baby girl, how she looked, how felt in her arms, but she can't say so until he comes to her. And just when she is about to share it with him, he touches her from the back, fingers tracing over the side of her back and he asks if she needs a bath and she realizes that her hair, her body is dirty, and she needs it, not the cleaning but him ushering her anywhere away from the pain, so she agrees. There are some things which are just so typical of Jamie, even after everything they have been through, she smiles thinking about him caring for her, as best as he can, given the situation.
Once they are in the bathtub, warm water, fresh herbs, soothing oils and mainly Jamie's fingers works like magic on her skin, with each featherlike strokes, her tense muscles releases the blocked pain, he massages each joint with appropriate pressure, she melts against it. And suddenly it hits her like a bomb, and she gives in right under the same. She pictures herself with the baby girl, how she is giving her the bath, like Jamie is doing so and then there are more pictures on her vision, the blurred ones. Jamie playing with her, running after her, cleaning her dirty hands & legs, teaching her horse riding when she is old enough, at Lallybroch. One by one, the images travels through her mind, and she breaks with each of them gone. Jamie senses it, in her veins, in her pulses. He gently asks her, and she shakes her head, she keeps her hand over her mouth, not to make any sound to let him know, but he does know. And then, he firmly grips her shoulders and make her turn around, to face him, to look at him directly into his blue eyes, an ocean ready to engulf her entirely.
'Let it all out, Claire!' he pleads.
And she does.
She tells him everything about her, her red hairs, her smooth skin, tiny fingers and toes, how she sang to her, how she memorized each & every details of Faith - their baby girl, their, now, dead baby girl. She pours out everything she has in her body, heart & mind, along with forgiveness, she forgives him because she knows it was not anyone's fault and she holds onto him. With each word pouring out from Claire, ever so slowly, Jamie releases his hands from her, and sit beside her, not so close but not so far, he tries not to break apart, not to show his weakness but Claire sees it, right through him. She watches him as he manages everything under his composed posture, but she watched him daily fight it as well, she knows him, inside and out. Knowing him makes it difficult for her, as she can't do anything, him being silent about everything, trying to hide his pain, his guilt over everything.
Now is the time, she assures herself. She moves little closer to him, cups his face into her hands, and kisses him. It is not a passionate one, it's gentle, subtle yet forgiving one. A sweet one, through which she tries to inject as much love and support she could. He still resists, and she remembers how he loves to be a man who protects his wife and children. And all his actions indicate only how he feels as everything happened under his watch, how he failed to protect them. The sense of failure, she clearly sees it his eyes and that's exactly she wants to remove it from there, permanently. She takes his name, and he looks at her, eyes in sadness and guilt, like it was after Wentworth, he controls as much as can and then he breaks. After listening each word from her heart, her love, her forgiveness, her support & her understanding, he breaks. She immediately engulfed his broad shoulders in her arms, and felt his sobs wracking both their bodies, his chest heaves with each breath he takes, and his body shivers like pigeon cut in half, all comes out with it, the guilt, the pain and the loss. She realizes how much he needs her, how much she needs him. So, she let him all out, just like he does with her. They both anchor each other, and pull themselves out from the bottomless pit, they cry for their daughter, for Fergus, for their lost hopes, wishes, dreams and the unknown future. In the middle of their outburst, she hears his assuring words, he promises her better future, assures her for another blessing, another baby and she reciprocates, they both assures each other with soothing words, and their vows. In all, she only takes one relief that they are together, for as long as they can survive, she wants it all with him whether happiness or tragedy.
They sit there under warm water for as long as she can remember, and then after what feels like century, she asks him, to take her to Lallybroch, their home. And in reply, she is kissed, then a smile, not a cheery one, but not even sad, it's the smile in which she finds comfort, for both. They both smile a bit, when they remember their home and how ready they are to be there, to give them another chance, another future and maybe, adventure but they know they can survive, as long as they live together, until their lives are done.