Mother
I titled this AU because I changed a few events. I don't really remember much of the episode. I think I barely saw season 5 before I stopped watching OUAT but I recently returned to reading some old fanfictions from 2013/2014 and it made me want to write a bit too. It's coming from my own heart and feelings.
It all happened in slow motion. At least in Regina's eyes. Her hand vanished in her mother's chest and she could see how her mother took a surprised breath. Cora turned around and looked at Regina with so much love in her eyes that words couldn't express the sorrow, guilt and admiration she felt for her. Guilt and sorrow for what she had put Regina through. Then both knew that something terrible was going on. Cora clutched her chest and broke down. Regina caught her mother and held her tightly in her arms.
''Mother?'' Regina asked with a shaky voice. Cora looked at her pained but with a loving smile.
„Regina, my dear. I am sorry…. you would have been enough…" Cora answered lovingly before she exhaled a last time. Regina stared at Cora with tears in her eyes. Snow ran into the room and froze in place.
„Regina… I am so sorry. I- I wanted to stop you." Snow stammered, hoping for an answer but Regina just ignored her. Regina was weeping over her mother's dead body, gently rocking her in her arms. Gold stood at the side and watched the two. He was glad that he was alive but seeing his former lover dead in the arms of her daughter unsettled him slightly. How would he feel if their roles would be reversed and Neal would hold his dead body in his arm, or even worse if he would hold Neal's body in his arms. He couldn't even think about it. Gold softly ported Regina and Cora into Regina's mansion to give Regina the time and privacy she needed.
Regina just sat there. She stared at her mother and a thousand things went through her head. Their last words. Their past together. Their relationship. Everything and at the same time nothing. She felt as if all the air was sucked out of her lungs. As if the whole world had just stopped. She felt like she was in a bad dream and she just wanted to wake up from it.
A few weeks later…
A few weeks had passed since her mother's death and Regina didn't cope well. The Charmings and Henry had visited her from time to time but she was mostly alone in her huge house. She thought about her mother whenever she was alone. At the beginning it was easier for her to continue. Her mother's death was weighting down her shoulder's but Regina hadn't realized it as much as she did now. It was a bad dream at first. Every morning she would wake up and for only one second she thought everything was like it was supposed to. Then she would ready herself and go downstairs just to be reminded of her loss. Cora hadn't spent much time in Storybrooke but it was enough to make Regina used to her.
Normally the two would have met in the kitchen and drank coffee together. Scheming about how to get Henry back without him hating Regina. Then the two would have switched from the kitchen to the study and Regina would work a bit on her mayoral paperwork while Cora would read through some spell books. Regina had enjoyed these quiet moments with her. There was no standard she needed to uphold. They were just doing their things and be content.
Regina didn't have these small positive thoughts anymore. Her time alone and her slowly manifesting depression were constantly reminding her of the fact that she did lose someone she loved dearly. She was in bed much longer than normal and just thought about things that could have gone differently if she would have been just a better daughter. She thought about how she could have earned her mother's approval before her death. She thought about how she could have made her proud. She also thought about what she could have said to her. Her last words. She didn't say anything. Nothing meaningful at least.
She imagined sometimes how she would have wanted their last conversation to go.
„I love you, mother. I'm sorry that I couldn't make you as proud as I wanted you to be. I am sorry that we fought so much. I'm sorry for every single second I hurt you with things I said or did. I forgive you for what you did to me and I know that all you wanted was the best for me." Regina said softly with tears in her eyes. Her mother would smile and caress her cheek.
„I know that you love me, Regina. I love you too. I'm sorry too. For everything. I'm sorry for your childhood, for Daniel's death and for your marriage with Leopold. You didn't deserve it and I still put you through all of this. You make me so proud because even after all of this you still became this strong independent woman capable of so much love and with the heart at the right place. You are the best thing that ever happened to me." Cora answered and kissed Regina's head softly.
Regina thought about how everyone else coped with her mother's death. Not many knew her and those who did were afraid of Cora. They felt sympathy towards Regina for losing her mother. Telling her things like she wouldn't suffer anymore and was now in a better place but these words weren't holding a true meaning for Regina. What did it matter that her mother was in a better place now when the place right beside her was perfectly fine too. She hadn't really suffered. Being heartless was helping in that matter and the rest could have been dealt with eventually. She knew that both of them would have fought with each other more often than not about Regina's past but in the end they could have made up and lived the life they both deserved. It got taken away because Snow White tried to save everyone else. Because Snow White didn't deemed Cora redeemable. It angered her so much.
Everyone seemed so full of themselves. Like they knew that this was the right course of action. Cora couldn't hurt anyone and she wouldn't have to suffer through any consequences. Great! But what about her? Regina? She was now suffering because once again other people decided over her head who was and who wasn't worthy to live. All these people sending condolences were the same people who talked badly about both of them and suddenly they felt sorry for her? They just didn't wanted to be the bad guys. They didn't wanted to look heartless to the children or outsiders. But that's exactly what they were. They were selfish and just hurt her more with it.
If they were really sorry for what happened they wouldn't find excuses about why it was good that Cora was dead. They would lent a shoulder to cry on and be there for her. They wouldn't be so completely stupid. They wouldn't leave her by herself. If they would really care they would come to her and break through her defenses to help her through this time. They would sit there and hold her and tell her that it's alright. It's alright to feel like everything is falling apart. Because for god's sake losing someone so close to you just hurts worse than anything else. It does feel like everything around you shatters and breaks into thousand little pieces. Everything suddenly reminded her about her mother. The smallest things like a toy Henry left laying around or a kitchen knife misplaced. It would trigger a conversation in her head. Something they argued or bonded about before her death.
She didn't want pity. She wanted understanding and caring. Currently she felt abandoned and lonely. She missed having someone around her. Before her mother she had Henry and even though she hated to admit it she had Emma and Red and Granny and even Snow. But they all wanted to give her her distance. They didn't understand that she secretly cried out for help. All she wanted was for someone to break her defenses. It was really the only thing she wanted. She wanted to cope so badly. But she couldn't open up to others on her own and the others didn't seem to bother. Whenever she was with someone she was just being her old self. Snarky, sassy and if she wanted to use Miss Swan's term „bitchy". Around Henry she sometimes could even forget about her mother. Not completely though. She would think about how she would loved to have this kind of relationship with her mother when she was a child. It was a yearning that manifested over the weeks.
Her will to continue diminished every day a bit more. It was hard for her to go on. Back then it was easier somehow. She had something to do. Be it to kill Snow White or make Miss Swan's life miserable. Now she didn't really have a purpose. She just aimlessly wandered around without a plan. Without a distraction and it scared her. She knew if she wanted to get rid of these feelings and thoughts she would have to talk to a professional or at least to someone else than just her own mind. Because if she would continue there thoughts she would just dig herself in deeper and she didn't know if she would ever get out of there again.
TBC…?
Hello dear readers.
I don't know how many of you read my old stories. But if some of you did you probably realize that it's quite a long time since I wrote. Maybe 2-4 years. I posted this little piece of story because I deemed it necessary to get out of my own mind and get these things of my chest.
I recently lost my mother and all these things I wrote in here are practically the exact same things I feel myself. I just twisted them a bit so they would fit slightly more to Regina.
I wish for nobody to ever have to face this on their own like I do. It feels suffocating and really just like a bad dream. The morning I got the call from the hospital and the moment I stood there in the hall and heard that I would never hear my mother again were the worst moments in my life. For me it means almost nothing to hear „I'm sorry for your loss. She is in a better place now. Bla bla bla." Because it just doesn't make a difference. She is still gone and I am just reminded more about what I have lost. Sometimes it just means more when someone says : I care about you. You are not alone. I'm going to be with you every step through this. :
I am sorry for bothering you with this. Like I said. I just needed to get this of my chest. Sometimes it feels good to just write it down. I don't care if people read it or not. It just helps me realize.