Breaking the Habit Chapter 1, a d.gray-man fanfic

Name: Chiya (A thousand nights), Mizushima (Mizu-Water, Shima-Island)

Age: 17

Height: 5' 7''

Weight: 120 lb.

Birth Date: August 9th

Hair: White/silver hair in a pixie hair cut

Eyes: Bright glowing orange

Memories consume

Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

Chiya sat on her bed staring at the wall, it looked exactly the same as the first day she entered the European branch of the Black Order. She was originally from the Japanese branch but was transferred after being branded "unnecessary by the heads of the Asian branch. She had been taken as a small child by the Order and trained to hunt down the Earls brokers. She wasn't compatible with innocence and unlike Kanda and Alma she wasn't forced to synchronize with a piece of innocence; instead she was trained in the art of assassination. By the time she was 7 she was able to kill a person thirteen different ways with her bare hands, not to mention all the ways she could if she had a weapon. She was sent on her first mission two years after arriving. She was always sent alone because the Order didn't want to risk losing finders or exorcists in the cross fire. She was disposable easy to replace. For many years she was sent to kill the cowards and sick freaks of the human race who sided with the Earl against their own species. When she was 16 however the governments of the world learned of her dealings and ordered for her disposal thus leading to her transfer. It had been a year since then and she almost never left the headquarters. She wasn't close to anyone because she lacked the social skills most people learned. She only really warmed up to Kanda, due to his lack of questions and similar background and heritage. Likewise he tolerated her because she was quiet and never disturbed him when he was doing something. Eventually they started talking to each other. It started out as Kanda ranting about the finders and their incompetence. Chiya just sat and listened to him because she as unsure of what else to do. Then after a few times she started to ask questions about his missions and since it wasn't a hindrance to him he would answer them. Soon it became almost a ritual for them; every time Kanda would return from a mission they would sit down in the mess hall and he would tell her about his trip, she would ask questions at the appropriate time and listen intently to what he had to say. From there they started talking about their personal lives and backgrounds. She was offered many times to become a finder but always turned them down. At first it was because she couldn't handle the thought of entering the outside world again and then, after, meeting Kanda, she refused because she didn't want to become something Kanda found annoying or hindering. She figured she was safe from her past as long as she just stayed in the order and ignored the outside world.

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

As horrible as it seemed she kind of missed the dark nights of hunting the feeling of the blood running down her hands and arms after slaughtering one of the despicable and disgusting excuses for a human. She understood that it was wrong and that just because they made a mistake didn't mean that they had to die, in fact that was the first thing that Komui taught her when she arrived at the order, but still… It had become a normal almost everyday thing for her and it came as easily as breathing to her. She knew that she was no longer going to be forced to kill but it was hard to come to terms with. For so long her assassination jobs were the only way for her to leave the headquarters and the only thing that was even close to constant in her life. The only people she had contact with were her bosses and the people who brought her meals to her room so she never had any friends. She had promised herself that she would do anything she could to fit in so that she wouldn't be cast out but it was hard for her to let her old ways go.

Sometimes in the fleeting moments before sleep overcame her she would wonder what it would be like to just leave the world behind and travel to a new land free of sorrow, guilt, and pain…

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again

As time went on the need to hunt and kill kept getting stronger. Every day the bloodlust grew and the urges became harder and harder to fight and so to protect everyone she locked herself away in her room for good. She refused to allow anyone in, not even Kanda. It worried everyone and they all tried many times to talk her into leaving her room but she never relented she was convinced that as long as she stayed locked away she would be protecting the only ones she had ever become close to.

I hurt much more
Than any time before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

Kanda was the most reluctant to give up on her. Even after the others gave in to the despair believing that they would never see their newest friend again Kanda would sit outside her door and talk to her. She almost never responded but he never gave up. Eventually she told him that what she was doing was for his and the others safety and that no matter what she would never leave. He would leave food outside her door and sometime after he left, when no one around to see her she would crack open her door and retrieve the food. It was the only thing that kept his hope alive. Eventually he was down to his final plan. On day early in the morning before anyone else was awake he quietly knocked on her door. He waited a few moments and was rewarded with a soft knock back that informed him that she was awake. He took a deep breath and with very un-Kanda nervousness he cleared his throat and told her one of his deepest secrets.

"I love you."

She was silent and after a while he left her door discouraged by her lack of response. What he didn't know is that she was sitting on the other side of the door in a shocked stopper. She had figured out long ago that she loved Kanda but she never dreamed that he would return her feelings. Still even though he beard his heart to her she could not return his affections for fear of what would happen to him if he were to get too close to her.

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean.
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright.
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

Finally after having been locked up in her room for 3 months she had made up her mind. She made her bed and put on her nice dress that the order had gotten for her to wear when she went out shopping and on the rare occasion to church. Next she went to the desk and wrote a note to Kanda, telling him that she did in fact love him and that what she was going to do was because she wanted to keep him safe from herself. She also apologized for not being able to return his affections. She rolled up the note and tied the key to her room to it before settling down to wait.

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

She waited until she was sure everyone had fallen asleep before slipping the note under the door. Someone would find it tomorrow morning but by then it would be too late for them to stop her. Next she went into the bathroom and applied the basic makeup Lenalee got for her to the best of her ability. Walking back into the room she grabbed the only knife that the order had allowed her to keep and pulled the chair out from her desk placing it in the middle of the room. She sat down and without hesitation ran the knife across first her right wrist and then her left with two quick and clean swipes. She dropped the knife almost silently next to her and leaned back in the chair smiling. She was finally going to be free of the curse that had plagued her for so long…

The next morning the order was awoken to a deep agonized cry of loss. Kanda had decided to try one last time to get her to come out of her room only to find the note and then, after unlocking and opening the door to her room, her dead body. He was filled with despair after rereading her final letter to him and realizing that she had loved him just as much as he loved her and that he would never be able to hold her in his arms.

Kanda was never the same after that morning. If people thought he was cold before they soon learned how wrong they had been. He lost all regard for the lives of the other order members focusing solely on finding and securing innocence. This happened five years before Allen Walker joined the Black Order. He never fully understood why Kanda was so cold to others or why Lenalee and Lavi would sometimes get a sad faraway look on their face when he asked them why Kanda was the way he was. One day Lavi finally seemed to take pity on him because he led him down to the cemetery that held the remains of all the finders and exorcists that had died while carrying out the will of the Order. On a tomb stone sitting away from the others under the shade of sakura tree the name Chiya Mizushima could be read. There were no other words not even the date of birth and the date of death. Allan looked up at Lavi wondering why he had brought him to this person's final resting place.

"This is the one and only person Kanda ever opened up to or loved…" That was all Lavi said. Allan stood in utter shock for a moment before quietly turning back to face the grave. He stood there for a long time, even after Lavi left, just pondering what this girl must have been like to penetrate the thick wall Kanda always seemed to hide himself behind. Finally figuring he wasn't doing anyone any good just standing there he bowed to the grave and promised the girls soul that he would protect Kanda in her stead from that day forward to the best of his ability's. As he walked inside he could have sworn he heard a voice thanking him but brushed it off as his imagination. And from that day forward Allan made an effort to visit Chiya's grave at least once a month to tell the lost soul of Kanda's love all about what had happened and to renew and strengthen his promise to protect her samurai.

This was my first D Grey Man oneshot so I'm sorry if it wasn't very good…