A/N: Another disjointed and not very good fic. I'm publishing it anyway, with my eternal motto of 'deal with it'. It's about Kurogane and Fai again, and this time is definitely not platonic. Warnings include Kurogane's foul mouth, Fai's general insanity, and BL. It's kind of funny, if you care to read.
Most Precious Person
"Stupid, ugly, annoying world," Kurogane muttered to himself, slamming yet another empty plastic egg onto the table hard enough to hear it creak piteously. He didn't break it—an improvement on the last few shards that he'd gotten embedded in his hand and had been severely tempted use to slit the throat of whoever had come up with this brilliant idea. He and his travelling companions were in a woefully boring world without battle, without swords, and without dignity in any shape or form. The fact that everything had been painted in cutesy pastel colors was a testament to that. The pork bun had seen fit to drop them in the middle of some kind of festival with alien eggs that these godforsaken people put paint on, filled with disgustingly sweet candy, and then scattered all throughout their pastel, cutesy little town. Kurogane was also pretty sure he'd seen some glitter. Only for a moment, but it had been there, dammit, and he was really very tempted to kill someone, curses be damned.
Another empty egg. This too joined the ever-expanding pile of discarded eggs and candy to Kurogane's left while he reached for another from the equally massive pile on his right. This one he did smash on the table, but to the same effect as the last, and threw it with a sigh into the feather-free pile. He noticed that a new child had been attracted by the mound both he and Syaoran were sifting through, although this one seemed to have been warned by the others Kurogane had scared off with glares, unnaturally pointy teeth, and a very genuine aura of bloodlust. The pastel child ducked behind a lamppost when Kurogane noticed it, looking like it wanted to cry.
Kurogane wanted to cry.
Fai had suggested he go into his happy place for the duration of this world. Kurogane was definitely not in his happy place. He wanted death, destruction, mayhem, and maybe some alcohol.
"Syaoran-kun! Kuro-min!"
Fai's voice. Ah, an outlet.
"Uhm, Fai-san and I found more eggs over there…"
The princess's voice. Crap. Outlet blocked off. Making a woman cry was far less appetizing that cutting off Fai's fingers and listening to him scream in pain.
Yes, Kurogane was ABSOLUTELY not in his happy place.
Fai bounded over to where Kurogane was slumped, glaring despondently into a mountain of pinks, lavenders, and periwinkle blues (the very fact that Kurogane had deigned to even think the word 'periwinkle' showed how perilously close he was to insanity), and upended his—of course—newly filled basket into the growing pile of unopened eggs with a senseless grin. "For you, Kuro-min, with love!" He declared. Kurogane looked over to see how the kid was faring and watched as the blushing princess offered up her own far more modest supply to Syaoran's far more modest mountain. Kurogane looked back at Fai.
"Ah ha ha, Kuro-pipi is glaring at me!" Fai announced happily, snagging a piece of this world's disgusting candy—Kurogane was fairly sure it was refined sugar that they'd painted to resemble candy considering this world's fetish for painting things—and popping it into his mouth. He'd done enough of that already that he smelled artificially sweet and was bouncing with what appeared to be twice the frequency. Kurogane was just waiting for his hands to start sticking to things. "He must want all the candy to himself!"
Kurogane actually wanted several things, including to learn whoever had decided to put Sakura's feather into an egg in the first place, to kill him, to kill Fai, to make Fai suffer in some way before he killed him, for Mokona to take his side for once in its—soon to be short—existence, to kill Mokona (who had at some point vanished into Kurogane's discarded egg pile and hadn't been heard from since and NO Kurogane had nothing to do with that), and to get back to his own world. Also, he wanted to light the candy on fire and watch it burn. Under no circumstances did he want it near him in any way shape or form, particularly not polluting his mouth.
"WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT THAT YOU DAMNED MAGE?" Kurogane roared, grabbing an egg at random and nailing a snickering Fai in the face with it. "YOU are the only one who can stomach this—this—!" There weren't really words to express his abhorrence and Kurogane gave up on trying to find them. "I hope you eat them all and DIE!"
"Methinks the Kuro-puu doth protest too much," Fai answered coyly, giving Kurogane the sort of smile that made his stomach turn. He seized another bit of candy and crept closer, swinging it daintily between two fingers, each arc punctuated with a new piece of verbal stupidity. "Shall… I… feed… him… some…? …Yes?"
Kurogane responded in a mature fashion by trying to smack the evil thing out of Fai's hand, and in mere moments was thoroughly frustrated. Trying to beat Fai at his own game evasion was, in short, a very, very uphill battle. The damned mage's hand fluttered effortlessly around Kurogane's fist, and to make matters worse he wouldn't stop grinning.
"Get away from me with that thing," Kurogane growled, still grabbing for it although he really should have known better. When Fai somehow slipped through his guard to actually tap the confectionary against Kurogane's lips; that was when Kurogane's patience snapped entirely. His hand went out, Fai's swished around it, and instead of going for the candy he curled his fingers around Fai's wrist hard enough to hurt, hauled the mage forward until his sugar-toxic breath made Kurogane want to gag, and said firmly, "Get away from me or I will break your arm."
Fai's smile faltered and Kurogane released him, thoroughly pleased with himself until Fai's smile returned with blinding force and he flopped down next to Kurogane. "I suppose I could stay and keep you company!" He exclaimed, ignoring Kurogane's answering death threat to grab an unopened egg and pop it open. "Since you seem so lonely."
"I'm not lonely, I'm pissed!" Kurogane hissed, refusing to abandon his established area to put space between them. It wasn't like he wanted to. He was not scared of Fai! Not… at all… "This is by far the lowest point in my entire life! It's sickening! Dammit, I want to kill something!"
And Fai, still continuing to peruse eggs beside him, chuckled.
Kurogane froze, eyes snapping to the person beside him and the rather amused smile pasted on his idiotic face. Fai didn't look back at him, and Kurogane began to suspect, with growing horror, that Fai had just been laughing at him. "…What?"
"Nothing," Fai said in the most patronizing tone Kurogane had ever been addressed with. His hand went for his sword, completely reflexively. Meanwhile, the happy place burned in flames from which it would likely never recover.
"No, really, I'm interested in hearing this," he insisted, eyes narrowing as Fai chuckled. This could not be allowed to go on. People did not laugh at Kurogane and get away with it. And maiming wasn't killing, right? Right. "What was that about?"
"It's just…" Fai sighed, leaning back and now actually managing to look like he was trying not to smile. It was an entirely synthetic expression, Kurogane was sure, as most of Fai's expressions were, but damn it all if it didn't look like Fai actually thought that… that… that Kurogane was being silly or something!"
"…You're still unpacking the eggs," Fai finished, and that wasn't a smile, that was a smirk, and Kurogane knew that something needed to die. Something blonde, condescending, and sitting beside him looking like Kurogane was some sort of unruly child. Fai continued to smirk, unaware of Kurogane's ever more tenuous grip on sanity. "Although Kuro-sama complains and complains…" It wasn't complaining! It was rightfully protesting insanity and injustice! "…He is still unpacking the eggs."
"I don't see what that has to do with anything," Kurogane managed through his gritted teeth, and Fai, as though he didn't hear the aching jaw Kurogane was struggling to speak around, smirked all the more.
"If you really hate this job SO much," Fai declared, leaning close to whisper in Kurogane's ear in a manner that also made his stomach turn, "Then you could stop at any time. But instead you're helping and looking for Sakura-chan's feather—even though you don't have to!" As Kurogane stumbled over the snarled mess that was Fai's reasoning, the mage proceeded to laugh softly into his ear, and Kurogane got chills that spread to the very tips of his toes because he'd never been faced with any sensation so disturbing as that. Skin broken out into goose bumps all over, Kurogane jerked away and stared with remote horror into Fai's smiling face as the creep added, "Kuro-chu is a softie! How cute!"
When Kurogane was capable of speech again—which took a moment of choking on the air in his lungs out of pure rage—he didn't think he'd been so angry since he'd been thrust into this nightmare of a journey by an equally creepy witch and his traitorous princess. "The only reason I'm looking for that stupid feather," he snapped, fist crashing into the table, "Is because it's the only way to get the pork bun to take me to the next world and ultimately, to be rid of you all and return to Princess Tomoyo. That's all. I could care less about your affairs, and you—" he whirled around to face Syaoran, finding the boy looking at him as he usually managed to whenever Kurogane started to rant about being forced into this journey against his will, "You already know that!" And now the princess was looking at him too and he glared at her too, because if that was how Fai was thinking, there was no telling what other sorts of misconceptions had come out of this. They weren't friends, weren't comrades; they were just people locked in the same sorry situation and Kurogane was only going to help as long as he was bored and it was convenient for him. "You should understand that as well!"
Predictably, Sakura soon dropped her gaze, blinking as though she might begin to cry, but she didn't (for which Kurogane was eternally grateful, because as miserable as this was, it could only get more miserable with everyone on his case for making the princess cry). For the moment following Kurogane's speech everything was silent, and then Syaoran put his hand on the princess's shoulder and met Kurogane's gaze squarely with his own. "Yes, I understand," he said with conviction. "I apologize for burdening you, Kurogane-san."
To which Kurogane really didn't have an answer. It was hard to get mad at the kid when he behaved so respectably, and even the princess didn't bother him so much anymore. It was of course, just…
"Kuro-puppy snarls just like a big puppy!" Fai exclaimed, smiling brightly at them all. "But, his bark is worse than his bite!"
Kurogane scoffed under his breath, but instead of retorting as he wished, he returned his attention to the eggs. If his own words were true—and they were—the quickest way back home was to get the abhorrent task over with. Besides, he really didn't want to snap at the kid again. Kurogane hated children as a rule, but he'd gotten to where he kind of liked Syaoran. The kid had a good attitude.
He'd gotten through about twenty more eggs and heard the kids start up another conversation before Fai decided that opening his mouth again was somehow a good idea. At least this time he was keeping his voice down and not alerting the world media as to what he insisted on calling, to anyone stupid enough to ask, their Marital Problems.
"We of course understand Kuro-ran's devotion to his princess," Fai remarked, pulling apart another egg and, for reasons Kurogane didn't even try to fathom, placing half of it on his head before moving onto the next one. It looked like a hair accessory, and not one suitable for dignified young men, if there even was such a thing. In Kurogane's terribly fashion conscious mind, hair accessories were either helmets, sweatbands, or for women. "How strange that we should all be so… devoted to our particular royal families! Witch-san's hitsuzen, do you think?"
…And Kurogane's happy place was officially never going to recover.
"I don't know what you think," Kurogane grumbled, feeling a flush creeping up the back of his neck because he was fairly sure of what Fai was insinuating and wholly uncomfortable with the concept. "But it's not like I… Princess Tomoyo is just Princess Tomoyo. That's it."
"I think Princess Tomoyo is Kuro-chan's most precious person," Fai answered nonchalantly, as though he wasn't sticking his nose into other people's private and embarrassing business. Kurogane could feel the blood rushing to his face now, and didn't even know why that was happening, let alone why he was having this conversation with this tactless idiot whose hair accessory proved him to be so wholly without dignity.
"It's not like that," Kurogane muttered, trying to find something else to focus on in spite of his unwillingness to stare at anything pastel. He wasn't having much luck. Even the clouds in the sky seemed to be pink-tinged. Kurogane's concept of hell was quickly being rewritten in this place's image. His face felt like it was burning a little bit, and he swore on the spot that if Fai commented on it, he was going to cut his idiot tongue out and be done with it. "It's not like with the brat and the princess. Tomoyo is… She's…"
Why was it that every time he spoke to Fai, Kurogane ended up considering the most disturbing things possible? Why did he keep speaking to Fai? Why, why didn't he ever learn? It couldn't be that hard to ignore him! And Kurogane would be sane and normal and NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION! Kurogane made a mental note to never speak to Fai again, ever, for as long as he lived. Or however long it took him to get back home. Whichever came first.
"So Princess Tomoyo isn't Kuro-sama's most precious person?" Fai inquired in a tone that was probably described as purring. His voice disturbed Kurogane almost as much as the question, and yet he was still answering and throwing his earlier well-founded wisdom and oath headfirst from a proverbial rooftop. Anything to make Fai quit harping about Kurogane's imaginary illicit love affair with Princess Tomoyo, of all people!
"What about you, huh?" He countered sharply, setting his latest egg aside to scowl at the blonde man next to him. "You and your Ashura." He watched Fai flinch back, a new synthetic smile snapping into place like elastic over the way Fai's eyes got a little too wide and his shoulders tensed up and his milky skin got just a little paler. Even with the smile for defense, Fai still looked away a little too quickly for true spontaneity. It was ridiculous. Did Fai have any idea how easy he was to read when he got like this? Did he want to be called out?
"No," Fai denied, fingers stumbling over the egg he held. "King Ashura is not my most… Ha ha…!" He grinned up at Kurogane as though that incredibly fake laugh had magically made everything right as rain. In actuality, that laugh just dug him in deeper and Kurogane felt himself become suddenly annoyed on a level too deep to be affected by pastel colors and mindless egg-related drudgery. "That would just be… silly. He isn't my most precious person."
Kurogane should have been willing to leave it at that, probably. He'd gotten his petty revenge and he knew Fai wasn't willing to bring up the subject again now that Kurogane had some ammo of his own. In fact, he'd probably ensured that Fai wouldn't speak again for a long while, or would wander off looking for eggs again, both of which should have been welcome changes. But no, Kurogane leaned forward, blocking Fai's hand when he reached for another egg to distract himself with. Fai's smile wasn't quite enough to hide the desperation in his eyes.
"Ah… Kuro-min?"
"Then who is?" Kurogane asked, frustrated with them both. He didn't know why he needed to ask this, and that made him angry with himself, but he knew it needed to be answered and he likewise knew that Fai would never answer it. Since the day he'd met him, Fai had never answered an important question of Kurogane's in a normal way. He complained about being out of weapons when he meant something more to the effect of 'please save me, because I'm about to get myself killed'. He told everyone that the Dimension Witch had taken his magic when the truth was that he was too cowardly to use it without a seal on his back. When asked if he would be alright on a certain mission he replied with cheerful promises that he would be fine when he meant that he didn't want to be fine and that's why he signed up for that mission (coincidentally, Kurogane no longer left Fai in strangely deserted places to 'investigate further' while the rest of the group went hunting for the feather).
Fai looked down, and immediately set to proving him right.
"No one, I suppose…" He reached for the eggs again, and this time when Kurogane caught his hand, he snatched it back, smile going hard at the edges until Kurogane supposed he was looking at Fai's equivalent of a glare.
"Then there's no one important to you?" Kurogane pressed, ignoring Fai's silent warnings. He'd gotten enough of those from Kurogane, both silent and spoken, and ignored them all. He started it; he could most certainly put up with having his own shoved aside as though privacy and lies meant nothing. After all, the kid didn't lie, the princess didn't lie, and maybe Kurogane wouldn't have to lie either, if the mage could spit out the truth for half a second. "Or is it just that you're not willing to speak about that person?"
Fai said nothing, eyes burning into Kurogane's own. Kurogane glowered back, like he could see through Fai when he really couldn't, and eventually lost patience with that game, turning back to the egg pile and reaching for the next feather candidate. It wasn't as though Fai's silence hadn't answered for him, anyway.
"It's Kuro-woof," Fai murmured suddenly. Kurogane's hand froze before it found the egg, and even though he knew absolutely no good could come from this, he still turned back to look at Fai with his coldest gaze. Fai was staring into the distance, and the apocalypse appeared to be nigh, because he was frowning. Kurogane hadn't been aware he knew how to do that, and Fai really didn't look like the same person anymore. "…You're my most precious person."
Which was, without a doubt, the most pitiful attempt at deflection that Kurogane had ever heard. Fai might as well have said that he was burning with undying love for Mokona, and Kurogane's mouth opened to tell him as much before Fai seized him by the head, fingers sinking through his hair to scratch against his scalp, and shoved Kurogane back without preamble, hurling them both into the egg pile and sending the decorated orbs flying everywhere, until all Kurogane could see was peach, pink, yellow, blue, and… blue.
Fai's eyes looked like something someone might want to paint on these eggs, Kurogane realized, surprised at how bright the blue was up close. The artist in question would probably never manage to capture it on something as ridiculous as an egg, but he could see why someone might want to… Fai's eyes were…
Why were they so close?
"It's Kuro-woof. You're my most precious person…"
Fai was stretched out on top of Kurogane like a lanky blanket, and Kurogane somehow became aware of every other sensation, from the boot that was digging into his shin to the fingertips still fit against his scalp before the most obvious one. What actually did the trick was when either Fai breathed out or Kurogane breathed in, because that chemical-laced sugar tasted even worse than it smelled, and Kurogane shoved Fai off of him, spitting furiously to get the aftertaste of Fai's kiss out of his mouth. Fai sat up too in another shower of eggs, looking bewildered in a way that almost made Kurogane think that hadn't been intentional.
Almost.
That had definitely been intentional.
"Kurogane-san! Fai-san! Are you alright?" Sakura, he could see out of the corner of his eye, who was stumbling over through the ocean of eggs that had washed all around them when the mountain came tumbling down. Mokona was still mysteriously missing. Syaoran was at Sakura's side, helping her through, and looking equally worried. Apparently neither of them had noticed Fai's dirty trick to change the subject.
"What happened? Did something—"
Kurogane stopped listening at this point because the foul taste in his mouth had decided to stick around, and he thought it might kill him in the very immediate future. Fai giggled next to him, managing to feign sheepishness with another fake grin. "I guess Kuro-chu didn't like it so much," he commented in a disappointed tone of voice that didn't match his evil, evil soul. Kurogane glared at him with as much force as he could muster before trying to scour his mouth out with renewed force. Fai crept closer, also apparently ignoring the kids, who were waylaid by something or another that Kurogane would probably care about when his mouth didn't taste like a candy factory in the worst possible way. "Aren't you going to tell me that I will be put to death in the event that I even think of trying it again?"
"That was disgusting!" Kurogane choked out, sticking his tongue out with high hopes and quickly drawing it back in because the air of this world seemed to be equally sugary. There was something so wrong with this place that it wasn't even funny. Kurogane might never be able to eat eggs again. In fact he might never be able to even look at a chicken without reliving the trauma.
"I usually don't get that response," Fai lamented, and Kurogane took the opportunity to wonder if Fai was actually insane, because he seemed to be, because… Because he'd lost the smile and actually looked genuinely upset for reasons that could not be entirely about pride because… Fai had just kissed another man, and it didn't seem to bother him! He didn't HAVE any pride!
AND WHY THE HELL WASN'T THAT BOTHERING KUROGANE?
Kurogane groaned under his breath, spitting again, and taking some very small dark enjoyment out of the fact that he was giving these eggs a treatment that they deserved. He shouldn't be thinking about this anyway. Whenever he was around Fai, the mage always managed to put these disturbing thoughts in his head and proceed to make him agonize over them for shamefully long periods of time—that was not going to happen this time! This was stupid and Kurogane wasn't even going to consider it!
"Next time," he snarled at Fai, who managed to look, somehow, even more dejected at his tone of voice, "Wash your mouth out with vinegar before you even think of trying that again!"
At which point Fai's mouth dropped open, and Kurogane didn't care because he wasn't going to consider this. Instead he clambered to his feet, stomping over to the kids with a grimace, and determinedly pretending not to hear anything Fai said next, especially any questions in oddly serious tones of voice about where he could find some vinegar for unspecified purposes.
It seemed that Syaoran and the princess had found the feather when one of the falling eggs popped open. Good. Kurogane couldn't wait to get out of this stupid world and leave all of its insanity behind. Mokona was probably in the other egg pile.