I regret nothing.
Of Madness and Men
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After Rakuzan had won the Interhigh Tournament during Taiga's last year in high school, Akashi had turned to him (and by extension, Kuroko), and smiled. What a wonderful game, he had said. If it is at all possible, might we all celebrate later at an appropriate venue? I will, of course, bring refreshments. What do you say?
Kuroko (who had swallowed his crocodile tears so fast Taiga thought he'd choked on them) had offered up Taiga's apartment. After jabbing him quite hard in the solar plexus, Taiga had agreed. Plans were then made, text invitations sent out, and Taiga found himself housing players that he still could stand only one or two days out of the week. Yet Kuroko had looked up at him with those big, blue eyes, and had flexed his bony fingers menacingly. Knowing his shadow would not hesitate to poke the hell out of him, Taiga merely sighed, and set about making some snacks before everyone arrived.
Yet if he had known the chaos that would descend that evening, he would have set his foot down. He would have locked Aomine in the bathroom, brought Murasakibara down with a stun gun, and never have invited Himuro or Kise at all. Midorima he would have stranded out on the porch, and Takao...well, actually his living room was looking pretty good, so his attendance wasn't a total disaster. Yet Alex had been less than helpful; Akashi had some serious explaining to do - when they found the bastard, that was - and Kuroko...well. Taiga knew exactly what he was going to do to Kuroko, and it was going to be time-consuming, drastic, and- well. Not something to be talked about in polite company.
Yes, all his friends were crazy. He should have known better than to have hosted a party and invite the Generation of Miracles, Takao, and Tatsuya. Yet more than any single person, however, he blamed the "tequila."
Magic and Miracles simply did not mix well.
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Taiga had only stepped out for a moment. Five minutes, tops. His dad had called and rather than shout over the din of eight of the best basketball players in Japan, he had palmed his key, caught Kuroko's eye, and then took the call out in the hallway. He leaned back against his door and chatted, keeping one ear on the party in his apartment. Yet his father had just gotten into work, and so their call was brief. Like he said - five minutes, and then he walked right back in.
Five minutes was apparently long enough for reality to unravel at the seams, however. Taiga opened the door to silence, where mere moments before it had been loud enough for him to worry about his neighbors complaining to their landlord. If that wasn't eerie enough, he couldn't immediately see anyone. His apartment was big but not that big. Where the hell had everyone gone? Hackles rising on the back of his neck, Taiga stepped slowly into the apartment, eyes whipping from one corner of the kitchen to the other. He knew the setup for one of Takao's pranks when he saw it - but where would his friends strike from?
And then he saw it. Two empty bottles of Patrón lying on their sides on his kitchen counter. Around them were scattered eight glasses and tea cups, including Akashi's fancy china one. Taiga paled at the realization. Eight men had, in under five minutes, drained two whole bottles of tequila. Now that he knew what had happened, his primary concern was not where everyone was. He now only wondered if they were all alive.
There were at least five coaches in Japan that were going to kill him.
"Hello, Kagami-kun. I trust that everything is well with your family?"
...Or maybe just four? Taiga should be used to this by now, he really should. But before he could express his surprise at his partner's sudden appearance, he was arrested by the feel of a small, yet powerful hand tracing a slow path up and down his spine. Taiga shivered, and whipped his head around to see his partner.
"Kuroko?!" He lowered his pitch so that when he next spoke, it would be audible to humans, rather than just dogs. "What are you doing?!"
Kuroko smiled, and it was similar enough to the expression he would adopt immediately prior to torturing Taiga with Nigou that Taiga's shoulders rose in defense. Yet it was just different enough to cause Taiga's heart to sputter against his ribcage, as well. "I am simply checking on your spinal column. Everything appears to be in order." His fingers dipped lower, so that they were caressing the small of his back. "But one can never be too careful…"
What was going on here? Was...Kuroko drunkenly feeling him up? Mind swirling, Taiga's eyes fell on the empty bottles and out came the only thing he could be sure of. "Tequila!"
Kuroko cocked his head in question and blinked slowly before he caught on. "Ahh, are you upset we didn't save any for you? My apologies, Kagami-kun. Everyone was just so...excited." At the last, his hand dipped down so that it cupped Taiga's rear, and daringly squeezed.
Half the blood rushed to his face, and the other half to an unmentionable location. Taiga squeaked and bent over, doing his best to hide his situation. "Kuroko! I! You! Tequila!"
Kuroko chuckled. "Kagami-kun is so cute. I'll have to reward him for such behaviour later…" Before Taiga could begin squeaking again (let alone straighten up - what if Kuroko groped him again? God forbid, what if he continued liking it?) Kuroko leaned in and placed a kiss right at the junction of Taiga's throat and jaw, lightly sucking on it as he pulled away. Taiga's erection throbbed, and he whimpered, momentarily closing his eyes.
Yet when he opened them, Kuroko was nowhere to be seen. He was standing alone in his kitchen, utterly confused and uncomfortably aroused. Had that actually happened? Had Kuroko just come onto him? He could still feel the sensation of Kuroko's mouth at his jawline, and the remembrance made his whole body throb. Kuroko had insinuated there would be a next time. Did Taiga want there to be a next time? And did that mean Kuroko wanted him?
Taiga shook his head. He couldn't handle this right now. So far, he knew that Kuroko was still alive (excellent) but he had seven other people to locate…
"Non, non, non. Ze energy is all wrong! Ze room needs to breaze. Breaze! Too much boxy, too much utilitarian streamlined...now, I'm zinking….light. Buoyant. Efficient. And ze sofa has got to go."
Taiga ducked out into the living room, where Takao stood with his hands on his hips, clucking his tongue and gesturing imperiously as only minor royalty or annoyed frenchwomen could. Takao paused, pursed his lips, and then sashayed up and down the length of the room. "God knows how he manages in a room so devoid of feng shui. Barbarous! I simply must make some changes. I couldn't live wiz myself ozerwise!"
Taiga was fairly sure the effects of too much tequila involved lack of balance, inhibitions, and a mix of giggles, tears, and/or kisses; followed by eventual retching. Not...this. Whatever this was. He watched on in horror as Takao the Now French Interior Designer inspected his drapes.
"Ugh, but zis is hideous! Who picked zis out, a blind man from Nepal? Chambray, now. Zat would be just ze zing!"
Taiga didn't know who chambray was when it was at home, but he figured Takao would rip the curtains if he wasn't careful. He stepped into the living room to pull the deranged point guard away from the windows when he suddenly realized there was someone else in the room. At the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of something tall, green, and annoying. It was standing next to Taiga's TV, holding itself stock still, arms outstretched at its side, gaze fixed unwaveringly at the wall. Midorima was standing in his living room doing his best impression of a coat rack and Taiga could only suspect that either he had fallen and hit his head when he'd gone outside to take his dad's call, or the world had run mad.
Before he could say anything, however, Takao flitted over, flapping his hands like an overexcited terrier might wag its tail. "And who places a bookshelf flush against a tv? Could anything disrupt ze flow of ze room more? I tell you, I've never seen such a fashion disaster. My, my. I have my hands full up wiz zis one!"
It had to be a joke. It had to be. But when Midorima didn't move even when Takao ran his hands along his waist and arms, muttering something about superior craftsmanship, Taiga began to worry.
"Now, if only we had an ottoman...ah! Speak and ze gods shall answer!"
As soon as Takao announced his desire for a footstool, Midorima immediately got down onto all fours. He held himself perfectly still as Takao ran his hand along his back and down his leg, gesturing elegantly like they did in commercials. "Well, I must say, for all ze disconnect in ze arrangement, Kagami has some excellent pieces! Such strong, yet supple material! Zis and ze bookcase are simply works of art!"
The ottoman flushed, and its lips turned up in a satisfied smile. Taiga could take no more. Whatever the Shuutoku teammates got up to in their spare time - and this was either the oddest foreplay Taiga had ever heard of, or they had just spontaneously gone insane - they were clearly alive, and neither seemed like they were about to hurl. That left five people to find - and one to re-find - and only three rooms for them to be in: his room, his father's/the guest room, and the bathroom.
As if on cue, the bathroom door flew open. Out came Murasakibara, who glanced around, twisting his head, shoulders, and palmarflexioned wrists in perfect rhythm, like a dancing girl in a musical. When his eyes lit on Taiga, he could see they were heated with a mixture of excitement...and lust. Yet before he could do anything other than whimper in fear, Murasakibara descended upon him, walking sultrily as a model on a catwalk, ripping his shirt open at the seams as he went. "Looking tasty, Kaga-chin. Mind if I take a bite?"
Oh sweet sassy molassy.
He was saved by a disturbance behind Murasakibara. Tatsuya and Kise came tumbling out of the bathroom, half-dressed and flailing their arms like young girls fighting on a schoolyard.
"He's mine!"
"No, he's mine!"
"I saw him first!"
"He sleeps in my bed!"
Kise gasped. "You whore!"
Murasakibara chuckled and stretched, bringing attention to his well-groomed happy trail. "Boys, please. There's no need to fight. I'm hungry enough for the both of you…"
Tatsuya and Kise flung themselves to either side of Murasakibara, and Taiga was quite sure his brain was broken. His theory was confirmed when Kise proceeded to wrap his arms and legs around the center like a koala, whereas his older brother figure contented himself with taking one of Murasakibara's fingers and sucking on it lasciviously. This couldn't be happening, Taiga assured himself. This just couldn't be real.
Meanwhile, Murasakibara purveyed his options. "What do you say, Kaga-chin? I'm down to lick your lolly, if you know what I mean."
Taiga swayed, and only the suspicion that the giant would plunder him if he passed out kept him conscious.
"And that is a fine looking ottoman. I'd tap that. Mmmm. Look at that ass."
Before Murasakibara could make known his opinions on anyone else in the room, Taiga tore past them, leaping for the safety of his bedroom. Mind unable to process the idea of Murasakibara the Sexual Deviant tapping Midorima the Inanimate Object(s), he focused on the essentials. Three more people found, three (counting Kuroko, who he wasn't actively looking for, but damn it might be kind of nice to see him again anyway) to go. Three down…
He threw himself into his room, somewhat relieved that the lights were off. Surely the remaining players - Aomine, Akashi, and Kuroko - wouldn't be in his room in the dark, would they?
Oh god he hoped they weren't in his room in the dark-
Taiga reached over and switched on his lamp, throwing a dim light over the room. It was enough to dispel his fears - there was only one figure in the room, sitting on his floor and wrapped up in his blanket like a frightened child. Judging by his build it could only be one of the three...but why was Aomine alone in his room?
Taiga sighed. At this point, he really should be beyond wondering why any of this was happening. Clearly the tequila had been filled with liquid crazy, and when he got ahold of Akashi - who had supplied it - there would be hell to pay.
"Kagami?" Aomine's voice was shaky and small, and although the thought of comforting him would normally have rendered Taiga exceedingly uncomfortable, it was a profound relief when compared to the last 10 minutes. Here was an understandable response to the amount of tequila the guys had imbibed, at least.
"Yeah?"
"Can we...can we talk about our feelings?"
Oh god. "What feelings?" After a moment in which the situation caught up with him, he continued. "Tell me this isn't the part where you tell me you're secretly in love with Kuroko, because I am not helping you out with that-"
Aomine flapped his arms and the blanket fluttered around his ankles. It still covered his head, however, so in the dim light his expression was hidden. "No! See? That's exactly what I'm upset about! Everyone always assumes I want to sex them up! People are always going on about how hot I'd be with Kuroko, Kise...even yourself! I don't get it! Why does everyone assume I'm a sex-crazed stud who can think of nothing more than his next conquest? I'm not even gay, for crying out loud!"
Taiga blinked. "You're not?"
Aomine sniffed. "No! And furthermore, I don't want to be the sex symbol of our group of friends. I...I just want to sit on the couch and cuddle. With Satsuki. While watching romantic comedies."
Taiga was having a hard time comprehending all this. "And you're sure you're not gay? Because everyone else seems to be."
"I want to cuddle with Satsuki."
Taiga gave up. "Don't you do that anyway?"
Aomine considered this. "I want to cuddle more."
"Ok, well. Just tell her that. She's spent her whole life taking care of you, I'm sure she'd be down for mandated cuddle time."
"But she thinks I'm gay too! She...she ships me with other men."
Damn. That was rough. Taiga winced, and patted Aomine's arm. "Just...do your best, yeah? If it helps, I totally ship you and Momoi."
"You do?!"
Not really. But this was the sanest interaction he'd had all night and he wasn't going to mess it up now. "Totally. But hey...what happened to everybody? Did you guys really drink all that tequila? And why is Murasakibara hitting on everyone?"
But Aomine had already turned away, and was fumbling with his cell phone.
"Hey, Ahomine! Answer me!"
"Quiet, Bakagami. Calling Satsuki. Am confessing."
"You can't do that when you're drunk!"
"Shhhh. I'm going to tell her I ship us."
Taiga gave up. Clearly, this was one of those nights where things just happened and then everyone did their level best to forget about all of it the next day. He merely hoped - and this was uncharitable of him, but he was quickly approaching the end of his rope - that they all had hangovers the size of Osaka when they all woke up tomorrow morning. Granted, of course, that they were all still alive.
Taiga slunk back into the living room, where Takao had somehow managed to shift not just the sofa and the TV, but also his two bookcases. The point guard flitted about like a hummingbird, apparently ignoring Murasakibara's attempts to rub himself sinuously against him, and Midorima's looming rage directly behind him. The matter was solved when Midorima whacked the giant upside the head with the TV remote.
Murasakibara turned, blinked, and smiled. "Ahh, Mido-chin. I didn't know you were the jealous type. I'll make time for you too, big boy…"
Midorima's eyes widened in terror, but he was saved by Takao coming in between them and artistically arranging the shooting guard's limbs. "Oh, I cannot zink with all zis racket! Monsieur, please. Take your fanboys and go. I have a potted plant to rearrange."
Murasakibara leered. "I like French food."
"It does not like you. Go. You disrupt ze symmetry."
In the background, Tatsuya and Kise had apparently decided to put aside their rivalry long enough to become backup singers. They sang together, in surprisingly good harmony. "Ohhhhh, woah woah - Frenchie don't want your kissssss. Ohhhhhh woah woah - don't want your hand on his diiiiii-"
Taiga did not wait around long enough to see where the song might go after that. He raced around the corner into father's room (on the rare occasions he came to Japan), slamming the door behind him. He leaned back, panting, as his eyes adjusted to the room.
It was official. He was never talking to any of these people ever again.
Just as his heart rate settled down, a quiet voice at his side jacked it back up again. "Hello again, Kagami-kun."
This time, he really did jump. "Ahh! Kuroko. You gotta' stop doing that!"
His shadow looked slyly up at him before biting his lower lip. "Doing what, Kagami-kun? Am I doing something that makes you...upset?"
The expression on Kuroko's face and the depth of his blue eyes made Taiga's brain slow down. He remembered how Kuroko's mouth felt against his neck and it shut down entirely. "N-No. No, you- no. I'm just...confused."
"Confused about what, Kagami-kun?" Kuroko pressed himself against Taiga's side and trailed his fingers down from Taiga's collarbone. It was a seduction one thousand times more effective than Murasakibara's, and Taiga's blood rushed south for the second time that night.
He steeled himself to make an intelligible reply. "The um, the party. And the tequila. And the crazy. Why is Takao French?"
"Mmmm. Is he? I thought he was Korean." Kuroko shifted so that they were now facing each other, and tilted his head just so. His blue eyes sparkled, and Taiga's brain was now in imminent danger of shutting down permanently.
"Y-yeah. Better than Midorima. He's a potted plant, now."
"Is he."
"And Aomine is shipping people."
"Oh?"
"And - ohfuckyes."
Taiga's head fell back, eyes closing as Kuroko brushed up against his erection. It was a slow, deliberate action, and enough to signal Kuroko's interest - crazy juice or not, Taiga couldn't help himself. He reached for his partner, yet stumbled forward when there was nothing in front of him. Just as he regained his balance, there was a voice in his ear.
"You've been a good boy, Kagami-kun. Continue doing so for just a little while longer, and then I will reward you…"
Then Kuroko was gone, and Taiga haltingly exhaled. Delicious as that was, he still had no idea what was going on. He was aroused and confused, frustrated and getting rather tired. Yet he was stuck in an apartment full of crazy people, several of which were hitting on him. And, seeing as how he was now the only person in the room, he still hadn't found Akashi. Could he have snuck out when Taiga was talking to Aomine? No, he distinctly remembered seeing Akashi's classy dress shoes at his door. And the bathroom door had been opened when he walked past it… Taiga threw open his father's closet, frowning when there was no one inside. That left only his own closet, or the kitchen pantry. But why the hell would Akashi choose to hide in either of those locations?
At the moment, Taiga could care less. He retrieved his cell phone from his back pocket, and dialed the number automatically. He simply couldn't handle this. There was only one thing to do: he had to put his faith in a higher power.
He brought the phone to his ear. "Hello, Alex?"
"Rawr."
Well. At least he had the right number. "Ok, listen. Got a question for you. Is it possible to - just hear me out, ok - is it possible to get crazy instead of drunk when you drink two bottles of tequila in about five minutes?"
"No. But I'm very impressed. You should probably be calling the hospital, though, as you're going to die any minute now."
"No, no. I didn't drink it - everyone else in the apartment did. But listen! Two bottles of tequila, eight players...does that equal crazy?"
Alexandra mused. "How crazy are we talking, here?"
"Aomine is confessing to Momoi."
"Pshh. Breakfast Club."
"Takao has become French and rearranged my living room."
"Interesting, yet still within the realm of possibility."
"Murasakibara is hitting on everyone. And Tatsuya and Kise are fighting over him!"
Alexandra sucked a breath in through her teeth. "Brutal. Who's winning? And you're recording all this, right?"
It was time to bring out the big guns. "Midorima is impersonating inanimate objects."
"Well-"
"And we can't find Akashi."
Alexandra gasped. "Get out of the apartment. Grab Tatsuya if you can. The end has come."
"So is that a yes on the crazy? How do I make them sane?"
"You can't rush sobriety. I'd say make them coffee but the added caffeine may simply make it worse. But seriously, Tai - I'd just go. Scramble. Spend the night with your ghost and deal with the fallout in the morning."
Taiga was very careful not to look down at his dying erection as he spoke, and even more careful not to think about what spending the night with him would be like. "That wouldn't work. He's here too."
Alexandra tutted. "And he's gone crazy too, huh? Ooooh, what's his malfunction?"
You've been a good boy, Kagami-kun. Continue being so for just a little while longer, and then I will reward you… Taiga grit his teeth. "I'd rather not say."
"Huh? Why not? What'd he do, become hypervisible?"
"No, it's just…" Taiga couldn't help it. He glanced down and blushed. "It's hard."
"...to explain?"
"...not exactly."
Even half the world away, Alexandra got it. "Ahh, we're talking about your cock, here, aren't we-"
Taiga hung up. No help was forthcoming. Besides, he could hear Aomine crooning through the wall, in a surprisingly pleasant baritone. (Wise meeeeeeeen saaay...only fooooools ruuuuuush in. But I. Can't. Help. Falling in loooooove wiiiiiiith youuuuuuuu.)
That settled it. This wasn't the effects of tequila. No, this was magic. There was magic going on in his apartment and he didn't like it one bit. When he found the misbegotten wizard who had caused all this, they were going to have words.
In the meantime, Taiga rubbed his forehead. Aomine's singing made it extremely unlikely that Akashi was in his bedroom closet, as if he had been, he'd probably be joining in and harmonizing by now. At this point it made perfect sense. It was simply how the entire night was going. So he had a few options. Apart from finding Akashi - and if he wasn't in the kitchen pantry he was giving up, he called it now - there were only a few ways of dealing with his crazed guests. Either he barricaded himself into his father's room and hoped that no one managed to burn the apartment down, or he could call his Coach and the Pineapple guy from Shuutoku to come and take care of this. But then he'd had to scrape pineapple off his carpet tomorrow morning, and Coach would likely kill him for having the party in the first place.
There was, of course, a third option. If he could just enter the zone, he could find Kuroko, pin him down to the kitchen counter, and-
Taking a deep breath, Taiga threw open his father's bedroom door, ducking reflexively around the hulking figure directly outside.
"Keeping the bed warm for me, Kaga-chin?"
Taiga fled down the hallway, wondering if Yousen's coach would mind if he beaned Murasakibara over the head with a frying pan. Would anyone even notice? He meant to duck into the kitchen immediately to check Akashi's last hiding place but froze when he caught sight of Tatsuya and Kise, both straining, grunting, stripped down to their underwear…
...sumo wrestling in his living room. They had even wrapped their hair into lopsided topknots by way of rubber bands. Kise leaned down into Tatsuya, gritting his teeth as he attempted to topple his opponent. Tatsuya grunted loudly, pushing his nubile body back up against Kise's. Watching them, Taiga finally understood why sumo was a sport for excessively large men. It would be too damn sexy, otherwise.
"Hyaaaaaahhhhh!"
Tatsuya had rallied, and Kise was down. He rolled slowly as Tatsuya walked a circle around him, arms outstretched like a champion American wrestler. At his side, Murasakibara growled in appreciation, and made his way over to give him a victory pat-on-the-butt. This was then followed by a victory caress-on-the-butt and a victory makeout-session-in-Taiga's-living-room and then Taiga decided he didn't want to see anymore of that, thank you very much, and glanced over to Kise, who still rolling, oddly enough, and had practically run up against a box that Taiga didn't remember being there before…
"Kise! Desist your rolling this instant! You will knock over my masterpiece!" Midorima harrumphed down at his ex-teammate, and Taiga, after a moment of utter incomprehension, realized what it was that he was looking at. It was a shrine. To Takao. Midorima was currently building a shrine to his point guard, out of dried noodles, notebook paper, a packing crate that he knew he'd put away in the linen closet, and glue. Within the confines of the packing crate/shrine lay what appeared to be tufts of hair, a cell phone, and Takao's shirt. Taiga's gaze swung over to Takao, who was reclining on the couch, shirtless, and looking all too pleased. Taiga paled. This was one step away from chalk circles on his floor and risen demons, and there was only so much a man could take. After a cautious glance over at Murasakibara that ensured the center was still hungrily devouring his best friend (ewwwww) Taiga stepped close to Takao, leaned down, and bet it all on a hunch.
"What the hell is going on, here?"
Takao leaned back, and Taiga saw he had been only half correct. Crazy swirled in Takao's eyes, just as it did in everyone else's - but he was aware enough to smile, and reply. Thankfully, he also ditched the horrendous French accent. "Are you sure you want to know, Kagami?"
Taiga thought about it. No. No, he really did not. He did need to know where Akashi was, however. "Where is Akashi? He didn't...leave, did he?"
"Oh, yes. Quite a while ago. He was very adamant about it."
Taiga's eyes flew to the doorway, where Akashi's shoes rested. "Without his shoes?"
"He said they'd only slow him down."
Sweet Jesus. At just that moment, Taiga's cellphone vibrated, and he fished it out to read: Found AkaBrat. Made national news. Currently scaling Tokyo Tower, sans shoes. He's halfway up. God help us all. Hugs and Kisses, Alex.
That was the end. Ignoring Midorima's jealous scowls, Taiga staggered into the kitchen, fingers splaying on the countertop to keep him upright. Forget their coaches, he'd be lucky if he wasn't deported for this.
There was only one thing left to do. Next to his left hand was a teacup filled to the brim with the magical tequila. He exchanged his cell phone for the tea cup, thought briefly of the delicate curve of Kuroko's neck, then tipped his head back, and drank.
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Taiga awoke the next morning lying naked on the floor of his father's room, covered only by a quilt, a dozen or so lovebites, and Kuroko. He looked down at his shadow, who had somehow managed to shift completely on top of him, dozing like a cat in the early afternoon sunshine. Taiga smiled, basking in the glow of bossy, hypersexed lovers who sported inexplicable bedheads.
Just then, Kuroko shifted against him, rolling his hips against Taiga's and making him suck in an exhale. His lover slowly raised his head as he blinked the sleep out of his eyes. "Mmmmm. Good morning, Kagami-kun."
It wasn't like Taiga had forgotten all about what had happened last night. Akashi and his ill-advised climb up Tokyo Tower was particularly disturbing. Yet the rest of the world could wait, Taiga decided, as he leaned up to take Kuroko's mouth in a kiss. For insane as last night had been - and no doubt as the fallout would be as well - he had something far more crazy and wonderful here in his arms, and he was going to waste no more time in loving it.
...maybe next time, however, without the tequila.
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This is partially in honor of the crazy trombone house party wherein we killed 4 - count them - 4 bottles of tequila. We never found the host's pants.
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Also, Kagami's thoughts on the inherent sexiness of sumo wrestlers may not be my own. Take it as you'd like.
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I also apologize to France, on Takao's behalf.