Two teenage girls + too much Monty Python + the decision to write a story at 1 AM = THIS.
Legs and Lacrima hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: If we owned anything, the Harry Potter franchise would be infinitely more patheic. Ergo, we own nothing. Except quite a lot of imaginary narcotics, which is the only explanation for this load of shit we wrote.
Mafalda Hopkirk is an ex-policewoman working for the Navy as a secretary. She works for Aberfoth Dumbledore, who is married to Molly Weasley but having an affair with a very small clean man known as Dobby the house elf. Now Mafalda Hopkirk finds her co-man secretary, Snape Snape Severus Snape, mysteriously attractive. But Aberforth's regime forbids office romance, so their love for the time goes unsaid. However, when Aberforth goes to undertake a military coup in Cuba, he is forced to co-operate in an office fashion with Cuba's fascist dictator, Cedric Diggory, who is married to Pansy Parkinson, his childhood sweetheart and wife for 20 years (Cedric is 25). But Aberforth's philosophy on office romance is turned upside-down when he realises he finds Cedric mysteriously attractive. But Aberforth and Cedric's game of Hide The Salami is cut short by Pansy Parkinson walking in on them while delivering a package (her job is a mailman). She does not object to her husband having an affair for she is secretly a lesbian with Ginny Weasley (Molly's sister) and is only married for convenience and tax reasons. But Pansy is appalled that Aberforth is cheating on both Molly and Dobby, but she believes that Aberforth is in fact married to Dobby and cheating on him with Molly. The plot thickens.
Meanwhile in Cuba... Draco Malfoy and his assistant and lovebitch Lee Jordan are plotting a guerrilla counter-coup against Aberforth's military coup against Cedric Diggory's fascist dictatorship. So Aberforth sends Mafalda Hopkirk and Snape Snape Severus Snap to negotiate with the guerrillas. But Lee Jordan and Mafalda Hopkirk fall in love on a guerrilla cruise to Santa Monica. This makes both Draco Malfoy and Snape Snape Severus Snape incredibly angry, and it culminates in a bitchfight duel of epic proportions between Draco Malfoy, Lee Jordan and Snape Snape Severus Snape on the cruise poop deck with Scooby-Doo-shaped paddles. Draco kills Lee in a fit of passionate hate ("If I can't have you, no-one can!"), leaving the guerrilla counter-coup and an arrangement of appetisers in tatters. Cue guitar solo.
Meanwhile, back in Cuba (the cruise was duly cancelled), Mafalda Hopkirk has grief-filled pity sex with Snape Snape Severus Snape after one of her true loves has deaded. Draco is drowning in guitar sorrowed misery, which is amplified once he is arrested by Aberforth, who has recently become a boat detective.
Meanwhile no longer in Cuba, Pansy Parkinson has gone to break the bad news of Aberforth's cheating to Dobby and Molly. It is now that a surprise declaration that Molly is pregnant with Cormac McLaggen's alien lovechild, and the shock of this entire serious revelation has sent her into premature labour. All previous dilemmas temporarily put aside, Pansy commandeers one of Aberforth's helicopters (the one with Xena Warrior Princess fucking Margaret Thatcher carved into the prow) and flies it to the hospital post-haste.
Meanwhile at a hospital not in Cuba, Molly is being treated by Dr Oliver Wood (AKA Dr McStiffy), and Ginny Weasley has been rushed to her side, until she gets bored and goes off to get jiggy with Pansy in a cupboard full of rubber gloves. Cormac McLaggen was unable to be present at his child's birth for he was too busy being an alien-cum-father-cum-sodomy recipient-cum-occasionally goat-cum-destitute drug addict-cum-boat detective sidekick. But McStiffy had a worried look on his face as the baby was born and insisted on rushing it away for further examination/treatment. At this news, Molly chucks a wobbly and is sent to a mental institution with Nurse Percy and Cedric Diggory, who upon discovering that his wife is a lesbian, tried to kill his landlord with a chicken (even though he's a fascist dictator and doesn't need a landlord, shut up.)
Meanwhile, once again in Cuba, Snape Snape Severus Snape reveals that he no longer loves Mafalda Hopkirk after her tryst with Lee Jordan. Mafalda suggests that they try to regain their love by taking a trip to a cliff in Acapulco, in a helicopter she commandeered from Aberforth, which is emblazoned with the aforementioned Xena-Thatcher inscription.
Meanwhile, in a Cuba-based Boat Detective Agency, Cormac McLaggen and Aberforth receive a letter telling them to go meet at cliff in Acapulco to discuss matters concering Cormac's baby. They take one of Aberforth's helicopters.
Meanwhile, back in a hospital/mental institution not in Cuba, Molly, Ginny, Pansy, Cedric and whoever else was 'round there somewhere, receive an identical letter of summons, so they get back in Aberforth's commandeered helicopter and head off to Acapulco.
Meanwhile, on a cliff in Acapulco, which probably isn't in Cuba, but it might be, we don't know, it is revealed that it was Dr Oliver McStiffy and his faithful bumboy Nurse Percy who summonded them with disturbing news about Molly and Cormac's newborn baby.
It has cancer.
TO BE CONTINUED...
WHAT THE HELL, WE'RE NOT GOING TO CONTINUE THIS! (There will most definitely be NO sequel) But you can leave a review if you like... ;D