disclaimer: It's Ryan Murphy's world, I just play in it.
author's note:
For the ever-so-fantastic Sherry (sparklehunter) Hope you enjoy it, lovely!
Title comes from David Gray's song This Year's Love
Thank you everyone who reads, likes and comments on my stories.
Heaven Knows It's High Time
.
"I love you."
dudum dudum dudum
"Wha-?"
duDUM duDUM duDUM
"I'm in love with you."
.
.
.
Surrendering goes like this:
.
.
.
The incessant ringing rips Sebastian forcibly from his dreamless sleep. He groans into his pillow, burying his face deeper into the soft and fluffy object as his arm blindly and hurriedly searches for the offending object, impatient to stop the irritating noise. His fingers slide, finally, over the smooth and thin lines of his phone and he almost breathes with relief. Almost, because his fingers are still sleep-ridden and numb and his phone falls from the nightstand to the floor with a dull thud.
"Fuck," he groans again and turns on his back, rolling to his side, still closed-eyed and - futilely - trying to ignore the loud sound that bounces off the walls of his bedroom and goes straight to his head.
He reaches towards the floor with his arm, legs twisting uncomfortably in the sheets and only adding to the rising frustration inside his body. "Oh, for fuck's sake!" he swears again, his voice hoarse. His palm is tapping against the carpet, hastily trying to locate the phone, quickly turning it off when he does. He throws it to the other side of the bed and rolls on his back again, kicking the sheets and untangling himself from the thin material. He sighs and rubs his eyes with the heels of his palms.
And breathes.
Keeps breathing as his consciousness lazily rises up from the slumber and he slowly gathers up his bearings. His mind wanders to the boy in the room across from his own. He thinks about what day it is - May, 29 - about the appointment he has at the gallery, about that same boy again and how it feels like things are starting to walk away from him. He fights to ignore the hum of anxiety beneath his skin.
The room is dark, still, only few rays of sun peaking through thick, midnight blue curtains and illuminating tiny dust moats levitating in the air.
Sebastian blinks his bleary eyes and stretches his long limbs; bones cracking into place. He yawns and pulls himself to sit. Patches of his skin are wrinkled where the cotton twisted and tattooed itself, telling the story of another restless night. He reaches for his phone; 8:06.
He shifts, bare feet dig into the carpet and he leans forward, elbows on his knees, and rubs his face in an effort to will the sleep away. There's another yawn and another after that before he stands up, slipping inside his pajama pants, with only one thought in mind: coffee.
The hallway is bright and the light pierces his eyeballs causing him to wince. He should probably go and splash some water on his face to get rid of the slumberous glue on his eyelids but coffee is still the only thing he can focus on. After all, that miraculous black liquid is the only thing with the power to chase away the tiredness and clear his head.
Well, one of two things.
The other one being his best friend.
Blaine Anderson, the only person who managed to help him drive away every single demon that had ever haunted him. The only person who helped plug the holes in his heart, helped him shed everything he wasn't. The best thing in his life.
Sebastian hears him maneuver around the kitchen while the music is carrying through the air, smells wafting towards him. He inhales, aromas filling up his senses: chocolate, cocoa, oranges, french toast, coffee. His stomach grumbles.
That almost desperate craving for caffeine simply flies from his consciousness the moment he's greeted with the sight of Blaine dancing in the kitchen, singing along with Pharrell Williams about happiness. Smile stretches easily across his face as he takes in the easy and vibrant moves of his body, the way life clings to him.
Blaine's back is turned to him and he's unaware of his presence so Sebastian just leans against the door frame, hands in the pockets of his pj's, and drinks it all in. Pauses to archive his every movement, and how appealing, how absolutely disarming they are; how utterly captivating Blaineis.
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Blaine is barefoot and barelegged, torso covered with an over-sized, washed out t-shirt that Sebastian elatedly recognizes as his own; from his Dalton days.
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Sebastian eyes the mess that their kitchen has become with an amused grin: there are pots and measuring cups scattered everywhere, in between jars of flour and cocoa, cartons of milk and eggs, peeled crusts of oranges. Two rakes of - half-burned - cookies are spread on the island. He wonders since exactly when has Blaine been up. A concern flashes inside his mind knowing fully well that there's absolutely no reason for him to be up.
Blaine continues to sing, free and light, adding claps against his thighs sporadically, keeping his focus on the stove, wrapped up in his own little world.
The glowing warmth floods Sebastian's chest cavity, spreading between veins and arteries, weaving around cells and nerves. His heart swells and he's happy, completely in the moment, until the moment breaks with the need, that sharp, sharp need, that familiar pull to move closer, inside the set lines. The need that remains denied. Always. The need that pierces his insides, that he struggles against, that strains his bones with a heavy, empty pressure. Oh god, if he could only erase this space between them, walk those few feet and fold his body over his.
He crosses his arms across his chest with a pressure and closes his eyes, breathes and tries to push himself away from the moment, from those dangerous thoughts that keep swaying inside his head.
They didn't happen. They probably won't happen. He's accepted that, resigned himself to it. Regardless, he's in love with him and there's no point in denying that. But Blaine is his best friend and he doesn't want to lose that. He can't. Just the thought is enough to shred his insides; it's simply too much to bear.
Mastering the skill of compartmentalization he managed to live removed from that part of himself. But it's getting difficult; he knows, you can't bottle down your feelings forever. Lately, he feels like a liar.
So he's stuck, between being grateful and desperate.
I'm so excited and I just can't hide it spills from the small speakers placed on top of the refrigerator, song ripping him from his thoughts.
He lets himself soak in it; lets Blaine's voice pour into his bloodstream.
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it
The warmth nestles into his chest, love pulsing inside his veins; a rhythm of his heartbeat. And then there's that pull, pull that makes him ache for more. For everything.
And I know
I know
I know
I know
I know
I want you
For a moment, for a second, he hopes, almost stops fighting himself but then he hears the whisper, one he can't ignore, and he remembers: friends. He remembers: sticky red liquid. Screams. Body falling. Body twisting on the cold asphalt. The familiar black taste of guilt rises up in his throat. He pushes those thoughts at the back of his head, together with that silly, silly hope.
After all, he already got that second chance. That chance he'd asked for years ago, guilt ridden and regretful, and more ashamed of himself than he could have ever imagined being.
He swallows the lump in his throat and focuses on savoring the sight before him.
I want to love you
Feel you
Wrap myself around you
I want to squeeze you
Please y-
"Oh really?" Sebastian smirks then and Blaine whirls around quickly, hand flying to his chest with a startled gasp.
"God, Bas! You scared the crap out of me." A shuddering laugh ripples through him and out of him. He moves to him then, smiling. "You're awake!" he exclaims as well, all bright-eyed and grinning, reaching for him and pulling him fully inside the kitchen.
"I am," Sebastian smiles back, easy and earnest even though his stomach is in knots. He doesn't know how not to smile around him, especially when he's like this: eyes almost too big and shining, dark curls free and bouncing, cheeks smeared with yolk and flour. He takes him in, melts and snickers. "And you were saying something about wanting to squeeze me?"
Blaine falls into a blush, shakes his head. "Oh shut up and sit down," he commands with a smile and moves to turn the volume down a bit as well as turning off the flame on the stove. Pointer Sisters fade, replaced by some cheesy 80's disco song that Sebastian's can't quite remember the name of.
"Mmm, bossy, I like it," Sebastian retorts with a wink. Blaine shoots him a mild glare and the taller boy chuckles, raising his hands in surrender, settling himself on a stool at the island. "Okay okay, but only if you tell me where I can find coffee in this mess."
"Oh, right," Blaine chuckles as well, looking around himself, searching for the coffee pot, momentarily forgetting where he relocated it.
Sebastian laughs at his bemusement, "Are you sure it's still here? Maybe the hurricane that blew through he-"
"Should you really mock the only person that can give you your morning fix?" Blaine challenges him, still adorably disoriented.
Another warm laugh spills from Sebastian's lungs. "Big words for someone who lost our coffee machine," he says. "Seriously killer, what's go-"
But he's cut off again when Blaine exclaims triumphantly, finally locating said coffee machine at the end of the counter, hidden behind the giant blender and the juicer. He's watching as Blaine maneuvers their kitchen appliances in an effort to free their coffee pot, stands and moves to the counter as well. He cracks the cupboard to retrieve their coffee mugs but Blaine is quick to show him his, already smeared and used this morning.
"How many coffees did you have?" Sebastian inquires as they wait for the machine to beep, taking notice that even for him Blaine seems more hyper this morning than usual.
"One?" Blaine says; more like asks. Sebastian raises an eyebrow. "Two." His eyebrows shoot up even more. "Two, I promise," Blaine defends himself with a laugh. "Mom." Sebastian rolls his eyes and tickles him, causing him to jerk and jump. "Hey!"
The green eyed boy smirks. "You should know not to mock me before I had my shot of espresso," he says as a way of apology, and bumps his hip.
Blaine looks up at him and nudges him back. "Silly me," he says with a smile.
Sebastian opens his mouth but the retort dies on his lips when their eyes meet and their gazes hold onto each other. His heart picks up, his chest tightens, his fingers start tingling. Blaine's mouth opens and then closes, amber shifting away and dropping to the counter. Sebastian swallows and retreats, sitting back at the island.
He needs a moment.
Breathing against the pressure that's squeezing his lungs he closes his eyes and presses his fingers at the back of his neck, hard.
The coffee machine beeps and he watches as Blaine pours their mugs and brings them to the island, quickly turning away and pulling the container of vanilla ice cream from the freezer, retrieving the spoon from the drawer as well.
The raven haired boy releases one scoop in his coffee, eyes flickering over at him, small smiles curling on his lips.
Something undisclosed drifts between them.
"Thanks, B," Sebastian smiles fondly at his friend, appreciating the gesture and this small, early morning treat. He reaches for his mug but Blaine bats his hand away.
"Not yet," he grins. "I'll be right back."
"Oh, come on. I'm dying here," Sebastian calls after him, amused and confused.
"It's going to be worth it," Blaine yells from somewhere in the apartment and Sebastian can't help but chuckle.
Two moments later and Blaine is back in the kitchen, one hand behind his back.
"Awfully sure of yourself, aren't you?" Sebastian challenges.
Blaine grins and reveals a bottle of Courvoisier with quite smug look on his face that quickly melts into pride and a smile.
"I was right, wasn't I?" Blaine inquires, noticing a surprised expression painting his best friend's features, and pours a little bit of rich amber liquid into the mug.
Confusion on Sebastian's face is replaced by a smirk. "You sure know me, don't you?"
Blaine smiles. "Yeah, I guess I do." Something shy flashes across his face.
The curly haired boy hands Sebastian the mug, fingers brushing his. They still and linger over his knuckles, thumb tracing them lightly before the taller boy takes his coffee.
Blaine smiles - a smile Sebastian can't place - and returns the ice cream tub back into the freezer. He takes a seat at the island as well, leaning forward with elbows on the surface.
"Good?" he asks with a giggle when Sebastian moans softly after taking a sip.
He nods. "Orgasmic," he adds, smirking and wiggling his eyebrows.
Blaine chuckles, his cheeks coloring slightly. He shakes his head and shifts his gaze to his hands; fingers pulling and flexing against each other, nervously.
They're quiet for a moment.
Sebastian wonders if maybe he's not the only one that knows that something has shifted, that he's not the only only feeling degree of uncertainty that seems to have inhabited the space between them.
Elton & Kiki sing Don't go breaking my heart.
Sebastian puts his mug down, twirls it in his hands and eyes the boy next to him.
"Ok, what's going on?" he asks with one more sip of his coffee.
"What do you mean?" Blaine asks, meeting his gaze.
Sebastian quirks an eyebrow, looking incredulous. "This," he starts by raising his mug. "French toast, orange juice, tomatoes," he continues, following his words with nods of his head in different directions. His favorites; all of it, and Blaine knows that. "And what is soon to be burned spinach," he concludes with a smirk.
"Oh, crap!" Blaine jumps from his seat, flies to the stove turning the flame off and exhaling in relief.
Sebastian snickers, turning in his set and leaning against the island, coffee mug in hand.
"Seriously, what's going on?" he inquires again when Blaine turns as well.
This isn't the first time Blaine overtook their kitchen and transformed it into a chaos. That happens especially on occasions when he tries his hand in more complicated meals; meals that always end up being a well-intentioned disasters. Nor is this the first time he made him breakfast. Considering the fact that those simple early morning meals are the high of their culinary abilities they do that quite often for each other. But this, today, feels like more.
There's something purposeful in Blaine's movements; in the very air.
"Nothing," Blaine shrugs and looks at Sebastian from underneath his eyelashes. His teeth skim his lip. His knuckles curling too tight at the edge of the counter. He's fidgeting; fiddles with the hem of his shirt.
Sebastian can't believe that he was ever so naive to think that living with this boy will in any way lessen the intensity of his feelings. He loved him then as well but he didn't know that it could be like this. He couldn't have imagined just how far and deep a love can take you.
"Come here," Sebastian invites him softly with a smile, lays the mug on the island and reaches out. Blaine's heart swells. He smiles, moves to him and Sebastian pulls him in between his legs and swipes his thumb across his cheek, attempting to remove the raw ingredients that are sticking on his skin. "You're a mess," he teases. Fucking beautiful.
Blaine stops breathing, forgets to swallow when Sebastian's fingers touch his flesh, his heart skipping faster and louder. Awareness of their proximity prickles at him. His mind traces invisible patterns across his naked torso, fingers itching to touch. The need to wrap himself around his friend thrumming underneath his skin, impossible to ignore; hard to fight against.
"I know," Blaine giggles, taking the kitchen cloth from the island and rubbing at his face.
Sebastian's hand opens against his cheek, thumb sweeps across the skin, softly. He lets himself have this, loses himself inside those big, amber eyes. He notices a blush spreading, notices how his breath hitches but doesn't read into it. He learned a long time ago not to read into these things. Physical attraction is one thing. Love, he knows, is something infinitely more more more. Blaine was always attracted to him, he knows that as well. He was attracted to him even when he hated his guts.
And yet... and yet hope still climbs through his bones.
"Sebastian-" Blaine says, barely above a whisper but it shakes him from his reverie.
"Sorry," words tumble quickly, awkwardly. He clears his throat, drops his hand and his gaze. But Blaine doesn't move.
"No. No I-"
pop pomp pomp pomp of the oven alarm breaks the moment. Blaine remains still for a second or two but then his eyes light up with realization and he turns around quickly, opening the oven and then looking frantically around.
Sebastian chuckles and notices oven mitts peeking from under one of the cooling racks and fishes them out.
"Looking for these?" he asks, voice laced with amusement.
"Yes! Thank you," Blaine sighs and grabs them, pulling the baking tray out of the oven. "Finally," he sighs delightfully at the perfectly baked batch of cookies.
Sebastian laughs softly and stands, getting another cooling rack from the lower cupboards and making place for it on the island. Blaine smiles as a thank you.
"Another one?" Sebastian inquires playfully. "Are we feeding an army? Or do we have house elves that I didn't know about?"
Blaine giggles. "I wanted a batch that's not burned." He explains. "Or the one that doesn't taste like cardboard," he adds and nods to the batch at the far end. He eyes the freshly baked cookies.
"Want to do the honors?" he asks.
"What, after you just gave yourself a glowing recommendation?" he teases.
Blaine sticks his tongue out at him and grabs one cookie, blows a little and takes a small bite.
"Mmmmm," he moans softly, "Perfect!"
"Congratulations!" Sebastian says in mock condescension.
Blaine glares at him. "You should be nice to me or no cookies for you," he threatens, smile twitching at the corners of his lips.
Sebastian grins at him, reaching forward without thinking and swipes his thumb at the corner of his mouth to remove tiny crumbs. He falls into a moment, caught inside Blaine's golden eyes and how they seem to gleam just a little bit brighter. Hope blooms inside his chest - welcomed and unwelcoming - and then deflates.
Friends he reminds himself as the memory drifts at the forefront of his consciousness.
"I could really use a friend," fills his mind, flashing an image of Blaine empty-eyed and small. He recalls his heart breaking, he recalls selfishly grabbing onto the hand Blaine had offered, promising himself to never screw this up.
He catches himself then and draws back.
"We should eat," Blaine says, "While the toast is still edible."
"Yes," he smirks, "Feed me!"
Blaine shakes his head and snickers and they fall into practiced flow: Sebastian places eating utensils and dishware on the small table in the corner and slices the tomatoes as Blaine fills their plates with French toast and spinach, filling their glasses with orange juice. They move seamlessly, with an ease of people who've done this many many times before, singing with George Michael about The Edge of Heaven, letting the rhythm of the song melts with their movements.
They sit down, knees bumping.
The toast is cold and a little stale but the spinach is good and tomatoes delicious but it's the company that makes Sebastian smile around the edge of his glass as he takes a big gulp of juice. He thinks he would be content eating mud everyday as long as this boy is sitting next to him.
"What?" Blaine asks after swallowing, noticing he's being watched.
"Nothing," Sebastian says too quickly to be honest, shoving a fork in his mouth as a distraction.
Blaine nudges his elbow with his own. "Nervous?" he asks.
Sebastian swallows abruptly, mind freezes for a moment until he realizes what Blaine means.
"It's not that big of a deal."
Blaine gives him a skeptical look, shakes his head and swallows. "You're not fooling me, you know? I know how much you want this. It's one of the best galleries in town."
"You got me," he smirks and takes another bite; almost blushes with all the implications and meanings of that statement. You got me. You got all of me.
Blaine smiles with his mouth full and continues chewing.
He is right, of course, it is a big deal; this has the potential to make his career, to open up his work to the world. He feels nervousness shifting beneath his skin and his throat tightens. Fuck, it really is a big deal. He takes a deep breath, Blaine's fingers curling around his wrist. Comforting. Assuring.
"You've got it in the bag," he says.
"I do, don't I?" he smirks, showing more confidence than he's currently feeling inside.
He smiles than as a thank you and his friend smiles back at him.
Blaine's fingers slide from wrist to palm and curl along the back of his hand. Sebastian turns his hand and their palms press together, the lines marking into each other. Nervousness vibrates inside his skin again; a completely different kind of nervousness.
Their fingers twine and entwine.
Sebastian is caught in the moment. Again. Quiet one where he feels too open. He feels entirely see-through and raw and wonders how is it that Blaine can't see his every thought, his every feeling. They're so close and he thinks about kissing him; not for the first time. He lost count years ago.
Blaine lowers his gaze and Sebastian is reminded once more that he won't be able to avoid this forever. One day soon he knows he'll unravel completely and there'll be no hiding anymore. He's terrified of that day and everything he'll lose. Lately, there's this acute sense of helplessness creeping around his consciousness. He feels the water beginning to rise, promising to drown him.
Blaine's fingers peel away from his own. He flexes them and tries to ignore how much they miss the warm pressure, how empty they feel.
He watches him for another moment or two as he continues to eat, glancing back at him but shying away from his gaze.
Maybe Blaine does see through him. Maybe that's why he begun to pull away, slowly; the fact that he has to start to acknowledge. He feels like he's living on a borrowed time as the clock keeps ticking away. Dread knots in his stomach and mixes uncomfortably with the ingested food.
He swallows those black thoughts away.
"Why are you even awake?" he asks Blaine, a question that's been sitting in the corner of his mind since he walked inside the kitchen this morning. It's been a whirlwind of a senior year; for both of them. Blaine should be relishing in this opportunity to just do nothing. "You should still be snoring away."
Blaine chuckles and kicks him softly with his leg and glances at him, lips turned into a smile but he turns away too quickly. Again. "Couldn't sleep," he shrugs; too casual to be casual.
He doesn't doubt the honesty of the answer but knows that there's something he's not saying. It's been written in his eyes, in his body, for weeks, maybe even months but he's not able to name it. Doesn't understand it but can't ignore it. It makes him sad, knowing that there's something Blaine isn't comfortable sharing with him. Irony doesn't escape him. Or is it hypocrisy? After all, isn't he guilty of the same thing? He would ask, push for an answer is he wasn't so fucking terrified.
He is not ready to lose him.
Beside him, Blaine picks at his lip. He swallows too, gripping his fork too tightly. He's aware of space, aware of how their knees are touching, aware of the force with which he's drawn to him. Wishing Sebastian could read him and how his every atom screams: I want you. I want us. Afraid at the same time, scared that Sebastian does in fact read him. He swallows again, taking a sip of his orange juice.
"We should go out," Sebastian suggests then and sees that whatever heaviness Blaine has fallen into melts away in an instant and he beams at him. Blaine nods enthusiastically, mouth fool. "I'm guessing that's a yes?"
"A big yes," Blaine answers finally. "We should go dancing, we haven't done that in forever."
Sebastian grins as the thought of two of them together on the dance floor twists hot and heavy in his abdomen. "It's a date then," comes tumbling from his lips. He doesn't realize what he said until he notices Blaine's eyes grow wider over the edges of his glass, his movements frozen in between gulps. He missed the hope glowing inside the amber, too panic stricken and eager to recover some ground. "No, no - I mean -" God, he's slipping. He scrambles to repair the damage. "You know what I mean," he finishes and clears his dry throat. It's his turn to look away. He feels so open again and on display.
Blaine smiles widely and bites his lower lip, hope blossoming in his heart.
Sebastian glances at Blaine and smirks; just to restore the equilibrium.
"When does your rehearsal start?"
"Next week. Tuesday. Why?" he asks, popping the last piece of toast in his mouth.
"What do you say about me dragging you to Paris again with me?"
Blaine swallows abruptly, almost choking and coughs, eyes impossibly wide. "Seriously?"
Sebastian laughs fondly and nods. "I promised my grandma I'll come and visit after graduation. And my mother expressed a desire to see me," he explains, rolling his eyes a little. "Well, to see us," he adds and feels gentle flush rising up his cheeks. Blaine catches it, elation swimming inside his veins. "And since you found it tolerable last time I just figured you wouldn't mind going again," he concludes playfully.
Blaine kicks his shin again with his foot. "Yes!" A undertone of duh more than clear.
"Really? I don't want you to feel obligated or anything," he teases.
Blaine kicks him again. "When?"
"Tomorrow?"
Blaine's eyes widen again and he nods. "Tomorrow." There is excitement buzzing under his skin, heart swelling almost painfully behind his rib cage. It's not the Paris that has him so ridiculously happy, it's what that city means to Sebastian, it's where his family is and the fact that he is always welcomed inside that part of his life.
"Good."
Sebastian stands then and moves to the sink to wash up his plate. He focuses on the task, on the sound of the water and tries to get a grip on himself.
It's getting harder and harder.
He breathes, counts the dudum dudum dudum of his heart.
Maybe the change of scenery, or just Paris, will make him more brave, will make him toss caution to the wind and just fucking admit how crazy he is about him. Or doesn't. He can't tell anymore. He wants to stop spinning. He catches a glimpse of a skillet at the end of the counter and wishes someone would knock him over the head with it.
Blaine appears next to him, putting the rest of the dirty dishes in the sink and they just fall into the familiar routine of washing and drying. It's isn't uncomfortable or awkward even though Sebastian thinks it should be. He almost wants to laugh.
Blaine concentrates, tries to keep his head clear but Sebastian is close. So close. Too close; not close enough. Contradiction pulls and aches. He's going against his instincts and his entire body is resenting him.
"Thanks for the breakfast killer."
"Always," Blaine answers easily, smiling up at him. He bumps his arm with his shoulder and almost laughs at the short sense of relief that exhales around his muscles and bones because of that tiny, fleeing contact.
Sebastian is surprised, is always surprised, how, despite everything it's still unbelievably easy to just be around him; exist and share the same space, his life as well.
He can't lose that.
He turns off the faucet and they both shift, looking at each other. Both hyper-aware of their proximity, of how, suddenly, kitchen is shrinking, getting smaller and smaller and smaller. But both of them are alone in their awareness, both of them locked in fear, thinking only about what they stand to lose.
Sebastian reads expectancy in Blaine's hazel irises but can't place it, pinpoint the root of it. It's another moment that pushes him towards hope, into that stupid, foolish hope that maybe, maybe Blaine - that maybe after all this years he's- He cuts himself off; that fucking fear disguised as self-preservation pulling him back. "I could really use a friend," Blaine's words as a mantra reciting inside his head, keeping him inside the lines.
He hates standing still, he hates going against himself but he's not as brave as he wishes he is; or as deserving.
He looks at Blaine, really looks at him. There's something unsaid rising from his pores, almost like a fog, but he can't see what it is. He wants to ask, he opens his mouth but loses hi courage. Again. Fuck. He smirks instead.
"Looking good, B?" and tugs on his shirt.
Blaine feels his skin flush. "It looks better on me," he shrugs and grins, peering up at him through his eyelashes. He wishes, wants to admit the truth; that he needs him close, in any form, even if it's just a piece of clothing, all the time.
Sebastian smirks again, his insides knotting, adrenaline coursing through his veins. "You sound pretty sure about that?" Flirting is easy, he thinks, something that has always been between them; playful and flowing. He wouldn't change it but wishes he would stop finding hope in it. Or doesn't. Fuck.
They're moving into something, reaching the point of being too convoluted.
"Are you saying I'm wrong?" Blaine challenges back, playful still, moves closer. "Or maybe you would prefer me without it?" He feels hot, nerve endings tingling and caught on fire, skin drawn out.
"Well, less is more," he shits forward, aware that this is becoming too dangerous. "Or so they say." Instinctively, unintentionally his fingers curl around his hip, pulling him closer.
Blaine feels Sebastian hand like a welcome weight. He feels like his veins are close to bursting. He levels his gaze.
"Bas," he whispers, falling into seriousness. Nothing. Nothing is coming out. The raw force of his emotions, pure magnitude of them overpowers him, traps his confessions inside his throat.
"What?" Sebastian whispers back, urges, pleads before something tilts, before he's confronted with Blaine's silence, before he misinterprets it, before he pulls away.
"I'm going to take a shower, I need to leave soon," he hears himself say, voice sounding strange to his own ears.
Blaine nods, "Yeah, yeah," he says with a forced ease and a smile. "I should -" he trails off for a moment, "Go brush my teeth."
When Sebastian is out of the kitchen Blaine lets himself groan in frustration; Hootie & the Blowfish mock him from the speakers with their Only Wanna Be With You hit. He doesn't know why he can't just say what he feels. What he knows; with every nerve, every molecule, every heartbeat. Standing still is starting to feel like suffocating. Like losing his mind.
Inside his bathroom he glares at himself in the mirror.
He's afraid of losing him; terrified of it. His best friend; rope and anchor in this ever-changing world. But he could lose him regardless, he knows that. They're close and getting farther away, contradiction growing and getting thicker.
He's scared of rejection as well; the possibility that Sebastian is still interested in him after all these years sometimes paints itself as something too good to be true, something utterly improbable.
He can recall so clearly how he crashed into him, literally, on the rainy, autumn afternoon almost four years ago. Sebastian's books spilled on the wet concrete. The taller boy cursed and then, suddenly, his whole face opened into a smile and then he smirked. It was the first thing that Blaine really reacted to in weeks. The naked concern in his eyes was so overwhelming, suddenness and intensity almost knocking him off his feet. Sebastian pulled him out from behind the glass, from the cold that had encased him, reminded him of who he is and what he always wanted to be.
He didn't understand why it was Sebastian that he was drawn to then; from all his friends and family it was Sebastian's company that he tolerated, felt, craved. He didn't know then but he knows now.
It was a gradual thing, falling in love with him. He can never pinpoint the moment when it had started but he knows the exact moment when the realization hit him; like a panic attack. There was a dream one night, few months ago, still vague and without details, but it was the dream where he lost him, the dream where his whole body started to cave in, broken bones piercing his organs. He woke up breathless, with burning, aching lungs, gasping dryly for air. And he suddenly knew what he must have known before. He stayed in his room, lying immobilized on his bed, recovering from that onslaught of emotions, somehow not surprised at all.
He should have confessed everything that night, before he had a chance to think.
Before fear took root and spread like weeds, overshadowing hope and courage. Before he became hyper-aware of his own reactions, too mindful of his own actions, of every brush of their skin. Before he started to pull away from Sebastian, without ever meaning to, because he became too consumed, too aware of the need, the visceral need to touch, to feel, to fall.
He rinses his mouth, washes his face and returns to the kitchen; thirsty, he gulps half a bottle of water in one go.
He can't lose him; can't imagine a life without him but the borders of his body can hold only so much for so long.
He wishes he realized it sooner; he should have realized it sooner.
He needs to stop thinking.
They're reaching a point of being too tangled.
"How do I look?" Sebastian breaks into his thoughts, walking back into the kitchen, all dressed up, gorgeous and smirking. He deposits his portfolio on the chair.
"Do I really need to say it? " he asks with raised eyebrows, eyes filled with amusement "You know you look great." It's impossible not to smile even though his throat is still tight with unspoken confessions.
It's becoming impossible to look at him without burning.
"I like hearing it," Sebastian grins and Blaine chuckles, shaking his head.
"Come here," he says then, nodding his head as an invitation. It's happening again; he is too aware of every inch separating them. He smooths his fingers against the collar of Sebastian's shirt, adjusting the tie and just breathes him in; cologne - expensive, light - and soap.
Blaine catches Sebastian's gaze; there's softness in the way he's watching him, something gentle and heavy all at once. Blaine feels goosebumps picking on his skin and he hopes, hopes, prays to every god in the universe that he's not reading this wrong.
Sebastian's hesitation confuses him; can hardly comprehend it until he remembers how he vowed, years ago, to be a friend to him; he remembers that Sebastian doesn't break his promises.
"Good?" Sebastian asks when Blaine's hands pull away from his tie and drop to his sides.
"Flawless," is all Blaine says, and he says it to mean it. He winks as well. He measures the distance in his head, calculating how close he is to just leaning up and kissing him.
The taller boy smirks but his gaze is soft still. "You're stealing my lines, killer."
On instinct, guided by his prevailing emotions, he pushes himself on his toes and wraps himself around him. "It's a good line," he says against his neck and let's him feel his smile.
Sebastian laughs, little breathy, winds his arms around him and pulls him closer.
And the moment stretches; they hold each other.
This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
David Gray wraps around them. They pull one another closer.
Blaine can't help but smile. "Good luck," he says.
Their hold loosens and they unwrap themselves.
"Don't need luck," comes Sebastian's quick, smirking response. "Someone told me I have it in the bag." The smirk melts into a smile and he leans down, pressing a kiss to his cheek; and lingers.
Blaine feels his fingers around his hip.
If ya love me gotta know for sure
He thinks he hears him swallow; feels his grip tighten.
"Thank you," Sebastian whispers against his ear. And it feels heavy with meaning, it feels like so much more than a simple thanks.
Before Blaine can't process the undertone. Before he has time to react, Sebastian is already out the door. But Blaine does react; he stops thinking. The press of Sebastian's lips against his skin, the pressure of his hand drowns out all his excuses. Every nervous, scared part of him just melts away. All the love he feels for him converts into an adrenaline, rushing him out the door.
"Sebastian, wait!" he calls and catches his friend as he steps inside the elevator.
The rough carpet stings his bare feet but he barely notices it.
The taller boys quirks an amused eyebrow. "Forgot something?" He teases.
"Yes" Blaine breathes out, smiling then serious. "Yes I did."
He feels his heart thumping rapidly in his stomach. His limbs are heavy and tingling. Anxiety and anticipation tangle together. He moves few steps forward, standing at the door, blocking them from closing. He wavers with fear for a split second; for the last time.
"I love you," pours from him as a sigh of delight, as a sigh of relief.
dudum dudum dudum
Inside the elevator Sebastian stops. Stops thinking, stops breathing. Just stops. "Wha-?" he breathes out soundlessly.
duDUM duDUM duDUM
Blaine's heart starts thumping even louder, threatening to pound out of his chest.
"I'm in love with you."
And they stare at each other.
duDUM duDUM duDUM
They keep looking at one another.
duDUM duDUM duDUM
The doors attempt to close but Blaine keeps blocking them.
duDUM duDUM duDUM
They keep staring at each other.
Blaine thinks he sees Sebastian's lips shifting, curling quietly. There is a tap on his shoulder then and he's forced to turn.
"In or out?" their neighbor asks impatiently; a businessman in his 30's with an earpiece attached to his ear, speaking hurriedly to whomever is on the other side.
"Sorry," Blaine apologizes dazedly, stepping aside and looking at Sebastian again who is still frozen on the other side.
His heart, hammering, hammering heart starts to sink and panic knots in his abdomen. His ears are roaring and he doesn't hear a murmur of voices coming from behind him, drowned against the cacophony in his head.
A woman, from down the hole, pushes past him, wrangling her three children inside and Blaine watches with blurry eyes how the elevator closes in front of him; doors closing between him and Sebastian.
He feels dizzy, head spinning and tries to steal himself away from the sensation of cold icicles piercing his heart. Tears prick the corners of his eyes. All the excuses and doubts that held him back come rushing violently at the front of his consciousness, screaming at him about the giant, irreversible mistake he's just made. He claws his way from the chaos thrashing through his body, from those black thoughts, desperately holding on to the sensation of Sebastian's arms around him, his lips that still linger on his skin, the curl of his lips, the fondness in his eyes. He looks up, watching red numbers descend, spreading the distance between them. His eyes water. 14, 13, 12, 11, 10... With every one little bit of his heart breaks away, cutting his insides like shrapnel.
When the elevator reaches the lobby Blaine almost buckles. He's head is swimming, panicked and unfocused.
He's paralyzed now as well. He doesn't notice the heavy stairwell doors opening with a loud metal creak at the end of the hall.
"Blaine!" Sebastian calls, breathless and flushed.
The shorter boy turns, blinking as if he can't believe what he's seeing.
"Fuck," Sebastian exhales and moves quickly and purposefully, running almost. "I'm such an idiot!"
And then it happens.
He drops his binder on the floor, bag follows, and descends his mouth on Blaine's and that's it: they become one. Something flows between them, pours inside one another; their essences colliding, braiding and blending. They fall into each other easily; the longing and the need flooding them with raw intensity.
It feels like their whole lives held their breaths. It feels like exhaling; finally. It feels like relief. It's surrendering and breathing. They both know: they could not have gone on without this.
Sebastian growls softly when Blaine's tongue slides along his lip and into his mouth. It brushes over his and he can hear himself moan. Blaine's ears have stopped ringing; his head is hazy but clearer than ever. He pulls himself closer and molds himself against Sebastian's taller body. His mouth opens into a smile. Sebastian smiles as well.
They're breathing heavily against each other lips, their chests heaving, not even dreaming of letting go.
"I love you too," Sebastian says then.
"Yeah?" Blaine asks playfully even though he's as sure of it now as he's sure of his own feelings. He can feel his love, his desire; in his arms and shoulders, in his eyes and on his lips. But he can't help but tease a little, can't help but want to hear it.
"Yeah," Sebastian answers and presses his lips softly to his. "Fuck, I can't remember the time when I wasn't in love with you," he adds earnestly because now he can admit these things to him; because there's no reason not to. He never felt lighter.
The pang of guilt curls in Blaine's chest. He can't imagine living with that yearning and need any longer than he had. "I'm sorr-" He's cut off with a kiss.
Sebastian shakes his head. "Don't be sorry," he insists, serious and then lighter with a grin. "Just kiss the hell out of me."
Blaine giggles and obliges.
They keep kissing and kissing and kissing, there, in the middle of the hallway.
It's only when his back hits the wall and Sebastian's mouth move to his neck, curling his tongue against the skin, that he thinks - fleetingly - that they're forgetting something. But the world outside of them is disappearing, his rational thoughts replaced with fireworks and burning.
"Wait -" Blaine breathes at last, "You need to go," he strains to say.
"Go where?" Sebastian asks, gasping hotly in his mouth and pulls him closer still.
"Gallery," is all Blaine manages to say before their lips are molding together again. He can't breathe. He can't think. Fierce, magnificent pleasure is rushing in his blood, clouding his mind. Rapt, he arches up to him. Moans when Sebastian's teeth catch on the sensitive skin below his ear, tongue flicking out to lave at the flesh.
Sebastian's hands press at the skin of his back, underneath his t-shirt, shivers running through him. He untucks the crisp shirt from his pants, hastily, desperately looking for skin as well. He drags them both back towards their apartment. Sebastian withdraws his burning, wet mouth from his and lays flaming trail of kisses down his neck. He nips gently at the skin and Blaine arches into the sensation, gasping. He catches the sight of Sebastian's bag and portfolio binder lying on the floor and he remembers, breaks away from him; but only just.
"You need to go," he tells Sebastian with as much strength and conviction he can master. He doesn't want him to go, god, he really doesn't. But he can't let him pass this up. He won't.
"Do you know how long I've waited for this? If you think I'm going anywhere," his hot breath is running along his mouth, "You're insane."
Blaine giggles - wants to giggle - but the only sound that leaves his lips is another gasp when their lips mold together again. He rasps against the tall and firm body and they both moan. Blaine fights to grab some sense of control over himself.
"Blaine," Sebastian sighs, dense with need and so much love, and he shivers because of the way his name sounds on his lips; he could drown in it.
They're so so close, whimpering and shaking with the force of their desire.
They break away, lungs burning, searching for air, lips curling and stretching impossibly wide.
"Baby," Blaine says, nickname falling from his lips softly and naturally, and taller boy smiles. "You can't miss it." Sebastian leans down, presses his forehead to his and exhales with a breathy laughter. Blaine feels tighter pressure of his fingers on his hips. "I'm not going anywhere," he tells him and Sebastian pulls him closer and kisses him so tenderly that goosebumps blossom across his skin; it's exactly what he needed to hear.
Sebastian nods. "Okay. I guess I can wait few hours before showing you what you've been missing," he teases.
Blaine giggles, his eyes flickering over Sebastian's ravaged mouth back to his darkened orbs and he feels his own determination evaporating from him. Desire coils in his stomach, his skin feels to tight, raw so he curls his fingers around taller boy's neck and pulls him down for another breathtaking kiss; for another series of all-consuming kisses.
"I was - about to - say the same thing," he teases back against his lips, his throat.
"Oh, really?" Sebastian asks, smirks, gasps when Blaine bites down gently. He feels Blaine's fingertips tracing a route up and down his spine and dipping inside the waistband of his pants. Fuck, he wants more. Needs more. He slides his hands down Blaine's back to his ass, cupping it. Blaine moans against his lips and he growls, holds him tightly to him. The shorter boy grabs his shoulders and pulls himself closer and rubs against him and Fuck, he can feel him hot and getting heavier. "Fuck, Killer," Sebastian gasps, "You - need - to stop doing tha- that if you want me to go."
I can't Blaine thinks; can't stop kissing, touching, kissing, touching.
Sebastian rips himself away from Blaine and draws something close to whine from his lips. They stare at each other for few long moments, heady and drunk of each other, trying to sober up.
"Few hours," Blaine states and Sebastian nods.
"Yeah," he breathes out. "I think we have that much control left."
Blaine smiles before his eyes darken again. "Are you sure?" he asks teasingly, curling his finger around his belt-loops and pulling him closer again.
Sebastian laughs softly, dark dark green orbs swimming with affection and lust. He swallows. "You're not helping."
Blaine giggles. "And what are you going to do about it?" He can't help it, it feels so good; delightful thrill buzzing under his skin. It's so incredibly liberating not having to hold anything inside anymore.
Sebastian inhales sharply and then exhales before he skims his fingers gently on the inside of Blaine's thigh and over his bulge. In front of him Blaine gasps, trembles, digs his fingers into his arm, head drooping on his shoulder. "Bas," he pleads softly for more. Sebastian pulls his hand away and Blaine whines.
"Two can play this game," he whispers lowly to his ear and draws himself back a little and winks when their eyes meet.
"Fine," Blaine smiles. Swallows. "I guess I can wait."
Sebastian snickers and circles his arms around his waist. Their gazes meet and hold. Blaine twists his tie around his fingers.
"How long?" Sebastian whispers, their foreheads against one another's.
"Few months," Blaine tells him. "Few years?" he adds, looking at him from under his eyelashes, shrugging. A quiet giggle spills from him.
Sebastian grins. "We're idiots, both of us, you know that right?"
Blaine laughs. "Yeah, I do." He leans up and presses kisses along the curve of his jaw, slowly, tenderly.
Suddenly, the magnitude of what just happened dawns on them.
"Bas?" Blaine whispers, overwhelmed.
"I know," the taller boy answers, overcome as well.
They smile and nod at each other; no words are necessary.
"Come on," Blaine says and takes his hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. "You need to change," he says when he takes in his gorgeously disheveled state. "Or-"
"- take a cold shower?" Sebastian intercepts with a quirked eyebrow and a smirk.
Blaine chuckles but thinks how they both need something to cool them down. "Wait! Your stuff," he points with the nod of his head to the floor and can't help but giggle at Sebastian's brief bemusement.
Sebastian quickly gathers his things and is back beside Blaine, now again inside their apartment. They look at each other, momentarily falling into awkwardness until it breaks and they erupt with laughter; clear, blissful, happy. They laugh and then they're kissing. Slowly, lazily, smiling; marveling in each other, in the moment, in everything the future is promising.
"You really need to go," Blaine tells him.
Sebastian nods and smiles, pressing a kiss to his cheek before disappearing down the hall towards his room.
Blaine turns and catches a sight of himself in the mirror, chuckles and blushes at the reflection that greets him. He sits at the bench by the door and pulls his legs up and breathes, smile refusing to fall from his lips. Something tremendous has happened and every inch of his body is strongly, intensely aware of that. There's tingling sensation swimming in his veins, a promise of all the amazing things to come.
His heart feels bigger, the hollow of his chest full and bright and the giggling laugh spills from his lips; exultant, relieved, giddy.
"Thinking about me?" Sebastian's playful voice breaks his reverie. His face is open with joy and glee, pure happiness written all over it. It takes Blaine's breath away.
"Maybe?" Blaine teases back, stands and pulls Sebastian into a hug, arms folding around one another. He feels Sebastian's fingers walking up and down his spine; slowly, indulgently. Goosebumps break across his skin and he pulls himself closer to the warm body, tightening his hold. He feels long fingers threading through his hair and twisting around his curls. Feels the strong duDUM duDUM duDUM of Sebastian's heart, feels the vibrations seeping into his skin, reverberating in his own blood.
They're quiet and together. Cataloging this day, months and years that came before, this very moment; archiving it inside their chests. Both of them - finally - feeling fully centered.
Blaine pulls away slightly and leans up, brushing his lips against Sebastian's. He looks up at him then and Sebastian leans down, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
"Just don't change you mind," he says quietly in his ear, voice laced with amusement. But Blaine hears traces of seriousness so he finds his eyes.
"Never," he says and Sebastian sees nothing but a promise in his hazel orbs, nothing but love and undiluted sureness.
Sebastian smiles down at Blaine, pecking the corner of his mouth before smile turns to smirk. "Good," he says and leans down again, skimming his nose against the shell of his ear. "And no touching yourself while I'm gone," he adds, voice low and husky. Blaine whimpers and then gasps when Sebastian cups him through his briefs. He draws himself up and winks when Blaine meets his gaze.
"Asshole," Blaine giggles, bites on his lip and leans up, whispers. "It wouldn't be the first time."
It's Sebastian's turn to whimper now. "Fuck, kill-," is all he can say before Blaine covers his mouth with his own.
"OK, I should really go now before I need to take another shower," Sebastian mutters against his lips.
"I'm not keeping you," Blaine counters, smiling into a kiss.
They fall into another laughter.
Sebastian leans his forehead against Blaine and they just breathe for a moment; the some air, each other.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
Sebastian gathers his things and steals another kiss before opening the door. Blaine laughs into it, "Go!" Sebastian grins and winks.
Blaine leans against the closed doors, giddy, another series of giggles and laughs ripples through him and spills from into the air. He pushes himself away from the door and when he steps inside his room his phone rings with a message: I love you. I really fucking love you. He exhales with delight and texts Sebastian back. He flings himself backwards on the bed and wonders how is it possible to be this happy, shakes his head as well at how afraid and ridiculous both of them had been; sure that Sebastian is wondering the very same things.
.
.
.
Surrendering feels like falling. Feels like crashing into the unknown. Feels like coming home.
.
.
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the end.
thank you for reading
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if you can, please let me know what you think