News spread among the Koopa Army fast. Whenever a frontier got captured once again by their mustachioed nemesis, the troops on the other side of the continent would be sure to hear it within a few hours. But it wasn't like it really mattered. 99% of the army consisted of the Goombas; stump-like waddling fanged-buffoons who charge headfirst into battle without anything to defend themselves other than their exposed bodies. And 99.99999% of their population has the brain the size of a pistachio. So the news of the warfront didn't mean much to them, if it meant anything at all.
But what about the remaining 0.00001% of the Goombas you ask?
Well, meet Goomba No. 31097. He is normal enough; same brown toadstool-like body, stubby legs less than a foot high, eyebrows forever bent into an angry grimace. But the difference is within that cranium of his. For you see, his brain is the size of a walnut. Compared to his fellow Goomba's, his intellect exceeds theirs drastically. Of course, compared to the average Toad or even Koopa, he is still incredibly stupid. But even so, society always has a way of allowing geniuses to achieve impossible feats, and today we are to witness one such occurrence.
No.31097 waddled about the crammed launch dormitory, unable to move anywhere without brushing against a fellow soldier. His head barely avoids the short ceiling as he navigates his way through the green tubes of the confines. Dim orange light bulbs provide the only light available other than the Koopavision screens installed in various section of the Goomba dwellings. Incessant murmurs and grumblings reverberate throughout the walls. Then, all of the static screens suddenly flicker to life, new colors and images flooding onscreen. All activity stops, and every eye turns towards them.
A map of the Mushroom Kingdom is shown, flags and castles dotting the landscapes. Miniature sprites of minions and soldiers are seen waddling about with a sprite of their arch nemesis, Mario Mario. The mustachioed sprite is seen stomping on yet another castle before advancing towards World 7-3, where he stops. Yellow light begins to flash on this designated spot, then all screens turn black. The Goombas then brace themselves, aware of what is to happen next.
Suddenly a nearby green tube begins to siphon in air with terrifying force, sucking in the idle soldiers. The poor brown creatures are unable to resist as they are catapulted through the green pipeworks, en route to World 7-3. Among this unfortunate lot is No. 31097, who, unlike his counterparts, calms himself down and goes along with the ride, not trying to resist with the vigorous kicking of feet or loud screams.
Finally, the horde of Goombas are thrown into the air before crashing down into the green ground. The pile of writhing creatures grumble and mumble, as one by one they fall to the ground on their feet. Then they begin their job; the single file line of soldiers begin to walk forward. And walk forward. And walk forward. And walk forward.
No.31097 follows from the very rear of the line, his vigilant eyes watching for their enemy, whereas his fellow soldiers merely waddle into oblivion.
Suddenly the blood-curdling cry of YAHOO! permeates the air. A green flying Koopa is knocked into his shell, then thrown into a bottomless pit by the dreaded plumber. The overweight man proceeds onward, smashing the skulls of Goombas and Koopas alike, sometimes hurling the Koopas themselves at the Goombas, killing both in the process. As No.31097 watches, he is horrified. He had heard of the gruesome happening during battle of course, but watching it in action…it was terrible.
As the plumber surges onward, killing soldier after soldier, No.31097's fear turned into rage. His teeth grind against each other, fangs piercing into his face. He watched his brothers fall, all to the enjoyment of this obese Italian. He wanted to avenge them, to make their deaths worth it. But how? He was limited to only walking onward into oblivion wasn't he? Suddenly he noticed the sharp sensation of the two fangs digging into his skin. Eyes looking downward, he took note of them. In his short life, he never actually noticed he had fangs.
Suddenly, a small lightbulb flickers on in his mind.
As Mario bashes his way through more hapless minions, No. 31097 is ready to meet him. One by one, he watches as the Italian annihilates the Goombas in his squadron. With each death, he becomes angrier, ready to punish this murderer for his actions. Finally, Mario jumps, feet ready to crush the living daylights out of the unfortunate Goomba. As the brown soles of Mario's shoes inch closer and closer to No.31097's face, he takes action. Joining the man in the air, the Goomba jumps, counterattacking the ill-fated plumber. As Mario lands to the ground, the Goomba ascends, finally reaching his desired destination. Opening his mouth, baring his deadly fangs, No.31097 then sinks them into the plumber's neck. A fountain of blood spurts skyward, splashing into the Goomba's mouth, splattering across Mario's astounded countenance. No.31097 smiles as he clamps his fangs down deeper into the flesh, eager to suck as much blood as he could carry. The taste of blood, the taste of revenge, was delicious.
The two fall to the ground with a thud. Mario is still conscious, desperately trying to extract the Goomba from his flesh to no avail. Other Goombas begin to gather around them, bemused at the peculiar sight of one of their own feasting upon the legendary Italian decimator. The brown minions look at each other with question looks. After a few moments, they all rush into the now lifeless body of the plumber, eager to join No.31097 in his feast.
Back in the castle of Bowser, the Koopa King rolls around his bed, Princess Toadstool lying naked beside him, golden hair muddled and clumped with white goo.
"Do you think Mario will make it to the castle again this time?"
"Nah. I'm sure my army's probably taken care of him."
She gives him a sultry smile.
"That's good. Now then…"
Her hands find his member, and she begins to caress him under the bed sheets.
"…you ready for another round?"
The reptilian king smiles.
"I'm always ready baby."
...don't ask me why I wrote this. I don't even know.