Mattie's CD Mix Baby Can I Hold You Tonight

by SamBrace

Harm finds a CD that makes him think of the last few years of his life with Mac and their ups and many downs. The rest… well, you have to read to find out.

Title: Mattie's CD Mix - Baby, Can I Hold You Tonight?

Author: Sam Brace

Fandom: JAG

Rating: PG13

Keywords: Harm, Angst, Harm/Others (reference only), Mac/Others (again, reference only), Harm/Mac (sorta kinda, you'll see).

Spoilers: Big one for 'Hail and Farewell, Part 1', slight parts from 'Hail and Farewell, Part 2' (only what was wrong with Mac) and 'Four Percent Solution' (the flashback to the porch), references to 'Tribunal', 'Adrift', 'Boomerang', 'A Tangled Webb, Parts 1 & 2', and 'Ice Queen/Meltdown'. I also stole a line from 'Fair Winds and Following Seas' (you'll know what it is when you see it) and a few other minor ones.

Summary: Harm finds a CD that makes him think of the last few years of his life with Mac and their ups and many downs. The rest… well, you have to read to find out.

Disclaimer: Not mine, don't belong to me, not even the song - all borrowed without permission.

Archiving: Feel free to archive - just let me know where, so I can visit with my Harm clone.

Author's notes: I wrote this whilst I was away. I got inspired by this song, it just seemed to fit that moment. I was thinking of making it into a series which has happened .There are 3 parts so far to this story and maybe more to come in the future.

Author's notes 2: A big THANK YOU to my Dad for first of all start me on the beta road then to my three Beta reader's Faith, Shaz and Peggi. Thank you guys for doing this for me J

Dedication: To my JAG sister, Mary, who said she'd believe it when she saw it. Well, honey, here it is. J

Dreams -

Far away there, in the sunshine, are my aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try and follow where they may lead.

Louisa May Alcott

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station

0700 Zulu 0100 Local Time

Commander Harmon 'Harm' Rabb Jr. wearily laid his head on his apartment door, trying to locate his key through the sting and burn of unshed tears, tears he'd not allow anyone to see, not even his best, well close, friend Sarah 'Mac' Mackenzie. Especially not allow her to see, as she was the main person associated with his pain. The other person was his ward, "was" being the operative word, seeing as it's only a matter of time before she returns to her father. Matilda Grace Johnson, better known as Mattie, had been Harm's saving grace, his purpose when he saw no other, after he lost his best friend to an unspeakable demon and a man he used to call friend. It seems lately he was loosing many of those, a man he'd called 'friend' since they were Plebes in the Academy. Harm was at a loss on when their friendship had changed, maybe it was when Harm resigned his commission to go after Mac and rescue her moments before she was going to be tortured or was it earlier than that. Could it have been when he was arrested for the murder of Loren Singer?

Harm found the key and slipped it into the hole, unlocking the door, turning the door handle. The door opened with ease. The first thing Harm noticed were all the changes that had happened to his apartment in the last year. It almost felt homey and yet Harm felt as if he didn't belong there tonight. Harm unbuttoned and slipped off his mess dress jacket, carefully placing it on the kitchen counter, followed by his gold cummerbund, and then his bow tie. Undoing the top two buttons on his shirt, Harm felt like he could breathe easier , which was the first time since he had walked outside the O club with Mac during the Admiral's dining out. He felt his world being crush as Mac confided in him and elaborated that she might not be able to become pregnant, and that she wasn't ready to try anything else.

Harm grabbed the remote for the CD player and headed for the couch, sinking into the black material. Fingering the material for a few moments he thought for a brief second about getting a different one, but dismissed the idea. Mac had helped him pick out this couch, not long after they had been partnered together and neither one had trusted Webb at that time. It goes to show you what a difference 8 years makes. Noticing the CD player was on, Harm hit the 'play' button. A soft harmony came from the speakers, a mix of rhythm and base guitar with a dash of a Hammond organ. Suddenly, this voice began singing. It was soft, yet powerful, deep and feminine.

Sorry

Is all that you can't say

Years gone by and still

Words don't come easily

Like sorry, like sorry

How true those words spoke to Harm. He was sorry about Webb's death and yet he couldn't find the words. It felt like a weakness that he couldn't tell Mac how sorry he was, that she was hurting. He had never been able to say 'sorry' to Mac.

Forgive me

Is all that you can't say

Years gone by and still

Words don't come easily

Like forgive me, forgive me

God, how many times had Harm thought about asking Mac to forgive him yet never ever uttering the words. Like after pushing her away on THAT night in Sydney Harbour? Or when he ditched his F14, his RIO and himself into the Atlantic on the eve of her marriage to Mic Brumby, causing Mac to postpone her wedding and "Bugme" to call the whole thing off? Or when he made the remark about her exes either being dead or wishing they were? At least on that one he managed a half hearted apology, but he never said 'sorry' or 'forgive me'. It was 'I didn't mean it about your exes', which some time later she forgave him for.

But you can say, baby

Baby, can I hold you tonight

Maybe, if I told you the right words,

At the right time, you'd be mine

Harm wished he could hold Mac in his arms at night the way he wanted to, with no barriers other than their night clothes between them, but he guessed he'd have to settle for an occasional close hug and the even fewer dances. Tonight had been the first time since Bud and Harriet's house warming party that they had danced. They were at odds at that time, too. It was almost like it was when they first faced off in court against each other, only this time their emotions were switched. He felt like Mac did when he, quote, sandbagged her, unquote. He felt like the carpet had been ripped out from underneath him and they weren't even on opposing sides. The problem he had was that Mac was presiding over the case due to a lack of judges because of the war.

I love you

Is all that you can't say

Years gone by and still

Words don't come easily

Like I love you, I love you

Why can't he tell Mac that he loves her? Harm had realized that he was truly, utterly, deeply in love with Mac on the night of her engagement party to Mic Brumby, but he wasn't in the position to be able to tell Mac his feelings. He was with Renee and Mac was engaged, soon to be married at that point. Then, after Mic had called off the wedding and Renee had gotten engaged to Cyrus the mortician whilst she and Harm where still together, and Mac had gone to the USS Guadalcanal with Gunny, Harm had tried, but the words wouldn't come out then and every time after.

Before they went to the USS Seahawk for the first tribunal since the 50s after the wake of 9/11; Harm had cooked them a cosy and romantic meal, but they ended up butting heads both figuratively and literally. Then, just before learning of Bud's accident that, luckily, didn't cost him his soul, he tried, and again the words failed him. Every time after that, when Harm managed to gather his courage, something or someone would throw a spanner in the works and he'd lose his nerve.

The final nail had been in Paraguay after Harm had saved Mac from being tortured and saved Webb's life, instead of thanking Harm, Mac had been at odds with him. They even clashed when he asked to have some time to gather his thoughts and get himself and Mac back home in one piece before they started anything. Instead Mac threw herself at Webb because she thought Harm was pushing her away again when he asked if they could table the conversation that Mac wanted to have. Until tonight Harm couldn't believe there was even a glimmer of a possible romantic relationship between him and Mac. Tonight, when he told Mac that he was tired of looking in on her life, that he wanted to be a part of it, he felt rejected when Mac told him 'not yet'. Now he knew how Mac felt every time he pushed her away when she tried to move them forward. And, of course, his timing always sucked when it came to Mac. He had to bring up THE Promise just after Mac finds out that the man she had been dating for the last year and sharing her bed with since the whole Sadik Fahd incident a few months ago, a man she had fallen in love with, was dead. And to put the icing on the cake, she'd only a short time prior to Harm bringing up the conversation about them having a child together, been diagnosed with Endometriosis.

But you can say, baby

Baby, can I hold you tonight

Maybe, if I told you the right words,

At the right time, you'd be mine

"Do you think she is right, that if I was to say the right words at the right time, you would be mine?"

Mac's voice came from the doorway where she'd been standing for the last few minutes since the second verse began. She'd knocked, but received no answer, hearing the music, so let herself in with her key for his apartment.

Harm, slightly surprised to hear Mac's voice, but even more so by her question responded, "I don't …uh ... know, I'd like to think so."

Baby, can I hold you tonight

Maybe if I told you the right words

At the right time you'd be mine

Mac stepped closer to where Harm was sat, noticing for the first time that Harm's cheeks were stained with tears

"Harm you're crying."

"I am? I hadn't noticed."

You'd be mine.

Mac stepped closer to Harm, perching herself on the edge of the coffee table, bringing her right hand up to Harm's face, gently wiping the tears there,

"Oh Harm."

You'd be mine

"I'm okay, Mac, why are you here at zero one twenty?"

"I . . . I couldn't sleep . . . I didn't want to be alone . . . if it's a problem, I can go . . . I, uh…"

"Mac, it's okay, you can take my bed."

Baby, When I met you

There was Peace and Order

Harm hit the 'stop' button. He knew the song. It was a country song by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.

"Harm, you didn't need to turn the music off and you don't need to give up your bed. I can take the couch."

"Mac, you've just had surgery. You take the bed."

"Harm, we're adults, we can share the bed and . . . I want you to hold me tonight. I . . . I need to be held."

WOW was all Harm could think, but he responded with "Why don't you get changed into your PJ's, and I'll make us some cocoa."

"I've already got my PJ's on . . ." Mac undid her coat, revealing her wearing her flannel cowboy PJ's. "Why don't you get changed and I'll make the cocoa. You do have fresh milk, don't you?"

HOT DAMN, it's THOSE jammie's. The one's I couldn't get out of my head for a week and my dreams for a month. Getting his mouth into gear Harm responded, "Yeah, in the fridge. You know where the powder is, don't you?"

Mac nodded her head, then stood up, removing her coat.

"Harm, go and get changed. I'll bring the drinks in."

Mac went and hung her coat up on the stand by the door whilst Harm got up off the couch, picking up the part of his mess dress that he'd removed earlier. On his way past the CD player, he picked up the CD case that was on the side by the stereo. The first thing he noticed was that it was a recordable CD case. The second thing was Mattie's now familiar handwriting on the cover in black marker pen. Written on the cover was 'MATTIE'S CD MIX'. Turning it over, Harm noticed a yellow Post-it note, again written in Mattie's scrawl:

'4 U HARM 2 REMEMBER ME BY J HOPE IT INSPIRES U LIKE IT DID ME - MATTIE'

Smiling to himself, Harm went to his room to get ready for bed whilst Mac puttered about in the kitchen, making them both a cup of cocoa to drink before going to sleep. Harm removed all of his uniform, leaving him in just a pair of white boxers. Folding it all neatly and leaving it on the only chair in the room, Harm slid into bed on his usual side, closest to the bathroom. Just after Harm slid underneath the sheets, Mac came up the few steps into the bedroom. Standing at the top of the stairs, Mac quietly studied Harm as she had when she watched him earlier. He seemed more at ease with himself and her now, like something had clicked. It appeared it was just as well she'd come tonight. Maybe, she was at the right time to say the right thing and maybe, just maybe, he'd be hers.

'She looks beautiful' was all Harm could think. Maybe Mac showing up and Mattie's CD were a sign, maybe this time they'd get it right. Mac passed Harm his drink which he put on the night stand as it was too hot to drink. Mac put hers on the night stand, then got into bed. Removing the clasps that held her hair into the standard military bun, she placed those, too, on the night stand. As she was running her fingers through her hair, making sure that it was all free, Harm watched riveted. He'd never witnessed Mac removing the binds that held her ever growing hair. Before he could engage his brain, Harm blurted out "You look beautiful. I like the length of your hair."

Smiling Mac replied "Thanks Harm, it drove Clay nuts."

"Why? . . . Sorry, it's none of my business."

"No, it's okay Harm. Clay liked it when it was shorter for some reason, but I think it had something to do with the fact that with my hair growing longer, it reminded him of all the time that had passed with him not seeing me."

"When did you start growing it, because during my six month stint with the CIA your hair hadn't changed much."

"It was after Sadik . . . "

"Mac, I didn't . . ."

"Harm, it's okay, can you hold me? I'll tell you all that you want to know."

"Sure, come here."

Harm moved a little closer to Mac half resting on his side, one arm on the mattress, the other open so that Mac could fit into his arms. Mac moved so she was on her side, her head resting on Harm's bicep, wrapped her arms around herself. Feeling Harm place his free arm around Mac's waist; and after a moment of silence, Mac began talking.

"You remember the night Sadik died?"

Harm nodded his head, Mac continued, "When I was with Sadik, he claimed that I wasn't a woman, that I was barren and . . . and a . . . a whore."

"Oh Mac . . ." Pulling Mac closer to him, Harm offered her his silent support.

"I decided on that night, I was going to grow my hair, make myself appear more womanly and . . . just after that, I first slept with Clay. We'd sort of been dating for 10 months, but Clay was either being called away or I'd push him away . . . I wanted to be with you . . . but you . . . you weren't there. I felt hurt and rejected when you asked for us to table the conversation about us. I thought . . . well, it doesn't matter now. It's why I told you there'd never be an 'US'. I was hurt and didn't want to go through that hurt again and now . . . now, I see what a mistake it was. I started to fall for Clay. A few weeks ago, but I couldn't let go of you and every time Clay and I fought, he'd bring your name up . . . and all I'd want to do was punch him for it. I . . . I couldn't really love Clay. In a way, I'm glad he's gone, but . . . I guess I'm sad too, he shouldn't have died . . . not like that."

Pausing for a moment, Mac leaned over Harm, and picked up his cup , took a sip of his cocoa, and placed it back down. It was easier for her to drink from his cup than her own, seeing as it was behind her on the other side of the bed. When Mac had settled back down in Harm's arms, she began speaking again,

"You know I've been having pains in my back for a couple of weeks. Well, one night when Clay decided to invite himself over, I'd gone to bed early, but I couldn't sleep because of the pain.
Well, Clay offered to massage it for me, but I told him no . . . at that moment, I couldn't stand him touching me, this was last week before he left . . . Harm, I wished it was you I was with then. It's why I let you take care of me, phone the doctors and everything . . . I couldn't face Clay or anyone else taking care of me . . . I want to grow old with you Harm, you and our family."

Harm slowly leaned in and kissed Mac.

"I've been waiting a year and a half to do that Mac,"

"As they say, good things come to those who wait . . . Which, Flyboy, we have to . . . I'm not ready to begin something just yet. Give me a little time to mourn Clay. But I do want there to be an 'US' and then a 'WE': you, me and a Mackenzie/Rabb,"

"How about a you, me and a Rabb?"

"What are you proposing? And that's not a Freudian slip,"

"I'm proposing, let's get married."

This time it was Mac who initiated the kiss.

"I don't mean right this second, but soon. What do you say, Ninja-girl?"

"I'd love to be Mrs. Harmon Rabb, Jr. soon . . . But shouldn't we date first?"

"What's the last 8 years been?"

"Harm, working dinners don't count as dates. I'll tell you what, I'll let you woo me . . . I want to be wooed by Harmon Rabb, Jr. like you did Annie, Jordan and Renee,"

"Mac, I never asked any of them to marry me, especially before we even dated,"

"True, Harm. Do you mind if I take my jammie bottoms off?"

"No, why?"

"My legs are hot and the band is irritating my stomach and . . . Well, I couldn't go by taxi in just panties and a PJ top."

Mac moved away from Harm and moved carefully out of her pyjama bottoms, discarding them underneath the sheets.

"Baby, can I hold you tonight?"

"I'd love nothing more, Harm."

With that, Harm drew Mac into his arms. Holding each other close, Mac rested her head on Harm's chest, just above his heart, their legs intertwined, falling asleep, their drinks forgotten.

Harm sleepily mumbled, "I love you."

To which Mac responded, ever so quietly, "Mmm, me too."

THE END

What will the future hold? No-one knows, but no doubt Mattie's cd mix will have a part to play.