Warning: Shounen ai implied but never acted upon, violence, cursing, drug use…. but then again, this IS Katoh. It's to be expected. You've been warned so only flame me f you really hated the story not because you got offended. (I hate that!) Well, on to the story! Oh yeah, this also occurs a little before the story starts to sorta explain why Katoh and Kira are so close.
Also, for those of you who are wondering what the fuck's happened with my FF8 fic, I'm sorry but I'm doing my best to get it typed. Anyway, if I ever get more I'll have them up ASAP. Ja!
***
Released
Katoh stared at the peeling door of his…Could you call it a house? It barely had four walls and a roof. Not to mention the fact that he most often slept outside or on the corner. His corner. He smiled. It was about the only thing that brought him happiness. His dope…it took him places nothing else could. It took his worries away. It took all the pain away…even if only for a few hours. Some peace was better than none at all, right? He nodded. Not that it mattered anyway. No one gave a shit. And really, he didn't either. He lived as he pleased; what other people thought didn't really matter to him. He was just another dope-dealer, another dropout, another juvenile delinquent. No one gave a flying fuck about Yue Katoh.
"Hey, Katoh, c'mere," a voice behind him shouted. He turned and saw a guy running up to him. One of his customers. The guy was starting to look pretty bad. His clothes bagged off him worse than usual and he had really deep, black circle under his eyes. But he wasn't about to ask. This guy was one of his biggest customers. "Ya got any E," he asked, breathing heavy from that short distance.
Katoh nodded. "Ya now it. How much?"
"The biggest you got ready. I got $500 with me. That enough?" The guy was swaying back and forth now as he stood there and his eyes kept rolling back in his head. He blinked hard to keep them open. He held out the money with a shaking hand.
Katoh took the crumpled up bills and re-counted the money. It was indeed $500. He handed the guy back a $100 and reached into his pocket for the bottle of E he kept. Enough pills to last a month. He hesitated before handing the bottle over. "Hey, you sure you want this? You don't look so good man. Like you haven't ate in days."
"Who gives a fuck? And why're you askin' questions? I just need the shit and you need the money. Ya got it now give me the bottle. Ask too many damn questions and I'll go to Kitsuka's corner."
"No need for all that man. Here, this'll last you a long time. And it's a really good shipment. Some of the best you gonna find." He handed the bottle over and watched as the guys threw 2 of the pills down his throat immediately, then walked away without another word. He sighed and shook his head. It wasn't his place to ask questions…he had to survive one way or another, right?
"Katoh! What the hell are you doing out here?!"
Katoh turned once more to see a very angry Kira walking towards him. He smiled. "Oi, Kira-chan, I could ask you the same thing, he said and hugged his friend when he got close enough. Kira pushed him off angrily.
"You're supposed to be in school idiot. I come out here looking for you. Now get your lazy ass to school!"
Katoh rolled his eyes. Kira always bitched at him about cutting. "Kira—"
"I don't want to hear it," Kira interrupted, and grabbed Katoh by his ear, pulling the helpless boy along behind him. Kira was the only one allowed to handle him so and Katoh followed sluggishly behind him. He never did quite understand why Kira cared so much about him. It wasn't like Katoh ever did anything to help him out. He glanced at Kira from the corner of his eye. Kira'd released his ear and they were walking side-by-side towards the school.
'He's a little handsome,' Katoh thought, raising an eyebrow, 'Not like me though…I'm just a skinny dope-dealer. Kira's eyes…I've always found them to be kinda sexy—WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?!!!' Katoh snatched his eyes away from Kira's face, blushing slightly. "I gotta be still high…damn that…."
Kira glanced at him. "Katoh, you okay? Why are you blushing like that?"
"Nothing Kira-chan, not a damn thing."
Kira shrugged and let the subject drop. They arrived at school in time for second block, which the two shared, along with Setsuna. 'That idiot freshman…I don't know what Kira sees in him. He's just a bastard. But his sister's kinda cute…'
"Hey Kira-senpai," Setsuna greeted immediately. Kira waved and sat down beside him. Katoh moved to sit in the back but Kira grabbed him by his belt and pulled him down into the seat next to him. He frowned at Setsuna and looked away. Before he thought much about it, he laid his head on the desk and fell asleep.
The day was uneventful and his sales were practically non-existent. Back at home, it was his turn to clean off the dinner table. Again. His sister hadn't been made to work in weeks; but Katoh didn't dare say anything. He'd been beaten once today and those bruises weren't exactly asking for more company. He reached for a plate without really looking and stuck his fingers in something gooey.
"Ew," he said as he picked the plate up, then gasped as it began to slip from his hand. He couldn't grab it with the other hand, which currently held about 3 other glasses. He watched helplessly as it crashed to the floor and cringed when it shattered. His father's voice came to him immediately.
"Yue!! What the fuck are ya breaking in there? Better not be any a ya moms new dishes you bastard!"
Katoh grimaced. That's exactly what it was. "I- I'm sorry dad, it slipped by accident. I'll make enough money to buy another I swear."
His apologies fell on deaf ears as his father came storming into the room, a belt gripped tightly in his hand. He swung immediately, catching Katoh across the cheek with the metal buckle. Katoh cried out as he lost his grip on the other dishes and they shattered all over the floor. The belt swung again, catching him across the temple and causing him to see sparks fly in front of his eyes. He felt the blood begin to trickle down his face. He moved his hand to wipe at it and was promptly kicked onto his back. His father knelt over him growling. Katoh could see the hatred and loathing glowing like fire in his eyes.
"Get your lazy, no-good ass up off this floor punk and clean up this fucking mess," his father sneered, spraying spittle through clenched teeth on Katoh's face. Katoh didn't bother to wipe at it. It would only get him beaten again. When his father left and was gone for a few minutes Katoh climbed up on the counter and left through the window. He wasn't worried about the beating he'd get when he got home. He'd get it anyway whether he cleaned up the mess or not. His father always found something.
He ran to the abandoned house where he kept his stash, ignoring the blood that continued to rush down his face, onto his shirt and mixing in hi hair. He flopped on the floor of the empty room and pulled one of the floorboards up. Under it he pulled out the baggie filled with white powder. It was a new shipment; very strong stuff and well-worth any money he charged for it. But this bag wouldn't get sold. He began setting everything up, almost shaking in anticipation at the release he was about to get. That's all the drugs were for him; a release. When he was high he could feel apathy towards anything. He filled the needle and tied the band around his biscep tightly. His vein bulged out slightly and he positioned the needle there. He closed his eyes as he pushed the needle inside and filling his body with the drugs. He paused a moment, waited for his vision to clear and refilled the needle. Three more times he did this before he finally realized what he was out to do.
"If I die, I won't hurt anymore," he said aloud pushing the contents of the third needle in his arm, "When I'm dead, he'll ever be able to hurt me again." Katoh was already shaking violently and he was barely able to get the fourth needle prepared. He emptied that one in and muttered a curse as he realized he'd already used the entire bag. He smiled and laid back on the floor to let himself die. 'I wonder if he'll beat my dead body,' Katoh thought, 'and I wonder if anybody'll cry for me when I'm gone….' And then Katoh thought no more. Blackness surrounded him and he quietly slipped into its embrace.
~~~
He groaned. He hurt all over. Why? What the fuck had he gotten himself into this time? Memory rushed over him like a tidal wave. He groaned, and the pain only increased. Someone was holding him, and they were talking. The voice was far away sounding like he wasn't quite conscious yet. He groaned again fighting to awaken. The person's arms tightened around him. They were holding cradling his head like a lover would. And he could feel their breath against his cheek as they whispered to him. He could understand the words now, but not place the voice. He knew it, it just wouldn't come to him.
"Come on, Katoh," the voice encouraged. "Wake up now. If you don't open your eyes now you might never open them again. Come on Katoh! Now, damn it!"
Katoh winced. Hie body was hurting. It was like the sensation in your foot when it feels asleep, only over his entire body. He wanted to go back into the darkness….the sweet, quiet, pain-free darkness. But the voice came again, keeping him from sinking back into it.
"Katoh, open your fucking eyes!! Please! Come on, wake up! Just open your eyes!!!"
Kira? Was that Kira's voice.
"Come on, Katoh, just open your eyes. Don't you dare die on me damn it! Wake the fuck up! NOW!!"
It was. Katoh recognized it now. Things were making more sense. He'd failed at the suicide attempt obviously. He moaned, rolling his head to the side and feeling it press against something.
"That's it," Kira encouraged softly, finally stopping all the yelling. "Come on, Katoh. Just wake up. Don't leave me. Open your eyes."
Katoh took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of Kira. He must have turned his face to some part of Kira's body. Most likely his chest, because he could faintly hear Kira's heart beating. He tried to force his eyes open. The light hurt them. He felt Kira turn his head slightly and touch his cheek.
"That's it. At least you're not going to die. Come on, wake all the way up."
Katoh began to blink, trying to get used to the light. It wasn't bright and it didn't take long for him to grow accustomed to it. He finally managed to keep them open and looked up at Kira. The black haired boy was cradling Katoh in his lap, holding his head lovingly. If Katoh had been awake enough he would have blushed deeply. He opened his mouth to say something and felt bile rise in his throat. He tried to get up only to be held down by Kira.
"Take it easy, man. It's me. I've got you."
Katoh knew he couldn't open his mouth to speak. He covered it an attempt to stop from retching all over Kira. Kira seemed to get the message and lifted Katoh to his feet, leading him outside and to the ditch. He pulled Katoh's hair back and let the sick boy fall to his knees vomiting.
"Ya know, I wouldn't do this for anyone else. You better feel lucky," Kira said, patiently waiting for Katoh to finish. When he finally stopped, Kira bent down beside him and used a handkerchief to wipe his face clean. "You are so messed up, man." He lugged Katoh back up to a standing position and practically drug him back into the drug-house. He laid Katoh on the dusty bed, making Katoh sneeze. He moaned out loud, the sneeze making his head feel like it was going to explode. Kira nodded.
"Okay, this won't work. You're coming to my place. And don't puke while you're on my bike."
Katoh made a weak attempt at a smile and let Kira drag him once more. They climbed on (more like Kira got on and drug Katoh on behind him) and headed to Kira's house.
"Hey, pops," Kira called rather rudely to his father, "I gotta sick friend that needs a place to crash. He's gonna be here for a while. Don't bother us, alright?!"
"But, son, is he hurt? Does he need a doctor," Kira's father asked. Katoh always felt bad for that man. He really loved Kira and Kira was always such a bastard to him. If he had the strength, he would have told Kira to lay off. Kira didn't know how lucky he was to have a father that actually cared.
"Just butt-out old man! Damn, I need my privacy and your old ass ain't gonna help him any. Just leave us alone!" Kira slammed the door to his room, ending the conversation. He placed Katoh on his bed. "You need to get something in you. Something besides drugs, which I'm assuming is why you're like this. I told you you were gonna OD one day. Damnit Katoh, you coulda died!"
Katoh nodded as best he could. "I want to," he choked out in a weak voice. "I was trying to die."
Kira's mouth fell open and he sat down on the side of the bed beside Katoh. "No way, you can't mean that! You wanted to die? You're only 17. There's so much more in this world out there. You can't want to die already!"
"What would you know," Katoh spat, his voice coming back to him slowly, now only cracking slightly. "You got a family that gives a fuck about you. My father could care less if I was at home getting beaten or out in streets dead in some ally. He'd probably get pissed cause he didn't get to kill me himself. The fuck can you know about wanting to die?!"
Kira drew back like he'd been slapped. He stared with wide eyes at Katoh before finally speaking. "Katoh….my father and I….there's a long story behind that Katoh. I can't explain it, you'd never believe me. But I have to make him hate me. All I can tell you is that if he hates me, he won't grieve when I die."
"Yer fulla shit," Katoh spat, turning away. He was tired and sick of talking. Kira was his best friend but he didn't understand shit. Kira placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Katoh, please. Don't be mad at me. There's things going on between my father and me that you couldn't understand."
"Yeah? And just how much do you understand about being beaten half to death just cause your dad's bored and ain't got nothin better to do? Huh? And everyone else just watching and not giving a shit? Don't shit me Kira. As soon as I can get on my feet, I'm outta here."
Kira sighed. "Katoh, don't. Listen, if I tell you everything you have to swear that you'll never mention it to anyone. Got it?"
"Yeah whatever."
"I'm serious Katoh! Promise me!"
Katoh turned around to look at him. Dizziness swept over him and he groaned. He wasn't up for this. He weakly put his hand over Kira's mouth. "Later for it," he mumbled. Kira's bed was so comfortable. Much softer than the one he had and it seemed to lull him to sleep. He let his eyes droop and close. Kira ran a hand across his forehead.
"Alright Katoh. Just rest. We can talk when you're in better condition. I'll have something fixed for you to eat when you wake up."
Katoh nodded, or at least he hoped he managed to nod and let himself fall asleep again. His sleep was dreamless and he seemed to awaken as soon as he knocked out.
In front of him on the table, there was a trey with a bowl and a glass. He looked around for Kira and found him lying on the bed beside him asleep, and snoring lightly. He smiled, thinking once again of how handsome Kira was. He shook the thoughts away.
"Damn I gotta stop that," he mumbled sitting up slowly, not wanting to wake Kira. He picked up the tray and sat it in his lap. He hoped Kira wouldn't mind him eating there. He was really hungry, which was kinda unusual. Kira always argued with him about how skinny he was telling him that drugs didn't count for food. He smirked and began eating the soup. It was cold which let him know it had been there for a while. There was no clock in Kira's room so he had no idea what tie it was.
When he finished eating, he reached over and shook Kira awake. "Hey, I gotta get home," he said when Kira groaned and tried to roll over. Kira grunted and sat up, rubbing his eyes roughly.
"God, you sleep forever," Kira said looking over at him. "I finally gave up waiting for you and went to sleep around 6 this morning."
"What time is it? My dad's gonna kill me for real if I don't get home in time to clean up."
Kira's face fell. He stood up and pulled on his jeans. Katoh blushed. He'd been sleeping right beside him in nothing but his boxers?! Didn't Kira have any shame? Katoh moved the blanket and peeked under it. He wasn't even wearing that!
"KIRA," he shouted, "What the fuck did you do with my clothes?! And how come you let us sleep together like that?!"
Kira sighed. "Don't you remember? You puked all over your clothes last night. They were stinking up my room. I tried to wake you up so you could take them off but you wouldn't move. So, I took 'em off myself."
Katoh shook his head, hiding the blush that suddenly appeared across his cheeks. 'How could Kira do that,' he wondered. 'He had to have seen everything….'
Once again, Kira seemed to read his mind and smiled. "Don't worry so much Ka-chan. For a skinny guy you really got lucky in the –"
He was cut off when Katoh threw a pillow in his face. Kira laughed and sat down on the bed, looking with complete seriousness at Katoh. "Listen, we really need to talk about what happened last night. Why'd you do that?"
Katoh shrugged and looked across the room, suddenly finding the wall extremely interesting.
"Come on, Katoh, I know you better than that. What'd you father do that made you want to kill yourself."
"Just the same thing he does every night. He beat me. And no one stopped him. They just sit there and let him beat on me till I can't move." Katoh's voice got louder and louder as he spoke. Every word seemed make him a little bit angrier than the last. He had his fists balled up in the covers so tightly his knuckles were turning white. Kira put a hand over his. Katoh snatched away. "I dunno why I even bother telling you this," he said, remembering the way Kira'd treated his father last night. "You have a father that cares."
Kira nodded. "I still have to explain that to you. Listen, my father thinks I'm his son. But really, I'm not. So I have to make sure he hates me so that when I die he won't grieve for me."
Katoh snorted. "Sounds like a load of shit to me."
"I'm serious Katoh. One day I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble and I'm gonna die. If I didn't care about him, I'd let him continue loving me like his son. But if he hates me when I die, it won't be so rough on him."
Katoh searched his eyes. Kira's story sounded so idiotic but his eyes were serious. He wasn't lying. No matter how stupid it sounded, Kira was telling the truth. "Whatever. I believe ya, but it don't help me any does it?"
"No, I guess not. I just don't want you to feel like that ever again. Don't ever think you have to go that far with it. I'll be here okay? If ya need me, I'm here."
Katoh looked up at him, shocked. Kira was being…caring? It wasn't like him. Slowly he nodded. "Alright."
"Come on," Kira said tugging at Katoh's arm, "You need a shower. You stink."
"I'm still naked man! Let go of me!" Katoh grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around his waist as Kira pulled him to his feet. He did his best to hold it up with one hand as Kira drug him clean across the room. His eyes widened and he almost forgot to hold the blanket up when Kira pulled him into a tight hug. He opened his mouth to say something but couldn't form words.
"I thought I'd lost you last night," Kira whispered. "I thought you were dead. You scared the living hell out of me. Don't ever do that again." Kira moved back a little but kept Katoh in a tight embrace.
Katoh couldn't have hidden the shock he felt even if he'd wanted to. Kira's bare chest against his was almost too much to bear. He'd never had thoughts like that about another guy but even as he thought how weird it was there was a strange sensation in his lower stomach and he felt himself hardened just a little. Praying the blanket would keep it hidden, he answered. "O- Okay. I just didn't know what to do. I was sick of everything. I just wanted to stop hurting so much."
Kira hugged him again. "I know what you mean. Just next time, come find me. Don't ever try to kill yourself again. I really care about you man. You promise?"
Katoh nodded against Kira's shoulder and placed one arm around his waist, hugging him back. "Yeah." The hug seemed to last forever and just as Katoh was actually starting to like the feeling of being held so closely by Kira, the black-haired boy pushed him away.
"You stink man," he said grinning slightly. "Shower's right down the hall. When you get done come back in here."
"Why? I figured you'd make me go to school."
"No, you need your rest. You're not ready to go out so soon. Just rest here for a while."
Katoh wasn't about to argue with not having to go to school and headed for the shower. He glanced back at Kira who was already in the kitchen fixing something else to eat. He smiled, a true, honest smile, one he had no had on his face in what seemed like forever. At lest, of all people who hated him and would like to see him dead, Kira would care for him. Sometimes all you needed was one person. Shaking his head, still unable to believe what had happened in the past day or two, he stood under the hot water, rinsing off impurities, both literally and symbolically, releasing himself from the horrid thoughts of suicide and total aloneness.
~~~The End
++AN: Well, it ended kinda abruptly but I think it came across pretty well. Tell me what you think please!!! Angel Sanctuary is a great anime and its about time it got some recognition!!