One
It's the summer of 1933 and Bucky and Steve are in the Rogers' apartment.
They put the couch pillows on the floor because Steve loves to draw but his Ma doesn't want the black charcoal smudges on the couch.
Steve sketched away and Bucky was laying beside him to watch him. The sun goes down and Steve starts complaining about the light. He already has bad eyesight, so Bucky gets up to turn on the light. Not without rolling his eyes of course.
Sometime after the sun is completely gone, Bucky feels his eyes drift shut. Watching Steve was always great, the way his slender fingers move over the pages and fill them with life. But it's really hot and Bucky is tired, so he lets himself fall asleep.
When he opens his eyes again, it's still the middle of the night. The light is still burning but the scraping of charcoal is gone. He turns over and finds Steve fast asleep over his sketchbook. Bucky snorts and gets up to turn the light off again. His body hurts from sleeping on the floor, but it's okay.
Bucky moves back to his spot in the pile of pillows and lays down again. He turns to face Steve and almost squawks in shock. The blonde is awake and his eyes are fixed to Bucky's own. Steve has smudges from the charcoal on his face and Bucky lifts a hand to wipe them away.
They are close, closer than ever before and Bucky notices small green dots in the blue of Steve's eyes. He wipes away the charcoal and they go back to sleep. Well, at least Steve does. Bucky can't fall asleep because his heartbeat is really fast and he feels heat on his face and neck and chest.
He turns back to Steve again and looks at the blonde's sleeping face. Bucky can't help his feelings and rests his forehead against Steve's. The blonde shifts and Bucky closes his eyes to pretend to be asleep.
When nothing else comes, Bucky opens his eyes again. Steve's face is lit with moonlight and it makes a really beautiful picture. Bucky wished he brought his camera. But he didn't. And he knows that he can't capture this moment on film.
So he keeps it in his heart. Next to his feelings for his best friend, locked behind walls and walls of covers. Bucky loves Steve. But he will never tell anyone that he does.
Two
It's the winter of 1935 and Steve is ill.
Which shouldn't be news, because Steve is always ill during the winter. But this time, it's bad.
At first, he just had a little cold. Then, it became a really heavy cold. And then, it became pneumonia, which left Steve delirious most of the time. The time that Steve isn't fantasizing, he either sleeps or coughs his already frail lungs out.
"I told you to wear a scarf", Bucky sights but stays beside the bed. Steve is asleep right now and Bucky pulls out a new comic book his ma brought home yesterday. He starts reading and as soon as he flipped the last page, he looks at Steve again.
Steve is always reckless and headstrong. And Bucky should know, that whatever he tells Steve not to do, Steve does. So telling him to not wear a scarf might have helped. But now it's too late and Bucky wonders if this time is the last he will sit beside his best friend and the boy he loves.
Bucky's heart breaks at the thought and he bans it from his mind. He should not think about those things. Steve is strong. He will survive this.
Steve's coughing shakes Bucky from his thoughts and he is at his best friends side in no time at all. "Wanna have something to drink, Stevie?", Bucky asks and Steve nods. He helps Steve drink and the way Steve doesn't deny his help shakes Bucky with fear.
"Ya gonna survive this, Stevie. For your ma", Bucky croaks and Steve nods again. The blue of his eyes is clouded with illness and a little bit of fear, but Bucky can see the green spots in them nonetheless. "For me...", Bucky whispers sadly.
He is very well aware that nobody can hear this as long as he and Steve are alive. In a way, Bucky is ill too. He just doesn't feel weak from it.
The fog clouding Steve's eyes moves a bit and maybe even clears a little. But Bucky is too caught up with his resent towards the church and the doctors to notice. They all say that he is ill. That a healthy young boy isn't supposed to love his best friend.
Bucky doesn't feel ill. He feels good. Every moment he gets to spend with Steve is precious to him. "If only I could tell you...", Bucky whispers and a tear slides down his cheek. Steve slowly moves his hand and wipes it away.
A small smile is plastered across Steve's face and Bucky knows, Steve will survive this.
Because Steve is strong like that.
Three
It's spring 1936 and Bucky is happy.
Steve got better and is as healthy as he can be. Of course Steve still has his crooked spine and his asthma and his bandy feet. But Steve's life isn't in immediate danger and so, Bucky is happy.
They are outside in the park and rolling around in the grass until their pants are green. Steve is laughing full of life and Bucky laughs too. That his laugh is a bit darker and sadder isn't important.
Sarah talked to him. She said that Steve may not make it past 25 years. Bucky can't imagine a life without Steve, his sweet Stevie by his side. So, Bucky will do everything to make Steve's life as much fun and as happy as he can. Despite all the illnesses that are waiting around the corner.
It isn't the first time Bucky desperately wishes he could punch each illness in the face and tell them to stay away from his Stevie like he does with the bullies. But illnesses aren't substantial enough to be punched, so Bucky has to make Steve's time worth it.
Bucky saved quite a bit of money and asks Steve if he wants to go to Coney Island. Of course, Steve agrees. He loves Coney Island. So they go back home and tell their Ma's not to worry, that they will be at Coney Island and back by nightfall.
Sarah gives Bucky an approving glance before they leave. Bucky knows, Sarah wants nothing more than to heal Steve and give him the life he deserves. But since whether Sarah nor Bucky can work magic, they will have to make do with what they have.
Coney Island is great. Bucky and Steve go on many of the rides and Bucky even pulls Steve on the Cyclone. Steve throws up as soon as they get off. And they ride the Ferris Wheel, which Bucky doesn't like. "It's too slow", he says when someone asks.
But the real reason Bucky doesn't like the Ferris Wheel is, because it's a couple thing. And as desperately as Bucky wants to be with Steve as a couple, they can't. Also, Steve probably doesn't feel the same as Bucky.
Not that Bucky knows. He never asked. But Steve is so religious it hurts. And the church says Bucky is ill for loving his best friend more than a best friend should. So Steve definitely doesn't feel the same.
They spent all their money for the rides and Hot Dogs and have to walk a long distance to get home. "We should watch the money next time", Steve grumbles and Bucky nods. They really should.
They are home by nightfall, just as they promised and Bucky earns another approving glance from Sarah. Oh, if only she knew. Steve wants to spent the time outside because the nights are getting warmer.
Bucky tags along. He doesn't really want to be outside, but he always goes with what Steve has to say. So, they sit outside on the roof of their apartment complex and tell stories and laugh. Some time after, Steve falls back and stretches across the red bricks on the roof.
Bucky does the same. He always does. They talk a bit more and laugh a bit more and then, there is silence. Bucky turns and sees Steve dozing. Bucky leans over to Steve and swipes a strand of blonde hair from Steve's forehead.
Then, Bucky whispers a feather-light kiss to Steve's forehead and shuffles back to his own spot. Bucky doesn't count the minutes until Steve wakes up. He just lays there on the roof and counts stars. When Steve gets up, he doesn't say anything.
They get down from the roof and into Steve's bedroom. Bucky is about to leave as Steve grabs the hem of Bucky's shirt and tugs it. "Stay", Steve whispers so quietly Bucky almost doesn't hear it. But he does and nods.
Steve's face lights up and he smiles brightly. They pull of their pants and shirts and socks and get into bed. Steve has the blanket and Bucky has nothing. "That's not fair", Steve says and throws the blanket over both of them. "Come closer, my butt's freezing", he ads and Bucky moves closer to Steve.
In the lights seeping in from the street lamps outside, Bucky can see the green dots in Steve's blue eyes and smiles before they say good night and fall asleep.
Four
It's 1942 and Bucky is leaving.
He hid the draft letter under his mattress for half a year. He told everyone how proud he was to walk in his father's footsteps and enlist for the army. It is Bucky's last night home. First thing tomorrow morning Bucky will ship out and probably never come back alive.
Maybe it's better this way.
Bucky went looking for Steve. And found him in a dark alley, once again fighting someone twice his size. Why wasn't Bucky surprised? Because he had seen this happen a lot of times during their yearlong friendship and even more often during the recent weeks.
"Sometimes, I think you like getting punched", is the first thing Bucky says when he pulls Steve out of the fight."I had him on the ropes", Steve says and wipes his nose, leaving behind a small smudge of blood. Bucky wants to wipe it away himself, hug Steve and never let go. But instead, he replies: "how many times is this?" and picks up yet another rejection note.
After a quick glance, Bucky says: "Oh, you from Paramus now. You know it's illegal to lie in the enlistment form." It's not really a question and Steve knows that. He is still busy cleaning his clothes when Bucky adds: "And seriously, Jersey?"
At that, Steve looks at him. Finally Bucky thinks and sees the frown on Steve's perfect face. Steve looks him up and down and Bucky stands a little more straight. He is wearing his uniform already and tries to look as proud about it as he should be. "Got your orders?", Steve asks and Bucky can't help but look down and take a shaky breath.
Bucky is afraid. But as cocky as he is, Bucky just says: "107th Sargent James Barnes, shipping out for England first thing tomorrow." Steve nods and wipes another speck of dust from his coat. "I should be going", Steve says wryly and Bucky doesn't like it.
He waits another second, then throws his arm around Steve like he's done his whole life and says: "Come on, man. It's my last night, gotta get you cleaned up." Then, Bucky throws the rejection note over his shoulder. "Why, where are we going?", Steve asks and Bucky softly slaps a newspaper against Steve's chest.
"The future", Bucky says and Steve unfolds the paper. It's the Stark Expo opening night today and Bucky wouldn't want to miss that last night with Steve. He even got another pair of girls for them to cover up that he'd rather be alone with Steve.
"I don't see what the problem is. You're about to be the last eligible man in New York", Bucky says lightly and tries to hide his own discomfort rising from that comment. They are at the Stark Expo now. There are shiny lights all over the place and still, it's more dark than lighted.
"You know, there's three and a half million women here", Bucky ads and hopes that his jealousy isn't too clearly audible. "Well, I'd settle for just one", Steve grumbles beside him and Bucky rolls his eyes before replying: "Good thing I took care of that" and waving at two girls who are waiting for them.
Bucky can at least pretend so that Steve thinks everything's alright.
"Hey Bucky!", one of the girls shouts at Bucky and he puts up a smile. He doesn't like this, not one bit, but it has to be. "What'd ya tell her about me?", Steve asks nervously and runs a hand through his hair. "Only the good stuff", Bucky replies before diving into his act nose first.
They walk through the differing stands and Bucky has that one girl, he forgot her name, in his arm. The other is tacked to her friends arm and as always, Steve is trailing behind. Stark makes a show about flying cars and Bucky wants to share with Steve, so he turns around – and Steve is gone.
The smile Bucky had plastered to his face is gone too, because he as a bad feeling as soon as his eyes land on the "I want you – U.S. Army – enlist now" - poster a few feet away. Bucky sights and walks through the crowd of people to the rooms the poster lead him. And sure enough, Steve is there standing in front of one of those light mirrors were you can only see your reflection when a light turns on.
It's covered in soldiers and one of the faces is cut out. Bucky supposed it's so men can see how they'd look in uniform. And of course, Steve is too small for it and only the upper quarter of his head can be seen.
Bucky walks up to it and shoves Steve's shoulder, already missing the touch. "Come on, you're kinda missing the point of a double date. We're taking the girls dancing", Bucky says and tries to put all his joy in it. "You'll go ahead, Ill catch up with you", Steve replies.
Bucky can see that it's no use. They had this discussion before. Bucky made his point clear and Steve made his point very clear. But Bucky tries nonetheless.
"You're really gonna do this again?", Bucky asks and there's a new strain to his voice. "It's all fair, I'm gonna try my luck", Steve replies and he, too, has a new tone to his voice. Something... defiant Bucky'd say.
What he says is: "As who, Steve from Ohio? They'll catch you, worse, they'll actually take you." Bucky desperately wishes he would get through to Steve. But again, it's no use. "Look, I know you don't think this-", Steve starts. Bucky has enough. "This isn't a back alley, Steve. It's war", Bucky almost growls.
"I know it's a war", Steve says and Bucky immediately retorts with: "Then, why are you so keen to fight? There's so many important jobs, somebody has to do them." "What do you want me to do, collect scrap in my little red wagon?", Steve gets louder. "YES!", Bucky almost screams with an exasperated gesture of his hands.
"I'm not gonna sit in a factory, Bucky", Steve says. Bucky wants to interrupt him again, but Steve just stream-rolls right over what Bucky has to say and continues: "Bucky! Come one, there are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That's what you don't understand. This isn't about me."
Bucky has so much to say. So many words that wanna spill. But all Bucky says is: "Right. 'Cause you got nothin' to prove." Bucky knows, he is wearing his best Don't-shit-me-Rogers-face, only from the look Steve gives him.
There's a moment were they just look at each other. Only Steve and Bucky. It's like silent understanding. Bucky is not gonna approve of whatever bullshit Steve is going to pull. Steve isn't going to let up until he either dies or gets accepted into the army.
"Hey, Sarge! Are we going dancing now?", one of the girls calls out to Bucky and he turns, dreading the interruption. The "Yes, we are" comes out a little too annoyed and Bucky winces internally because now he's gone and done it.
Bucky turns back around and takes a deep breath, exhales and takes another deep breath. He looks past Steve without any particular reason. Bucky takes a step backwards and looks at Steve for what could be the last time in their lives. He commits every detail to his memory.
"Don't do anything stupid 'till I get back", Bucky says, knowing very well that he might probably never ever come back. Steve snorts and replies: "How can I, taking all the stupid with you?" Bucky can't help it. This has always been their game, annoying the other for fun.
This time is different. Bucky feels tears prick in his eyes as he walks back to Steve and shakes his head. "You're a punk", Bucky says and Steve draws him for a hug. "Jerk", the blonde softly replies and pats Bucky on the back.
There's a split second when they pull back that Bucky feels like he's going to break in half. Steve looks at him up close and once more, Bucky can see the small green spots in Steve's blue. He commits that to his memory too.
"Be careful", is the last thing Steve says before they part ways. But it's going to be alright. Steve will be save and Bucky will carry those feelings with him to his grave.
Five
It's November 1943 and Bucky is captured.
He isn't even sure if it's November or December, if it's 1943 or 1946. All Bucky knows is that he feels weak, beaten and is strapped to a table. Experiments. Because Bucky is Jewish. The Nazis don't like Jews Bucky learned.
Bucky is cold and he knows, his clothes must reek of sweat and piss and maybe even dried blood. Bucky isn't sure about the latter, but he is sure of his rank, his name and his service number. To keep at least a little sanity, he rambles them off all the time.
It might seem like Bucky had gone crazy because he rambled that shit off all day and night. But it helped him remember why he had to stay strong. Steve was at home, waiting for him to come back. Bucky would always come back to Steve.
So, Bucky keeps rambling: "Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, 32557038" like a fucking prayer that can bring him back home to Steve. Then, suddenly, hands. For a second, Bucky fears they are going to shove the next needle into his arm, that he is about to experience even worse pain than before.
But there are no needles and instead, there is Steve's voice and Steve's face but it's way higher than before and the hands are too big and the chest too broad and Steve isn't Steve anymore. "I thought you were dead", Steve says and Bucky looks him up and down.
He can't say he doesn't like it. "I thought you were smaller", Bucky replies ineloquently. Steve's head whips around as if he heard something and he grabs Bucky's arms a little tighter. "Think you can stand?", Steve asks and Bucky nods.
The first steps are weird. Bucky's legs feel like jelly and he wobbles a little. But he recovers unnaturally fast and stumbles in an attempt to keep up with Steve. "What happened", Bucky asks and catches up just as Steve replies: "I joined the army."
They walk out into the hallway and Bucky shoves the sleeves of his shirt up. "Did it hurt?", he asks and Steve answers: "A little." "Is it permanent?", Bucky asks and Steve replies: "So far!" Bucky can't believe it.
He had dedicated his whole life to protecting Steve Rogers, the sickly kid from Brooklyn and now, there was no person who needed less protection than Steve.
The rest of their escape was fast and fizzled by Bucky's mind most. The only thing he remembers after they walk out of that damned HYDRA base is the red face Johann Schmidt uncovered beneath the mask he whore.
They walk into camp like a goddamn parade. Less trumpets and music, but there isn't much that's missing. The other soldiers cheer as Steve walks past them and Bucky stands a little more straight. A woman with short reddish hair and red lips approaches Steve and Says: "You're late" in a heavy English accent.
Steve fumbles around his uniform for a moment, before revealing a damaged device that looks suspiciously like a mobile phone. "Couldn't call my ride", Steve smiles at the woman and she coaxes an eyebrow. Bucky feels left out and it hurts.
"Hey! Let's hear it for Captain America!", Bucky shouts and the soldiers start to applaud. Steve gives him that patented are-you-kidding-me-Barnes-look and Bucky coaxes his eyebrows and grins his trademark lopsided grin. After all, this had always been their game.
Bucky and the rest of the survivors are channelled through countless medical examinations and cleared for duty pretty soon. Steve never leaves his side and Bucky is thankful for that. He will have to tell Steve why but right now, he only is afraid of more needles and injections and that stuff.
Colonel Phillips shows up sometime through the day and his degrading look sets Bucky's teeth on edge. Steve quietly explains that he didn't have the mission to save Bucky and the others but took this all on his own. Bucky's heart sinks even further.
He offers himself for court marshal, but Colonel Phillips decides not to punish Steve or Peggy(the woman who greeted them, Bucky learned) or Howard Stark, who apparently played a role in Steve's latest scheme.
Bucky and Dum Dum and the others are given some time away from the battlefield and Bucky couldn't be any more thankful. They find themselves in a bar in London to celebrate their surviving. Bucky keeps away from the others. They ask to many questions he doesn't like.
And still, Steve that punk manages to find him somehow. He looks all the Captain with his size and build and the uniform to top it off. "See? Told you, they are all idiots", Bucky says and takes a sip of his glass. Steve chuckles low and looks at him expectantly. "How about you?", Steve says. Bucky downs his fifth? Sixth ? Glass of whiskey and sighs.
"You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?", Steve asks with a grin. "Hell no", Bucky deadpans him and snorts. "That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight – I'm following him", Bucky ads after a short pause.
The incredulous look on Steve's face makes way for a wide grin that proof that, yes, this is still Steve Rogers because it's the same damn smile that got both of them into countless fights. "But you're keeping the outfit, right?", Bucky asks and gains another low chuckle. "You know what?", Steve says and looks at one of those ridiculous posters announcing the Captain America tour before he continues: "It's kinda grown on me."
Suddenly, Dum Dum and Dernier and the others stop singing and Steve stretches his neck to see what's going on. Bucky nearly dislocates his in an attempt to follow Steve's line of sight. But they don't have to be all neck-stretchy, because Agent Peggy Carter comes straight to them. Or rather Steve, by the looks of it.
And she looks all at home in her wine-red dress and matching lipstick. "Captain", she says and Steve replies: "Agent Carter." Bucky is a little surprised and only manages an ineloquently: "Ma'am" which Carter totally rolls over.
"Howard has new equipment for you to try. Tomorrow morning?", she says and Steve nods. "Sounds good", he replies and Bucky waits for this to be over. But Peggy doesn't move and after a few seconds of silent understanding between her and Steve, which Bucky totally doesn't like, she turns to look at Bucky and he can only look at his shoes in embarrassment.
"I see your top-squad is preping for duty", Peggy says and the tone of her voice suggested that she is not amused by the others drinking away. "You don't like music?", Bucky asks and tries to flirt to get her away from Steve.
It doesn't work, she is keeping her eyes on Steve like a predator on a big steak and replies: "I do, actually. I might even, when this is all over, go dancing." Inwardly, Bucky is screaming, shouting and crying and all at the same time. On the outside however, he keeps his flirty appearance up and asks: "Then what are you waiting for?"
"The right partner", she says, still not averting her gaze from Steve. "Tomorrow morning, Captain" Peggy says and turns to leave. "Yes, ma'am. I'll be there", Steve shouts after her and Bucky feels like he is going to kill someone (more precisely either himself or Peggy) or start crying for all that it's worth.
"I'm invisible. I'm... I'm turning into you, this is a horrible dream", Bucky says and it's meant to test the waters and determine how many more drinks he will have to throw down before he wanders off to somewhere or gets himself killed intentionally.
For a split second, Steve seems unsure of what to say and Bucky can see an emotion bolting across his best friends face. But it's to fast, the moment gone and Steve claps his shoulder and says: "Don't take it so hard. Maybe she's got a friend." and Bucky breaks down inside, giving up on all hope and feeling his heart being crushed.
Bucky can't and won't hate Steve. Or Peggy for that matter. None of them knows how he feels, so he has no right to make them responsible for that. But Bucky knows that he isn't able to watch them become a happy family.
He drinks another seventeen glasses of whiskey, before he stumbles out the bar and to the hotel they are all billeted in. Bucky almost doesn't make it up the stairs and when he finally arrives at his room, he opens the door, walks three steps inside, closes the door and slumps heavily against it.
Bucky can't take it anymore, it's too much. How long has it been since he fell in love with this sickly punk? Bucky thought back to the days they worried about nothing more than their Ma's getting angry at another set of green clothes.
That's it, there never was a time when he didn't love the punk. He only just realized when he was 16 years old and they put the couch pillows on the floor in the Rogers' living room. Bucky remembers this night like no other. The picture of Steve's face bathed in silvery moonlight was still fresh in his mind, even after all these years.
Bucky feels the tears spilling over and curls up on the floor. He's a proud man and nobody's ever seen him cry aside from Steve and his own ma. Bucky doesn't plan on adding to that list. So, he lays there, in front of the door so nobody can open it and come in and cries his heart out.
Silently without any sound, the tears staining the old carpet on the floor. And with every tear that slides down Bucky's face, his heart breaks more. Until it's laying right beside him, shattered to tiny pieces and never to be repaired again.
Some time after midnight, Bucky moves from his spot on the floor to the bed. The tears are still spilling, as silent as before and his mind wanders to a better place. A place where Steve could have been his.
Bucky hears the heavy footsteps before they reach his door, hears the rustling of clothes and the sharp intake of breath. He hears that it's Steve, he'd know those steps, this subconscious intake of breath when Steve was nervous, anywhere.
The knocks on the door are almost too loud and Bucky pretends to be not there. Or asleep. Whichever Steve preferred to think. A few minutes pass, Bucky knows, he's counted the ticks of the clock hanging above the door until Steve knocks again, more forcefully this time.
"Buck, I know you're in there. Open up, ya jerk", he says and Bucky sighs. He gets up from the bed and walks over to the door. Opening it a crack, Bucky asks: "Whaddaya want? Can't wait until tomorrow?" and yawns to emphasize his point.
Again, Steve gifts him with his patented are-you-kidding-me-Barnes-look and shoulders the door open to walk into the room. Bucky is tired of pretending, tired of the pain and the sorrow those feelings cost him and is almost tempted to jump out the window and see if he can still die or if even death was denied to him now.
Instead of jumping out the window, Bucky slumps against the door and groans. "Don't shit me, Barnes", Steve says and Bucky just glares at him. "Steve, it's half past one in the morning and I've had a few really hard months. Can I please catch up on some much needed sleep now?", Bucky growls.
Steve rolls his eyes and steps closer to Bucky. "You've been crying, Buck. I can see as much", Steve says and moves even closer, until his forehead touches Bucky's. "Had a nightmare", Bucky whispers and looks up to Steve.
He has to look up now, to see it. But Bucky can still make out the small green spots in all of Steve's blue. Has anyone else ever seen them aside from Bucky? He didn't think so. Probably even Carter hasn't seen them Bucky thought with a snicker in his head.
Bucky knows, that they are there. They have been as long as he can remember. And it's going to be alright. Steve is going to be safe, he's going to survive this.
A year later, Bucky falls from the train.
Six
It's 2016 and Bucky is finally free.
He remembers. Bucky survived the fall off the train in Switzerland and became a part of HYDRA. He survived through more than seventy years. He remembers.
Bucky remembers trying to kill Steve. He remembers attempting to kill SHIELD-director Fury. Bucky remembers killing Howard Stark and his wife Maria. He remembers every single one of the life' he's taken and almost taken.
Bucky can't trust his own mind anymore, even less after Zemo revealed that the Winter Soldier can be triggered with mere words. And yet, when he comes to, his face halfway covered in long brown hair – his own as he realizes – he sees Steve and the hope in Steve's eyes.
"Steve", Bucky says and his voice rasps from not being used in years. "Which Bucky am I talking to?", Steve asks and Bucky scrambles his brain for something to prove than, no, he is not the Winter Soldier anymore.
"Your ma's name was Sarah", Bucky says in wonder of the new information flooding to him. "You used to wear newspapers in your shoes", he continues and chuckles a little at the memory. "That's stuff you can't find in the museums", Steve says and now, that glimmer of hope is in his voice too.
"We used to put the couch pillows on the floor, because you loved to draw", Bucky completely ignores Steve and the other man as he works through the latest set of memories.
"You made tons of sketches from everything that you could find. Your mother, my sister Becca, me. Even the view from the windows, you would sketch it all. I bought new stuff for you every year for your birthday and Christmas", Bucky rambles in awe.
"Your ma never wanted you to sketch on the couch because she didn't want the smears of charcoal everywhere. You only used charcoal, it was the only thing that made sense since you where colour-blind. I bought coloured pencils one year and you left them untouched, because you couldn't determine which colour belonged where. You told me so yourself", Bucky says and looks at Steve.
And Steve looks back in awe and admiration and a pang of regret splits Bucky's heart in two. He shuts his mouth with the click of his teeth and tries to keep more from spilling. But Steve keeps looking at him that way and eventually it's to much and he can't take it anymore and it feels like he knows this and before he can say anything, another set of memories flood his mind.
Bucky lets out an anguished cry at the sheer mass of emotions filling him after years of emptiness and his head whips back. Bucky knows, his lips are parted in a silent scream but he can't do anything about it.
Steve's moonlit, sleeping face. Steve's lips, parted in surprise, in awe, in pain, in fear. Steve's face, smiling, crying, angry. Steve, laughing beside him. Steve, sleeping peacefully by his side. Steve saving him back in 1943. Steve throwing up after they rode the Cyclone at Coney Island. Steve, Steve, Steve.
Bucky's heart picks up pace and his breath comes quicker. He feels the familiar heat creep up his cheeks and neck and down his chest and back. He feels his ears burning.
Peggy Carter. Jealousy. Colonel Phillips. Resent. Dum Dum. Happiness. Dernier. Friendly.
Steve. Love.
Bucky doesn't even realize that he's trying his best to break free from that vice trapping his metal arm until the black man calls out to Steve and red hot fury clouds Bucky's mind as he let's out a roar worth that of ten lions and nearly rips the arm from his body.
But then, Steve is there and his arms are around Bucky and Bucky knows Steve's okay, Steve's safe, Steve's alive. Bucky calms down and says only one thing.
"Kill me"
Steve looks at him in utter confusion. And then, the words sink into his mind and Bucky can see the tears in Steve's eyes and immediately, he's sorry for saying that. Bucky shouldn't hurt Steve. Bucky is supposed to protect Steve.
On the other hand, there are dozens of people lusting after Bucky's life and if Steve keeps him close, he might die too. So killing Bucky seems like the best option. At least to Bucky himself.
Steve wraps him up in his arms and Bucky can't breathe. He feels Steve's head on his shoulder and the tears that soak his shirt. Bucky wraps his right arm around Steve and whispers "Sorry" in his ear a thousand times and more.
"I can't do this anymore, Buck. I lost you twice, ain't gonna happen a third time", Steve says and lifts his head to look at Bucky. And Bucky can see the emotion in his face again, the one from back in the war, in this dreaded bar in London, with hundreds of people around. And Bucky still doesn't know what it is.
Steve pads his forehead against Bucky's and looks into the grey eyes there. "Funny, your eyes are the only thing that appear to never change...", Steve whispers and Bucky understands. He thinks it the moment Steve says: "They were already beautiful when all I could see was black and white."
And suddenly Bucky knows what the emotion is called that Steve had in his face their entire life's long. And he is very well aware that it's in his own face too.
As Steve moves in to kiss him, Bucky sees those small green spots in all of Steve's blue and knows, that Steve may not be the perfect soldier. Maybe not even the perfect human. But, Steve is perfect in every way he needs to be.
Their lips meet and Bucky feels that he, too, isn't the perfect soldier HYDRA wanted. And he is far from being the perfect human. But even he has a little bit of blue in all his grey. The only colour, Steve could see all his life, even before the serum. The colour that connected them. The only colour that really mattered.
Their blue.