I Look Up As I Walk

by Omnipotent One Envy

Pain and Love.

I look up as I walk,
So the tears won't fall,
And my secrets won't be obvious.
I look up at night,
And stare upon the stars,
Wishing I was as care free as them.
I look up at the twilight sky,
And think how beautiful it is,
As I think of you.

I hide my eyes as I read,
So people won't stare at how
I soak the pages.
I hide my cheeks as I draw,
So people won't see all the
Smeared ink on my face.
I hide my face as I pass by you,
Because you don't want me to look at you.

I cover my "happiness" while I laugh,
Because it's a lie.
I cover my sadness when I'm
Supposed to be happy;
But I'm really not.
I cover my smile when I see you,
Because you don't want to see it.

I look away when someone makes a mistake,
Because I know how they feel;
And it really does hurt,
Especially when people laugh at you.
I stay silent when someone asks me how I am,
Because I have nothing to say.
I leave when I hear your voice,
Because you don't want me to be near you.

I throw away everything I confess,
Because I can't ever get it right
Because there aren't any words
To describe it.
I throw away all my happiness,
Not on purpose;
But I want it to come back.
I throw away everything I write,
Because it's all about you.

I depend on no one,
Because everyone tells secrets;
Then that person tells another.
I have sureness in no one,
Because everyone tells lies sometimes;
And then there's just a bigger problem.
I trust no one,
Because you promised we could still be friends.

I try to correct myself,
Because I don't want
To love you.
I try to adjust,
Because it hurts me so much;
And it's hard to lie
Everyday about it.
I try to change,
Because I want to be near you again if you'd ever let me;
Even if it means I have to lie
and say
I hate you
To your face.
I want to hear your voice.
I want to talk to you.
I want to listen and help you,
As you did for me.

I never should have told you,
Even through the pain.
Even if I wanted to die.
I never should have confessed my love,
Or all of this wouldn't have happened;
And I wouldn't be hurt even more.
I never should have said, "There's someone else I like,"
Because I miss you so much;
And this is too much
For me to bear.

There's a section of me
That doesn't want to shed a tear for you;
But when I think that
I just cry more.
There's a piece of me
That hates you for all this;
And never wants to see you again.
But there's a part of me
That wants to love you forever;
And be with you,
Forever.

I shed tears in the morning
Because I miss everything about you,
And how I would do anything to hold you
In my arms.
I shed tears at lunch,
Because of what people think of me;
And how I've ruined my reputation.
I shed tears at night,
Because of how this has affected you;
And I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.

I close my eyes when
People talk about you,
Because I'm tired of crying.
I close-up my emotions when
People say who they like,
Because I can't tell them
about you.
I close my heart when
You ever talk to me,
So you don't do more damage.

You tell me you don't want me to talk to you,
.But I love your voice.
You tell me not to look at you,
But I love your beautiful face.
You tell me don't give me notes,
But then however will you read this?

I try to forget you,
Because that's what everyone
Tells me I should do.
I try to stop loving you,
But it's harder than
Everyone thinks.
I try.

I'm going back to normal.
I'm getting better.
It feels like a sickness
I have to fight off
Within myself.

Please,
I'll do anything.
I promise I'll never speak of it again,
Just be friends with me like we were before, like you promised.
Is that too much to ask for?