Job Interview
Disclaimer: I don't own House M.D. or the Monty Python dialogue. So, basically, this is all copyright infringement. Forgive me.
Takes place season one.
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"You know, I really do enjoy interviewing applicants." Greg House told his cane.
There was a knock on the door and a man who looked an awful lot like Graham Chapman walked into House's office.
"Come and sit down" House told him.
"Thank you."
House stared at the man for a minute and began writing on his clipboard.
"Would you mind standing up again for one moment?" House asked. The man complied.
"Take a seat" House told him again, and again the man sat down.
"Ah!" said House, and began to write again. "Good morning."
"Good morning"
"Good morning"
"Good morning"
"Tell me, why did you say 'good morning' when you know perfectly well that it's the afternoon?" House asked.
"Well, you said 'good morning'" the man laughed nervously.
House shook his head.
"Good afternoon."
"Ah, good afternoon."
"Oh dear." House wrote down something again. "Good evening."
"…Goodbye?"
"Hahaha, no. "House picked up a small bell and rang it.
"…Aren't you going to ask me why I rang the bell?" He rings the bell again.
"Er, why did you ring the bell?"
"Why do you think I rang the bell? FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, ZERO!" House shouted.
"Well, I, I…."
"TOO LATE!" Then House began to sing. "Goodnight ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Goodnight ding-ding-ding-ding-ding."
"Um, this is the interview for the…"
"Yes, it is." House said and began to ring the bell again.
"Goodnight dings, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding."
"Oh dear, I don't think I'm doing very well."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Did you say it because you didn't know?"
"Well…"
"FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, ZERO! Right." House then put in hands next to his head and made a low birdlike noise.
"I'm sorry, I'm confused." Said the man, sounding incredibly confused.
"Well, why do you think I did that?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Aren't you curious?"
"Yes…"
"Well, why didn't you just ask me?"
"Er...I…Uh…"
"Name?"
"What?"
"Your name, man, your name!"
"Oh, David."
"Sure?"
"Yes, quite."
"David Shore"
"No, Thomas!"
"Thomas Shore?"
"No, no, David Thomas."
House stared at David again, and then rang the bell once more.
"Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding- ding-ding-ding. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding."
"Oh dear, we're back to that again. I don't know what to do when you do that!"
"Well do something. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Five, Four, Three, Two, One-"
"BRAWK!" Yelled David while waving his hands near his head.
"Good!"
"Good?"
"Very good- Do it again."
"BRAWK!" Said David again, waving his hands.
"Very good indeed."
Then House called "Ready now!" through door. In walked Foreman, Wilson, Chase and the janitor who wears his pants backwards.
"Why are we doing this again?" asked Foreman.
"Money" said the janitor.
"He threatened to fire me!" said Chase.
"Once more" said House to Dr. Thomas. "Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding."
David waved his hands again and cautiously yelled "BRAWK."
Suddenly Chase, Wilson, Foreman and Pants-Backwards Janitor held up point cards, all with sevens and eights.
"What's going on? What's going on?" asked David
"You got very good marks." Said House.
"Well I don't care; I want to know what's going on! I think you're deliberately trying to humiliate people, and I'm going straight out of here and I'm going to tell the police exactly what you do to people and I'm going to make absolutely sure that you never do it again. There, what do you think of that? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?" screamed David hysterically.
The judges gave him more very high marks again.
"Very good marks" said House.
"Oh, well, do I get the job?"
"Um, no. I'm afraid all the vacancies were filled several weeks ago." Said House, who then fell out of his chair with laughter.