Thought Process

I was laying on my bed in my favorite thinking position. I needed to come to terms with stuff in my life, but had been avoiding these things like they were a plague. I wasn't getting any younger and despite my advancing years, I still could not decide what I wanted to do with my life. I never made life simple for myself. I didn't want the same things my sister wanted. She is 'Burg. I am something else but still spring from 'Burg roots. I guess what I'm saying is that while I don't want the typical 'Burg life, I still feel compelled by it. In thinking about the men in my life, one was more 'Burg than the other. Growing up, Joe was the type of man I was supposed to marry one day. Of course, no one really wanted me to marry at Morelli, but his qualities fit the bill.

Joe Morelli, a Trenton vice cop, with movie star good looks and a sometimes 'bad boy' image had a hold over me that I probably should not analyze too closely. His obvious sexual attraction was easy enough to understand, but there was something else about him that kept me coming back for more. He has a temper. He hates my job. Hell, I hate my job sometimes, so that shouldn't matter. He understood that I'm not the typical 'Burg babe. Babe, the one word that totally throws me every time I hear it.

Babe is what Ranger calls me. When he says it, it could mean just about anything, but more often than not I understand the meaning. Ranger is not 'Burg, will never be 'Burg and doesn't pretend to be 'Burg. He's a world away from what I grew up believing I wanted or needed. He's a friend, a mentor and a protector. If he has a temper, he doesn't show it. He has never once asked me to quit my job, but he's been there for me when things went badly. It's the feelings that I have for him that keep me from committing myself to a relationship with Joe. At least, that's what I have been telling myself for three years. The truth may be something totally different.

As I lay against the headboard, I realize that I really fear rejection. I know Joe. I've known him since early childhood. Okay, maybe not so well back then, but I know his family, his friends. I know what he likes and dislikes. I don't know Ranger as well as I would like. I don't know all of his family or friends. I know some of the men who work for him and put their lives on the line for me. Despite what I don't know about Ranger, there's still a strange connection between us that I honestly don't want to break.

The thing is that Ranger and Joe have a truce of sort where I'm concerned. It's made me even more confused about my feelings. There are moments when I don't much like either one of them. I sleep with Joe fairly regularly, but I still share moments with Ranger that feel like he's poaching. He uses subtle pressure to test the water with me and, God help me, I let him do it. If I were totally committed to Joe, that shouldn't happen. Ranger knows it. I know it.

I should walk away from one and give myself totally to the other, but I can't. No matter what I tell myself, I need them both. If I were to agree to marry Joe, it would change my relationship with Ranger dramatically. I don't know if I can stand that. If I try to explore a relationship with Ranger, I might lose Joe's friendship. I know I don't want that either. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. To make matters worse, I really do love them both.

Lately, I noticed that Joe's been pretty quiet. He's got something on his mind and frankly, I'm afraid to find out what it is. Maybe he's heard that Ranger's stepped up his moves. I know that Joe is aware of what goes on in the alley next to Vinnie's place. He mentioned it once before, but tried to gloss over it a little. I know that he was hurt, but I still can't help myself.

Why can't I make up my mind? I really am not sure I even want to. I mean, right now I'm getting the best of both worlds. I have Joe and Ranger both. The thing is, I am actually starting to feel guilty about it. I really don't want to hurt either one of them, but if things continue the way they are going now, I know all three of us will end up with nothing. Of course, there's the issue that Ranger hasn't really offered a relationship. He's been honest about that. He's not the marrying kind, but then again, I'm not so sure I am either.

Joe, on the other hand, really wants the family and home scene. At least I think he does. He's mentioned it a couple of times. Me, I don't know that I can do the wife and kids thing. I know that sometime soon I will need to decide. So that brings me right back to where I was when I started thinking.

I heard the locks on the door tumble. That meant that Ranger was in the building. It was nearly midnight. I know he saw my bedroom light on from the parking lot. I have to smile at how he always checks in on me.

"Hey, Babe," he said with a smile from the doorway. He looked incredibly handsome and dangerous leaning against the door jamb.

"What are you doing here?" I don't know why I asked.

"Saw the light. Can't sleep?"

"Something like that."

"Need help?"

"What kind are you offering?"

"Whatever kind you need."

Yeah, he'd help himself right into my bed if I let him, but this isn't about sex.

"Not the kind you're interested in."

"How do you know what I'm interested in?"

He had a point. There were times I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"Touche."

Ranger came over to sit by me on the bed. "You've obviously been thinking. What's up?"

I leaned back against the bed, but thought I would be more comfortable against Ranger. I took a chance and moved against him. "I've been sitting here examining my life. I guess I was thinking it is time to grow up and I've been trying to figure out how to do that without becoming someone else."

Ranger nodded. "And," he prompted.

"And, I don't know anything more than I did when I started the whole thinking process. I mean, there are times when I feel like a total failure and times when I think that this is the best time of my life. I suppose that's normal, right?" Okay, so I need validation here.

"Yeah, sounds normal. Why do you feel like you're a failure?"

I moved closer to him, inhaling his unique scent. "There are times when I think I need to conform to what is expected of me. I don't want to let my parents down. There are times when I think that I'm letting Joe down as well. Have I ever let you down?" I asked without thinking.

"No, Babe, you haven't let me down. I don't think you've let Morelli down either. Your parents understand that you're different. The only person you need to live for, Steph, is yourself."

I felt his arm tighten around my shoulders. Funny how this big, bad mercenary would make me feel better.

"Babe, why the deep reflection?"

"Joe's kind of gotten quiet. I know he's aware of what goes on in the alley and I think it has finally gotten to him. I don't' want to hurt him, Ranger."

"I see," he said quietly.

"Do you?"

"Yeah, you want me to step away." His face was blank when I looked up to face him.

"No, I don't. That's just it. I was sitting here thinking that the problem is me. I can't choose between you two. I care about both of you." Can't use the "L" word with Ranger.

Ranger released me and moved to stand up. "Babe, Morelli is a good man. He can take care of you and offer you the kind of life that I can't. That doesn't mean that I don't care about you. You know that I do." He moved away from the bed.

Emboldened by my hour of deep soul searching, I went after him. I stopped him in front of the couch. "Look at me Ranger." I grabbed at his arm. He swung around and for a moment the mask slipped.

"I don't know that I could ever commit to what Joe's offering, even if you weren't around. I'm not asking you to back off. I'm the problem, not you. I'm the one that goes through withdrawal if I don't see you for a week. I'm the one that calls you when I need help. Joe is starting to see that I'm the one who goes running to you; you're not chasing me." My voice started to crack. "You're not chasing me," I whispered.

I turned to go back to my room, but a pair of strong arms encased me. "I want to," he whispered. "I want to be the one you come to when you need help. I want to be the one who sleeps with you and protects you. Jesus, Steph, I want it all, but I can't have it." His voice turned thick with emotion.

I swallowed hard. "Why not? Why can't you have it all?"

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. I keep thinking that you need someone who will keep you safe and happy. Someone who can give you a home and a family. I know you don't want those things now, but you will. You're from the 'Burg. It's going to be calling to you like some siren's song."

I considered his words. He wants me, but was just as afraid as I am of commitment. "And if I don't want those things? If I don't need those things to make me happy? You know what my biggest fear is?"

"No, what?"

"My biggest fear is that you won't come to me. My biggest fear is that you will reach a point where you won't care anymore. It'll be my fault and I will have lost something very important. So figure that one out, will you," I said, my eyes filling with tears. God, what has gotten into me?

"Babe, don't cry," he sighed and pulled me close. "I promise you that I'll always be there for you, no matter what decisions you make regarding your future. Does that make it easier?"

I looked up into the perfect face that I was growing to love. He hadn't said that he loved me or that he wanted me, but he made me a promise. Ranger doesn't break his promises.

"I'm not being fair to Morelli, Ranger. I can't hurt him anymore. He deserves better."

"Babe, you're the best. You're what he wants. Think about it long and hard before you make a move."

I yawned. "I will. Thanks."

I climbed back into bed. Ranger pulled the covers up over me and turned out the light. I felt his light kiss on my forehead. I smiled to myself. Nothing had changed. I hadn't gotten any further in my decision process. I was still uncommitted and afraid to lose them both. Maybe a good night's sleep would help me see things clearer. Yes, I wouldn't think about it anymore. I'll wait until tomorrow.