Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter; everything except for the intricacies of Lily's character belong to JKR, Scholastic, and a variety of other people much luckier and richer than I am.
Thanks to the fabulous beta PennilynNovus for her amazing help with this!
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I
Lily's first reaction to her Hogwarts letter was to laugh it off as a joke. Petunia had.
She can still remember the look on her sister's face when she told her she was going to go to Hogwarts. She said nothing after her sister called her a freak. She did nothing until Petunia stormed off. Then she calmly went up to her room and broke down.
II
She almost didn't go to Hogwarts. She still doesn't know if she made the right choice.
III
At night, sometimes, in that time when she's almost asleep and not sure if she's dreaming or not, she'd imagine what it would have been like to go to school with Petunia.
In her dreams, they always laugh together.
Petunia's never laughed with her since she decided to learn magic.
IV
She loves James completely. She never doubts her decision to marry him.
Sometimes she wishes she'd never agreed to go out with him.
Sometimes she thinks she loves him too much.
V
Whenever James leaves for groceries and she's home alone and depressed, she remembers what her mother once said, to be grateful for what she has.
Four close friends (once there were five, but then there was the Dark Mark). A husband (she knows he's going to die someday). A sister (Petunia hates her). A child (she doesn't want her child to grow up in a war).
Being grateful for what she has never makes her happier.
VI
When she found out she was pregnant, she didn't know if she was laughing or crying. She didn't want a child . . . who wanted a child in the middle of the war? An hour later, she cleaned herself up, smiled, and told James. He was ecstatic.
VII
The Sorting Hat's first choice was to put her in Ravenclaw. She never told anyone but James this, but she thinks they all know.
The Sorting Hat only decided not to put her in Slytherin because she was a Muggleborn. She never told anyone, but she thinks Sirius knows.
VIII
At her parents' funeral, she saw Petunia. They said nothing, but they were sisters then.
She never saw Petunia again.
IX
They never told her about the war when they told her she should go to Hogwarts. They never told her she would never go as far as someone who knew enough to look forward to their letter. They never told her she'd be insulted and demeaned if she went.
She feels cheated.
X
She was confused the first time someone called her a Mudblood. She hexed the last person to call her a Mudblood. Every time in between, a piece of her died.
XI
Her first crush wasn't James, wasn't Severus, wasn't even a wizard. Her first crush was the Muggle boy down the street. Petunia approved.
Petunia never approved later.
XII
James never understands when Sirius is confused about Regulus. Lily tries not to listen. It hits too close to home.
XIII
When she first saw the Marauders, she thought Remus would make a good confidant, Peter could be the younger brother she'd never had, James could be a good friend, and Sirius would be everything she'd ever wanted in a boyfriend.
Halfway through Hogwarts, she still thinks this.
Graduating, she knows Remus is a good friend and a better confidant. She knows Peter makes a good younger brother, even though she would never tell him this. She knows James will make a good husband. She has no idea what Sirius would make.
XIV
On good days, she wonders about life after the war. On bad days, she wonders about life after death.
On her worst days, she only hopes the Muggle belief about heaven is true.
XV
Sometimes she wonders if James had to pick between her and Sirius, which he would choose. She doesn't say it out loud, but she knows. In the thoughts she's ashamed to have and would never admit to anyone, she hopes he would never forgive himself.
XVI
James would die for Lily.
James would kill for Sirius.
She doesn't know if she should be jealous.
XVII
She has never lied to James. From the time she said she would rather go out with the giant squid to the 'I do' she said at the altar, she has never lied.
She told him once, though, that she would die by his side with no regrets. She hates the man – thing – coming up the stairs for making her lie. She is neither by his side nor dying with no regrets.
XVIII
Everyone tells Lily she's a loving person. She knows it's true. She loves James, Harry, her sister, Dumbledore, her friends, James' friends, her teachers.
At the moment Voldemort enters the nursery door, she is painfully aware she hates two people more than anything.
She makes herself love Harry (and James' memory) more than she hates. At that moment, she almost hates herself because she knows it shouldn't be this hard.
XIX
As she dies, her life doesn't flash before her eyes. She doesn't relive her best or worst times. She doesn't think about the future her baby (lying behind her, crying; she gave him life, she's giving him life) will have.
All she sees is the green light rushing towards her, and at this moment, she knows, knows with the certainty of the dead, that heaven doesn't exist for her. She doesn't have enough time to mourn.
XX
They all said she died as a Gryffindor. Brave and protecting the innocent until the end.
They made her into a martyr, the perfect witch, the sacrificing mother.
They never knew she almost, wished she hadn't become a witch.
They never knew their perfect mother, idol, Gryffindor, saviour, wasn't.
They will never know.
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A/N: I know, I should be working on Freedom. However, the plot bunnies struck and wouldn't let me go. /coughs/ Freedom will get updated. Eventually. I promise.
Review? You know you want to . . .