Chapter I. - Denial

Hello everyone! I'm here with my first KageHina fic. Eh, it's also my first time writing in english, so I hope there aren't many mistakes (though I had a beta so I will trust her!). Anyway, I just love putting my favorite characters and ships into angsty situations, so... enjoy. C:

I was standing in front of his room once again. It wasn't like I'd never been there before – actually, I spent there more time than I could ever imagine in the past year. But this time, it was different. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't bring myself to face him.

Sure, I've seen him already. I talked to him. I visited him, while he was still in hospital – the senpais made me do it. But it didn't change anything, because I still felt horrible.

Because it was my fault.

I hesitated before knocking on the door.

"Come in!" Hinata shouted. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

"Hi Hinata," I said when I walked in.

"Oh, Kageyama! Hi!" He looked at me and smiled.

I couldn't help myself and even though I didn't want to, my eyes traced his figure, sitting in front of his computer… sitting in a wheelchair. I gulped.

"How was it at school?" he asked nonchalantly while I walked across the room and sat on the bed near to him.

"Nothing important."

"Isn't it just that you personally don't find it important?"

"Then go ask someone else," I growled. "Such as Nishinoya-san. You two are pretty similar when it comes to this."

Hinata laughed. "Yeah. I guess we are." Then we went silent for a moment

"They miss you," I whispered and pierced the silence with my words. "The senpais."We all do."When are you coming back?"

"On Monday," he said. "I'm glad. I'm already tired of this."

I nodded. "Right. It will be nice. Once you're back."

But it will never be the same again, because you can't play anymore. You can't play because of me.

"Yeah."

It hurt so much. Seeing Hinata like this. He had his usual smile on his face, but he was a terrible liar and you could tell in an instant that it was fake.

But why is he even doing this? Even though he's with the source of this all. So why does he still act so nice?

"Hey, Kageyama, are you alright?"

I shook my head to get rid of these stupid thoughts. "Yeah. Sorry."

"Are you sure? You don't look like it." Hinata turned off the computer screen and faced me directly. I overcame the need to look away.

"Shouldn't it be you to be worrying about?"

Hinata blinked in surprise. "Huh? Why?"

"Because… you know…" You're not able to play anymore… "Once you're back, you won't… participate in activities…" It was hard to say it out loud. So hard.

"Ah, this?"Hinata smiled but the smile was everything but cheerful. "Don't worry about it. I'll be fine. I am fine."

"Are you sure?" I whispered, and unwillingly looked at the wheelchair again.

"Of course!" He smiled with everything he's got, but his eyes were dead.

"You are a terrible liar, Hinata."

His smile became bitter and he turned his face down, probably to look at his now useless legs.

"You know, it doesn't bother me that much. I was never meant to play volleyball. When I met you, I thought that I found a way, but… well, I was mistaken."

He was still facing the floor, so I couldn't see his expression, but this was enough to hear.

"I'm sorry," I said softly.

"Why are you?" Hinata looked at me, surprised.

"If… if it wasn't for me…" If you didn't decide to help me…If you never met me in the first place…"This might have never happen."

I couldn't look him into the eyes.

"What are you-"

"It's my fault," I said.

"Kageyama, it's not. Stop blaming yourself."

"I won't."

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and faced Hinata. I turned my eyes away. I couldn't stand it.

"It's alright. You have nothing to do with it. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine."

He still kept his palm on my shoulder. I frowned at him. "Don't just give me this. It was because of me. Doesn't it bother you even a little bit? Don't you… don't you ever regret it?"

He shrugged. "I told you already. I just wasn't meant to play volleyball."

"Hinata-"

"And," he continued, "no, I don't regret it."

I frowned even more and shook his hand off.

"You really are a terrible liar, Hinata."

He smiled, pain clearly visible in his eyes. I knew too well how he loved volleyball. So, why was he acting like this?

Didn't you want to become an ace?

And I was the one who took that away from you.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

But I didn't say anything.

"It's not like I can do anything about it, you know," he broke the silence after a while. "I don't have any other choice than to accept it. But," he raised his voice the moment he saw me opening my mouth to talk back, "I don't regret it, and I don't blame you. So please… do the same."

He stretched his arm towards me, but changed his mind and stopped immediately.

"No matter how you look at it, it's my fault," I said finally. Hinata just sighed. I continued."I actually don't understand why do you still allow me to talk to you."

I looked up and watched his face. I've seen him being serious a few times… but this was different. He seemed brave, he tried to seem brave. His expression now, it wasn't that one which he wore when he said "We haven't lost yet" in a match. That was complete and definite resolution. This… this was just a face of a person who definitely gave up on everything.

"Kageyama-"

"I have to go," I said quickly and dashed to the door. I never meant to say all these things. Damnit.

"A-alright…" Hinata stuttered in surprise.

I knew that I shouldn't talk anymore, I told myself to shut up, but still, I didn't. Right before I left the room, I turned back and faced Hinata once again, looking directly into his eyes.

"Just… you don't have to act so tough all the time, you know." I bit my lip. "See you next week, then."

And I ran away.

...

"Come on, Hinata. We're late!" I yelled at him. "It's your fault after all. What took you so long anyway?"

"I just couldn't decide!" he cried. "I'm sorry!"

"Just hurry up!" I yelled again as I stepped on the road.

But I didn't look around.

"Kageyama!" It was Hinata.

From my left, there was a car heading my direction.

You know, I always wondered, when this kind of stuff happened in movies or books, if it was really like this – I mean, why all these people just don't run away? Is it that hard to jump aside, to dodge…?

But at that moment, I realized that yes, it is. I've seen the car coming, and I wanted to move, but I just couldn't. But it only lasted a few seconds, because someone came from behind and pushed me out of the road.

It was Hinata.

I hit the ground with a thud and squeaking of brakes was followed by a crash.

It took me a while to come back to my senses. My head hurt really badly, but I didn't care.

Did Hinata really…

I turned to the road. Hinata was lying on the ground, facing the asphalt… and there was blood. Oh my god, there was so much blood.

"Hi… Hinata…" I whispered before finally realizing what happened. "Hinata!" I cried and rushed towards him.

I don't remember what happened after that. I think I passed out at some point. I remember the hospital; the gross smell of disinfection, white walls… and Hinata. He was unconscious with an oxygen mask on his face… but he didn't look like he was in pain. Actually, he looked… like he was at peace.

It… it scared me. It seemed like he has already died. It was horrible.

First thing I remember properly is when his parents arrived.

I wasn't paying attention to other people, I was in too big shock to do so. Even though there were people treating my wounds, banal if compared to Hinata's. Someone was even trying to comfort me. I wasn't listening. I didn't care. But when they arrived, I finally came back to my senses.

"Ah, Kageyama-kun…" Hinata's mother looked at me and forced a smile on her face, red and wet from tears. "You… you were with him?"

I just nodded. They were both wearing such painful expressions… it made me want to throw up.

Then, the doctor came. When he noticed that I was there as well, he scowled in my direction. Oh, right. I wasn't welcome here.

But before I could stand up to leave, Hinata's mom spoke. "No, he's his best friend. He can stay."

The doctor didn't stop scowling, but nodded and let me be.

And at that moment I heard the results, I heard the truth.

Hinata's spinal cord was permanently damaged. And he probably won't be able to walk anymore.

Just as I thought I recovered from the shock, my head started spinning again.

"Kageyama-kun, are you alright?"

I nodded, but I felt horrible.

Hinata… he won't be able to walk ever again. He won't be able to play ever again.

And it's all because of me… it's my fault.

That night, I was lying in my bed, face buried in the pillow. I felt how it was slowly getting wet. I couldn't remember the last time I cried. Maybe this was the first one.

"I'm sorry, Hinata… I'm so sorry."

I kept whispering that over and over the whole night.

...

I was waiting at the bus stop, music in my earphones so loud I could barely hear the traffic in front of me.

So I did it. I ran away, again.

But what should I do? What is the right thing to do?

How… how can he not regret it?

I did. I regretted it. I regretted every damn second of that afternoon.

He has to hate me. He has to hate me so much.

What have I done?

He was my friend. It hurt to see him like this. In such a hopeless situation.

I didn't want him to be like this. I wanted him to play volleyball.

I wanted him to play volleyball with me.

The bus arrived and I got on.

After all, I still can just run away.

Aaaaah if you're reading this than you made it through the whole story and I have to say THANK YOU! I would like to make three chapters for this, the second one is already being written, so I hope I will see you next time, with Hinata's POV! C: