No one ever really hears Karen's story, do they? But everyone has a story…..
When I first met Pam, I thought she was nice. I watched her shake her head at Michael Scott's jokes and comments. She was friendly and warm and welcoming to me. I thought we could be friends. I was far from the truth.
People assume you get over the childish boy problems you had in junior high when you're an adult. Guys are just guys, right? No adult women fight over them. But….life can be weird? Like I said, Pam was a potential friend, at first. But when I saw her look at Jim…when he came in to the office…well, you'd be blind not to see it. The look in her eyes. Her smile. She was in love. It was clear as day. Maybe I knew deep down that he loved her too. But like they say, love is blind. I pushed that little flaw aside for the moment. Right then all I wanted to do was show Pam Beesly that Jim Halpert was mine. Karen Filippelli.
I was just a replacement. Something to keep Pam's seat warm while she finally figured out that she wanted Jim. And when she came, I'd just be knocked off the chair. But I was foolish. I thought Jim was the one for me. That he loved me….or that he would at least grow to love me. We were together for longer then you'd think. The time I spent with him were my happiest times. It'd break my heart a little every time I saw Jim look at Pam in that way.
Beach Day. Yeah. People were always looking at me after Beach Day. Smiling sympathetically, lowering their voices when I walked past. Stop talking completely when I walked in if they were talking about Pam's big speech. Geez, I wasn't the one who mad a stupid speech! It's not as though I wasn't there, I heard what she said. I saw him talking to her afterwards. It's not a secret. I'd rather they just talk about it normally. When Pam apologized to me afterwards? Did it make me feel better? No. How was it supposed to? She was still in love with Jim. She still meant the things she'd said. She didn't care how I felt. If anything….it just made me madder.
I was prepared to move for Jim Halpert. When we had our interviews in New York I was ready. Ready to pick up my life and turn it around and adjust to living in New York. For him. For me. For us. I was even excited. Adventure. New beginnings. I could imagine myself waking up beside Jim's grin every morning and just outside the window, the city. I imagined his hand warming mine all the time and walking into Corporate together, never letting go. I can't tell you how much it hurt when he dodged my question of what he'd do if I got the job. I can't tell you how much it all hurt.
The day I was ready to move and change my whole life for him, he broke up with me. And that very night he asked her out. To everyone else, it was sweet. To me….how do you think I felt? I cannot tell you how I felt. Shame, anger, sadness, lost, confused, upset, depressed. It was worse. I literally hated myself for being me. I wanted to be anyone but me. I wanted to be Pam so badly. Maybe I wasn't so bloody mad at her. Maybe I was just envious.
Sometimes I feel like the 'Roy' of Jim's love life. It's unfair though. I felt bad for Pam when she was with Roy, totally. He didn't treat her right. But Jim was with me. I wasn't neglecting him, forgetting him. I loved him. I loved everything he did, everything he said. A day wasn't complete without hearing his laugh or seeing him give that famous smile. I'm nothing like Roy. I was just a girl hoping, waiting for a boy to love me the way I loved him. My love for Jim hurt. But, oh, such a precious hurt.
I cried for weeks over Jim Halpert. Sometimes I'll see the city lights outside my window and think of how I could have been holding Jim's hand right now, loving life, with a dry face. I think that the tears that have traced my face so many times are still there. Invisible scars. But no one remembers the ex. They only see him and the girl he ends up with. The couple – happy, loving, living life to the fullest. They forgot his past. But I never did. I never will. I could have been happy. I could have. If I was with Jim Halpert. If I had auburn curls and a cute smile and a sweet giggle. I could have been happy. If I was Pam Beesly.
Please review and let me know what you thought. I wasn't sure how well I would do from Karen's point of view, so let me know, if you can. I always felt kind of bad for Karen! Thanks for reading! You guys rock.