Disclaimer: I don't own KOF. Or Stephen Lynch's song, "If I Could Be a Superhero".
Pairings: It's a surprise, but there aren't any, really. Just a lot of hinting. Oh, and fear the shameless drug use by two of the members of the Hero Team. xD I love doing that.
Okay, okay, we can start now.
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If The KOFers Could Be Superheroes
Another crack-fic by Strike To Incinerate.
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One fine day, Eiji Kisaragi decided to do something he should've done a long time ago. He decided to assassinate Iori Yagami.
But before that, he stopped by Kasumi Todoh's house to tell her his grand scheme, hoping to impress the young Todoh heiress, as she was pretty, smart, single, and best of all, he was on good terms with her father. Logically speaking, they would be a good match.
However, when Eiji arrived at the Todoh estate, Kasumi's mother answered the door, and told him that it was not a good time.
"Why not?" the Kisaragi assassin asked.
"Ah..." Shizuka began, but he heard something that piqued his interest coming from inside.
It was Kasumi's voice, saying, "It's alright, Iori..."
Eiji moved so fast to the source of the sound that Shizuka didn't even have time to sigh and shut the door.
Kasumi blinked as the shoji screen door was nearly ripped open, and Eiji stood huffing in the doorway. He pointed at Iori, as if, by some grand cosmic plan to ruin his life again, Iori had known that he liked Kasumi.
"Y-you!"
Kasumi smiled at him, her hands folded calmly in her lap. "Kisaragi-san... You should've called me if you were coming over today!" she told him.
"I meant for it to be a surprise," the ninja grumbled.
Iori smirked and muffled a chuckle.
"Well, since you're here, you can help me cheer Iori-san up!" she said brightly.
Eiji balked, wondering how Kasumi could be completely unknowing of the fact that Iori had tried to kill him... then again, it hadn't been one of the finer points of the lives of either man.
"Kasumi, I don't think that's a good idea..." Iori began.
Kasumi patted his hand, and Eiji saw his chance to look infinitely better in Kasumi's eyes than that damned Yagami heir.
"Alright, Kasumi-dono..." he said, walking over and taking a seat beside her. He grinned, his eyes glinting with maliciousness as he looked at the redhead. "I'd be happy to help."
Iori rolled his eyes, knowing that this was not going to turn out well, and nor would Kasumi refuse Kisaragi.
"Okay! I have an idea," she said. "If you all could be superheroes, who would you be?" she asked them, still smiling.
"As if that isn't the most immature thing I've ever heard from your mouth, Todoh..." Iori groaned.
Kasumi's smiled faded a bit, and she looked to Eiji. "What about you, Kisaragi-san?" she asked him hopefully.
Eiji cracked his neck. Iori Yagami better start preparing to look like an asshole and lose Kasumi's adoration... because he was totally going to.
"If I could be a superhero, I would be Assassin Man," he started. "I'd enter the King of Fighters tournament, and eliminate every Sakazaki I can..."
Kasumi seemed to like that idea, because she stopped patting Iori's hand, straightened up, and seemed attentive.
Iori frowned, his eyes narrowed beneath his hair.
"And if I saw Orochi warriors trying to summon their deity, I'd assassinate them with my skills of the Kisaragi," he continued. "I'd Yami Kari them into oblivion, because then I'd be Assassin Man."
Kasumi clapped her hands together. "That's so cool, Kisaragi-san!" she said. "You even rhymed!" she added, then looked over at Iori. "Well, Yagami-san?"
Iori's frown turned into a mencaing grin. (I'm going to enjoy crushing you again, Kisaragi...) "If I could be a superhero, I would be Kill-Kyo boy. Maiden Mashing Kusanagi for all of my plans he's tried to destroy."
Kasumi grimaced, but let him continue, since it did appear to be cheering him up.
"And that Kusanagi, what an arrogant brat, would his flames stand a chance against an aluminum bat?" Iori took a moment to cackle insanely, and Kasumi began to pat his hand again.
Eiji fought back a feeling of disappointment, and tried to scoot closer to Kasumi.
"As his blood spilled onto the ground, I would cry with joy, because then I would be Kill-Kyo boy," he finished.
"Feel better, Iori?" Kasumi asked him, smiling.
Iori nodded. "Actually, I do. Perhaps you'd like to go for a cup of coffee, Kasumi?" he offered her.
"As long as Kisaragi-san doesn't mind," she replied.
Eiji Kisaragi sure didn't feel better.
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"Hey, Shen Woo, what's up?" Duo Lon asked as they sat on a bench in a park, a common setting for a certain author's wacky fanfictions.
The drug dealer turned and passed a fatty to the ninja. He laughed. "Just thinking," he said with a goofy smile.
Duo Lon took it, puffed, and handed it back. He exhaled with a cool smirk; they were getting high without Ash again, but that would teach him to do fanfictions without ithem/i. "'Bout what?" he pressed.
"How fuckin' cool would it be if we had superpowers, dude?" he asked, then toked.
Duo Lon had to chuckle. "Yeah, yeah, now pass it, you silly ass stoner," he replied.
Of course, no one thought anything of these two elite fighters getting stoned in a public park. It's China, who fucking cares?
"No, seriously!" he replied. "It'd be great to like... make people's clothing disappear with a snap of your fingers, or... or, like... make cannabis grow instantly..." he insisted.
"Sure..." Duo said, exhaling into Shen's face. Shen waved it off, coughing. "And what would you call yourself?" he asked, leaning back.
"Well..." the blond began. "If I could be a superhero, I would be Druggie Dude. I'd send all the Republicans back to their Hell, for illegalizing all of our doob."
Duo Lon laughed, but Shen Woo continued.
"For tracking our fine Columbian Crack, training their dogs to sniff out our smack..." Even Shen had to giggle as he spoke, "I'd hire a chef to make me the best stoner food, because I would be Druggie Dude," he finished.
Everyone was staring, but Shen Woo managed to finish off the joint through his laughter and roll another one.
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"This sucks!" May Lee groaned. "We were left out of the KOF again..." she pouted, clearly speaking of the recent 11th King of Fighters tournaments, and the Maximum Impact tournaments.
"Yeah..." Jhun Hoon agreed, cracking his knuckles. "No one takes us seriously, and it's irking me. Why is it that Kim is so well-loved? He's a douche," he complained.
May Lee brushed her blue-black hair over her shoulder. "Speak for yourself," she told him pointedly. "Everyone takes Hero May Lee seriously!"
While he knew that to be untrue, perhaps May Lee was on the right track. "Hm... well, people do tend to put a lot of faith in superheroes..." he agreed.
"Maybe you should become a superhero, Master Jhun Hoon!" she said brightly.
Jhun Hoon nodded. "If I could be a superhero, I would be Justice Guy..." he began. May Lee didn't interrupt; she had a feeling that it was a crack fic, and she was always happy to have a part in those, as most KOF fandom ignored her. "Making sure evil gets what it deserves, but not from one of Kim's tries," he added.
May Lee nodded, although she disagreed; Master Kim was the best! Duh.
"Like if two criminals robbed a bank and got sentenced to twenty years in the clink, I'd do a much better job of setting them straight. I'd rid the world of evil and have my own holiday in July, because then I would be Justice Guy," he finished.
"That's the spirit, Master Jhun!" May Lee encouraged.
Jhun brushed his long, shiny silver hair over his shoulder, nodding. "Or you could be more subtle, I didn't mean to be vague. I'd show evil what it feels like to break your leg. As long as they suffer for every crime... but not by Kim... then I would be Justice Guy..." he finished, almost sadly.
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And that ends that. Just a random thought I had today. I was like, "Oooh. Let's parody another parody! The Justice Guy is just tooooo obvious!" And so, as many of you know that I have no control when it comes to my KOF fandom, I did. And it was fun. My favorite parts, personally? Hitting Kyo with a bat and Druggie Dude. I still giggle when I'm 'editing and revising' this.
Review, please?