Lawyers, Guns, and Money.
Well, I went home with the
waitress
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with
the Russians, too
Lyrics by Warren Zevon.
Story by Zombie Boy.
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Sunlight stabbed into Larry's eyes, and he groaned in response and threw his arm over his eyes. Rolling over, he felt something jab in the kidneys and snaked a hand behind his back to pull it out from under him.
As he grabbed it and pulled, he discovered much to his chagrin, that it was his spare magazines, and they were attached to him. To his belt, specifically.
''What the hell?" he mumbled under his breath.
Cracking open his eyes, Larry sat up in bed and looked down to discover that he was still in his street clothes and not his bedclothes. Looking up, he saw that he also wasn't in his basement bedroom at B3S Chicago. Everything was fuzzy because he wasn't wearing his glasses, but from what he could tell, he was in what looked like a hotel room- a dingy one at that, if the smell was anything to go by.
Groaning, he massaged his forehead and took stock of his situation. He was in a apparently dingy hotel room, still in his street clothes, and his glasses were missing.
Hearing a snore come from his right, he looked over and saw another bed, with a fuzzy dark lump on it with a patch of brown near the head.
"Okay...." he said to himself "Correction, Jocelyn is here too." he added. "So where the hell are my glasses?"
On impulse, he slapped his hand over onto the nightstand next to his bed and felt his fingers come into contact with the wire frames of his glasses. Picking them up, he put them on and the world came back into focus.
He immediately made a face, because the hotel room looked a whole lot better with his astigmatism uncorrected. Sitting there, he let his gaze wander around the room as he tried to recall what the hell happened and how he (and Joss) ended up there.
The last thing he remembered was that he was sitting at his computer, playing World of Warcraft, and Chris yelling down if he wanted a beer. Larry, engrossed in his raid, had said yes and Maggie had brought it down to him along with a ham on rye.
''Chris, you devious son of a bitch...." growled Larry as he spotted a manila envelope lying on the dresser next to the TV. "I'm gonna have to kill you for this..." he muttered as he got up.
Shuffling over to the dresser, he noticed that there were two handguns lying next to it, a Glock 21 and a nickel finish Beretta Model 96. Picking up his gun- the Glock- he looked it over quickly before turning his attention to the envelope.
There was something lumpy inside it, so he picked it up and undid the tab on the back. Upending it, a piece of paper and a keyring with about a dozen keys on it fell out. Picking up the paper, he flipped it over and started to read it when a groan from Joss made him stop and look over at her.
"Morning, Jocelyn." he said, getting a another groan and a wave from his cousin.
''I am going to kill that crazy assed girlfriend of Andrew's." Joss muttered, rubbing her eyes.
Larry arched an eyebrow and leaned up against the dresser. "Oh?" he asked. "What did Harley do to you?"
Pushing herself up onto her elbows, Joss looked at her cousin and partner as she brushed the hair out of her eyes. "She frenched me..." she growled. 'And while I was distracted by that she stuck me with a needle. And I'm reasonably sure that as I passed out she groped me."
Larry nodded in agreement. "That's Harley for you." he said.
"How did they get you?" Joss asked as she looked around the room. "And for that matter, just where the hell are we?"
"Well, to answer your second question, I have no idea. As for your first, Chris drugged my sandwich." Larry answered.
Joss gave Larry an annoyed look. "How come you got the drugged food, but I was the one who got molested by the psychotic bisexual girlfriend?" she asked.
Larry gave his partner a deadpan look. "Because my mentor is a drunken sociopath of a genius, and your mentor is a sex -addicted psychopathic genius." he answered.
"Oh." was all that Joss could say. "What ya reading?" she asked, nodding at the piece of paper Larry was holding.
"A note." Larry said, looking down at it. "From our respected mentors, explaining why they drugged us and left us in a dingy motel room."
Joss arched an eyebrow. "And why is that, dare I ask?"
"One moment..." Larry said, finding his place "Ah, yes. It's a test, a final test, to see if we're ready ot become full fledged members of B3S."
Joss scowled and muttered something under her breath. "And what's the test?" she asked, wondering what kind of shit it was going to be this time.
Larry scanned the page and he sighed. "Oh boy." he said. "Apparently, the room was registered in my name, and in our parking spot, there's a car, with a dead Mob lawyer in the trunk who was under investigation by the FBI, along with the murder weapons, $750,000 in cash, plus his briefcase." he summarized. "And the objective is to get back to B3S headquarters with out getting busted or connected in any way to this."
Larry dropped the paper as he and his cousin looked at each other. "Shit." they said to each other.
For several long seconds afterwards there was silence. Then Larry picked up the keyring and held it up so they both could see it. "This must his keys." he said with a sigh.
Joss nodded in agreement. "We should check out the car, just to be safe." she said, swinging her legs out of bed.
As her cousin studied the key ring, Identifying the keys, Joss got out of bed and stood up. The first thing she noticed immediately was the fact that there was something missing from the right side of her belt.
"Hey, Larry, where's my gun?" she asked.
"Right here." Larry answered, picking up her pistol and handing it to her butt first.
"Thanks." Joss said, taking the weapon. Ejecting the clip, she cleared it and checked its operation by dry firing it. Satisfied that it would work, she thumbed the loose round back into the clip, re-inserted it, and re chambered a round. "You find the key yet?" she asked as she holstered her weapon.
"I think so." Larry answered, holding up a black key fob with the logo of the Bravarian Motor Works on it.
A couple of moments later, they were stepping outside the room and parked right in front of the door, was a brand new 2010 BMW 7 series. Pointing the key fob at the car, Larry pressed the unlock button and the car's lights flashed twice.
They looked at each other, then walked around to the back of the car. Pulling on the base of the key fob, Larry pulled out a key and stuck it in the keyhole. With a quick twist of the wrist the trunk was unlocked and he lifted up the lid.
''Whoa." they both said when they got a look at the contents of the trunk.
"They weren't kidding." Joss said, looking at the body folded up into a fetal postion in the back of the trunk. "I wonder who iced the lawyer?" she asked, looking at the body.
"I think they both did." Larry answered "Look at the shot placement, and look at the guns." he added, indicating each in turn.
Joss leaned closer and saw what her partner was getting at, for the lawyer had been shot multiple times in two places, dead center in the forehead and center mass. The guns in question were a .22 Ruger automatic with an intergal silencer and what looked like a .380 with a threaded barrel.
"Yeah.... you're right." Joss said. "Looks like head shots with the Ruger- that's Chris's trademark right there- and center mass with the .380." she added.
'Yep." Larry said. "And those trash bags probably have the money."
"Mm-hmm." Joss said. "And the briefcase is probably full of incriminating evidence."
Larry sighed as he looked down at the corpse and various bits of incriminating evidence. "We should get going." he said as he shut the trunk lid.
''Yeah, we should." Joss said, looking over at the office of the hotel. "But we gotta do clean up first."
''Yep." Larry said "You distract the clerk, I'll erase his memory." he added, drawing his Memory Erasor from it's pouch on his belt.
Joss groaned and rolled her eyes. "How come I always get to do the distracting?" she asked as they started walking towards the office.
"Because, my dear Jocelyn, you're much better at than I." Larry replied. "Besides, I always supply the muscle and you don't hear me complain."
"That's because you like hitting people." Joss shot back as she reached up under her shirt to undo her bra.
"Hey- I'm a nerd." Larry returned fire. "I have a lot of repressed rage to deal with."
Joss rolled her eyes again as they approached the office door. "That's a lame excuse." she said. "Here, hold this -and don't lose it." she added, handing him her bra.
"I'm working on a better one." Larry said as he took the piece of lingerie.
''Good, because your current one sucks." Joss said, taking a look around before tugging her shirt off and handing it back to Larry. "You ready?" she asked, covering herself with her arms as she paused right before the door.
"Yeah." Larry said, taking her shirt and keeping the Memory erasor pressed up against his leg. "Count of five?"
"Yeah." Joss said with a nod. "Cripes, it's cold out."
"In this case, that gives you a plus to your roll." Larry said. "Go."
Taking a deep breath, Joss straightened her back and walked into the office. Larry stood by the door and started counting off to five.
"One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand..." Larry counted mentally. "Four one thousand, five one thousand."
With that, Larry stepped forwards and entered the office as calmly and quietly as he could.
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"Aw crap..."
Larry flicked his eyes from the road over to his cousin. "What?" he asked.
Joss had an annoyed look as she patted herself down. "I can't find my cigarettes..." she said.
"What do you mean you can't find them?" Larry asked. "Where did you last leave them?"
"Well..." Joss said as she continues searching through her pockets, then stopped when she remembered where they were. "FUUUUUCK!" she yelled, kicking the kickpanel for emphasis "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY -FUUUCK!" she continued, giving the floor a few more kicks while she was at it.
Larry arched his eyebrows as he spotted a used car dealership up ahead. "Well, you certainly explored the versatility of the word...." he said as the car lot got closer. "And hello..."
"What?" Joss asked, momentarily forgetting her lack of a nicotine fix. "You see somethin'?"
"Yes, I do, my dear Jocelyn..." Larry said, slowing down a bit as they passed the dealership. "Our new set of wheels."
Joss looked over at the car lot and back at her partner. "What the hell are you talkin' about Larry?" she asked. "And more importantly, you got a smoke?" she added, her moment of forgetfulness passing.
"But of course." Larry said, reaching into his shirt pocket and handing her a pack of Pall Mall 100's. "They're full flavor though."
"Right now, I don't care." Joss answered as she took the pack and shook out a cigarette. Putting it to her lips, she started to reach out but stopped when she realized that there was something missing from the dashboard of the BMW. "What the hell?" she asked. "No cigarette lighter?"
Larry chuckled ruefully as he turned into the parking lot of a carwash. "New cars don't come with them, remember?" he said, pulling out his lighter and flicking it open for Joss. "You'll also notice that there's no ashtray either."
Joss lit her cigarette and took a drag from it. "Okay, now we really got to ditch this piece of crap." she said. "Fine German engineering my ass...."
"My sentiments exactly." Larry said as he pulled in behind the carwash and parked the car. "Watch the car. I shall be back shortly with something better suited to our needs."
"Cool." Joss said. "Can I have your smokes?"
"Certainly Jocelyn." Larry said before getting out of the car.
Getting out of the car as well, Joss leaned up against the fender, smoked her cigarette and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Finally, after forty five minutes and two more cigarettes later, Larry returned behind the wheel of a navy blue Ford LTD.
"Nice car." Joss said as Larry parked it next to the BMW. "You paid eleven hundred dollars for this thing?" she asked, looking at the price written in shoe polish on the windshield.
"Actually, I paid nine hundred." Larry answered. "The salesman knocked a couple of hundred off since I was paying in cash." he added, patting his pocket as he got out the car.
"Ah." Joss said as she looked the car over. "It looks like it's been a few places." she added, nodding at the paint, which was faded and scratched with rust bubbles near the wheel wells and a dent in the passenger side rear quarter.
"Yes, but it's much less conspicuous than the Beemer, and while the body's seen better days, the drive train runs like new." Larry explained.
Joss nodded as Larry walked around to back of the Ford and opened the trunk. "So what are we going to do about this thing?" she asked, jerking a thumb at the BMW. "We just cant leave it here."
"That will prove to be easily solved Jocelyn." Larry answered before tossing her the keys to the BMW. "Open the trunk. We're gonna move the money."
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Fifteen minutes later, Larry pulled out of the car wash's parking lot with Joss following him close behind in the BMW. She followed him out of town for about twenty minutes, then Larry took a turn off which lead into a nature reserve.
Joss followed him deep into the reserve until he finally pulled up into a cul-de-sac and parked. Parking behind him Joss rolled the window down as Larry got out and walked over to the car.
"Put it in those dead bushes over there." Larry said, pointing to where he wanted her to put the car. "Get it in there as good as you can."
"Okay..." Joss said, looking at the bushes. "What your game plan Larry?"
Larry clapped his hands and gave his cousin a smile worthy of his mentor. "Well, Jocelyn, what we're going to do is torch a brand new 2010 BMW 7 Series." he said gleefully.
Joss looked down at the car and nodded. "Sweet!" she said. "I've always wanted to do something like this." she added, putting the car in gear.
"Me too..." Larry said with a laugh.
As Joss backed up the car and got it lined up, Larry walked back to the LTD and opened the trunk. Reaching inside, he took out a plastic five gallon gas can, a coil of rope, a book of matches, and a couple of rubber bands as behind him Joss gunned it and rammed the car into the bushes, hanging it up on a log.
Climbing out of the car Joss grinned ear to ear as Larry came up to her. "That was fun..." she said to him.
"Oh, we haven't even begun to have fun yet." Larry said, handing her the matches. "Hold these."
"Okay..." Joss said, taking the matches as he walked past her.
She watched as he walked over to the open drivers door and rolled down the windows using the controls on the armrest. Then, setting the gas can and the rope down, he pulled the gas cap release.
Larry then picked up the gas can and soaked down the interior, making sure to leave a nice puddle in the floor in front of the drivers seat. He then uncoiled the rope and, putting one end in the puddle of gas, then ran it to the open gas door. Taking the cap off, he shoved the rope down into the gas tank until a good chunk of it was in there.
"I'm going to need those matches now." he said, walking back to where Joss had been standing, watching him work.
Wordlessly she handed the matches back to him and he walked back to the car. Taking the gas can, he then use the rest of the gas to soak the rope from the puddle in front of the drivers seat to about where it hung down from the open gas cap.
"As soon as I light this thing off, run to the car." Larry said. "You got that, Jocelyn?"
"Yeah." she said with a nod.
"Okay then." Larry said, opening the matches and pulling one off.
He struck the match, but it got blown out by the wind. Muttering curses under his breath, he shielded the matchbook and struck another one. This time it worked, and used that match to light off the others in the book.
He held onto the matchbook for a second, letting it get going, then he tossed the flaming matchbook into the gas soaked interior of the BMW. The matchbook hit the drivers seat and the gasoline fumes instantly ignited with a FOOOMPH!
Larry and Joss instantly lit out for the car as orange flames erupted out of the BMW. Joss reached the car and leapt into the passenger seat, Larry arriving a second behind her. Starting the car, they peeled out as the flames raced along the gas soaked portion of the rope and began to climb upwards towards the open gas tank.
They were well out of sight when the gas tank went up with a loud boom, the explosion visible through the rear window of the LTD as an orange glow through the trees.
"Oh man, I wish we could have seen that." Joss said, looking through the rear window.
"Me too." Larry said as he slowed the car down to a normal pace. "But considering the circumstances, I don't think it would have been prudent."
"Yeah." Joss said reluctantly. "But it was still fun nonetheless." she added, sitting back down in her seat.
"That, I will not disagree with you on." Larry said. "How often does one get to commit arson on a brand new luxury car?"
"With Chris and Andrew?" Joss asked as she buckled her seat belt. "About once a month."
"That's stealing them, Jocelyn, not setting them on fire." Larry said as he buckled his seat belt.
"Oh yeah, that's right." Joss said as the entrance came into view. "My bad."
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"You hungry?"
Jolted from her road noise induced reverie, Joss blinked and shook her head. "What?" she asked.
"I asked, are you hungry?" Larry repeated.
Feeling her stomach rumble Joss nodded. "Yeah." she said. "I could go for a bite to eat."
Larry nodded in agreement. "I'm in the mood too, so the vote is unanimous." he said. "And if my mental map of the terrain is accurate, Jamie's Diner should be right around this corner..."
Larry's prediction was accurate, for as they rounded the bend the glowing neon sign of Jamie's Diner came into view.
"Ohh... this place." Joss said. "We stopped here when we went to that state auction where I got my truck...."
''Yeah." Larry said "I remember that." he said as they pulled into the parking lot.
Parking the car, they got out and wandered inside, where they took a seat at B3S's usual booth. A few moments later a waitress came up to them.
"Hey you two.'' the waitress said as she handed them menu's "What brings you here? The morons decide to let you kids out on your own?"
"Something like that." Joss said as she took her menu.
''What Jocelyn said." Larry added as he took his menu.
"Okay." the waitress said with a nod. "I'll let you two take a look at the menu. In the meantime, what would you two want to drink?"
"Coffee, black." Joss answered.
"Pop, Mountain Dew if you have it.'' Larry added.
"Alright." the waitress said as she jotted down their drink orders on her notepad. "Coffee and a Mountain Dew -I'll be back with your drinks in a jiffy."
''Thank you." Larry said as the waitress walked off.
Digging out his cigarettes as he studied his menu, Larry shook one out. "You got any ideas about what we should do about those checkpoints?" he asked.
Studying her own menu Joss shook her head. "Not at the moment." she said "But that chicken fried steak with sausage gravy looks pretty good..."
Larry nodded. "So does the double bacon cheeseburger...." he said, flipping his menu closed. ''I've made up my mind, how about you?"
"Yeah." Joss said as she flipped her menu closed. "Anyways..." she added, pausing as she took out her cigarettes and lighting one up. "What are we going to do about those drug checkpoint's?"
Larry shrugged as he took a drag on his cigarette. "Go around them." he said. "Obviously, doing so would entail a significant detour."
"As Kim would say, 'duh." Joss said with a nod. "We're gonna need a shortcut."
"That is true, Jocelyn." Larry said as their waitress came up with their drinks. "We're ready to order now."
"Alright." the waitress said, setting their drinks down on the table. "What'll you two be having?" she asked, taking her notepad out.
"I'll be having the double bacon cheeseburger with extra fries and she'll be having the chicken fried steak." Larry said, nodding in Joss's direction.
"You want a baked potato or fries with that?" she asked Joss.
"Baked potato." Joss answered.
"Okay." the waitress said as she jotted down their orders. "By the way," she added, looking at Larry "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation- you're looking for a shortcut 'round those check points?"
Larry nodded. "Yes, we are." he said. "I take it you know a shortcut?"
''I sure do." the waitress said. "I can draw you up a map if you want..."
Larry's face brightened. "Please do." he said. "I would much appreciate it."
"I'm sure you will.'' the waitress said with a smile and a wink. "And call me Pam."
"I'm Lawrence- you can call me Larry." Larry said, holding out his hand.
"Nice to meet you." Pam the waitress said as she shook hands.
"Likewise." Larry said.
"Your food will be out in a bit." Pam said before she walked away .
Larry watched as Pam walked away, then turned back to see Joss giving him a look. "Yes?" he asked.
"Flirting?" she asked. "You?"
"What?" Larry asked. "You're the only one allowed to have a sex drive?"
"No...." Joss said. "It's just surprising, that's all."
"I'm a twenty two year old male, Jocelyn." Larry said, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette. '' I rather like getting laid- you might want to try it yourself, unless you want to end up like our dear cousin Kim."
Joss gave her cousin an indignant look. "I am nothing like her." she said "For one thing, I have tits. Second, I don't have a stick up my ass."
"That is true Jocelyn." Larry said. "That is true."
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"Dammit Larry, this isn't funny!" Joss snapped at her cousin, who was laughing so hard he was having trouble keeping the car on the road.
"N-not from my p-p-perspective Jocelyn...." Larry managed to choke out. "O-or should I-I say K-Kim!"
"GAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Joss yelled as she started punching Larry.
"Ow!" Larry yelped as he tried to keep the car out of the ditch and fend off his cousin's assault at the same time "It was -ow! -a joke- OW! Dammit, stop hitting me before we get the attention of the cops!"
That made Joss stop assaulting her cousin and she flopped back into her seat with a 'hmph!'
"How the hell was I supposed to know that Toni was a girl?" Joss asked as she glared at the countryside rolling by. "My feminine intuition isn't that good."
Larry nodded as he checked the rearview mirror. "True, the name is traditionally the male nickname for Anthony." he said, narrowing his eyes as he noticed they'd had the same Prius following them for the past quarter of an hour.
Joss heard Larry's change in tone and she instantly straightened up in her seat. "Trouble?" she asked.
"Perhaps." Larry answered as he checked the speedo. "There's a Prius behind us, and it's been following us for the past forty five minutes."
Joss leaned over and looked at the speedometer. "Okay, we're doing fifty five." she said. "They ain't that gutless..."
"Quite true." Larry agreed. "I think a little test is in order...." he said, easing off the gas a hair.
Joss watched as the needle on the speedometer began to creep backwards to fifty, finally coming to a stop just beneath fifty. "Well?" she asked after a couple of minutes.
"He's a tail." Larry answered. "He matched our change in speed."
Joss rolled her eyes as she drew her Beretta. "Amateur." she said. "So whats the plan?"
"Well, Chris has always said you can never beat a Ford for good brakes." Larry said as he took a hand from the wheel and checked his seatbelt. "I propose that now would be an excellent time to test that theory, don't you Jocelyn?"
"Yep." Joss answered as she buckled her seatbelt. 'How you gonna do this?"
"Well..." Larry said as he very slowly began to put his foot into it "Since our tail is about a quarter of a mile behind us, this."
Joss was thrown forwards against her seatbelt as Larry stomped on the brakes. They fishtailed for a moment, then Larry corrected and cranked the wheel to the left, sending them sideways as they slid to halt, neatly blocking both lanes as they did so.
A quarter of a mile behind them the Prius that had been following them stomped on the brakes and slid to a stop about an eighth of a mile away from Joss and Larry.
"C'mon, we've made you, what ya gonna do?" Joss said under her breath as she and Larry watched the car.
She got her answer a moment later as the driver of the Prius stomped on the gas and brodied the hybrid around in the opposite direction.
"Oh no you don't." Larry said as he punched the gas.
With a squeal of tires Larry whipped the LTD around and gave chase, the five liter V-8 roaring as he let it unwind.
"Take out his tires!" Larry yelled as they closed with the Toyota.
Furiously Joss cranked down her window as Larry swung into the oncoming lane to give her a shot. The Prius waved from side to side slightly and as it swung towards the shoulder and for a moment Joss thought that the driver was trying to evade them, then as ti swung towards the shoulder she saw that he was furiously trying to dial a cell phone and drive at the same time.
Instinctivly, she raised her pistol up and time seemed to slow as she drew a bead on the driver. The white dot of the foresight settled right between the two dots on the back sight as her right index finger took up the slack on the trigger.
A heartbeat later the trigger broke and a 140 grain JHP was sent flying through the drivers side window of the the Prius and smack dab into the center of the cellphone, instantly cutting off his communications. She then shifted her aim as the Prius began to swing onto the shoulder and neatly put four rounds into the front tire.
This caused him to lose all control and go skidding off into the ditch in a cloud of dust and tire smoke before plowing into a fencepost.
"Excellent shooting Jocelyn." Larry said as they skidded to a stop past the Prius.
'Thanks." Joss said as he whipped the car around and headed back to where the Prius had left the road.
Joss had already released her seatbelt and was out of the car almost before it was stopped, her pistol trained on the drivers window. Keeping a bead on the driver slumped over the steering wheel, she waited as Larry exited the car and drew his weapon.
"Lets go." he said.
With a nod, Joss began to walk towards the wrecked Toyota. Taking up positions on either side of the drivers door when they reached it, Joss holstered her gun as Larry covered the driver and she took out her extendable baton.
It only took a couple of swipes from the baton for Joss to clear the remains of the window glass from the door. Putting her baton away, shew drew her pistol and kept it trained on the driver as she reached inside and yanked open the car door.
They both back up a step as the driver groaned and raised both arms to shield himself. Seeing that he was unarmed, Joss looked at Larry and got a confirming nod from him. Reholstering her pistol, she stepped forward as she drew the skinning knife that she kept as a hold out weapon and cut the drivers seat belt with two quick swipes.
"Get your ass out of that car." Joss snarled as she bodily hauled the driver out of the car and threw him to the ground at Larry's feet.
"Don't shoot!" the driver cried, who at this point was starting to recover from the crash.
"Keep quiet and I won't." Larry said, drawing a bead on the man's forehead. "Now roll over onto your front and lace your fingers behind your head."
The man looked up at Larry, saw that he was serious, and meekly complied. Stepping forwards, Joss gave him a quick pat down for weapons.
"He's clean." she said, taking his wallet before stepping back.
"Hey!" the man said trying to turn his head to look at Joss. "Give that back!"
"Quiet." Larry said, pushing the man down with his foot. "Say one one more thing and I will shoot you." he added, making the man's eyes grow to the size of dinner plates.
Joss snickered as she rifled the mans wallet. "Let see here...." she said, noting the contents out loud "Seventy three dollars in cash,a picture of him with his wife and kids, a condom- shame on you!- an Illinoise drivers license for a Mr Marcus L Williams, assorted credit cards, and- hello, an employee identification card for the Chicago Tribune."
''Really." Larry said before kicking the man over onto his back. "Tell me Mr Williams, why were you following us?" he asked.
His identity and profession exposed, Mr Williams became defiant. "So I can expose your criminal behavior and shut you and your psycho bosses down." he said with jutted chin. 'It's high time someone stood up to you thugs and exercised their First Amendment rights."
Larry simply arched an eyebrow as he stared down the sights at Williams. "Well, that was quite elegant, in a 'Mr Smith goes to Washington' kind of way." he said. "But there are three very large holes in your argument I'd like to point out: One, the correct term for us is 'sociopath', not psychopath. One would think that being a journalist would entail at least a moderate grasp of the English language, but journalism is only a two year degree, so one really can't expect all that much out of you.
Second, from what I can see, you, and your fellows at the Tribune tend to just take a few facts and make up the rest out of whole cloth to fit whatever narrative you're trying to push rather than actually report things.
And third, we routinely deal with hardened violent criminals and the like, so do honestly think that we'd consider a large group of the chattering class who's circulation has been going steadily down hill a threat?"
"You should." Williams shot back. "So what are you going to do, tough guy?"
Larry thought for a second, then a smile came to his lips. "Start stripping." he said.
Williams gave him a 'what the hell are you on' look. "What's next, a banjo-GAAH!" he started to say, but was cut off by Larry pumping a round into the dirt next to his head.
"Either strip down, or I'm going to shoot you in both legs and cut the clothes off you." Larry stated. "I suggest you choose wisely."
Williams stared at him in wide eyed terror for a few moments, then started to worm out of his clothes.
"Jocelyn..." Larry said, keeping an eye on Williams as he removed his clothes.
"Yeah Larry?" she asked, putting Williams ID back in his wallet having pocketed the cash and credit cards.
"You remember that thing we did this morning?" he asked. "That thing we couldn't stick around and see?"
"Yeah..." Joss said with a nod.
"There's some road flares in the trunk.'' Larry said. "Would you go get them please?"
"Sure." Joss said.
Five minutes later Joss was back with three road flares and Mr Williams was back on his feet, naked as the day he was born.
"What're you smirking at?" he snapped at Joss.
"Oh, nothing..." she said "Much."
Williams growled in irritation while Larry laughed at him. "That certainly explains the over compensation." he said. "Anyways, Jocelyn, now that you have retrieved the flares, toss Mr Williams clothes in the backseat and I think you know the rest."
"Yep." Joss said, scooping up Williams clothes and walking over to his car.
Depositing them into the backseat along with his wallet, she lit all three flares one by one and tossed them into the back.
"Thank you ." Larry said as they both began to back away from the flaming car. "We must be going Mr
Williams. Give our regards to your colleagues, and I'd also suggest getting to a minimum safe distance before those road flares burn their way to the battery pack."
"What the hell are you talking-" Williams asked as he looked at his now flaming Prius. "Oh shit!"he said as it occurred to him what Larry was talking about.
Larry stomped on the gas and whipped the car around as Williams ran for cover, all vestiges of decency forgotten. Flooring it, they rocketed away, managing to put a mile and a half between them and the burning hybrid before the burning magnesium lit off the battery pack.
"Well, he's in for an interesting time when the authorities arrive." Larry commented as a pillar of smoke rose into the sky.
"Huh?" Joss asked.
"He's naked, with no identification, and with a burning car." Larry explained. "What do you think law enforcement is going to do with him?" he added as Joss burst out laughing.
"Good point Larry...." Joss said.
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Larry sighed as he eased up to a stoplight. At long last, they were almost home, much to Larry and Joss's delight. Taking a drag on his cigarette, Larry drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and stared at the light, willing it to change.
Flicking his ash out his window, Larry caught a flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye and saw a man running up to the car with a Saturday Night Special leveled 'gangsta style' at him.
"Oh no you don't." Larry snapped, drawing his own pistol and putting a round into the mans head at three paces away.
In the passenger seat, Joss was jolted awake by the gunshots and scrabbled for her weapon as Larry punched it. "What the hell is going on?" she asked as she searched franticlly for threats.
"We were victim of an attempted carjacking." Larry answered calmly as he holstered his Glock. "I successfully foiled it."
"Oh, is that all." Joss said, putting her own weapon away. "I thought it was something important." she said, slouching back down into her seat. "Wake me up when we get back."
"Will do." Larry said, clipping a hooker as he rounded a corner.
Fifteen minutes later they were pulling up in front of the Yard, the large fenced in area next to B3S headquarters that was used as a combination parking lot/salvage yard/maintenance depot.
"We're here." Larry said, giving Joss a shake.
"Gah!" Joss jumped as she was jolted out of her doze. "Oh, we're home.'' she said, rubbing her eyes as she realized where she was. "You want me to get the gate?"
"I'll get the gate." Larry said, opening his door. "Could you please pull the car in?"
"Sure.'' Joss said, straightening up in her seat as Larry got out of the car.
Sliding over to the drivers seat, she put her foot on the brake and put it drive as Larry walked up to the gate. Putting his key in the lock, he unlocked it and pushed it aside. When it was clear she pulled in and parked in an open spot next to the white GMC that was her truck.
Putting it in park, she killed the lights and the engine before getting out.
"Would you unlock the trunk for me please?" Larry called out as he pushed the gate closed.
"Sure." Joss said, staring at the two keys in her hand. 'Which one unlocks the trunk?'' she asked.
"The round one is the one you want." Larry answered as he locked the gate.
'Thanks" Joss answered as she inserted the correct key into the lock and opening the trunk. "So how are we gonna move the money?"
"That is a very good question, Jocelyn." Larry said, walking up to the car. "For upon closer inspection, seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars in cash is quite a lot of money, not to mention quite bulky."
''Yeah." Joss said with a nod of her head. "And it's in trash bags to boot- so if we try to move it, they'll tear."
''Yesss...." Larry said, scratching his head. "Perhaps an ammunition carrier?" he suggested.
"That'd work." Joss said. ''I'll go get it."
''Excellent.' Larry said as Joss walked off.
A few minutes later Joss had returned with the ammo carrier and they had loaded the cash into it and were pulling it up to the door. As they got close Joss saw the lights come on inside the building on the ground floor.
"Hey, someone's home." she said. "The lights just came on."
"It's probably just Miss Davids." Larry grunted as he muscled the carrier up the ramp. "Seeing as how the van is missing and the sun has gone down."
"Oh yeah, Maggie. I forgot about her." Joss said as the back door opened, revealing B3S's vampiric maid in her traditional black uniform. "Speaking of which, hi Maggie!"
"Hello Miss Possible, Hello Mr McKinnick." Maggie said in her classic Cockney accent, bowing to each one in turn. ''Do you require assistance?"
"We are fine, Miss Davids." Larry said as he and Joss heave the carrier the last foot onto the dock. ''But could you hold the door please?"
"Certainly Mr McKinnick." Maggie said, stepping back to hold the door for them. "I trust your trip went well sir?" she asked.
"Like clockwork." Larry answered as they pushed the carrier inside. "Where are Chris and Andrew?"
"And please tell me that Andrews crazy girlfriend is with them." Joss added as she steered her end on the carrier.
"Master Stivers and Master Bauman are off tormenting Mister Wesker, and Mistress Quinn has locked herself in her room because she's afraid that Master Stivers has been up to something.'' Maggie said, answering Joss and Larry's questions.
"Oh the usual then." Larry said as he looked behind him to check his course. "Could you get the other door please?" he asked, nodding at the door on the other side of the garage that lead to the living quarters.
''Yes Mr McKinnick." Maggie said as she hurried over to the door, pausing to dust a bench vise on the way.
A few minutes later, they had the carrier in the living room and they both collapsed onto the couch.
"Finally..." Joss said, staring at the trash bags of cash heaped on the ammo carrier. "We're done."
''Not quite, Jocelyn." Larry pointed out as he propped his feet up on the coffee table. "We've still got to launder the money."
"We can call Avi and let him take care of it." Joss answered. "It's what Chris and Andrew pay him for."
Larry nodded as he dug his cigarettes out of his shirt pocket. "By now he should be calmed down from Miss Quinn's latest shopping spree." he said, causing Joss to swear. "Something wrong?" he asked, shaking one out of the pack.
"Harley." Joss said. "I forgot about her. We gotta keep her out of the money till we can get it taken care of."
There was a pause as Larry took a drag on his cigarette. "You raise an excellent point as usual, Jocelyn." he said, exhaling a blue cloud of cigarette smoke. "How do we keep her out of the money?"
Joss shrugged as she pulled one foot up on her knee and began to work her cowboy boots off. "I'd suggest tyin' her up, but she gets off on that." she said. "And we can't nail the door shut, Andrew would kill us."
"That is true." Larry said. "What we need is a distraction..... too bad Steve is with Cousin Kim."
"Yeah..." Joss said, pulling her other boot off and letting it drop onto the floor. "A distraction..." she muttered to herself, glancing up at the calender hanging on the wall and noticing that it was Larry's turn to feed Maggie. "That's it." she said. "Maggie."
"Pardon?" Larry asked, jolted out of his train of thought. "What about Miss Davids?"
"It's your turn to feed her." Joss said, pointing at the calender. "We could park the leftovers in front of her door."
"That might work..." Larry said as the front door unlocked and four timber wolves came running in, followed by a tall shapely blond. "Oh, hello Miss Wolf."
"Larry." the blond said in her Russian accent. "And Joss." she added, nodding at his cousin. "You're back early."
"We returned about twenty minutes ago." Larry answered. "I take it you were taking the wolves for a walk."
"Da." Wolf said. "And I take it you've passed the test?" she asked.
"Almost." Larry said. "We still have to launder some money." he added, pointing to the ammo carrier which had all four of the wolves around it, sniffing.
"Ahhh...." Wolf said with a nod. "I see..."
"Hey Wolf." Joss said suddenly from where she had been watching the wolves. "Can we borrow the wolves?"
Wolf arched an eyebrow as she looked at the brown haired teenager. "Why?" she asked, giving her the same look that she gave people when she was looking at them over the sights of her rifle.
Joss smiled. "So we can mess with Harley's head and protect the money." she answered sweetly.
"Oh." Wolf said. Giving Joss's proposal a moments thought, she nodded. "Da. My babies can guard it for you- but you're going to have to put it something strong. They'll get into those trash bags with ease."
"Not a problem." Joss answered. "There's a couple of Pelican cases we can use. That should be enough."
Wolf nodded. "It should." she said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to feed my wolves."
With that, she called them to her and led them into the kitchen. Joss watched them go, then started pulling her boots on.
"We'd better move it now, while she's feedin' them." Joss said. "It'd be easier."
"Undoubtedly." Larry said, stubbing out his cigarette.
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Joss's idea to put the money in the wolves pen turned out to be prudent, for when the dawn came they found a very bleary eyed Harley Quinn treed on top of the wolves kennel. After getting her down- which was accomplished by feeding the wolves, thus distracting them and allowing them to escape.
After that was taken care of, they retrieved the money and loaded the Pelican cases into the bed of the truck. Fifteen minutes later they were wheeling the cases up to a rather nondescript office door in a equally nondescript office building in the business district.
"Here goes..." Larry said before he knocked on the door.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!" a man shouted inside the office, his challenge accompanied by the racking of a shotguns bolt.
Swallowing involuntarily, Larry spoke up. "Ah, Mr Bernstein, it's Larry McKinnick and Joss Possible, we're here to see you." he said. "We called you earlier."
"Oh." Bernstein said. "Get your asses in here, and no funny business!"
Larry and Joss looked at each other, shrugged, and Larry opened the office door to reveal Avi Bernstein sitting at his desk, peering out from behind mountains of paperwork holding a cut down Ithaca 10 gauge.
'' See? Just us." Joss said as she and Larry wheeled the cases into Avi's office.
"That's far enough." Avi said. "Now open them." he added, nodding at the cases "Slowly."
Larry and Joss looked at other again, shrugged again, and proceded to open the cases. Avi watched them, and when he was satisfied that they didn't contain anything other than money, he sighed and sat the shotgun down on his desk.
"Sorry about that." he said. "The idiots have had me on edge as of late."
"Quite understandable." Larry said, Joss nodding in agreement.
"Yeah, they have that effect on people." she added.
"So, what do you want me to do with the cash?" Avi asked, lighting a cigarette before he got to his feet.
"Launder it." Larry answered.
"So that the IRS dosen't notice." Joss added.
"Oh. The usual." Avi said as he walked over to the cases. "How much we talking here?" he asked, kicking one of the cases with the toe of his wingtip.
"Seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars." Larry answered, to which Avi let out a low whistle.
"Not bad." he said. "I assume it's a fifty -fifty split?" he asked, looking up at Larry and Joss.
They both nodded. "Minus your usual fee, of course." Larry said.
"Okay." Avi said. "I'll give you guys a call in a couple of days with the particulars."
"We look forward to it." Larry replied as he and Avi shook hands, followed by Joss.
Exiting Avi's office, Joss looked at the time. "Now we head to Herschel's?" she asked.
"Precisely." Larry answered.
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When they got to Herschel's office, they realized that something was amiss as soon as they walked in. The door was unlocked, but there was no one in the front office, his secratary's desk bare.
"Mr Lipowitz?" Joss called out in an attempt to see if anyone was there.
"Who the fuck is it?" yelled Herschel from within his office.
"Larry and Joss." Joss answered, tossing Larry a concerned look. Larry shrugged in reply.
"Oh. Come on in." Herschel said.
Entering his office, they found Herschel sitting at his desk with a glass, a fifth of Johnny Walker Black that was a quarter empty, and a titanium nitrate finished Desert Eagle.
"Are you okay Mr Lipowitz?" Joss asked in a concerned tone as Herschel tossed back the remainder of his glass.
"No." he growled, slamming his glass down on his desk. "I woke up this morning and discovered my wife had left me, and if that wasn't bad enough, when I got in to work I discovered that she was leaving me for my gorramed SECRATARY!" he added, his sudden spike in volume making the tow of them twitch "And so, considering recent events, I decided that it would be a good idea to have a drink."
"What about the Desert Eagle?" Larry asked.
Herschel glanced down at the massive pistol lying on his desktop. "This?" he asked, picking up the weapon and hefting it "This was lying on top of my Scotch bottle and I didn't feel like putting it away."
"Oh." Larry said with a nod.
Herschel chuckled darkly as he put the weapon down and poured himself another drink. "Don't worry kid. I'm not going to use it on myself. I'm not suicidal." he said, picking up his drink and taking a large gulp "Homicidal, yes, but then, what man wouldn't be in my situation?"
"An excellent point." Larry said as the front door to the office opened.
Instantly he and Joss had their hand's on their guns and Herschel had his hand on the Eagle.
"Who's there?" Herschel demanded.
''Miriam." a woman answered from the front room.
"What the fuck do you want, Miriam?" Herschel asked, visibly annoyed.
"I'm representing your wife." Miriam answered as she opened the door to Herschel's office. "Or should I say, your soon to be ex -wife." she added as she stepped in.
Herschel's expression changed from annoyance to incredulous as the dark haired forty something lawyer walked up to his desk with a sheaf of papers in her hand, completely ignoring Joss and Larry.
"You?" he asked. "Deb is is divorcing me, one of the best lawyers in all of Chicago, and the best she could come up with is you?"
"Well..." miriam said, stopping about four feet from Herschel's desk and tossing the sheaf of papers onto it. "You can't be all that good- I mean, she did leave you for another woman. You gotta admit that-" she continued before getting cut off by the thunderclap of a gunshot.
Miriam's eyes went wide as she staggered back from the gunshot, her mouth an "o" of surprise as she looked down to her right chest where there was a crimson stain blossoming from the gunshot wound in her chest.
She stepped back again, then stumbled and fell backwards, flat on her back as Herschel rose from his chair, the smoking Desert Eagle in his hand.
"Today was the wrong day for your shit, Miriam." Herschel said, sipping his scotch.
Miriam stared up at him with eyes the size of dinner plates. She tried to say something, but it came out as a choking gurgle, then her eyes rolled back in her head as the last of her lifeblood ran out into Herschel's shag carpeting and she gave a death rattle as she convulsed, then went limp.
'Would you mind if we disposed of her for you?" Larry asked.
Herschel looked up at him. "Go right ahead." he said. "What brings you kids over here anyways?" he asked.
"This." Joss said, walking over and handing Herschel a manila envelope. "It's a bunch of dirty little Mob secrets."
'Well, I am the guy to hold onto those secrets..." Herschel said as he took the envelope.
"Yes, you are." Joss said "Now the only question is how we're gonna move her." she added, nudging Miriam's body with her foot.
"I'd venture that the task ahead of us will only be accomplished with great effort and a modicum of difficulty." Larry ventured as he walked over to Miriam's body and took out a box cutter. "Fortunately, I've come prepared and have in my possession some tools that will make our endeavor easier."
"It's not a carpet knife, but it'll do."Joss said, eying Larry's box cutter. "You cut the carpet. I got a tarp in my truck that we can use to wrap the body."
"Excellent." Larry said with a nod. "Do hurry. The quicker we get her wrapped up, the less sub flooring we'll have to replace."
"Yeah yeah." Joss said as she walked out the door.
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Putting his key in the lock, Larry turned it counter clockwise and slid the deadbolt back as he unlocked the door. Pushing it open, he stepped inside with Joss right behind him and stopped dead in his tracks, for Chris and Andrew were sitting in the living room, waiting for them.
"Oof!" Joss said, running into her cousin after his unexpected stop. "What the hell-"
"Hi kids!" Chris and Andrew said in unison.
"It's our two favorite madmen." Larry explained as Joss wormed her way around her cousin.
"Oh." Joss said. "Did we pass the test?" she asked.
"Well..." Andrew began from his position. "As a matter of fact..." he trailed off.
"Yes, you did." Chris finished. "Catch."
Larry and Joss both caught the bundles that Chris and Andrew both threw at them. Opening hers up, Joss was surprised to see that she was holding a leather bag, similar to Andrews but less fancy, like the kind of bag a ranch hand would have if they'd had tactical bags in the Wild West.
Larry's bag was a Blackwater Battle Bag, almost identical to Chris's, with his being in much better condition and not banged up with grime from five continents and multiple realities ground into it.
"Bags?" Joss asked, a little confused.
"They're NDS bags." Chris explained, taking a cigar from his humidor and clipping off the end. "Congragulations. You're members of B3S, hereafter known as Team Two. You're gonna need 'em."
"Along with enhancements, but we'll get to those later." Andrew said, lighting a cigarette. "But first, we celebrate. HARLEY!"
In response to Andrews summons, Harley Quinn, who had been entertaining herself by balancing on the railing of the upstairs balcony, ran to the stairs, slid down the railing before jumping off at the halfway point in a backwards somersault to land neatly at Andrews side.
"Yes dear?" she asked sweetly.
"Make sure that Joss is properly dressed for a night out on the town!" Andrew decreed, making Harley giggle.
"Sounds like fun..." Harley cooed. "What are you going to be doing?"
Andrew grinned and rubbed his hands together eagerly. "I'm going to be calling a few people. First on the list is Jill and Matt...."
"Tell Nemmie to wear his tux- he looks so cute in it." Harley said as she turned to Joss. "Now as for you, my pretty...."
Joss arched an eyebrow as she slung her new NDS bag over one shoulder. "I don't know what you're plannin', but whatever it is, ya gotta catch me first." was all that she said before disappearing in a cloud of dust.
Harley squealed and clapped her hands. "Oooh! It's so much fun when they resist!" she said happily before taking off after Joss.
Larry watched Harley depart and turned his attention back to Chris. "You do know that I do not require cajoling or threating to change into something presentable?" he asked.
"Yep." Chris said, lighting a match and putting it to the end of his cigar. "Of course, Maggie was nice enough to volunteer to give you hand though." he added as he puffed on his cigar and rummaged around in his pocket with his left hand.
"As much as I appreciate the offer, I do not require assistance and -oh hell." Larry managed to say before Chris fished out a remote and pressed the button on it. "Not agAAAAAIIIN!"
Andrew and Chris chuckled as Larry plummeted into the basement and right into the clutches of Maggie.
"I love doing that..." Chris said, happily puffing on his cigar as Andrew picked up the phone and started dialing.
"Yes, you do." Andrew agreed as a topless Joss ran by, followed by a maniacally giggling Harley.
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Sunlight stabbed into Joss's eyes, and she groaned slightly and rolled over away from the light. Right into something large, firm, and warm. She stiffened slightly as memories from last night came flooding in. Harley chasing her around the B3S building, cornering her and dosing her with a paralyzing agent before stripping her naked, molesting her, and then redressing her and dolling her up.
Chris wearing a tuxedo, complete with top hat, tails, and an ebony cane with a golf ball sized diamond set in platinum capping it. Sniper Wolf on his arm in a white silk gown. Larry wearing a tuxedo with Maggie on his arm dressed in red silk.
Andrew, wearing a pimp suit with fur coat and large floppy hat with Harley in her harlequin costume.
And herself in a little black dress with an old friend of theirs named Carlos.....
Joss cracked an eye open and got a look at who was sharing a bed with her. "Hubba hubba hubba-" she said under her breath, then stopped when she realized that was buck ass naked. "Looks like I had some fun..." she muttered, lifting up the covers to take a look at her self.
Letting the covers fall back, Joss lay there for a few moments before a nicotine craving hit her. Sighing she shielded her eyes against the sun and rolled over. And found Andrew standing next to the bed. With a drooling Harley. Holding a very large injector gun loaded with a vial containing a greenish yellow solution.
"What the hell are you two doing in here?" Joss said in a whisper.
'Well..." Andrew began "Harley's just here as a voyeur, but I'm here to give you this." he continued, shaking the injector for emphasis.
"What the hell is that stuff-" was all that Joss was able to get out before Andrew jabbed the gun into her neck and held the trigger down, injecting her with the full contents.
"It's an enhancement virus, similar to mine, but specifically tailored for you." Andrew said as he removed the injector gun from her neck. "You've got about twelve hours before it kicks in, so you and Carlos have fun..." he added before sweeping out of the room with Harley in tow.
Joss sat there with a hand clasped over where the injector had bit into her neck and wondered what the hell to do next, also where her cigarettes could possibly be. A masculine groan behind her made her remember her bed mate, and she turned around to see Carlos rubbing his eyes.
"Mornin'." Joss said, sliding over to him.
Carlos groaned and looked up to see Joss looking down at him. "Good morning." he said in his accented English. "Did you enjoy yourself last night?" he asked.
"Yeah." Joss said, leaning forwards and sliding her hands underneath the covers. "And I was thinkin' about havin' some more fun."
"Ai Carumba!"
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End.
Author's note: And you thought I was going to limit B3S's shenanigans to just Kim and Ron? Silly, silly, readers.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. Just so you know, I was inspired to write this story during a brainstorming session that Israelbauman and I were having about Tarantino flicks when I happened to click on a YouTube video of Lawyers, Guns, and Money.
Warren Zevon and Quentin Tarantino. Interesting things happen when you mix those two....
Zombie Boy.