There are two very different people in the same body.
This would scare the hell out of him if he didn't know the reason why, but the truth is that he does know why, because he doesn't have a choice but to know. The funny thing about it is that sometimes the lines blur, and the two people are the same person, inside him, because somehow, he ended up carrying both of them, and two years ago, there wasn't a difference. And the stupid thing about it is that one of those people took on a more 'involved' role, so to speak, to the point where the other person almost completely vanished.
The problem was that when the lines blurred then, he didn't think he'd ever go back.
What amuses him about this is that the two different people are in fact, the same person, because they're him, but at the same time, one is quite different from the other. Behind the scenes, he is not who everyone thinks he is. What they see is the precinct side, and what they see is the temperamental detective who isn't afraid to get in your face and tell you flat out that he thinks you're lying and you better start talking if you don't want to end up in prison. They see someone who'll turn and slam someone back against a car door as if he's going to do something, only to turn and walk away and do nothing.
They see the side that the department calls Detective Stabler.
And it doesn't always go over well, either, which, now that he thinks about it, it's actually funny, because that was the side that took over two years ago, and it is the one that got him into the most trouble. What the city sees is someone who's been in SVU for too damn long, because you're only really supposed to be in there for two years before you burn out. But he hasn't burned out yet, so he stays, and what the city sees is what he wants them to see, because if they were to see anything else, he doesn't think it would settle well with him or with them, either. What the department sees is someone with more than a few citations in his jacket, more than a few cases that have been broken with questions, and a couple of lawsuits that had no real basis because he hadn't technically done anything wrong.
Of course, they also see someone who's perfectly capable of doing his job.
But that's not the point. At the moment, he finds himself sitting outside on the front porch because the five who had been at the precinct for 48 hours without a break were all ordered home. And it's mid-afternoon, and most of the kids are coming home from school, but it's the weekend, so none of them want to do their homework, and so they're all outside. When the front door slams open, he doesn't have to look to see that it's the twins coming out to join their friends, because they might be about to turn fifteen, but they're still at that age where hanging out in the neighborhood is one of the so-called 'cool' things to do.
He debates for a moment whether or not to go inside, but decides not to.
A little while ago, he was sitting here in the same position, watching the same scene, or rather trying to watch, because he couldn't really see anything, and what he could see was more than just a little bit blurred. It was the result of a suspect deciding it'd be a good idea to knock him backwards into a car window, but now that it's over and he can actually see again, he finds himself thinking about things that he probably wouldn't have thought about otherwise. And the thought that it is those things on the outside that everyone sees, but it is what is on the inside that really matters hits him as he does.
Behind the scenes, he is not Detective Stabler, but someone else entirely.
The thing about this is that the difference between the two isn't always clear: behind the scenes, he is supposed to be just Elliot, but it doesn't always work that way. He knows the lines are blurred sometimes, and he doesn't like it, but then, sometimes, there just isn't anything he can do about it. So he leaves it, and waits, and sometimes, Detective Stabler goes away, and sometimes he doesn't, but waiting usually does the trick. The lines between work and home used to be clearly defined, but they aren't anymore, and sometimes, even outside the precinct, he's two people all in one.
The thought is still enough to scare the hell out of him.
Behind the scenes, he is supposed to be the parent, the voice of reason in the arguments between the four kids he has that can actually talk, never mind walk and go places and do as they will. He is the one who will sit on the front porch watching the kids play, never mind if the other parents think it's weird, because they all know he's a cop and they can deal with it. It bothers him to know that no one's watching, and so if he has the time, he'll do it himself. And sometimes, he's even the one that will find himself talked into a random game of kickball in the middle of the street, because he's really the only one that will ever make time after work instead of rattling off any number of excuses why he can't do it.
He is the one who knows that he has taken too much for granted.
If it is those things that are on the outside that everyone sees and identifies you by, then it is the things on the inside that matter even more, and on the inside, sometimes, he is what he wants no one else to see. The one who will sit and watch the most random movie he can think of with his kids and laugh about it in the squad room the next day, to the point where it's getting annoying, because he won't tell any of the others what he's laughing at. The one who will come home in the dead middle of the night and sit in the kitchen with the lights on, listening to the radio until someone comes down to find out exactly what the noise is. And he is also the one that can stand there for ages in the doorways of his kids' bedrooms, just watching them sleep and knowing, somehow, that whatever else is going on the world, they're not affected by it, yet, knowing this through the fact that they can sleep, even if he can't.
On the inside, he is everything that the outside wants to be, and it makes him laugh.
The funny thing about it is that there are two different faces: one for the squad and the city and everything else he deals with every day, and then one for home, and family and people he knows outside the precinct. There are two different sides, two different lives, if he cares to think about it that way, but only one heart, and one mind, and one spirit that sometimes finds itself caught between too many things at once. But then, waiting is the key to that, too. Sooner or later, there is always an answer, and he knows it, even if the answers aren't always the easiest things in the world to come by.
But there is still a difference between being Elliot and being Detective Stabler, and he knows this, too.
And he might be split between the two, sometimes, but at least he knows where the lines are.