As soon as the Brett walked out the door I sank down against the wall and let the tears fall. I was scared to death today, one of my oldest friends was on life support, I was almost killed twice...and I realized I had no one...no one to go to when the whole world was crashing down around me, no family, no close friends...just acquaintances.
I was so lost in my own head I didn't see, or hear her come back in until I felt her hand on my arm. "Is there...is there anything I can do?" She asked me.
"No...no I'm fine." I said as I wiped my face quickly and stood up...too quickly...as I got dizzy and she pushed me into the chair.
"When is the last time you slept Jay?" She asked...obviously perceptive...but nosy.
"Couple days ago."
"Why haven't you slept?" Yup, definitely nosy.
"Some asshole put a bounty on my head...then all this." I said waving my arm around the room.
"You need to sleep...lack of sleep triggers PTSD symptoms." she started to lecture.
"What the hell do you know..."
"You were a soldier...now you are a cop...the way you were when she was shot...I could tell. Don't be mad...I just...I have seen what it can be like..."
"Sorry...I'm just..." I didn't know how to explain. Maddie was in the hospital because of me...maybe dying because of me.
"You want to stop by Molly's with me and then I can take you home? You shouldn't be driving."
"Sure." I said standing up, slower this time. She was right...about everything. "Thanks." I said as I climbed into her car.
She had been right about everyone being at Molly's...somehow everyone from 51 and intelligence had become linked...like one family. "One drink then head out?" She asked me as we walked up to the bar slowly making our way through the crowd.
"Sounds good." I answered. I got my drink then walked over to Antonio and Atwood and sat down. I updated them on Maddie's condition and we all went on drinking. When Brett walked over to me a little while later I remembered that I couldn't go home and I started to panic a little.
She saw something in me...it was freaky how perceptive she was and put her hand on my shoulder. She said something to Atwood and he took Antonio home And it was just the two of us left at the table. "Talk to me Jay." Damn perceptive women...always wanting me to talk when that is the whole problem...everyone I allow to get close to me ends up hurt...or dead.
"I can't go back to my place." I told her...I figured I might as well go with the truth since she could read me like a damn book anyway.
"I've got room at mine." She said pushing me off the stool and towards the door. I felt so lost...this kid, that I hardly knew somehow had gotten more out of me without me saying anything than most people got in the years of knowing me, except Erin...Erin knew...but I couldn't let her get hurt...I could not lose her too.
"Sorry." I mumbled. I know she heard me, and I could tell she wanted to say something but she held her tongue. I was shocked when she pulled up to her house, doubly shocked when we went inside and I saw how nice it was.
"Guest room is upstairs on the left. My rooms on the right and the bathroom is at the end of the hall." She said as she shrugged off her jacket and went into the kitchen. I made my way up the stairs and went into the bedroom.
I sat down on the edge of the bedroom and got lost in my own thoughts. "Jay?" She said snapping me back to reality, "here are some sweats and a toothbrush. Towels and everything are in the bathroom." I nodded my head and she walked out closing the door behind her. I changed into the sweats and then went to finish in the bathroom.
When I was walking out of the bathroom she came out of her bedroom in her pink polka dotted pajamas with a matching bright pink tank top, "I am just across the hall if you need anything. Sweet dreams." She told me. She reminded me of the Care-bears cartoon that Allie used to watch...too happy, perky...perceptive. I went in and laid down on the bed and closed my eyes falling asleep almost instantly.
I woke up in a cold sweat, panicked and crying. I felt her hand on my shoulder and heard her whisper that I was safe which of course only made me cry harder. The dreams had started again...Allie's brother...my family...the war...Maddie. I grabbed onto her hand and squeezed it to my chest. She slowly sat down on the edge of the bed. "You back with me now?" She asked. I didn't trust my voice and just nodded. "None of the stuff you have been through is your fault."
She sat on the bed with my while I caught my breath and calmed my heart. "Jay do you have anyone you want me to call for you?" I wanted Erin...it was late though and I didn't want to put all of this on her...it was bad enough that Brett was seeing me this fucked up. But God...I wanted Erin. "I can call Lindsay if you give me your phone." I didn't say anything, just looked towards the night stand where my phone was sitting.
She picked it up and I saw her go into the contacts looking for her only to look back at me with a confused look. "Wendy...her number is saved as Wendy." I told her before laying back down on the bed trying to bury my head in the pillow. I could hear them talking and I heard Brett give her address before hanging up.
"I didn't picture you as a Disney kinda guy. Cute." She said handing me back my phone. When I didn't say anything she continued, "Has she ever seen you like this Jay?" Again I ignored her, "If you won't open up to me you need to with her...you cannot keep your terrors in...you need to let them out to move past them." She put her hand on my arm I could tell she felt slightly uncomfortable with the intimacy of my breakdown but she still stayed, she was so unsure of herself...it made me wonder what happened to her. Something had to have happened to her.
I could hear Erin call out when she came into the house and Brett told her we were upstairs. She ran into the bedroom and stopped at the edge of the bed, talking to Brett she asked, "What the hell happened?"
I fazed out while she told her all about the hospital, her coming back in to find me sitting on the floor...this was it...Erin was going to either stay or run the other direction...for her sake I hoped that she would run...I am too messed up to do her any good.
I felt Brett get up and heard the door close behind her and Erin climbed onto the bed and laid down next to me and rested her hand on my back, then she reached her hand up under my shirt and she began to scratch my back. "Jay...talk to me. We are partners."
Partners...partners that comfort each other one minute and run away at the first sign of intimacy. "She took a bullet that was meant for me." I said feeling my body start to shake.
"The doctor said she was going to be in the ICU for a couple days and then be fine though. What happened was not your fault."
"You could have gotten hurt...or killed too." I said turning my head to look at her.
I saw the change in her eyes when she saw my tear stained face, "Don't hide from me...please." She said reaching her hand to my side and pulling me towards her. Could I be that vulnerable? I wanted so badly to have her hold me...to make me feel safe, even if it was just temporary but everyone I get close to gets hurt...I couldn't let her get hurt.
I felt her get up and she turned on the small bedside lamp and turned off the overhead light and kicked off her shoes and climbed into the bed, "I have had a shitty ass day and I came all the way over here because she said you needed me and now you are ignoring me...just like she did...after I was stupid enough to go to the damned wedding."
"Huh?" I said rolling over closer to her, "Whose wedding?"
"Bunny's."
"Your Mom?"
"If you can call her that..."
"I was with Hank when I got Brett's call."
"You went to see your Dad...so he knows you are here with me...great..." I said...I sure hoped I had a job in the morning.
"He cares about you too you know...all of us do." I felt the tears forming in my eyes again and I know she saw them, "We love you Jay...I love you." She whispered. I buried myself into her and held on as if my life depended on it...because truth be told it did. I needed her more than I needed oxygen. Erin Lindsay was my lifeline.
"Tell me about your demons...you shouldn't be scared of your shadow." She whispered as she held me into her and gently pulled the hair on the back of my head.
"Allie's brother...Lonnie...I see him dead every time I close my eyes...if I would have been home I could have...but I was overseas...I got to come home because of it...they were the closest thing I had to family...Allie and I...we were...and then he was killed...and everything changed... my parents...both of them died before I even graduated...and then over there...I saw them all...one by one...blown up, shot, tortured...everyone I get close to dies Erin...Everyone. Tonight when I saw Maddie laying behind the bar...it was just too much..." I rambled, my chest getting tighter with each word. It was hard to breathe and I felt the room closing in on me.
I felt her arms get tighter around me, I felt her breathing on me, I heard her heart beating, then I heard her voice, "When there's a smile in your heart
There's no better time to start Think of all the joy you'll find When you leave the world behind And bid your fears good bye You can fly, you can fly, you can fly!" I breathed in when she breathed out, my heart beat slowed to match hers. As she sang the song, whispered so only I could hear it I felt myself relax into her. "Stay awake, don't rest your head Don't lie down upon your bed While the moon drifts in the skies Stay awake, don't close your eyes Though the world is fast asleep Though your pillow's soft and deep You're not sleepy as you seem Stay awake, don't nod and dream"
"Mary Poppins?" I mumbled into her chest as I felt my head sink further into her.
"You are safe here Jay. If you trust me then go to sleep. We can figure out the real world together tomorrow."