Author's note... i guess?
hi, it's me, loutrem, and this is my first fanfiction. alright not my very very first im lying here. but i did my first fanfiction like 6 years ago and it was a twilight self-insert so you dont need to know. i havent written anything like this since then (i write sometimes but just not fanfictions, mostly weird surrealist shit for school). this is still my first homestuck fanfiction and the first time ill write about couples... yyyyyyeah.
a few disclaimers: 1) im french. so im not too good for writing in english even tho you could say im pretty fluent. PLEASE do tell me if i do spelling mistakes and such? thatd be greatly appreciated, even tho my fics are proofread and corrected by cool writer and amazing girlfriend hatsumiyo-momichi (who's on here, go read her fics). 2) this story is happening in france because i have no idea how the USA (and mostly US' schools) works. so please bear with me? if anything, i will explain stuff in the author's notes lol 3) this is a pretty sad story but i won't call it sadstuck because it ends well (don't worry)
enjoy me story
Your name is TAVROS NITRAM and you can't sleep. Somehow. It's like something is keeping you awake, and it's pissing you off. Your eyes are heavy, they feel like they're going to fall out, but you can't bring yourself to sleep. You look back to your digital clock. 2:30 a.m. Shit, you're going to be so sleepy tomorrow. Your final exams are coming soon, too soon, and you really can't afford to sleep in class, even if you know some people in your class take notes on their computer and usually post them on facebook for people who were sleeping. You close your eyes really hard, thinking about flying like you always wished you could do, wishing it would make you sleep, but after a while you find that your eyes are open again. You don't remember opening them.
You sigh heavily and decide to give up. You just. Give. The fuck. Up. You pick up your cellphone (missing the spot you had put it a few times since you're in the complete darkness), turn it on, not without feeling your eyes hurting because of the sudden source of bright light, and start browsing the internet, hoping that it will tire your eyes enough so you can sleep. You search for some fresh Pokémon memes or some of those breedings people have been drawing recently; you find them interesting. And cute. After a while you start playing a bit of 2048. You beat the game hundreds of times, but it is never enough for you.
Suddenly, your phone goes off in your hand, making your heart skip a beat. It vibrates three times, meaning that you received a message on Trollian. It's almost 3 a.m, who the hell would think about sending a message right now? You think about Vriska, she almost never sleep and is always trying to be in cahoots with you to do some fucked up shit. She's gotten you into really bad situations, for all the years you've been "friends" with her, and she even sent you to the hospital for a few days one time. But at the beginning of the year you told her off (quite harshly but you didn't care anymore) and she hasn't been speaking with you since then, and you can't complain about that. So, who sent a message? You take no more time in wondering who it is and open Trollian to see that it is a memo that was opened by ...Gamzee? What was he doing up this late? He usually cherishes the time when he can sleep. You start reading what he wrote, worried by the fact that all he writes is in lower cases, unlike his habitual Up AnD dOwN typing quirk.
terminallyCapricious [TC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY ASSHOLE RUMPUS FACTORY.
TC: hey bros. and sis'. alright, dunno how im motherfucking gonna express this shit but
TC: i can't. continue like this. tonight i'm gonna fuckin off myself
TC: i hope yall will be able to up and forget me very soon. i ain't important to any of you anyways. so, bye
You start panicking. Heavily. You feel your breath picking up. You read the message over and over, hoping it will change to something happier, but it doesn't. You don't know what to say, you've never really been in this kind of situations. Usually, the one who calmed Gamzee was Karkat and at this hour, Karkat is probably sleeping (you're like 99,99% sure) and he won't see this in time. Which sucks, because he would have been the only one to be able to talk Gamzee out of this.
You've known Gamzee for a while now. You know how depressed he is, even though he doesn't look like it, with his silly grin plastered on his face, his ever so present aura of softness radiating off of him, his unfocused eyes and his ramblings about miracles and God and other religious stuff you don't really follow but that you like listening to. He's really religious actually, he read the Bible more than a few times, but he likes to spice it up a bit and changing God into a rapper clown, which you find ridiculously funny. He loves to rap, and you think he's really good at it, but Dave Strider, one of the friend of your group, thinks he sucks balls. But you don't care because you like rapping with him too. He's a chill guy from outside, always in a clownish attire, with multicolored nail polish and in dresses or skirts on fancy days. But you, just like Karkat, know that all of this is just a facade. Inside, he isn't well.
As he would put it, "there's not a lotta great stuff going on all up in here". Half of the time, his smiles are motivated by him being high off his ass. Because yeah, he's kind of an addict. He smokes a lot of weed, it's rare to see him without a little cloud of smoke surrounding him. At school, he isn't allowed to wear his clown make up that he wears every day, which forces him to make an extra-effort to smile and be happy, since his face paint covers a bit his sadness and makes him look smiley all the time. His dad is never here for him; he grew up mostly alone with his mother, who would leave him by himself, too, most of the time. She died when he was fifteen, drowned by a maniac that no one found. Gamzee doesn't like to talk about this. His dad comes to visit him for just one day each months, but it's not enough for eighteen years old Gamzee Makara. The friends in your group also like to mock him, belittle him and make fun of his beliefs and looks. No one really likes him except you and Karkat, and even then, Karkat can be pretty harsh with him. You feel like you are the only one who really truly cares about him, and it saddens you.
And now, he was threatening to kill himself, and you can't let him do that. You breathe heavily and your sudden burst of confidence makes your fingers fly over the letters on your phone to type an answer:
adiosToreador responded to memo
AT: uH, gAMZEE? gAMZ, aRE YOU STILL HERE?
AT: ,,,
AT: gAMZEE I'M WORRIED, pLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING BAD,
TC: ...
TC: woah tav.. didnt excpet you to answer
AT: gAMZ ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
AT: nEVERMIND, yOU OBVIOUSLY AREN'T,
TC: nah i aint. but dont worry your lil head, i got this
TC: soon ya wont have to worry abot me no more
AT: dON'T SAY THAT,
TC: why are you awake tho? its like.. . super late bro... you need to catch some Zs... :o)
AT: gAMZEE THAT'S NOT THE QUESTION, rIGHT NOW,
AT: tHE QUESTION BEING, dO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER?
TC: … no tav dont come seriously, motherfucker, leave me alone. i dont deserve help
AT: yES YOU DO, aND I THINK, mAYBE, eVEN IF YOU DONT WANT ME TO COME, tHAT I WILL COME,
AT: iN YOUR HOUSE, i MEAN,
AT: tHAT WAS AWKWARD,
TC: dont pleas please dont donton leav me alone
You frown deeply and sigh in annoyance as you stand up and turn on the light in your room, trying not to fall because of the faint pain in your knees and back. Sigh. Scoliosis and weak knees, what a great combo.
AT: i'M COMING OVER ANYWAYS AND YOU CAN'T, sTOP ME,
adiosToreador left the memo
You get prepared silently, taking a simple black shirt and jeans, trying not to wake your family. Rufioh, your big brother, wouldn't forgive you for ruining his precious night of sleep. Your phone keeps going off in your jean's pocket but you ignore it; you won't answer. You take your backpack and some fresh clothes for tomorrow; seeing the time, it's inevitable that you will have to sleep at Gamzee's. Luckily, you already have a personal toothbrush and towel there, you're so used to go at his place that you have your own stuff so that you can come and sleep whenever. You snoop down the stairs, trying to not make them creak, and stop in your kitchen, leaving a word for your parents on a bright pink note. They know the situation with Gamzee, you often go see him, but tonight is the first time you leave without telling them before. You hope they won't be too pissed off.
His house really isn't that far, only a good 10 minutes of walking. You run a bit though, you don't want your slowness giving him a chance at trying to kill himself, you would never forgive yourself. You finally approach his house, worry eating your guts as you see no lights are on. You run to his door and immediately ring. You're not afraid of waking anyone up since he's alone in his house anyways. You ring again, and then knock loudly. No answers. This whole thing is starting to scare you.
"Gamzee! If you don't open the door I will uh... I will BREAK your kitchen's window and enter anyways!" you yell.
You wait for a little while before hearing some shuffling behind the door. You let a relieved sigh escape your lips. He's still alive. Also, you weren't going to break his kitchen's window, of course, you're not that kind of guy. You hear the door being unlocked and then creak open. There, you see eyes peeking through the small opening of the door, staring right at you. Sad, sad swollen eyes. You wince, he looks awful, his face shiny with tears, his face paint smudged everywhere on his clothes, in his hair, even on his bare legs. He seems hesitant, a bit wobbly too, as if he was drunk. Oh god, is he drunk?! He stinks of alcohol.
"Hey, Gamzee, can I enter, please? I want to help you..." you whisper to him
"... you really shouldn't be there..." he answers, really slowly, with a croaking voice full of sobs, meaning he probably cried all night and screamed too. You feel your heart ache at that thought and you can't help but feel extreme sadness for him.
"Hum... as long as I'm your friend, you won't be alone and you won't die, so yeah, I think, in my opinion, that I should be here." you try to have the most reassuring voice as you can.
"I dunno dude I * hic * … I just..."
He stops, closing the door a little bit more. You can barely see him now but you can still see that he's crying, his clear blue eyes surrounded by heavily red scleras looking to the side with despair. You know he is way, way taller than you, despite the fact that a few years ago it wasn't the case at all, but right now it looked like he had lost half of his size. Your feel your heart sink.
"Hey, don't cry Gam, I'm here, I'll help you. Hum... Gamy?" you say, using his favorite nickname. You think it's a bit silly so you blush a bit, and you're sure he does too. You're the only one allowed to use this one. He looks at you again.
"Yeah... yeah... motherfuck... alright..."
He opens the door a bit more but not fully for some reason. You can see he has a hard time staying right on his feet. He is definitely drunk. He turns around to free the passage so you can enter too.