I don't own Black Butler, or any of the characters from it. Or the picture, which is from the Kuroshitsuji manga.
She hides behind her smiles.
It's almost effortless, when others are around, and she had long ago resolved to do it. For Ciel's sake.
Cute things, bright smiles. Maybe they'll remind him of his childhood. Maybe they'll bring something back.
She remembers then, but perhaps Ciel doesn't. Doesn't remember his smiles, wide as the sky. His parents' proud beams. Laughter like a spring breeze. Crawling around in the gardens and sunshine and joy.
Perhaps he doesn't even remember happiness.
She smiles for him, wider than she ever had, and greets him with hugs and spins. She hides the "ugly" parts of her– the fencing, the bitterness, all the doubts that pile up and choke her and pull at her too-frilly, impractical skirt and drag her under, screaming.
She's not stupid.
She knows that she's unwanted. If she were a puppy, he'd have cast her out into the rain ages ago. But she's there, and she's his fiancée. And he has a reputation to keep up. She knows it's the only thing keeping him. But she loves him, so she keeps visiting.
Head up. Smile wide. Laugh like everything's perfect. Don't let the sadness show. Pretend to be someone she's not. For him. Because she loves him. And she'll keep loving him, no matter what.
He doesn't see through her. But, maybe his butler does.
That coy smile, the glint in his eyes. The look he gives her, so condescending, with that God-awful smirk that makes her stomach sink.
She hates him.
Maybe hate is too strong a word. But ever since Ciel came back with him, Ciel was completely different. Stone cold. Unreachable. A bandage over his eye; the eye she never saw again. And he just stood there, smiling in that weird way. And Ciel relied on him, kept him close. Pushed her away. Maybe she does hate him.
And then it's her birthday.
She goes to Ciel, all happy and bubbly and smiles and, "Guess what day it is?"
And Ciel, lips pursing at his desk, doesn't even lift his eyes from his paper. The only indication that he heard her is a slight pause in writing. A tiny bit more pressure to his pen. An infinitesimal narrowing of his eyes.
If she wasn't trained by her parents to notice such things, it would've slipped by. But she sees them. And it cuts at her like a knife every time she visits, because it happens every time. Sometimes, she really wishes that she is the oblivious, superficial girl that she pretends to be, so that she can dance in her ignorance and stupidity and actually believe that Ciel loves her back. Because no matter what she thinks, she even can't convince herself that Ciel truly loves her.
"You know what day it is, right?"
Her voice shakes with despair at first but she stomps it down with a low-heeled shoe. Just something else she'd sacrificed for him without saying anything. Because he needs to feel in charge. Older. At least taller than his fiancée. And she does it for him, bearing her parents' rare anger at their ignored gifts. Glancing away from pretty high-heeled shoes in shops. Making excuses when her friends ask her why she won't wear shoes like the kinds the rest of them are. Why she fences when she "hates it" so much. Why she "puts up with" Ciel.
Ciel scowls barely noticeably, the corners of his lips turning down slightly.
The smile drops from her face briefly, before she forces it back up, chastising herself for letting it slip. Of course Ciel knows it's your birthday, she tries to convince herself. He's known you all his life. He's celebrated it every year.
"I'm trying to work, Lizzy."
He knows. He has to know.
She tries again, with an even, happy voice and a jubilant smile, but it's hard to pretend so much. It hurts inside, but she has to confirm it. "You remember what day it is, right? Right?"
Ciel keeps writing, ignoring her. Finally he says, "These are important papers. If you wouldn't mind leaving, Sebastian will show you out now."
He finally looks up, cool and composed, and lifts a teacup to his lips, glaring at her. He's pretending, too. Holding himself back from yelling at her, telling her how annoying she is, how he hates her.
She's almost positive she can hear her heart breaking.
The smile's gone, but she doesn't even try to put it back up. She can't ignore the facts anymore, that she can't help Ciel, no matter how hard she tries. She keeps her posture and holds back those persistent tears, and it may just be the hardest thing she's ever done.
"Oh, there's no need. I was just leaving." There's a crack in her voice. Her eyes are watering, she can tell. She tries to force back her feelings.
"It was nice seei-"
"It's my birthday today." Her gaze is even, calculated, and brimming with unshed tears. She can see his eyes widen, but barely. "I'm glad to know how much you think of me, forgetting it so casually when you've known me for so long and when we're going to be married." He sets down his teacup.
"Lizzy, I-"
"Don't call me that." Her words are sharper than the swords she wields, hidden from him, but still for him. In case he needs protection. She'll do anything to protect him. "Seeing as I mean almost nothing to you, I don't think I'd like for you to call me anything showing familiarity. It's Elizabeth, to people like you, to whom I mean nothing."
"Elizabeth-"
"I'm not finished, Ciel." Deep breaths. In, out. In, out.
Her breathing is loud and ragged. She can hear it echoing in the room.
Ciel's composed serenity has fallen apart. He's ready to protest, to try to calm her and send her off to play with her dolls and forget that this ever happened.
Sometimes she wonders if her act is really that good, or if he's just satisfied to see her as a stupid child.
"I'm breaking off our engagement."
It's too bad that she's not strong enough to stop that stupid, traitorous tear from spilling.
"All I've ever wanted was your happiness, Ciel. I hope you realize that, and how much I've sacrificed for you. But nothing I do makes you happy. All I do is bother you, and don't you dare lie to me about it. You'll be much happier without me, and you know it. I'll still love you. I'll never stop loving you, no matter how crazy that sounds. But I've realized this is what will make you happy. So I'll do it."
The speech just gushes out. It feels like a weight lifted off her, to get it out. But the tears won't stop streaming down, like rivers. A harsh laugh rips from her throat.
"You're happy, aren't you? I'm surprised you didn't break off the engagement earlier, seeing as you're the head of the house now. Were you hoping I'd back off and be a dull little wife, separate from you? All the cuteness was for you. To make you happy again."
She stands there in the middle of the room, laughing bitterly and crying at the same time, her face an ugly, blotchy red. Her dress is getting wet and she's falling apart.
Ciel has stood from his desk. He's just standing there, looking confused and upset at the turn of events, and analyzing her. She can't bear his calculating gaze anymore, so she turns away and starts walking.
"Lizz- Elizabeth!" He's rushing to her, but she keeps walking determinedly, wiping her eyes and staring ahead. He grabs her hand, tugs her backwards. When she whirls around to face him, she tries to appear as defiant as possible with puffy eyes and a tear-stained face.
Ciel pauses, not sure of what to say. There's a moment of silence, before a sob that she can't stop shakes Elizabeth and Ciel seems to come to his senses.
"Elizabeth…" He starts and stops again.
She stares into his pleading eye, trying to find love and care in them. She sees none. When they were children, his eyes were alive with it. His laugh was carefree as the butterflies in the garden, and his smile was so unguarded, so open, so honestly happy. He was happy to be with her. Now, he wasn't. He was using her as a doll so that everyone would think he was perfectly normal. She could be anyone else. He just didn't want the hassle of finding another.
He didn't love her like she loved him, more than anything and everything. And that stung like nothing else. He was her life. And what was she to him?
Throat closing up and tears spilling once more, Elizabeth wrenched her arm from his hand and turned away.
"Sebastian, stop her!"
Because he couldn't be bothered to stop her himself.
A second later, there was a shape in her path. An evilly smiling, uncaring and unfeeling shape in her path.
"Miss Midford, would you please think rationally?"
"Get out of my way, Sebastian."
"I'm sorry, Miss, but my master has given me orders."
"To stop me?" Tears and laughter and pain and anger. "He could've been asking me to stop breathing, for all you know. It's probably what he wants, after all." Damnit, stop crying! Are you really that weak?!
She wipes her eyes and concentrates on her breathing as Sebastian considers. She is strong. She isn't going to let Ciel see how broken she is.
Ciel's eye is blazing deep blue with sudden resolve. "Lizzy, stop throwing your tantrum this instant! I know you don't mean it, so-"
"It's Elizabeth. And I meant every word. So stop lying to me and pretending you care. Now, get out of my way."
It hurts so much to say that, because she knows it's the truth. If she has to stand by Ciel and love him with all her heart while he hates her every second, she won't be able to stand it. So the engagement is over. Done. Inside, he must be pleased.
But even just being there in that instant, with Sebastian judging her and Ciel's disbelief at her independent thought; it's too much. She loves him so much, but she's going to let him go. Because he hates her. He never wants to see her again. And her pent-up feelings have been held captive for too long.
Not stopping to think, she pulls her swords out from where they're always hidden in the back of her dress.
Ciel backs up, eyes widening. "Do you even know how to use those things?"
"Yes. How else was I supposed to protect you? Did you forget who my family is? How much you mean to me?" Her voice shakes so badly that it barely matters that her breath is coming in rattled gasps, tearing through her words.
"Sebastian, let me through."
He doesn't move, so Elizabeth swings. She knows full well that he'd dodge easily, having seen him in action before. She moves to leave, now that he had left her path open, but he's back again in an instant. "Miss Midford, were you intending to hit me?"
"Get out of my way."
It hurts, to be this close to Ciel. To break down in front of him. To let her real self, so fractured and splintered, erupt in front of him. He's shell-shocked, disgusted probably.
She's not the strong wife he doesn't want to have, or the cute, bubbly girl that she hoped would light up his day. She's some insane, raving girl that he once knew and loved, but now's just a lunatic that weighs him down.
"If it's what you really want, to call off our engagement…"
Ciel lets the sentence hang, studying her face.
Suddenly ashamed at her outburst, Elizabeth sheaths her swords. But she won't lower her gaze like she wants to. She stares levelly, embarrassed and bare, with nothing left but her act.
"That's not what I want. As much as it probably disgusts you, I love you. It's what you want, to call off our marriage." She's not sure if he even remembers what love is. He'll never understand the extent of her love for him. She'd die for him, a hundred times over.
"That's not true, Lizzy."
It's a test in his eyes; she can tell. She holds her ground, but doesn't call him out for the nickname. "If it weren't demanded for your social class to be married to someone of upstanding background, you'd have dumped me. Admit it."
Her tone is challenging. He says nothing, which, for some reason, hurts more than she thinks it would if he confesses.
The silence is heavy as Elizabeth feels herself dying slowly. Painfully.
"Don't call off our engagement, Lizzy," he says finally. And he never answered. It's as painful as if he shot her in the heart.
"If that's what you need. I'd… I'd do anything for you." And she's being completely honest. She glances at Sebastian. His smile is like poisoned honey.
Ciel nods shortly. "You can leave now," he offers.
She's actually not sure if it's an offer or a demand.
She looks at him, desperation leaking through. "Ciel Phantomhive, if what you want is a wife who never speaks to you, who'd do anything for you still, who you never need to see… I'll be her. If you want a wife only because it's required and wish you could pretend she doesn't exist, I could live with that. As long as it makes you happy." Her stare holds promise and dares him to say something.
He meets her gaze but remains silent, until she turns to go.
"Just be yourself, Lizzy. I'll live with it." His tone is sharp, yet resigned. Lizzy's eyes water.
Live with it. Not enjoy it. Just bear it.
She doesn't look back as she leaves, followed by Sebastian.
"He'll never accept me," she whispers, still knowing that Sebastian will hear.
He says nothing. Absolutely nothing.
And Lizzy breaks down crying.