Emotions
By Dagmar De Meyer
Disclaimer : All belongs to TPTB at Paramount! I'm just using the mentioned below to play in my mindtwists.
Rated : G
Summary : Epiloge to a Voyager episode, my way. Emotions can be very powerful even for a Captain who always likes to be in controle and to a Lieutenant who lives to hide them.
"I have thought about having children, but not with you!"
That's what she had told him, and meant it too. She had looked him straight in the eye, Captain's Mask in place, both fighting the feelings of guilt she was sure they both felt.
Because the children were real, it was no longer a thought, a wish…. Kathryn Janeway was a mother now. Then why was she speeding away from that, which would make her whole?
A band of heavy emotions was wrapped around her heart. So many, …, tears fell freely down her cheeks. Her quarters were dark and empty, how alone she felt. The Doctor had been right, the feelings and memories of the last 10 days would fade away, until only the computer logs would give her a clue as to how it had all happened and how she had felt. The light on her computer was still blinking, she hadn't closed it down, couldn't end it. That meant she would have made up her mind when she hadn't. Chakotay's words echoed through her mind, "I decided it was better to leave the life forms in their natural habitat."
Life forms? I decided, he decided… was it his decision to make? She felt so alone, cold, guilty, yet she couldn't move, hadn't ordered the ship to turn around. What was she waiting for?
When the Doctor had released them to their quarters, she had fought the natural feelings of accompanying Tom, 'No Lieutenant Paris', not Tom he would never be her Tom. How could he be? Again those doubts returned to her already jumbled mind.
Three, triplets, three girls according to the Doctor … very healthy. Her girls, Tom's girls, their daughters. Still Voyager continued on its course home, not stopping, not looking back, unaware of the war that was raging in its Captain.
Slowly she removed her blue sickbay gown and changed into her own nightgown. Although her quarters were far from cold, she shivered getting into bed, wrapping the sheets around her. Exhausted as she was, sleep didn't come as she stared out into the depths of space.
"I have thought about having children, but not with you."
That's what she had said, looking him in the eye, not blinking and although her Captain's Mask was in place, her eyes betrayed her.
What had he done? What had possessed him in taking his Captain? Why not someone else? No, he remembered the strong feelings he had had. He had been searching, waiting for her. His memory was like a sieve, they were slipping away from him, still the emotions in his heart were so strong, and it was ready to explode. When 'Doc' had released them from sickbay with the words, " you both are in good health, but in need of a lot of rest", he hadn't gone to his quarters, no he had followed her to hers, …, at a distance so she wouldn't see. How he wanted to be with her right now. For what, she had no need of him or for their children. A sharp pain shot through his heart, one of anger and guilt. Anger at her for allowing, agreeing with Chakotay's decision. Ha, the good old Commander, doing it in the best interest of the crew and ship? ! What would three little girls do that could be so bad for a ship? Oh, how he wanted to be angry with her, … but she wasn't the only one to blame! The feeling of guilt was even stronger; yet here he was dangling from a holographic cliff, with the safeties off, ready to plunge to his death if he let go. Would she feel sorrow if he did? His death wouldn't help his girls.
Slowly but determined he pulled himself up and climbed the last few meters to the top. Breathing heavily he pushed himself to his feet ad started running, calling for the arch as he went, tossing his combadge over his shoulder.
He had made his decision, no one would be able to stop him, not even her.
She bolted upright, catching her breath and listening to her heart pound. What had woken her so suddenly? A scream still echoed through her head, a scream of fright, terror almost. In her heart she knew whom it had belonged too, her children, something was wrong, very wrong.
"Computer locate Lieutenant Paris!'
"Lieutenant Paris is in Holodeck 1."
The holodeck? What would he be doing on the holodeck? Picking up her combadge she headed for the door when her computer screen caught her attention … he wasn't on the holodeck, he was in the shuttle bay. The beginning of a smile appeared on her lips. She had programmed the computer to notify her for this occasion. Oh, how she had hoped for this. She had to hurry!
He went crashing to the floor when his head was filled with screams. Trying hard to block them out he got back to his feet and started running again. He had to be careful, but he had to hurry before it was too late.
The shuttle bay was dark and empty.
"Lights", he ordered.
Before him stood three shuttles with his Cochrane at the end. He went over and looked at it. B'Elanna had already started taking it apart, repair crews working on it. And although they weren't going to test the Warp 10 fiasco again they'd still need answers as to what had happened. How long he stood there lost in thought he couldn't tell, when he turned away from Cochrane, which he couldn't take this time, he found her standing behind him. Not far but not to close. She looked radiant in her nightgown, yet vulnerable and afraid. She had been crying, he could tell. Fighting the urge to take her in his arms together with the anger he still felt towards her, he stood there taking her in.
He looked so lost to her standing there lost in thought, looking at what he worked for so hard. She almost turned around and left him to it. That was not an option, she had to talk to him, make him understand.
Turning on his heels he walked to the shuttle.
"Lieutenant Paris."
He didn't answer; he waited for the door to open with his back to her.
"Tom, please."
Tom? She had called him Tom. After a minute of uncomfortable silence he turned, stepping so close she could feel his body heat.
"Don't do it."
"Is that an order?"
"I can make it one."
"I won't follow it."
A sad smile played around her lips.
"That answer was to be expected."
"Then why ask it!"
"To make you do this on your own, without me forcing you."
The anger boiled up again, if his eyes could kill she'd be dead now. How could she say that? Did she really not understand? Couldn't she feel them, hear them cry?
Another scream pierced the air; he bent over putting his hands to his ears, to no avail for the scream was inside him not around him. As suddenly as it had begun it had ended and he felt like before as if it hadn't happened. Then he saw her, not standing but lying curled up in a ball near his feet, tears streaming from her eyes.
"You hear them to don't you?"
She just looked at him, a sad smile through her tears.
"Yes", she whispered getting back to her feet, grateful for his help.
"I have to go back Captain! I … we have no choice."
"I know. I was hoping you'd say that."
Puzzlement showed on his face, his beautiful blue eyes full of questions. How much she loved those blues. The thought scared her! Did she just say love? The fear ebbed away as she realized that she did. She loved him, she was sure.
Slowly she stepped away out of his embrace, trying to get a bit of her Captain's composure back. She looked at the shuttle, inviting them in, all ready for take off. No, not like this.
"We'll get them back. Not like this."
She reached out and held his hand.
"Can you be patient for a little while longer?"
"They need us now."
"Yes, they do and were coming for them. In style"
She laughed, for the first time in a long time she laughed, really laughed and he was there to see it.
Releasing his hand she touched her combadge.
"Captain to the bridge."
"Chakotay here. Captain, are you all right?"
"I'm fine Commander. There has been a change of plans."
"Captain?"
"Turn the ship around Commander, were going back warp 9."
"But … Captain?"
"No buts Commander. That's an order. Janeway out."
He was still looking at her, not knowing what to say.
The silence was uncomfortable to them both; neither really knew what to say. Taking a deep breath he stepped even closer to her, gently pulling her closer to him. Heavenly blues met piercing grays…
"Thank you." He whispered.
Her heart leaped hearing those words. She tried to reply but her words never came for he had bent down and kissed her.
The End