BIG ASS TRIGGER WARNING: ASSAULT, ALCHOL, SELF HARM

"Ok so I decided that I would write this as one big long chapter but it's more like 3-5, sorry guys it should still be alright, like at least it's complete and you aren't waiting weeks for chapters. Pity me with my first story and give lots of feedback"

"BEEP BEEP BEEP". as my alarm went off and I awoke I could feel the sweat sliding down my body. I had that nightmare again, the one about that day... how could I have been so stupid?! Was it my fault he rapped me? could I really have stopped him? These questions knocked around in my brain. They'd been there since it happened. I was only 13 at the time and at 17 I still can't trust a single person. I looked at the time, it read 6:00am. It was time to get up, shower, eat, get dressed, and see how my new school was. After rummaging through everything I owned I finally found my binder. Since the incident I didn't want people to know I really identified as a girl part of me thought I would get less harassment. With my long mousy red/brown hair covered with a wig, my binder on, and my cold mismatched eyes staring at the door, it was time to leave. My custom motorcycle got me to school, and I could already tell I was going to die here.

I walked in and was practically attacked by a small old women. "hello" I said cautiously. "And who might you be young lad?" the old women asked. "My name is Robin, I'm the new here" I replied. "Ah, well your paperwork is done so go into the student council room just there and get your schedule" She said walking away. I walked into the room to find a prissy blonde boy. "I'm Robin, I'm here for my schedule" I said to the Blonde. "Hi, my name is Nathaniel. I have your schedule right here" he responded slightly irritated. I grabbed the sheet and left the room. My first period was biology, then music, spare, and math. I walked up the stairs and entered the science lab where I was required to introduce myself and pick an open seat. I chose the seat next to a young man dressed as if he was in the 16th century. I learned his name was Lysander, and he was to be my lab partner the rest of the semester. The class went on and we were giving a project to explain photosynthesis. "I know you're lying" Lysander said to me. "Excuse me?" I answered perplexed. " You're a girl" He whispered in my ear. Now panicking "what are you on?" "I won't tell as long as when we're working on our project you don't hide it from me, come as yourself" He said calmly. "Fine" I said flatly. Time passed, Lysander and I decided he would come to my apartment each day until the work was complete. The rest of the class was uneventful, time passed and I found myself in a music class.

Once again forced to introduce myself and that had finally ended I sat behind what passed as a piano. The teacher invited me to "show of my talents". The keyboard gave me a chance to really screw around with people, creating a drum beat, bass line, rhythm guitar, and what ever else I improvised. By the end I was singing along.

I'm on the train that's pullin' the sick and twisted

makin' the most of the ride before we get arrested

we're all wasted but we're not goin' home tonight~

covered in black we lack our social graces

just like an animal we crawl out of our cages

so write your name is gasoline

and set the shit on fire

The teacher coughed telling me I should stop before I said some more offensive to him. After my little performance everyone went back to their seat and we studied music theory. I was still sitting at the back of the room when I noticed Lysander in another one of my classes. This time he seemed very different being around the fiery redhead who could keep his eyes off my hands while I played. "Hey, Robin. Come here" Lysander said gesturing. "Why should I you peasant?" I said jokingly moving my things to sit with them. "So Robin Hood, how long have you played?" exclaimed the redhead. "I'm not sure but longer than you were dumb founded watching" I retorted. "And it's just Robin. Not Robin Hood. Got it?" " Alright" he said. I soon found out that Castiel played Guitar and Lysander was in a band with him. The three of us started to get along quite nicely. By lunch I was already exhausted, thank god I had a spare next period. Lunch was filled with music banter between me and Cas for Lysander had something else to do. I thought I might as well get to know Castiel. "How long have you lived here?" I asked. "My whole life" he responded. "Why so curious?" " I was just making conversation" I answered. " I could have easily said do you want to come help me work on my baby." " Excuse you?!" he said confused. " "I have this custom motorcycle, and she's due for a looking over" I replied. "Alright his simple answer.

As Castiel and I spent more and more time together, be it working on my bike, talking about music, or even just hanging out on the roof, we started to become very close. This worried me. Did I like him? Would he be furious if I ever told him the truth? Thoughts ran though my brain like a freight train. I did have time to think about it now though today was the last day Lysander would be coming over. I got home let my natural hair out, took off my binder, and put on clothes that suited who I really was. "Hey Ly, are you going to just stand there or are you coming to come in?" I asked as I opened the door. "Sorry, I just forgot how pretty you are when you're you" he said. "I've decided I want to take pictures off you in your regular outfits." "What?!" I asked quite scared. "I want to remember how you look when you're yourself" he said. With a frightened nod I told him ok and I began putting on outfit, after outfit for him to photograph. It was actually a lot of fun. Lysander left and my thoughts of Castiel still ran through my head.

Castiel's pov:

What the hell is wrong with me? What is it about him I like so much? We're just friends aren't we? I've never been gay before. I didn't want the thoughts about Robin, it could ruin our friendship. I decided to drink. And drink. And drink. I needed sleep and this was the only way I knew how. It didn't make a big difference though.

"Ding Dong" the doorbell rang. I looked at my clock it read 7:15am. Who the fuck would be at my door this early? It was Robin. He looked very anxious and I invited him in my house. "What's wrong" I asked. "I've got something I need to tell you" Robin answered. Without another word Robin kissed me. The kiss turned into kissing. Forceful and passionate. I threw him on my couch. The kissing became groping soft as Robin was blushing uncontrollably. Robin started kissing and biting my neck causing me to sigh with pleasure. The kissing became biting and Robin continued up back to my mouth. He begun licking me. "Bark, Bark." I awoke. "Demon" I yelled. I guess I have to do something about this, if I don't questioned will be asked.

Robin's pov:

"Bing" my computer went. Lysander had sent me all the pictures he took from the previous day. I grabbed our project and caught the bus. It would have been kinda hard to get there on my bike with a bristle board. I got to the school and saw Cas. "Hey, what's up?" I said a little too happy to see him. "I have to go" he said as he ran off. I wasn't sure what was up with him but I decided to leave it alone and see if he was ok during music. Bio started and Lysander and I presented our project. It was great compared to the other projects. The bell went and I scurried off to music, longing to see Castiel. I got in the room and decided to play a song before class started.

Evil-knockin' at my door

Evil-makin' me its whore

I don't mind

If you take what's yours but give me mine

Evil wants you to know am much too young to be owned

I don't mind if you take what's yours but give me mine

I was interrupted by the sound of the acoustic guitar part that was shockingly being played. It was Cas. I guess he was just having a bit of an off day. either way it made me happy that he knew the song and could actually play the part. The teacher came in and class started but Castiel didn't sit where he usually did. Lysander and I were left alone him with others. Our teacher decided to surprise us with a pop quiz and when we finished we could leave. I finished within 10 minutes being far more advanced in theory than what the class thought. I walked off and went to math. For some reason every other day afternoon classes switched. In math we covered sinusoidal functions. It was quite a drag. Today I ended up partned with Nathaniel, he was a priss but he was also very nice. "Hello, Robin. How've you been?" He said in high spirits. "I'm alright, and yourself" I said trying to be polite. " I'm well, are things going well at the school?" He was now being intrusive. "Fine" I said flatly. Hearing my tone we returned to our math. At the end of the period we were given a project to do with whom ever we worked with today. Nathaniel and I decided he would come to my house on account of his bratty sister. My spare came and I decided to go home. On the bus I begun thinking of Castiel. Him touching me and blushing, when I got home I knew I would have to do something about it.

I walked in my door and immediately took my hair out, my binder off and started groping myself. I ran a hot bath and turned on the jets of the tub. I stepped in the tub and shuttered at the warmth it felt so nice. Placing myself carefully the jets hit my clit and pounded inside me. Moaning and playing my chest I thought of Castiel. If those had been his hands and if he'd been ponding inside my body. My body calmed down but I was still unable to climax. I stepped out of the shower and put towels around me. I opened the door to find a scared and very embarrassed Nathaniel. "Get out" I screamed. "I'm so sorry" Nathaniel said bowing his head. I slammed the door and ran into my room. Quickly I put on the first clothes I could find. Nathaniel knocked at the door. "Robin, may I speak with you?" "ummm... I guess" I said opening the door. "So the project" he said. "Yeah, what was it you were talking about the first time?" I asked. "Well we have to come up with a question so, I thought it could answer a riddle at the end" He said. " Sure, that's fine. But please leave now" I answered. "If it's any consolation, you make a beautiful young woman, and I won't breathe a word" he said waving goodbye.

Nathaniel's pov:

Robin's a girl... Robin is a girl... Robin is a pretty girl...Well it's late and I'll see him, her, them? tomorrow. I saw her, the real her. Wearing nothing but a towel water rolling down her skin. She was so hot. I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, now that I was rock hard. I took off my clothes and laid down in my bed. Pumping myself slowly I closed my eyes and imagined Robin. She was wearing short kimono, that she slowly untied to reveal her perfect body to me. As she crawled in my bed I felt my face get red. I sped up my hand. I imagined her soft lips around my tip, she plunged my dick inside her mouth over and over. She stopped just for a moment and mounted me. my hand sped up, my face turning, I holding back moans. I imagined her tight, and so soft. She was nice and wet and began riding me. I imagined her chest and how it was moving from such a safe speed. She was moaning and as I thought of her squeezing around me I came. I cleaned myself up and went to bed. I prayed that I wouldn't be like this tomorrow.

Robin's pov:

Morning... Gross. Well at least it's Friday. I got dressed and I went to school. Hoping Nathaniel hadn't said anything and that Castiel wouldn't be so crabby today. I got to school an hour early to finish off my half of the math and give it to Nathaniel. Suddenly I was jumped. "Ahh!" I screamed. "Calm down Robin, it's just me Lysander" Lysander chuckled. "I came to ask if you wanted to go to a party. You could actually come as you and I could introduce you as my friend from out of town." "Will Cas be there?" I asked. "Probably, seeing as we have a gig there. I was thinking you could sing in my place?" He told me. "OK, but keep an eye on me. I've never been to good at parties" I said blushing. The day seemed to drag on. I felt so alone that day. Lysander had to go see his brother and Castiel didn't show up that day. Nathaniel was so awkward during math that I finally told him I was pansexual and he just didn't have the personality I was interested in, and that he should think about asking melody out. She fawns over him all the time. Finally it was the end of the day. I got home, ran upstairs, ripped off my clothes, hopped in the shower, got out, did my hair in a long braid, my bangs hanging out, a metal spike attached to the bottom, put on my "REMOVE THE DANGER" muscle shirt, dark grey leather short, shorts, my 36 hole black suede lace up high heels, and finally my gas mask around my neck. Now all that was left was to wait for Lysander to pick me up.

"Ding Dong" my door bell rang. Almost breaking my neck I ran to the door to see Lysander waiting for me. "Damn" he said. "Why didn't I get a picture of that outfit earlier?" He took a picture of me. "I may have been saving this one for Cas" I said looking at the floor. We went downstairs and I got into his car. Eventually we arrived at a monster of a house. The moment we walked in I expected chaos, but no one was there yet. We started setting up the equipment Castiel arrived. "Who's this?" he said. "This is my friend Robin from out of town my throat hurts and I can't sing, so she's gonna do it" he replied trying to sound sick. "You could have at least told me before hand" he said angrily. "Lysander I'm ready for the sound check" I said. "Just start singing angel" he said. I started singing random things that sort of turned into an operatic cadenza. We finished setting up and people filled the house. We performed for a few hours.

Head lights, red lights, got it in my sights

Nothing's in my way, No sound, Hush now

Push the pedal down, go no time to waste

It's long way home, you just crossed a boarder line

When I say go, You better hold on tight

I don't know how to stop, I give it all I got

It's like my breaks are shots, I gotta have too much

I don't know how to stop, gets Crazy but so what

You know it's what you want so give it up

And don't be scared of how good it feels

At 11pm we finished and we could enjoy the rest of the party. "Hey, I'm sorry if I overstepped" I said to Castiel. "Whatever, Ly does that. Where are you from?" he asked. "Here and there my parents moved a lot" I told him. "How long are you staying?" he asked. "Just tonight really" I answered feeling bad that I'd been lying to him. "That's a shame you have a really good taste in music. I was hoping to talk some more" he blushed. " Here, it's my cell number so we can still talk after I'm gone" I smiled. Lysander grabbed Castiel when the host wanted to talk to them about payment. I walked around grabbed a drink. Eventually I ran into Nathaniel. Who was already drunk. "Robin?" he questioned. "Yea, shut up you shouldn't know me." I whispered. Nathaniel continued on his way and I ran into the one person I never wanted to see again. I don't know why he was there but he didn't remember me. My rapist started to chat me up, and I froze. Fortunately his new girlfriend found him and gave him hell for flirting with me. I ran and found a washroom. I desperately tried to not have a panic attack but to no avail. The tears ran down my face, the heavy breathing, the shaking, and finally my pocket knife came out. I needed a fast was to calm down so that I could leave the bathroom and get Lysander to drive me home.

I took a calming breathe as I touched the metal to my arm, it was cold. I made line, after line. My arm was now dripping red into the sink. Someone knocked on the door. I got scared. "Just a minute" I called out. "Robin are you ok?" It was Castiel's voice. "Yea, some asshole just spilled something on my clothes" I answered with the first lie I could come up with. I cleaned up the bathroom and bandaged my arm. luckily I brought a spare pair of clothes and some makeup. I covered up my red face with foundation and put on a sweater so that Castiel wouldn't see the bandage on my arm. I came out of the bathroom. "Where's Lysander? I'd like to go" I asked. "We'll go find him" he said grabbing my arm. I choked back the pain of his hand tugging on my fresh cuts. He stopped and looked at his hand. Cas noticed the blood running from my sleeve and the blood on his hand. "I'm so sorry, did I hurt you?" he asked. "It's fine, don't worry about it" I replied pulling away. "Follow me" he requested. I followed and we went to a part of the house no one was in. "Let me see" he said. I gave him my arm shaking. He removed my sweater, and bandage. "Geez, you really did a number on yourself" he said calmly. Castiel fished gauze from my bag and bandaged my arm properly. I started to tear up. "You don't need to do that" he told me. "But do you want to tell me why?" I nodded and responded. "I saw the guy that raped me when I was 13. He didn't recognize me and started flirting. The only reason I got away from him was because his girlfriend gave him an earful" Castiel gave me a hug and told me everything would be ok, that not all guys did that kind of thing. Him for instances. I gave myself courage and kissed him softly. "I can't" he said. "You'll be gone tomorrow and I have feelings for someone" his words shattered my heart. "Please take me to Lysander so that he may take me home. We walked back to the crowd. Lysander took me back to my apartment. We were silent the whole trip.

Monday came and it was already time for the summer vacation, starting a school half way through a year really does go by fast. I walked in the door and was excited to have almost 3 months off. Bio was pretty fun because instead of doing nothing our teacher brought out unused materials from his chemistry class and we set many things a flame. By second period I felt a pit in my stomach know Castiel would still be avoiding me. "Finally the last day" Castiel said to Lysander and I. "Yeah, do you have any plans over the break?" I asked. "I don't really know" he said. "How about you Ly?" Castiel said. I'll be going wherever Rosala and Leigh decide to take me" he said to us. "And you sir Robin Hood?" Lysander asked teasing me. "I was thinking I'd take a long trip but I haven't decided yet" I responded. Lysander left Cas and I while he went to speak with the teacher. "Robin, can I see you on the roof after class?" Castiel asked. "Sure" I told him. the rest of class was spent watching a movie.

Lunch came and I went up to the roof like Castiel had asked of me. He was already waiting there looking very anxious and uneasy. I gave him a minute to calm himself before asking why he wanted to meet me up here. "Close your eyes" he said. As I leaned against the railing of the roof I obeyed his my surprise it wasn't an awful joke he was playing on me but he kissed me. I responded positively. "Castiel, I'm a bit confused I thought..." he cut me off. "I am but when it comes to you I guess I'm not" he said. "Did you want to go back to doing that?" I asked. "I'm not sure. You see last time I was in a relationship she was manipulative, and treated me like shit. But I loved her so I stayed. I still love her even though she left me, and hurt me in so many ways. I'm afraid to hurt you too" he told me very worried. "I have something I need to tell you too, but I can't do it here. Would you mind coming to my apartment?" I asked. "I can do that" he said to me. With that I handed him a slip of paper with my address on it and wondered off to my next class. The conversation about Deborah, Castiel's ex girlfriend lasted most of the lunch and my spare. In math Nathaniel and I talked about how bad he felt at the party, and that him and melody were going to go on a date after school today. I thought it was nice those two finally started dating.

The bell rang and I rushed out of class I collected what was left in my locker and bolted to the parking lot. I jumped on my motorcycle and sped home. I got in the door and immediately took a shower. Knowing where I hoped it would go with Castiel I shaved my well waist down and pits for my preference, Washed my body with a scrubby loofa, and washed my hair. Proceeding my shower I blow dried and straightened my hair, put it back up into my wig and got dressed in some new clothes. The doorbell rang. "Come in Castiel" I said. "So what was it you wanted to tell me?" he asked I pulled his arm and made him follow me to my room. I made him it on my bed and told him to watch. First I took off my pants, revealing my freshly shaved legs and dark blue jean shorts. Next, I took off my wig showing him my real hair, completely out not in a braid like at the party. Finally I turned around and took off my binder. I then grabbed the bra on my dresser and put it on. I waited for Castiel to say something.

Castiel's pov:

"You're a girl?!" I said slightly angry. "Yes" Robin responded. I sat brooding in silence a moment while thoughts ran through my head. Robin is a girl, she's a girl and didn't tell me for almost 6 months. She lied to me when I "met" her at the party. She got raped when she was 13, she hurt herself because of it. I REJECTED HER AT THE PARTY WHEN SHE KISSED ME! I need to say something, I can't just sit here in silence. "Were the things you said at the party true?" I asked. "Yes. I've only ever lied to you about my gender Cas, never anything I ever told you about my interests, likes, or actions" Robin responded. "I'm not sure how to act around you, or what you want" I told her. "I want you. I want to be with you. You make me feel comfortable. I want to trust you" She told him. I stood up and pulled her towards me. As we were lying on the bed I could feel my face heat up. "Can I kiss you?" I asked. "Always" she smiled. I gave her a gentle kiss. The kiss turned into kissing at her response. I tried my best to hide my erection. She made me feel alive I couldn't really stop it from happening.

Robin's pov:

I could feel my heart beat grow faster with each passing moment. I became wet very fast and could feel the bump growing in Castiel's pants. I moved my lips away and began kissing and biting his neck, his grip tightened around me. I pulled up on his shirt gesturing for him to remove it. He was much more muscular than I thought my kisses started moving down his chest. He shivered. I got to his belt and stopped. My lips once again met his. Being the tease he was Cas decided to beat me at my own game. He took off my shirt and bra, and started licking my chest. I shivered and moaned slightly when his hand rubbed over my pants. He stopped. "Please don't stop" I begged. "You have to tell what you want" he said flicking my nipple. "Please finger me" I said shaking. say my words came out he took off my shorts and started rubbing over my underwear. "You're very wet aren't you?" he asked teasing me by staying outside. "Shut up I haven't been with a guy in a long while, not to mention one I liked this much" I responded. "You've been with girls?" he questioned. "Yes, I'm not exactly straight" I answered. The notion that I'd been with girls really turned him on and he finally put his fingers in me. I moaned loudly he knew exactly what I liked and his fingers were bigger than my own. I pulled his hand away and he put his fingers in his mouth. I removed the belt from his pants and pulled them down.

My hand started pumping him and he let out a pleasure filled sigh. It'd had been a while since Castiel had been with someone he cared about. my hand eventually turned into my mouth. Castiel grabbed my hair. He moaned and held on for the ride. My head bobbing up and down, up and down. I changed my speed every once in a while, also going deeper or pulling away to lick his tip, quickly plunging myself back into him. He pulled me away. "I'm not sure in you want it in your mouth or not and I'm really close" he said bashfully. My mouth wrapped back around him, following his signals for speed and depth. I swallowed more than I was expecting. He removed my face and flipped up my legs. Taking a moment to ask my permission he started eating me out. He knew exactly what I wanted, switching between biting my clit softly and plunging his tongue inside my body. He came up for air "did you want to?" he asked me. "I do, but I'll probably freak out and have a panic attack" I answered ashamed. He noticed I was shaking, not from pleasure but fear. "How about we stop here?" he asked. "Thank you" I replied. "Where did you want to go on that trip?" He asked. "Patagonia, on the condition that you come with me" I said to him. "Where the hell is that?" he asked. "Patagonia is in Chile. There is whitewater rafting, mountain climbing, animals, and a nice resort I found" I told him. "I'll go if it means I get you alone all summer" he said biting my shoulder.

I planned the trip and we were off. The plane ride was a complete snore but at least I was with Castiel. In a remote country. By myself. We finally arrived to the resort and found that our room was massive. We had a bath almost the size of a pool, with jets, a king sized bed and animals were everywhere. I decided I would take advantage of the tub and have a hot bath. I filled the massive tub and turned on the jets. Like always I used the jets to masturbate seeing as Castiel had decided to have a nap. They were stronger than the ones at home and felt better, I couldn't help but moan. I didn't hear Castiel when he walked into the bathroom. "There no need for that I'm right here" he said to me stripping of his clothes. It was the first time I saw all of him at once. He stepped into the hot water and placed me on his lap. He started slowly entering me with his fingers and went for it generously. With his other hand he played with my clit. It was the first time I'd ever felt that much pleasure. I came almost screaming. Castiel felt the liquid racing from my body. "So you squirt then" he said teasingly. "Well, ummm... that was kind of ummmm... my first orgasm..." I said embarrassed. "Don't worry, there will be more I promise" he told me. With that Castiel and I finished our bath and decided we should take a nap.

I couldn't believe we'd been there almost a month. We'd covered almost everything I wanted to do while we were there. The only thing left was to finally have sex with Castiel. I'd been wanting him the whole time but I knew I wasn't ready yet. But today I finally was. I made sure to pack a special outfit for the occasion. It was a black and purple bra with cross stitching, matching underwear, a matching garter, and thigh high socks to finish it off. While Cas we in the bathroom I slipped on the outfit tied up my ridiculously long hair, and waited under the covers. Castiel came out of the bathroom and just in bed not noticing quite yet what I was wearing. When he finally wrapped his rams around my middle he noticed he was touching my skin. Castiel pulled back the covers and revealed my outfit. He immediately became rock hard. He gave me a puppy dog look to ask if he could take off his clothes. I gestured yes.

"Cas, I want to" I said boldly. "You want to what?" he asked. "I want to have sex with you" I said determined and angry that he made me say it. "As long as you're sure" he told me. I nodded and he started to get my body ready. Cas was bigger than most guys and wanted this to be a pleasurable experience. We started to get me as wet a he could, touching and rubbing me. He began fingering me. He started with 2 and eventually moved up to 3, when I could take the width of 3 of his fingers he started eating me out to add more lubricant. By the time he'd done all this all I was wearing were the thigh high socks. "You're sure" He asked. I nodded and began putting himself inside me. There was pain but it didn't hurt me it felt really good. I could feel the base of me tarring but I didn't care. Castiel got all the way in and rested a moment. It began to move himself slowly, in and out of my body. I'd used vibrators before, just nothing as big as him, still the speed wasn't doing it for me.

I took over rolling him on his back and began moving much faster it took him a minute to adjust to the pleasure he was feeling. "Try that again and there'll be hell to pay" he said getting his barrings back. He swiftly put me on my knees and started ramming into me. I had to hold onto the bed frame for support. Both of us were loudly moaning as I squeezed around Castiel. "Can we switch positions? I want to be in your arms" I asked. He stopped moving and pulled me towards him as he sat down. I spun around and was sitting on his lap. We began moving again this time slowly. Castiel started groping and sucking on my chest I eventually brought his face away from my chest and up for a kiss which quickly turned into me sucking on his neck. I felt him get even harder as I was thrown to my back once more. I could feel Castiel focus on my pleasure and having me orgasm again. He would get me so close then let me down, this cycle kept repeating till with both couldn't take it anymore. I came screaming while he was quite silent, letting out a held breath when it was over. "I love you Robin" He said. "And I you Castiel" I said kissing him. I decided that the next year I would enroll at the school as a girl.