Finding Center

by lachlanrose

Logan has a theory. Things fall into place - but not the way he was expecting. "See, that's the problem with theories, once you got one they're a real bitch to keep from thinkin' on, 'specially when you're on the road as much as I was back then."

Title: Finding Center
Author: lachlanrose
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never were. Never will be. So, sue me and you'll regret it, bub.
Feedback: Sure. I'm feeling lucky today. ;)
Summary: Logan has a theory. Things fall into place - but not the way he was expecting.
Notes: Don't you just love it when you have a fic you really want to finish and you just can't 'cause other bunnies just keep jumping to the head of the line? Grrr... Thanks to the usual suspects for the beta.

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Finding Center

"Shhh. You just sleep a little now. It's alright, I gotcha." Gonna hold ya real close and watch over ya a bit. Gonna rub your back some too. Real soft, just how ya like it. "You just sleep now." I ain't tired yet, but you go right on ahead an' drift off. I always love it when you're sleepin' on my chest like that an' I know it makes ya feel real safe. Protected. I love that I can be that for ya, darlin'. Makes me feel real good inside.

"I'm here. I gotcha. I'll make sure nothin' bad happens to ya, kid. That's right." Little rubbin' and those beautiful eyes are startin' to close. Heh. Yup, I know just what she likes. "You just go on ahead an' sleep." I don't mind holdin' ya a while. I got some things on my mind tonight. Havin' ya close in the dark like this is good for sortin' out my thoughts, 'specially on nights like this. Besides, smellin' ya, feelin' ya close, is just plain good for my heart. Always has been. Right from the beginnin'.

I usedta not do this too much - thinkin' 'bout life, thinkin' 'bout the future. Mostly I was just survivin' back then, fightin,' drinkin', searchin'. Always searchin'. When I was thinkin', it was 'bout the past... 'bout findin' the answers to questions I didn't even know to ask. Fuck, I'd been searchin' so long, spendin' so much time lookin' for the man I was, that for a while there I kinda lost track of the man I am. I ain't real proud 'bout that, but there it is.

Time - it ain't real important for someone like me. Never was. People change, seasons change but I never do, at least not in a noticeable kinda way. It ain't real surprisin' that one day I looked up an' realized fifteen years had somehow managed to pass me by.

Hmphf. That shit gets to messin' with ya after a while. Changes ya real deep inside. Makes ya off balance. Off center. When there's nothin' to anchor you, ya just... drift. That's what I was doin' when I ran inta her. Driftin'. I didn't really care one way or the other anymore as long as nobody fucked with me. I wasn't lookin' to make friends and I sure as hell wasn't lookin' for what found me that day. Hell, no.

I'm still kinda in awe 'bout that a little bit. I mean, for a man who'd been alone a long fuckin' time, hookin' up with her brought a whole lotta unexpected shit my way. Fast. To be honest, it kinda screwed with my head pretty good in the beginnin'. I mean hell, one minute I'm a man who ain't let anyone close in all of the years I can remember and the next minute I'm promisin' to take carea this sweet little thing with these big soft eyes that just saw right inta the heart of me and a mouth that made me think lotsa shit I had no business thinkin' 'bout someone I just promised to look out for.

It didn't stop there, though. No, the shit just kept right on comin'. When it rains, it pours. Story of my damn life. Anyway, from that moment on, things just started goin' from bad to worse. Talk about your shit storms. You know, 'cept for what happened to me - the experiments 'n shit - my life, at least the parts I remember anyway, really hadn't been all that eventful up until then. It was only when the shit hit the fan that I really noticed how much I'd drifted.

All of a sudden, stuff is goin' on 'round me like a whirlwind. More than you could imagine. Trust me on that one. I just couldn't get my balance. That's when I first noticed it - the stillness that surrounded her. The whole fuckin' world was crashin' down around me but I felt this real peaceful feelin' when she was near me. I dunno how to explain it, really. Sorta like in all that chaos, she was this calm in the eye of the storm. It just settled inta me, real deep, real quiet. Just like that.

I didn't really think on that much at the time. I sorta had a whole lotta other stuff going on just then. Fightin' my way through that overgrown hairball ta get to Marie. I don't mind admittin' it; her screamin' just about broke me. I thought nothin' could ever be worse than the sounda her scared and in pain like that - 'till that screamin' stopped. That hit me hard. Real hard. Right in the chest. Felt like I aged a hundred lifetimes before I finally got up to her and cut her outta that fuckin' thing.

Nothin' in this world was as bad as touchin' her and not feelin' that pull. Nothin'. Everythin' faded away 'till it was just me holdin' her and for the first time I could remember, I could feel tears comin' outta me from somewhere inside. Somewhere I didn't even know I had left. She felt so small, so fragile an' somethin' deep down in me broke. I pulled her close, willin' her to take everythin' from me if she hadta, just as long as she lived... and then slow, real slow, I felt it.

Hurt like holy hell. Sucked me dry, too, but it saved her life. I kinda like knowin' her heart beats and she draws breath 'cause she took that outta me. I don't know if it's possessive bullshit or what, but some part of me feels this real deep satisfaction that her heart beats 'causea what I did. Nobody else coulda done that. Just me. She knows it. I know it. Her heart beats for me and that's just the way we like it. It ain't ever gonna change, either.

I know she still feels bad about it. 'Bout hurtin' me like that. I'd do it again though, in a heartbeat, 'cause there just ain't a Logan without a Marie. Not anymore. She knows that, too. She knows I'd give my life for her just like I know she'd give hers for me.

It surprised me some, realizin' I needed that. I mean, I thought that 'causea the way I am that her bein' willin' to do that would piss me off or somethin'. Don't get me wrong here, I ain't sayin' I want her in danger or nothin'. There's only one Marie and I'm gonna make damn sure nothin' bad happens to her. Ever.

Up 'till now, everyone always took the attitude that just 'cause I heal, it's ok to let me get hurt - to take whatever shit the enemy can dish out 'cause when the dust settles, I'll be back to my old self just as soon as the healin' kicks in. Marie was the only one to see that it takes somethin' outta me to do that - to let them hurt my body to save someone else.

She's the only one willin' to lay down her life for the unkillable man and I need that. I need it. I don't want her to ever have to do it, but somethin' in me needs to know she would. If that makes me a dickhead, then fine. I am one. It's just how I'm built.

With all of the shit that's happened to me, I have a real hard time trustin' people. Pretty much it's just her. And that's why. I'd lay it on the line for her and she'd do the same for me. 'Course I'm the only one that gets to prove it. Heh. Done it twice now. She don't get to prove it to me though. Hell no. Danger and Marie - two things I wanna keep as far apart as possible. Doesn't matter though. She don't need to prove it to me. I know it down deep. So deep it's a part of me like I'm a part of her.

I didn't always have this shit figured out. Hell, no. Back then, I was still too outta balance, too off center to really get what was goin' on. In a matter of days, my life was turned all kindsa ways but up, and I did what I always do. I ran. Gave her the tags though, 'cause while I may be a little slow on the uptake - I ain't stupid. No way I was leavin' there without givin' her something to hold onto and lettin' her know I'd be back. Plus, I knew she'd wear 'em an' everyone who'd see her would know she was mine. See, what'd I tell ya? Slow not stupid. Heh.

It wasn't until after I left that I started thinkin' 'bout tryin' to find center. That line of thinkin' was kinda an accident if ya wanna know the truth. It started out with me realizin' that no matter where I found myself, I always thought of Westchester as the place I'd eventually come back to. Sorta like that old saying 'all roads lead to Rome'. Yeah, well I get it now, and for me, all roads lead back to her.

That was the first center. Little did I know how many more I'd manage to discover before I found my way back to her.

Anyway, back to Westchester bein' the center of my map. That got me to thinkin' 'bout all kindsa centers, and believe me, a long empty stretch of highway leads to a whole lotta time for thinkin'. It ain't like I was fixated on it to begin with or anythin', but it sorta crept inta my thinkin' at odd times and before I knew it, I had this theory 'bout findin' center.

See, that's the problem with theories, once you got one they're a real bitch to keep from thinkin' on, 'specially when you're on the road as much as I was back then. Like I said, drivin' an' thinkin' kinda go hand in hand - least for me anyway.

So I'm drivin' and one day I got to thinkin' 'bout how Marie made me feel all calm even when there was some pretty bad shit was goin' down and I realized how she was kinda like the center of the shit storm I'd found myself in. Which, of course, led to more thoughts 'bout Marie. Some of which I'll letcha know 'bout and some of which I'll keep to myself. Goddamn perverts. Heh.

That intimate stuff, that's just between me an' her. With the way she is 'bout touchin' and all, sex is a really big deal for her and when I'm doin' sex stuff with her, it's a really big deal for me too. Neither of us talk to other people about that sorta stuff. What happens between us stays between us. If you happen to be outside our door and you hear somethin' - well, that ain't our fault. We ain't tryin' to put on a show or nothin' but we ain't gonna hold back with each other, either. It's pretty simple; if you don't wanna hear that, then go the fuck away. We certainly ain't gonna miss ya.

Whoops, shit. Chucklin' woke her. "Sorry, darlin'. Didn't mean to wake ya. You go on back to sleep." Little more soft rubbin' on her back and she's out like a light. Heh. Can't help pressin' a kiss to the top of her head, though. Sighin' a little in her sleep now. Damn, I love that.

So, back to Marie. Well, thinkin' 'bout her bein' the center of the storm we found ourselves in, got me to thinkin' 'bout other kindsa centers. Take her, for example. With her, her heart's her center. No doubt about it. She listens to her head, but it's her heart she follows, same way I follow my gut. Works out pretty good I guess, with her center bein' her heart and mine bein' my gut. Kinda compliments each other in a way. She's strong, no question there, but she's real sweet and soft where I'm rough and hard... and I mean that in more than just the physical way - but that's a part of it too.

That ain't our only center, it's just one of 'em. We got a physical center too. Lookin' at me, mine's real obvious - my chest. That's where the weight is, that's where the power is. Gotta real broad back and lotsa muscles in my arms too. Kinda makes sense considerin' my number one job is protectin' Marie.

Now Marie's built different than me - and thank God for it, too. Heh. 'Cause, damn. Just lookin' at her gets me goin' sometimes and I just wanna grab her an- Whoa. Almost let some of that private shit slip, there. So, um... yeah, her physical center is different than mine, lower down - in her hips. You know, the more I think about it the more sense it makes. That's her center and just like me, her weight is in her center, too. Now I ain't sayin' she's fat or nothin'. It's this real good kinda weight. Sexy. She's got these amazin' curves and her hips fit just right in my hands, just right against me and under me.

There's somethin real primal 'bout it, 'bout her hips bein' her center. I dunno if it's the animal in me or the man, but there's just somethin' 'bout her hips that gets me thinkin' 'bout how ripe she is and how her scent changes when she's fertile. God, the scent of her then drives me fuckin' wild. I mean, I just gotta be close to her, touch her, make love to her. Fuck her real good too, hard and deep. I honestly don't think I could keep my hands offa her then if I tried. So I don't. She's real good about readin' me though and givin' me what I need, same as I do for her.

I get real possessive of her then too, more than regular I mean. That's definitely the animal in me, but I don't really give a shit. I always feel real possessive of her, but most of the time I can at least keep the growl from coming outta me... 'cept for then. She likes it though and I ain't about to change it, so a word of warning - come between me and her on those days and somethin's gonna get clawed.

It's real animalistic but it makes perfect sense. Nature doesn't fuck up. She's built to carry life and I'm built to protect it - to protect her and the babies we make together. Sometimes I wonder if she feels the same sense of awe 'bout my strength that I do 'bout her bein' able to carry our babies. I get a real deep sense of satisfaction from it too. I'm built the way I am so I can protect them both and she's built the way she is so she can nurture our family, me included.

There's just somethin' amazin' 'bout the way she touches me, simply 'cause she does it with so much love. Even when it's real hot an' wild there's still this deep love underneath it. Never felt anythin' like it in my whole life. The touchin' is good and the sex is fuckin' spectacular, but the love - that's the best thing. Absolutely.

So there I am, on the road in the middle of some godforsaken Canadian forest, when it hits me. All this thinkin' 'bout centers and I completely missed the whole fuckin' point. Can't see the forest for the trees. Takin' a good look around, the irony isn't lost on me. Not one damn bit. And I know when I get back to her, she's gonna appreciate it too. Heh.

Anyway, I spent all this time thinkin' 'bout the center of this and the center of that, all the time wonderin' why I was still off balance, still driftin' when the answer was right there the whole damn time. The reason I felt that peace with Marie is because she is my center. Not of my body or my mind, but of my life. She's the light to my darkness, the soft to my hard, the anchor that keeps me from driftin'.

The only thing I'm sorry 'bout is that it took me six months to realize that. Six months with no peace. Six months on the road, driftin' in the dark. Six months that I coulda been spendin' with her. Took me six days to get back.

That was six years ago. It ain't always been easy between us. We both had lotsa shit to work through and we're kinda learnin' that we'll always have shit to work through no matter what. That's just how bein' together is - but neither of us ever regret the choice we made. Not for one second.

That's the real secret. It ain't about findin' center; it's about keepin' it.

"Logan?"

Heh. Bet your mom's wonderin' where I am. I know you love sleepin' on me. Your mom does too, but it's time for you to go ta bed, darlin' so I can get back to your mom. There ya go. Cute little sigh when I put her down and cover her. Marie says she's too little to smile but I swear she does. Melts my heart every damn time, too. "G'night, darlin'."

"Hey there, sugar." Smilin'. Caught me snugglin' the little one again. Don't you worry, darlin', I got plenty of snugglin' left for my big girl too. Heh. I know she ain't really worried though. She thinks it's sweet that I get up just to hold our daughter while she sleeps. Sometimes I got so much love swirlin' 'round inside me I feel like I'm gonna bust if I can't let it out somehow. "She asleep?" I love it when her voice is all warm an' soft like that. The whisperin'-to-daddy-'cause-the-little-one-is-sleepin' voice. Whisperin' from Marie - always a good thing. Always.

"Yeah, she's good." Smilin' at me now. "Sometimes I just gotta hold her." Big soft eyes. She's comin' over now. Tuckin' herself under my arm, pressed up close as she can to my side while we watch our daughter sleep. Just gonna wrap my arm around her a little tighter. Both my girls - right here, and I'm glad I gotta be quiet cause havin' 'em close like this chokes me up sometimes.

"She's perfect, isn't she?" There's so much awe in her voice, so much love. Warms ya from the inside out. Kid's got one helluva mom, there.

"We made a beautiful baby, darlin'." In my wildest dreams I never imagined havin' anything this good. Still blows me clean away that I got lucky enough to have a shot at that kinda life. A wife and daughter. A family. God knows I ain't the best husband or father, but I always do my best to protect 'em and let 'em know how much I love 'em. Lookin' down at this new life we made together I feel this quiet peace, this love that runs down in me so deep I know I'll feel it no matter how long I live.

Soft warm hands touchin' me now. "Marie?" Beautiful dark eyes starin' up at me and- Whoa. That's a look that's definitely got my attention. Definitely. Scent's changin' too. I'm on board with that plan, darlin'. Sleeping baby and naked Marie with wanderin' hands. Life is good and gettin' better all the time.

We just started makin' love again a couplea weeks ago. She's been takin' carea me all along, but it just ain't the same as bein' inside her. That's the best - for us both. I've kinda been lettin' her take the lead there. I don't wanna push her none. I know I can be a little... intense, 'specially for someone that's still healin' from labor. The best part - aside from our daughter bein' born and the fact that Marie came through it ok - is that I can still touch her, even now that she's had the baby. Best Jeannie can figure, after nine months of her mixin' with me to grow the little one, her body pretty much thinks I'm a part of it now.

I thought that was pretty goddamn special when we first figured it out and I still do today. There's nothin', I repeat, nothin' that feels as good as touchin' a naked Marie. Body agrees with me. Heh. From the flush on her face her body agrees too.

"Come to bed, Logan." She's still whisperin' cause the baby sleepin' but her eyes are absolutely burnin' for me. Nobody's ever looked at me the way she does. Like I'm everythin', like I'm the center of her whole world.

Whoa.

I guess I never thought that maybe I was her center too. "I love you, sugar." Touchin' me now, huggin' me real tight. "Make love to me." Just gonna scoop her into my arms and carry her to our bed. Right now.

"I love you too, darlin'." It's an amazin' thing, findin' center. Findin' that thing, that person who brings you peace, brings you balance. I don't drift anymore and I know I never will as long as I've got her. "I gotcha." Her arms are tightenin' around me now 'cause I kissed her long and hard before I put her down on our bed. "I gotcha, kid." I gotcha. But the best part is that she's found center too. She's got me. She's got me and she's never gonna let me go.