My own version of after the breakup.
Alexander Lightwood regretted many decisions in his life already. For instance, taking Jace's hair gel when he had a date, then walking in on him with Clary on the countertop having fun with the spoon. Or, asking Isabelle to take him shopping for once- weaponless. Even worse, taking out a demon while having an ear infection on the left ear and bleeding out of the other.
So when Magnus Bane had officially dumped him, he was in more of a shock than he'd ever been. At the time it seemed unreal- a nightmare, a bad dream. It was in about an hour later that reality finally sets in and hit- he had lost the love of his life. Honestly, he shouldn't have expected himself to last long. He didn't in the first place hadn't, at the beginning - when they were first dating. Well, he messed it up now. He couldn't do anything about the situation anymore.
He couldn't believe he had let his selfishness and desires to take over him, either. After all, he never was the attention seeker. He was never the vain one in the family either. For all this time, Alec Lightwood was never taken seriously, nor was he noticed. The only time one would ever put his ideas into consideration was when they needed an extra backup fighter in missions. A substitute. A filler. A waste of space, more like it. In his eyes, he was just there. Never acknowledged.
It wasn't like he wanted to be in the middle of attention. He was always the introverted one, unlike Jace and Isabelle. Clary had managed to speak up for herself and gave herself a voice and was put in value. Heck, even Simon- the Daylighter- has earned himself a part of the world.
Before Magnus, Alec had only cared about family. Well, and his sexuality issues, but his family in general. He always saw himself as the older brother, the guardian, in a way. He needed to protect Jace, or at least talk some sense into him and his foolishness. Isabelle may seem strong, but at end of the day, she was in fact still a girl, his little sister. She had feelings, she had endured heartbreaks, no matter how much she tried to hide it.
And Max... Although Alec was never close to Max as he always preferred Jace as an elderly brother figure, or Isabelle to hang out and study with, and had even been befriended by Clary- who taught him to read the manga he had bought from the airport, Alec had always loved Max. His interest in both the mundane world but also the Shadowhunter world amazed him. He was so innocent. He had always asked why Downworlders and Shadowhunters could not be united as one and stop the killing.
Alec had agreed with the young child. Why after all, in an infinite world where the galaxy never ends, what does the very simple word LIFE even mean? If the world was truly infinite, what is the meaning of life? Wouldn't every being's "life" be worthless and meaningless to the world? Should we not have a care in the world, should not be blissfully smiling at the sun and peacefully making friends- interacting, quietly waiting for the time to pass by? Should we not have emotions at all, if we as people mean nothing in the world? Should we not care?
So why did Alec care about anything? It was always a question on the back of his mind, and he could not help but ask himself: Why did he care so much for the warlock, Magnus Bane? Before, he had despised Downworlders and was quite biased. He had thought that, like mundanes, they were worthless. Downworlder blood was tainted, and Mundanes were nothing special.
Now, his world had changed and turned upside down. He had loved Magnus Bane, and he had messed up everything he had and loved in the first place.
Jace and he had always said that Isabelle would be the heartbreaker and always would end up being heartbroken herself. How ironic would it be that he would be the one with the broken heart, even if it was only for this one time?
See, he never planned on having a relationship that lasted this far. It was always duty that came first in his life, the duty of a Shadowhunter, the duty of being the eldest Lightwood, the duty of being the glue that kept his family together,
So he wallowed in the dark, gloomy state of regret, thinking. He had finally come to the conclusion that irony had snuck up on him, kicked him up the ass, laughed in his face with a big HA and threw him down a dark, dreary pit of disbelief and regret. Lady luck wasn't on his side either.
You could assume that he's gone so far and been so daring that he's just running out of luck- and funnily enough, that's exactly what he thinks as well.
"If it only could've been Harry Potter, where I could just chug some stupid golden concoction in a tiny vial and become lucky forever- happy forever," he thought grimly.
But he wasn't lucky to have fallen in love with Magnus, he was lucky that Magnus loves him back. Loved him back, anyways. He couldn't possibly love him again after this.
It was selfish, he decided, to think that someone could love him. It was selfish and stupid and ignorant of him to ever think that someone as good and pure like Magnus could ever love him.
Heck, even Maryse had said he wasn't worthy. He had tainted the Lightwood name with his own selfishness, he had ruined things for the rest of eternity- of the very Lightwood name, anyways at least. Why he wrecked so many lives that it was uncountable!
He needed to apologize. To Magnus, to Maryse, to Robert, to Isabelle, to Jace, to Clary even. Hell, even that dimwit failure of a vampire Sheldon for making his life an utter mess.
To all those Downworlders he had helped the Clave kill. To all those vampires taken from their freedom and starved, to all those werewolves slain, to all those faeries burned, to that one warlock that he had hurt most of all.
It was the fear of falling apart that broke them. There were words worst than death. There were moments in his life where he regretted till it was an agonizing pain to him.
There were twenty-three floors in the building he last stood on. When he came down from every floor, he thought about all of those he had hurt, all of those he wanted to see again so desperately.
The last thing Alec Lightwood saw was a girl. She had flaming bright red hair curled in ringlets that framed her heart-shaped face, green eyes that outshone the Seven Seas in the light of July, and skin of the palest moon. Her face was lined and colored with disbelief, sadness, and worry, all with agitation flashing through her emotions. Bent over on the sidewalk of Upper East Side, New York City. He looked lazily behind the girl, bright lights of Manhattan quickly blinking and fogging up.
"It's a beautiful night, isn't it, Clary?"
And the lights closed, the world went dark and grim. He sank into the deep depths of death and waited. The universe faded beneath his body, sucked up and swallowed by the dark until it was no more.
I'm so sorry.
All characters mentioned belong to Cassandra Clare in The Mortal Instruments franchise.
Beta'd by Karen Hikari and Rosycat
***Cheeky References:
"It was the fear of falling apart that broke them." Inspired by Panic at the Disco, "This is Gospel" (An amazing song that really pulls my heart)
" Bent over on the sidewalk of Upper East Side, New York City." Upper East Side is where Percy Jackson and his mother lived when they still lived with Gabe Ugliano, or as we prefer, Smelly Gabe.
"If it only could've been Harry Potter, where I could just chug some stupid golden concoction in a tiny vial and become lucky forever- happy forever." Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Felix Felicis
Also, to a guest reviewer that reviewed literally EVERYTHING I've ever written (We hold you very dearly to my heart- Rosycat and me) named Constipated Melon: MAKE A FANFICTION ACCOUNT ALREADY!