Strength in Daylight

Summary: When Estelle has nightmares, the only person she can stand to touch her at first is Raven. And Yuri doesn't understand why…until he does.

Disclaimer: Nope.

AN: No quippy author's notes today.

The first time it happens, it's like overturning something full and awful and watching it spill across the floor. None of them are particularly deep sleepers anymore and it's no surprise that when Estelle screams, every one of them jolts awake. Yuri doesn't think twice about lurching out of the tent and clawing through the flaps of the girls' but he stops dead when he sees Estelle scrabbling backwards and away from Rita's hands until she hits the fabric wall, where she proceeds to cringe away from all of them.

She's not all there just yet, that much is obvious, because her green eyes are wide to the point where they can see the whites all around, and she's mumbling something frantic and quick under her breath. She's not crying, not quite, though the streaks of moisture down her cheeks tell another story entirely.

Yuri steps forward because he's the obvious choice. Tries to be calm and calming, reaches out…

And Estelle bats his hand away, brings the other up to cover her face.

"Don't—" she begins almost in a whimper, "Don't, d-don't, don't, don't, don't touch—"

"Okay, okay," Yuri tells her and tries not feel so clueless even though he does. "I won't touch; that's fine. It's alright. It's okay."

It's not okay.

Rita's hands twitch at her sides and the hurt's written all over her face and Yuri empathizes because he can't help being a little bit hurt himself. Why can't he help? Why's she acting like she's…like she afraid of him? Estelle's never been afraid of him before, not even when she found out that he killed Ragou and Cumore, so the fact that she's acting like he's going to kill her is sort of painful.

They can't just leave her there to her shaking but Yuri hasn't a clue what he should do if he can't touch her, if Rita can't touch her, and she looks like she's one step away from a full-blown panic attack. He's helpless and he hates being helpless, because he can stand a lot of things but he doesn't know what he can do if Estelle is afraid of him. It's like everything in the world being wrong; the sun comes up in the morning, Flynn's a short-tempered tightwad, and Estelle trusts him (possibly a little too much).

There's a rustle behind him and Yuri glances over to catch a glimpse of Raven, sharp-eyed and with a hand in his jacket, prepared to cut down whatever's causing the commotion if he needs to.

And just like the lot of them, Raven stops where he stands and goes still. He makes as if to take a step forward, freezes, and then looks about to step back… until Estelle looks up at him, teary-eyed, and reaches out to him with both hands. Raven gapes at her, as bewildered as Yuri feels, until Yuri jabs an elbow into his ribs that sends him staggering forward.

He opens his mouth to say something and Yuri glares in a way that he hopes says something along the lines of move it or face the consequences. Because that's how he feels. He's helpless and Estelle's a wreck and if she wants Raven (why would she want Raven?) then damnit, he's going to do his best to give her that much.

Raven approaches with trepidation but the moment he's in grabbing range, Estelle's tangled her hands in his jacket.

"What the h—" Raven begins and catches himself, getting over the surprise and settling into the idea that this is apparently on his head and he gets to deal with it. The tightness between Yuri's eyes seconds the thought and he shifts his attention to Estelle, who's gripping the fabric at his sleeve so tightly that her knuckles go white. It's easy enough to see the shakes running up and down her frame, and Raven puts aside his doubts to suck it up and pull her into a hug. He can manage that much and as uncomfortable as the very idea makes him, he realizes that he owes her.

He'll probably never stop owing her.

Raven half expects her to reject it and a good deal of him is surprised when, on the contrary, she presses herself closer to him and tucks her chin into the juncture of his throat and shoulder and stays there, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding fast like he's some kind of lifeline. A sad excuse for a lifeline, indeed.

"Easy there, darlin'," he tells her and gingerly pats the space between her neck and shoulders like he's calming a frightened horse, "Easy. Steady on and breathe, get yourself together."

Yuri doesn't move away from the tent flap and doesn't watch Raven so much as he watches Estelle, and the moment she's approachable again is a visible one. It doesn't take long but eventually, Estelle slackens her grip and pulls away to wipe at her face. She flushes with embarrassment and can't seem to look any of them in the eyes, not Yuri, not Rita, but especially not Raven, who dusts himself off and gets to his feet as if to lessen their mutual mortification.

"I—I'm sorry," Estelle eventually manages to stammer out, "I didn't mean to wake everyone up."

No duh she didn't, Yuri wants to say but Rita beats him to it and Judy beats him to the snide, gently chiding remark about needing to learn the difference between being a bother and not, but he's the one who shoos everyone back to bed and sits around the dying embers of the campfire with Estelle.

She's calm now and silent, plainly pensive instead of traumatized, but Yuri holds back on demanding details in favor of letting her put her thoughts together. She takes longer than he or Judith would because she's less decisive than either of them but she's fully capable of figuring herself out and Yuri gives her the time. Eventually, the quiet is too stifling to handle and he asks,

"You all right now?"

Estelle laughs quietly into the night air.

"Yes," she replies, "Thank you. I'll be fine, Yuri."

He doesn't quite believe her because she's very obviously not making any moves to talk about it, but she catches him in a quick, brisk hug before heading back into the tent to get some rest, and Yuri tries to not think about it.

He does quite a good job of not thinking about it, actually, because Estelle's perfectly normal in the morning, bright and cheery and prompt with the healing, and Yuri worries the first night but nothing happens even though he wakes up at every little sound.

He doesn't think about it until several weeks later, when again a high-pitched wail tears through camp.

He knows better this time than to try and touch her and in the end it's with much awkward fumbling that Raven ends up sinking to the ground next to Estelle once again, shifting to accommodate her trembling form that curls around him. It takes longer for her to calm this time, long enough for Raven to shove himself out of the box of horror that he's put himself in and into the box of resignation that forces him to unwind a little bit and not feel like he himself is going to jump out of his skin at every turn.

He's still antsy and uncomfortable but he knows full well that Estelle's not going to bite him or anything (she's too busy about to jump out of her own skin to bother with something like that) and it's enough that he drapes an arm over her shoulders and lets her cling onto him like she's a limpet and he's a rock, enough that he doesn't push her away. Not that he's going to, because he owes her and because if he does, he seriously thinks that Yuri might murder him.

Yuri who's standing just outside the tent flap with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. He's not glaring but it's a near miss, and the only reason he isn't is probably because he doesn't want Estelle to look up and see him glowering into her tent. Well, he can stand out there and not-glare until the cows come home but Raven's decided that it's time to start paying off some debts and he's starting with the princess. Comforting someone after a nightmare is a far cry from spying and double-crossing any day of the week, even though it's so far out of Raven's comfort zone that he can see the smoke trail.

In time, though, Raven feels the girl go tense in the shoulders and moments later she pulls away with an unreasonably mortified look on her face.

"I—uh. I'm sorry," she finally stammers out just as she did the first time, and Raven thinks that the best thing he can do is act as if nothing unusual has happened in the slightest. For both of their sakes, and if he can keep her from being embarrassed then maybe there's hope for him.

"Nah, don't worry about it," he tells her with a waggle of his eyebrows, "I can only be so lucky."

Estelle levels a weak, watery smile on him but it's a smile nonetheless (that he doesn't deserve, but as long as she can do it, he'll take it) and Raven backs away to give her some space. Rita shuffles into the spot he just vacated and proceeds to bully the princess into laying back down and that's Raven's cue to leave before things get weirder.

"See ya, ladies," he says with a flippant wave and barely manages to keep from fleeing the tent—

Only to nearly run into Yuri, who still has his arms crossed and who looks kind of like he wants to punch Raven in the face. Well, that's awesome. Okay, then.

"C'mere a minute," Yuri demands, "I want to ask you something." Clearly something that couldn't be asked within earshot of the girls' tent.

Aw, shit.

Nevertheless, Raven follows him to the outskirts of camp with a nonchalance that he doesn't feel. He's pretty sure he knows what Yuri wants to ask him and he's pretty sure that his answer's going to be nigh useless, and there's a high chance that he might be getting punched in the face tonight. Again, awesome. Yuri doesn't waste any time the moment they're out of hearing range and when he speaks, it's in a slightly hoarse stage whisper that isn't fooling anybody.

"What have you done?"

Raven stills. Yuri doesn't look him in the face, staring instead at the ground with the kind of intensity that would melt glass.

"Why's it you?" Yuri's hands clench in the hem of his shirt and the words come out of his throat like they have teeth. It's not fair, it's not right that he can't help and that the person Estelle wants first is the person who hurt her. He's not stupid, he knows she's not over it, but she's dealing and he figures that if that's what helps her deal, then he'll take it. But it doesn't take away the sting, doesn't take away the fact that he wants to be the one who protects her, and the undeniable feeling that Raven doesn't deserve to.

It's low and Yuri hates that he has those sorts of ugly feelings, but they're there. They're there and right now, so is Raven, and he has to ask.

He looks up just in time to see Raven clench his jaw and look away.

"You think I know?" he replies eventually, his voice brittle with a bitter edge, "You think I have a thrice-damned clue why she wants me? If you've got any brilliant observations, I'd love to hear 'em."

He can't hold back the annoyance he feels, even though he can't begrudge Yuri for feeling the way he does either.

Raven doesn't even have half a clue as to why Estelle even wants to travel with him, much less why she seems to need to touch him after her nightmares. He doesn't even want to travel with him, so why would he expect it from anyone else? Raven wouldn't have blamed any of them for wanting to just leave him in the dirt, but he's here and at this point, he doesn't think there's any way of going back.

Still, it's kind of miserable and they're all just doing the best they can with what they have and Raven understands that. It doesn't mean that he has to like it.

Yuri doesn't have anything to say to that but he doesn't walk away, and Raven shifts on the balls of his feet. This isn't over, that much is clear.

"What would you have me do?" he asks lowly, "Shit. When the kid screams like that…" And it's his fault that she screams like that and cries in her sleep. Yuri twitches like he understands. He probably does. Which means that he ought to understand why Raven can't just leave this be, if he's not going to let his anger blind him. It wouldn't be the first time. "I can't leave her to that. I know you think I don't deserve it. I think I don't deserve it. But so help me, she'll get what she needs to feel better."

Because it's not a matter or deserving or not deserving, it's about Raven paying his dues to those he owes, and he thinks he owes Estelle more than he owes Yuri's pride.

Raven doesn't know much but he knows plenty about debts.

He's not sure what he'll say if Yuri says that yes, he wants Raven to step off. Probably several very nasty, four-letter words that could be more succinctly summed up with a raised middle finger instead. Glass houses and all that.

Thankfully, Yuri doesn't protest this but instead looks as if he wishes that Raven had said something that he could actually disagree with. Raven wants to snort but holds his tongue. Contrary little hellion. Conflicted contrary little hellion, but the hellion part is the part that sticks.

"We done here? 'Cause if we're through with this heart to heart, I'm going back to bed."

"Yeah," Yuri answers finally, "We're done."

"Good," Raven turns and begins walking back to their tent with a backwards wave, "See you in the morning."

"Yeah…"

Yuri waits until he's completely alone to move, approaching the girls' tent with only the quietest crunch of leaves to peel back the flap, unaware of just how nefarious it makes him look. Judy's stretched out around the front of the tent when he peeks inside and she doesn't look surprised in the slightest to see him, even though her eyes crinkle up around the edges in a joke that only she gets.

Yuri can only guess.

He brings his gaze up to see Estelle, asleep again and curled around Rita, who even in sleep wears an expression of long-suffering resignation. The edges of his lips tilt upwards.

Happy? Judy mouths at him when he takes a step back, and Yuri waves a silent goodnight in response as he heads back to the other tent. Repede's taken over his spot and Yuri nudges him over with his foot and catches a paw in his ribs for his trouble when he lies down again. Sleep comes surprisingly easy with everything on his mind, and before Yuri knows it, there's a sunbeam on his face.

And life goes on because there's no other choice.

They keep fighting, keep moving, keep trying to save the world. It goes about as well as can be expected which is to say not at all, but none of them die and that's a plus.

Rita still can't cook and everyone's still a little terrified whenever Judy gets that maniacal look in her eyes, and sometimes Estelle has screaming nightmares that wake up the entire camp.

It doesn't happen all the time but it happens often enough that Yuri doesn't panic even though his stomach still drops into his knees, and he never says another word about it to Raven after that one time. What's the point, he thinks, when he looks up just in time to see Raven's back slipping out of the tent?

None of them talk about it at all and that seems to work, because Estelle still has the same sunshine in her eyes during the daytime that's always been there, and she's not a good enough actor to keep it up for that long, not when she used to look so broken when she thought no one was looking. She's getting better and Yuri thinks that that kind of makes him better, because there's something wrong with the world when Estelle can't smile.

Still, he can't usually go right back to sleep afterwards and sometimes Yuri finds Estelle sitting by the fire, clearly deep in thought. Sometimes she wants to chat a bit but oftentimes she doesn't, and more often than not the only word she'll say is a quiet goodnight when she heads back to bed. She always makes sure to touch him at some point before she leaves, whether it's in a shoulder pat or a quick hug, and Yuri thinks it feels like an apology, like she's saying sorry for needing something he can't give her.

He's not sure whether it's annoying or gratifying but it helps soothe his ruffled feathers anyway and he'll take it.

So it goes.

It's habit, now, routine. A strange routine but a routine nonetheless. Raven likes those; they take out the variables that he can't control and the guesswork and all of the things that can blow up in his face and replace them with a sort of uncomfortable constant that comes from a routine you're just barely used to. It's not really a routine that Raven likes -because who really likes it when the princess is screaming loud enough to wake the dead?- but it's better than the alternative that he's never chanced, which ends with him feeling like even more of a shithead than he usually does and Estelle probably scaring herself straight into a panic attack.

Raven can manage that and does, pushes away the knowledge that he doesn't deserve to be here and the feelings of inadequacy to give Estelle what she needs from him, which honestly isn't much more than a stable presence and to simply exist in her orbit. Why it has to be him, Raven still has no idea.

He knows full well that Yuri resents every second of it but cares way more about Estelle than he cares about ripping Raven a new one and that's the only reason why he hasn't said anything. Because it'd hurt the lady and she hurts enough already, at least the nights that she wakes up pale and teary-eyed and shaking.

And every time that Raven finds himself sinking to the ground and gathering up an armful of princess, it gets a tiny bit less weird. Not really, because he still doesn't know why and that's a question that doesn't ever really leave until it gets an answer, but every time it makes his skin itch just a little bit less, makes him feel a little bit less like he wants to throw up just from the physical contact.

Raven learns the best ways of going about it all; learns that Estelle's small enough that he can sling her legs over his knees and make the process more comfortable for both of them; learns that when Estelle hugs she digs her fingers down straight to the skin so that there's no way that Raven couldn't feel it. He learns that letting her tuck her face into the crook of his neck goes a long way towards helping her calm down and that occasionally, there's the chance that she might actually fall asleep on him and then he gets to figure out how to get her to let go of him without waking her up.

It's a trial but at least now he doesn't have to worry about Rita reducing him to a cinder just with her death glare from the other end of the tent anymore.

There's a routine to this, Raven thinks when there's nothing else to think about, but that doesn't mean he has to like it.

But the problem is, he doesn't know how much longer he can go on without the answers he wants. It eats at him for reasons he can't pin down, and all he needs to do is look at Yuri's face to know that if it's eating him, it's definitely eating Yuri too. Raven knows that Yuri can't stand it and he doesn't blame him for it.

So Raven waits and pushes it away until he can't stand it anymore, and the very moment that the breaking point's right there…

So is the perfect opportunity.

Dinner's been cleared, the fire's being dimmed, and it's with a start that Raven that for once, the only two people still idle in camp are himself and Estelle, who's just finished brushing her teeth and is running a small comb through her hair in preparation for bed.

The words that Raven thought would come so easily fail him and he's pretty sure that for at least twenty seconds he watches her with an expression not unlike that of a codfish, opening his mouth to say something that won't come out. The silence hurts, it's stifling and awkward and Raven has to be the only person who feels it. Of that much, he's sure.

"Why? Why me?"

Raven breaks the silence with something just too loud to be a whisper and Estelle goes abruptly still, pausing to leave her comb still halfway through a piece of hair. For a second, Raven thinks that she might actually pretend that he hasn't said anything; he sees her swallow thickly and clench her jaw.

"What…in what respect?"

Oh, she's got to be kidding.

Raven tells her so and levels her with a look that he hopes is more scolding than the slightly terrified that he feels. He waits but Estelle chooses now of all times to withhold information and he asks again.

"Why me? Why do you need me and not Yuri? He'd do it, you know. Wouldn't give you any flack over it."

"I…I know," Estelle replies, averting her eyes and twists her hands together in the hem of her top. "I know he would. But…" she stops and looks around. They're alone, for possibly the first time since Raven kidnapped her—at least when they're both coherent and conscious. Raven wonders if Yuri's lurking around a tree somewhere, decides that it's too likely for his comfort, and discards the thought.

Raven waits and Estelle tries to look anywhere but at him. It doesn't really work; she can only look at the trees for so long before she starts feeling really, really stupid.

"Because…" Estelle starts and doesn't want to go on, "Because you're there when I dream," and she doesn't want to say this because Raven flinches and she hasn't even gone into detail. He knows full well why he'd be there in her nightmares. "And my mind…my brain makes you into a monster when I'm asleep, and it's horrible."

Raven suppresses another flinch. It's not like he needs help dredging up some self-loathing from anyone; he does perfectly fine on his own and he knows it.

"So…forgive me, but I'm kinda lost on the part where this makes sense."

Estelle fidgets uncomfortably.

"Because," she continues after deliberation, "When I wake up, it reminds me that you're human. And it reminds me that I'm wrong and that…" Estelle hopes for a second that she won't have to finish but Raven doesn't look like he gets it and she has to. "And that you can't hurt me."

Because they're friends, because she's forgiven him, because she trusts him—in the daylight when her heart and her head are in charge. At night it's a new game entirely and everything she's gotten over comes out to play—regardless of what she wants or how she feels.

Estelle lifts her head to lock green eyes on blue.

Raven stares at her.

"You…" he tells her and doesn't understand, because he is a monster and she had it right the first time, "Don't tell me that. I've hurt you before. I can do it again."

"But you won't," Estelle cuts him off, voice lowering deep in her throat, "I know you won't."

"You don't know that." She can't know that because Raven doesn't even know that, and how can he make her understand that she can't trust him? There's no way she's that self-sacrificing, and he tells her that too. She looks away.

"Do you think I'm doing this just for you?" she asks finally. Raven doesn't know what he's done but she sounds hurt, like he's thrown a punch instead of the truth. "It's like Judy's always telling me, I can be kind of selfish, sometimes, and sometimes I drag people along with me whether they want to or not. I don't know why you want me to be afraid of you but I'm selfish, and I'm not." Pale, long-fingered hands lace in her lap and Estelle glances upwards into the trees as if eager enough for a distraction as Raven. "I'm sorry. It's probably really stupid. And…probably pretty disrespectful too. And childish."

To be honest, Raven doesn't think any of those things, except maybe that it's stupid because she's very obviously crazy.

He opens his mouth to say something but the words don't come out. What's there to say? I'm probably the last person you should feel comfortable with using as your security blanket? It'd never fly and Estelle hasn't tried to deny the fact, and he thinks that the worst part about it all is that he can sort of understand why it has to be him.

Not the need for a security blanket but the need to be in control of oneself, which is what he thinks this is mostly about. Raven knows all about fear and the intricacies of it, has lived with those intricacies, and he's no desire to begrudge anyone their coping methods. Even if, in Estelle's case, they don't seem to realize that that's exactly what they are.

Raven's struck suddenly by the irony of all of this. Someone else, anyone else, would probably do anything to be leagues away from him in Estelle's position. But her first reaction is to make herself see him as safe and something about that makes his insides clench in a way he doesn't like.

"Really, I—I'm sorry," Estelle offers again and worries her lower lip between her teeth. "I should have told you sooner. I just—you know, I was worried. Because I was afraid that if you found out why and found out that it was so silly, then next time you wouldn't come."

And it's like someone took their fist and socked Raven right in the gut.

"I…" he says, awkward and ineloquent. Clears his throat and runs a hand through his scruffy bangs. Looks away, looks back, away and back again. Estelle looks maybe about two seconds from running away out of sheer mortification. Raven thinks that if he's allowed to run in the opposite direction, he might just be joining her. In the opposite direction. "Look, I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with this." Or at all, and you're totally crazy, he doesn't say. "But I don't think it's stupid."

Estelle relaxes a fraction and loosens the grip she has on the hem of her top. Raven feels a little less like an asshole when he sees that.

"Oh," she says and the smile that curls her lips is less nervous. "Okay. G-good." Estelle shuffles on her log and hastily gathers her things. "I guess I'll turn in. It's late and everything and we've got a lot to do, right?"

Raven thinks he might actually have gotten whiplash from the subject change and for a brief second he can't help goggling up at her.

"Uh…okay. Good night, then."

She begins to walk away.

"I'll come," the words are out of Raven's mouth before he can pull them back and Estelle stops dead but doesn't turn around. "Don't worry." He doesn't repeat himself and doesn't need to, because he sees Estelle's hands fist at her sides and sees her duck her head as if trying to hide something that Raven can't see in the first place.

"…thank you," the words are barely audible even in the near silence. "That means a lot to me."

The conversation is over and the only sounds when Estelle's left are those of the insects and the few birds that haven't yet come down to roost. Judy has the first watch and Raven gets up and needlessly dusts himself off, about ready to turn in himself.

Only to be waylaid by Yuri before he leaves the circle of the campfire.

Well, that explains his mysterious absence.

"Eavesdropping's a bad habit for a youngster," Raven informs him dryly. The quip falls flat and Yuri crosses his arms over his chest, eyebrows furrowed. "You got somethin' to say?"

"I don't like this," Yuri says bluntly in reply but at least makes an effort of keeping his voice down. "I swear to everything holy, if you hurt her—"

"Tell you what," Raven interrupts, "If I hurt her, I'll hand you the knife myself." The jab is intentional and Yuri has the grace to at least look kind of sheepish. Sheepish and annoyed is a more accurate description and he doesn't hold back on the scowl he sends Raven's way.

"I'm holding you to that," he says finally, like actually saying it hurts.

"Do that." Raven looks past Yuri into the edges of the wooded clearing that they've made camp in that night. "Try and believe this old lyin' man just once more." Yuri hesitates and then eventually inclines his head.

That conversation is finished too, for now. It'll probably happen again, but hopefully not for a while yet. Raven gets ready for bed in silence, mouth closed but unable to stop his brain from buzzing.

The rest of the night's settled and passes without commotion and even though Raven doesn't sleep particularly well, he lets himself slip into the quiet and the calm, notices the way that Yuri's actually sleeping when he isn't for the first time in a long time, and allows himself to think that maybe somewhere there's hope somewhere in there.

Not for him, no. But for Yuri, who's trying so hard to trust him because he has to if he wants to keep his head, and for Estelle who needs the person lurking in the dark corners to prove to her that she's wrong if she wants to keep hers.

And, okay, maybe for him too. Because if those two can do it, then maybe Raven's missed something.

Maybe he can stand to take a second look.

Thank you so much for reading; I hope you enjoyed this! If you liked it, hated it, whatever, please leave a review or send me a pm and tell me privately!