I watch as she enters the room, laughing and chattering with you as you both bring in the shopping. As usual, you're completely engaged with each other in a rhythm, him putting his bags down first as you then begin to unpack. You both begin talking about a woman you saw in the supermarket in a typical synchronised style, speaking together and laughing in the same places. When the stories finished he casually drapes his arm around Jayne's neck and dipping down to kiss it.
"Oops sorry" you say, meeting my eyes.
"Force of habit" Jayne says, laughing away the public show of affection and slight tension in the room. "Wine?" she offers, and we all troop into the summer house. The conversation flows, as does the wine but I can't help feeling like an outsider as everyone talks away. Eventually I give up and go to bed, feigning a headache. As I lie in bed unable to sleep for the laughter downstairs I think back to the promises we make each other in marriage.
When you're sick she plays the dutiful wife, caring for you and worrying. When you met, and your finances weren't in good shape you both persevered, made the money work for you. Now you both have everything financially that you would ever need. Being together when you were struggling might have torn some couples apart but it only furthered your bond.
I don't want to think about either of you dying, but I know it will happen one day. And I don't know how you would cope without her. As I ponder everything I hear a faint tapping on my door.
"Come in" I call out and I see your head poking around the door.
"Is everything okay?"
I muster up a fake smile.
"Yeah, just got a headache that's all"
"Do you want anything for it?"
"No it's fine. Are they still downstairs?"
"Yeah, I think they'll be a while, will you be okay?"
"Yeah. We're all used to this by now aren't we?"
"Yes."
"Well it's not as if we don't really have a choice"
"I suppose not. Well, I don't mind. As long as she's happy"
"Good night Phil"
"Good night Jill"
With that, he closed the door, leaving me with my thoughts. I turned over, frustrated with the same pretence, the same conversation that always occurred between myself and Phil. We both laughed about the fact that our partners were closer to each other then they were with us, but lately it was me who was laughing more, because my laughing was like my marriage, fake and pretend. It wasn't Phil's fault, wasn't anyone's fault really.
I'd never seen anything like it before, where the touch of a hand between Chris and Jayne is as intimate as another couple making love. Then there's the subtle glance, the eyes that linger just a fraction longer then they should. The hands that accidently bump together creating a spark, creating a force creating their love. Hugs that seem to last for endless seconds, sexual tension burning as brightly as a lit candle…..I see it all now.
You find someone, fall in love, and you live happily ever after. That's what I thought anyway. I thought I had that with Chris. And that's what you, Phil, think you have with Jayne. And you do, on the surface, but you can't see what I see. If I was to show you, this is what you would see.
I watch as she enters the room, laughing and chattering with you easily. You think she's completely engaged with you, but as soon as she sets eyes on Chris her minds gone to him. Her eyes lock with his and they share a secret look. Chris, so naturally used to helping Jayne, instinctively moves to grab the heavy shopping bags out of Jayne's hand and piles them on the counter. You look down, expecting it to be you who unburdens Jayne of the load but you're too late, Chris has got there first. You're unfazed and when you both start telling the supermarket story, Jayne appears completely engaged with you, but while she's chiming in at all the correct parts her gaze keeps wandering over to Chris and they share telepathic looks which seem to say "We'll be alone together soon"
When you dip down to kiss her neck Chris's face turns into a look of thunder, like Jayne's neck is his property, and no one but him should kiss it. Even though you're her husband and every part should be yours, Chris sees nearly every part as his. He was the first one to hold Jayne in his arms, his was the first one to hold her hand, to wipe her tears in moments of difficulties and hug her joyously in moments of elation. The first one to have touched her nearly everywhere, when skating. Chris see's Jayne as his first, and yours second.
You don't notice Chris's face but Jayne does, which is why she tries to laugh it off and diffuse the sudden tension.
When we sit in the living room you casually go to sit next to Jayne, but Chris is quicker so you sit the other side, leaving Jayne sandwiched between the two of you. As the wine flows we all try to make conversation but I feel like an outsider as Chris and Jayne are doing most of the talking. You don't seem to realise how Chris and Jayne are really just talking to each other, with Jayne only making you feel like part of the conversation by occasionaly throwing a comment or question your way. And its not your hand that she's holding, it's Chris's. It's barely noticeable as they're sitting so close together but it's there, and I see it whereas you don't.
Maybe one day you'll notice all these things, but for now you're blind to their love whereas I'm not. It's not that everything in our marriages is a cover. I know Chris loves me in his own way, as Jayne loves you. But they love each other more.
You find someone, fall in love, and you're happy forever. That's we think we have, in our marriages, but we're wrong. That's what Chris and Jayne have with each other, and they always will.